(Worldamusesme) staff notes:

This was an overall great piece of writing, it took me to all kinds of highs and lows. I will also review the second installment.

Title - 4/5

I get the refference to Knock Out and it fits the story very well. Also I think it fit the little rap verses that Ji creates depending on the situation he’s in, that however start to disappear once he gets closer to Seunghyun.

Stilistics – 5/5 (wow)

Firstly, the author has a way with describing scents. I have got mixed feelings about helluva and bingu (change of language register that only fits some of the things happening), but I understand, however, that this is part of VIP slang that the members of Big Bang have time and time again used before. Secondly, props on the rad comparisons (vomit and word spreading) and also congrats on the reffs to the song. What also got my eye were the scenes described briefly yet not insufficiently but efficiently. There is an interesting combo between relatively young charas and somehow formal literary language in the narration. They have down to earth discussions and usually it feels like watching a painting, it puts the senses to the test. The author succeeds in making the reader go with the flow even if the happenings are unusual. Bitter humour sinks its claws all the way into the core of the fanfic. What I think can be improved or more balanced is the fact that if the decision to use korean words is taken, my suggestion is to name the chaps too (it gives it a kind of authenticity). What I also found Interesting were the machine-gun-ed lines, I was really caught up in the action. The author has got very visceral, deep descriptions and the personalized declarations and ways of speaking make it althemore attractive.

Character development – 4.5/5

The first thing I noticed was the nice concept of game face associated with the tough facade. Next up were the very vivid emotions. There are fragments that had me going like, if you don’t mind me saying, ”Seunghyun asking the real questions”. Also, I found the sayings in parantheses very important as they gave us insight on the nuances of Ji’s thoughts. His slips into daydreaming and projecting are great, especially since we get to see them constantly changing in the presence of the ever mature and perceptive Choi Seunghyun, even if later the author offers a much appreciated, diffferent perspective on the rather dorky and well mannered rapper. What striked me as obvious was that they both needed mutual rescuing, preferably done through themselves. They give off the impression of gangsta kids, when really they are so much more, espeically if we take into consideration the beguiling depiction of Ji’s early acknowledgement of his ual orientation. He is becoming less gangsta like around people he likes getting close to Seunghyun seems easier when in familiar environment. All throughout the fanfic, Ji’s infantile manneurisms come to life when concerning the wellbeing of Seunghyun. A turning point appears when Ji learns how Seunghyun looks like, this making him fall even more in love with Seunghyun. The progress in their relationship is sometimes spoonfed to the reader, sometimes it needs to be gobbled up. The highlight, or one of the highlights of Seunghyun showing his emotions was the adorable Shunkan Ido moment. The inclusion of  jap culture is also a proof of how childlike they are. Other than that, they really give off the impression of being Jiyong and Seunghyun through carefully placed interjections. Later on, Seunghyun psychological behaviour is understandable, he is not rebellious, he simply wishes for everything to turn out fine while maintaining his beliefs even the ones around him hurt him and don’t understand him. Until Ji comes along, of course.  What as also switfly done was the portrayal of Gray needing to partner up with Ji for the sake of finding Seunghyun and the camaraderie that didn’t come off as forced. The villanous Kim Young Hee is an evil necessity. What was also relevant for character development was the Bonding with parents through Seunghyun. 

Emotional pain level – 3.5/5

Probably what I liked about it most was the subtlety of the timeskip to show the school tradition and that they remember and pass it on.

Guidelines for future writings - snarkily instead of snidely; past perfect can also stay as past simple at times; do you go to in place of are you going because the use of present simple suggests repeated attendance whileas are you going entails the moment of now; as if on cue, not cued; chastised; instead of chastened; I recommend proofreading 

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