Not all angels have wings: Friends with the voices inside of my head

♦

“Take it away! Take it away! Take it all away!” a voice screamed in the darkness, “no one will never take anything away, you have nothing that can be taken away. You are alone, you are the only one, you are one, and there is no one else that could be taken away. I am you, Jongdae, I am you, and you cannot take a part of yourself, no one can take a part of you from you, especially not a part like me, I am here, in your head, in your mind, I know your dreams, I know your worries, I know your fears and your nightmares, I know everything, Jongdae, and if I go away, then who else will be there with you? I know you like no one else, I know you better than you know yourself. You are weak, and you need me. Without me, you are no one, you are nothing. Without me to keep your from blubbering things you are only gonna waste other people’s lives, you are gonna tie Minseok and his friends to your ankle, keep them from their lives, you are gonna keep Minseok away from his job, from his family, from the sunshine outside, you are gonna turn him into a shadow, someone who will be constantly looking at your hands, over your shoulder, who may end up taking care of Jongin the way you should be, and Jongin is your responsibility. I told you not to take him, I told you not to sign the papers, I told you to give it up for adoption, I even told you to leave him in the hospital. I want only the best for you, Jongdae, and I do not want you to ruin other people’s lives the way you ruined yours. I do not want you to turn Minseok into a shadow, someone, who will grow to hate you and dispise you, and your existence, and will not have his own, and will only fall into darkness that you attached yourself to. I only care about you, Jongdae, you are weak, but I am all you need. You are a terrible person, Jongdae. How could you tell Minseok to take away something that cannot be taken. How could you ask him to do something that cannot be done. Why would you even bother him with something like this? There is nothing wrong, Jongdae, you only make it out to be like that. It is all your fault, no one else’s. It is all your fault, because you are constantly too weak to make any good decisions. You just will never be enough. You will never be good enough. Who would like to waste their time and life with you? How could you ask anyone to do it? You do not need anyone, but me. I will be enough. I am already enough. I am more than enough. I am you, Jongdae, and I cannot be taken away. I will always be here.”

♦

Jongdae opened his eyes into the darkness. He was in his bed, covered in white sheets. There were noises coming to him from the outside of his room, a nice smell of food, and Jongin’s mumbling and laughter. He looked around, not moving even a finger. There was nothing. There was no one. He looked at the clock—9:48pm. He slept the whole day. He also wondered whether he still had a fever, but he didn’t find it in himself to move even an inch. He only sighed, and closed his eyes again. Nothing. Silence. In his mind, he the other side, but when he opened his eyes once again, he was still in the same position. He was exhausted to the point, where his mind wasn’t even able to construct the simplest orders for the rest of the body.

He wanted to get up. He wanted to sit up, get out of bed and out of the room, to see if everything was alright with Jongin, to tell Minseok to go home. He knew he had to. Jongin was his burden. The child was his responsibility. Not a stranger’s. Even if this stranger was Minseok. Jongin was Jongdae’s, and he couldn’t burden anybody else with it.

But he couldn’t. He tried to move his muscles, but it was impossible. His body didn’t listen to him. He opened his mouth to shout, but no sound came. He bit his bottom lip, so hard he could taste blood, and it was the only indication he was still alive.

Pain.

“I am weak,” he whispered, giving up on any attempts. He only closed his eyes once again, falling back into the darkness of his own mind.

When Jongdae opened his eyes again that night, the clock eleven. He got up, this time able to work his muscles, and got out of bed. The room was not spinning anymore, his legs did not give up on him, and his head was not hurting. He let out a sigh of relief, and moved to the door. The bright light from the corridor blinded him for a few moments, and the air of the rest of the apartment still felt colder than the warmth of his bed. This time he heard no noises, no laughter, no whisperes.

Upon entering the kitchen, he saw Minseok standing by the window, with Jongin sleeping safe and sound in his arms. The child was covered in his sheep onesie, and a sky blue blanket. Jongdae cleared his throat, getting an instant reaction from the elder.

“How are you?” Minseok asked right away, nearing him slowly.

Jongdae smiled at him slightly, and shook his head, “I’m better. Much better. Thank you, hyung.”

Minseok extended his hand to check the younger’s forehead.

“Your fever is down,” he mumbled, eyeing the other.

Jongdae nodded at that, “that’s good. I guess I really needed some good sleep.”

Minseok stayed silent for a few moments, only eyeing the younger.

“How are you?” he asked again, concerned.

“Good, really. I am really sorry that I kept you here. It all got out of control. Thank you for taking care of Jongin, but you should get back home, take a rest, take care of yourself—“

“I have to take care of you,” Minseok whispered, and Jongdae’s expression fell.

“No, hyung,” he mumbled, “you don’t have to. I will be fine. I have always been. You have to get back to your life. It’s not fair of me to keep you here. Beside, everything is alright. I don’t have a fever anymore, I feel just fine, I will go back to sleep in a moment, and tomorrow I’ll be a new me,” he tried to smiled at the older, but to no avail.

“But what you said—“

“I didn’t say anything, hyung.”

“You asked for help!”

“Hyung,” Jongdae took a breath in, “it must have been my sickness speaking. How could I ever ask anything of you? I wouldn’t dare. Besides, there is no need to ask for help. We’re perfectly fine,” he whispered, looking down at Jongin.

