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I think of it like it’s really nothing

Just like you

Hey Hey I’m not missing you

Don’t have any anxious thoughts

Or that’s what Seokmin replies when he encounters Soonyoung one time on the hallways, asking how he was. Truth be told, it’s been almost a year since the last two have spoken, after Seokmin confessed one night to Soonyoung about his feelings.

Surprisingly, Seokmin didn’t cry no matter how much of a crybaby he is. He didn’t feel his chest clench whenever he catches a glimpse of Soonyoung hanging out with his new bunch of friends, laughing as if nothing has changed.

‘Maybe I don’t like him anymore. I guess I’ll be fine from now on,’ or so he thought.

It’s like sometimes wanting to wear clothes you used to wear a long time ago

No let’s be lighter Baby I’m curious about you

However, there was still something about how his former best friend interacts with others that tugs at Seokmin’s heart, that makes him look away everytime the other was there at a distance.

And often, there is that urge to run up to him and give him a tight hug, but he knows it wouldn’t be as easy as it was before, and he could only live with the nostalgia, like watching a shirt he used to love wearing stay in the closet because it doesn’t fit him anymore.

Soonyoung doesn’t fit him anymore. And that’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Each of our lives have been lived for a while

How are you when you asked me how I was doing

I froze, full of all the things I was about to say

Without you my calm heart

Falters as I see you, you’re bad

I hate you

It happened one day when Seokmin hung out with Seungkwan that they encountered Soonyoung. With the latter being close friends with Seungkwan as well, they all stopped for a conversation, which left Seokmin awkwardly standing on the side.

Nobody else has known of their awkward situation, and Soonyoung was always there to save the day, asking Seokmin a couple of questions here and there, acting as if nothing happened. And the former doesn’t know how to feel.

But he knows, at the back of his mind he knows that Soonyoung has talked to him for the sake of keeping their image, his image. And Seokmin doesn’t know if he should wallow in pity or in hatred.

What do you mean it’s been hard, no It’s not true

Every every day I live a busy life

Don’t get worried over nothing

Sometimes I get lonely and like others

You think of the past I’m curious about you

For Seokmin, it wasn’t hard at all. What’s hard was the amount of schoolwork he had to accomplish, the amount of social relationships he had to cut off and maintain, the extent of his motivation that he needs to have to get out of bed and live his life normally again.

Everyday has become empty and he couldn’t imagine what it’s like to go on without hearing Soonyooung’s laugh, spending their free time in different places, typing away their papers and spending nights over coffee and under a dark starry sky talking about their future.

Stop, how much longer do you have to make fun of me

I ignore and keep walking, I leave for the place where you used to be

Half a year has passed since Seokmin has confessed, and half a year it has been since his first heartbreak, since the unannounced parting happened between him and Soonyoung. The former goes to bed every night, staying awake and wondering what went wrong and if it any of this has been his fault. Probably yes, he thinks so, for he had feelings. But when Soonyoung also promised that their friendship would continue, it was also his fault for making Seokmin expect anything left from what little they had.

And Seokmin feels himself going onto the next stage of moving on: hate.

So when he passes by Soonyoung on the corridors, he walks as if the other was air, ignoring the confused stares of the people along with murmurs of ‘What happened to them? Weren’t they best friends?’.

When Soonyoung posts something on social media, he uses as much strength as he can to avert his gaze, focus on his homework, or the movie he’s watching, or the news articles he reads, anything to get him away from liking, commenting, and even staring at the pictures that Soonyoung uploads.

He now hates his ex-best friends.

Today, again, he convinces himself, and he believes that it’s hate.

How are you I’ve been unwell

I miss you and I can’t go to sleep

Without you I am nothing

In my heart, where I can only tear up, is

A long day has ended for Seokmin and when he takes a glance at the calendar, he realizes it’s almost been a year. He doesn’t remember the last he’s seen or heard of Soonyoung, both in real life and social media, and he thinks it’s a sign that he’s moving on slowly and surely.

A couple of speed dates later and he’s encountered various possibilities, but he could not deny that each one of them always has reminded him of the best friend he knew and loved. Or maybe the last word doesn’t have to be the past tense.

He lays in bed at night and stares at the ceiling, reminding himself that he’s doing okay and that he doesn’t have to rush. But whenever he closes his eyes, he can hear a distant and familiar laugh ring on his ears, and flashbacks of the moments they shared stream through his mind, as if he was watching a movie from out of the blue.

One by one, teardrops start to fall on his pillow as the images in his mind becomes clearer; the smile he used to see whenever he made jokes, the laughter when they manage to pull off a friendly prank in public, tipsy conversations under the night sky as they reek of coffee, and even the older’s whining as he tries to persuade Seokmin into trying out new activities to which they quit two days after.

Of course, a lifetime’s worth of memories isn’t something that Seokmin could erase overnight by his will. He is helpless for the moment, he doesn’t know if he should confront Soonyoung or just let the distance be.

And tonight he dreams, and he dreams to forget that one person, his world, and the cause of his pain…

“Only you”