“I don’t believe you,” Minseok said, looking at Jongdae with pleading eyes.

But the younger only straightened his back, and rose his eyes to Minseok’s level.

“What a shame,” he said, “nevertheless, this is still my home, and I would appreciate you leaving,” he replied, and Minseok’s face fell.

“Jongdae—“

“I am beyond thankful, thank you helped Jongin. That you took care of him, when I was unable. But sine I am better now, and it is nearing midnight, I think it’s time for us to bid each other goodbye. I am sure you have work tomorrow. I wouldn’t dare to keep you from resting well.”

Minseok bit his lower lip. There was nothing he could do, except for looking into Jongdae’s empty eyes.

♦

The night was deep, the sky was covered in dark clouds, thunderstorms were banging in spaces.

Jongin was lying in his cradle, crying. A half empty bottle of milk was lying to his side; his blanket was half hanging above the floor. And the baby was crying, hot tears streaming down his face.

There was no one to calm him down, take him in the arms and sing a lullaby.

Jongin was left alone in the dark room, which was bringing nothing but shadows, nightmares and was letting in the terrible sounds of a storm.

Jongdae was hidden in the bathroom, sitting by the wall, curled into himself, shaking and shivering, screaming his lungs out. Jongin’s cries didn’t want to die out, the boy’s begging was sinking into him through every inch of his body. Jongdae was covering his ears, wrapping his hands and arms around his head protectively, but it didn't help. Nothing could help.

“Please, stop, stop, stop,” he was chanting to himself, “I beg you, anyone, anything, make it stop, make it all stop.”

But nothing stopped. Neither the storm, nor the crying.

Nor the ranging storm inside Jongdae’s mind.

“It hurts so bad. It hurts, please, please, I beg!” Jongdae opened his mouth in an inaudible scream, his face flexing in pain, “anyone make it stop!”

He felt sick. He started chocking, and found it hard to breathe. His breath slowed, and his heart fastened. Jongdae quickly jumped to the toilet and hanged above it, waiting for the first wave to come.

But it never did.

He leant against the cold floor. Jongin’s screams were mixing with thunders and the chaos of Jongdae’s thoughts.

The boy was lying, looking up at the ceiling, and tears were streaming down his cheeks.

“I cannot do it anymore,” he thought to himself, “I cannot take it anymore. I cannot. I cannot. I just can’t do this. None of it. Nothing.”

“Do you even care?” a voice whispered in his head and Jongdae choked.

“I don’t,” he thought.

His throat was too sore to speak, his lips were to dry, and the words he was thinking were to cruel to speak them out. Even during the night. Even in the darkness.

“I don’t have the strength to care… I don’t have the strength to breath, how could I care for anything? There is nothing worth caring…”

“Good. Good,” the voice replied, “there is no use wasting energy you don’t have. You should take some rest, gain your strength back.”

“But Jongin,” he whined, crying over the screams of the baby.

“Stop breathing, Jondgae,” the voice became calm and smoothing, “stop breathing, to gain your strength back.”

Letting last tears roll down his face, Jongdae took last breath in and let darkness rule over him.

♦

“What are you doing, Jongdae?” he heard his sister’s cry, “You promised to take care of my baby!”

Anger arose in him, and he yelled, “you forced him on me! I never wanted him!”

“He has no one but you!” the girl shouted back.

“And who’s fault is that?! It’s yours! It’s all on you! None of it would’ve happened if it wasn’t for you! You’re so selfish! You always were!”

“Jongdae, don’t say that,” the voice came calmed, and Jongdae fell to his knees.

“You ruined me. You ruined everything. I hate you!” he cried out, a tear rolling down his cheek.

He was so weak. Even in his mind, he was weak. And at the same time, he felt a massive weight in his weight, as if a stone was keeping him down. He couldn’t breathe.

“How could have I killed my own baby?” the girl asked, and when Jongdae raised his eyes, she was sitting in front of him.

“By saving him, you killed your own brother,” he whispered.

“I am so sorry.”

“Look at me. To hell with your apologies. No words can change anything. You destroyed everything, noona. Everything,” he whined, and his voice trembled.

“Jongdae—“

♦

Jongdae started choking, and another wave of sickness washed over him. He opened his eyes, desperately catching a breath, and quickly hooved over a toilet once again, this time vomiting. Convulsions went through his body, and his eyes watered. He was in panic. His lungs burnt, his throat was sore, and his body was out of his control.

When the spasms ended, he fell to the floor, his body controlled by gravitation.

“Mom,” he thought to himself, “mommy, where are you?” he silently called out, “why have you left me? Why did you leave? Why are you all gone?!”

He started coughing, almost losing air.

“Can you even hear me?” he asked, “mommy, can you see me? Are you anywhere there? You promised not to ever leave me. Where are you now?! Are you playing hide and seek with me? Can you please show up, already? You know how terrible I am at this game. I am losing, mommy, I am losing, again. Can you please show yourself to me? Come out?”

Shivers ran down his spine, and he closed his eyes.

“I promised you to be brave and strong. I promised you I would manage. But I am weak, mom, I am not brave, I am not strong. I didn’t manage. Where are you? I am so sorry for letting you down. For letting everyone down. Is God punishing me now? Or has the Devil already won my soul? I am so scared, mommy. It’s so dark, it’s been so dark for such a long time, and I don’t think I will ever see the sun again.”

Jongin’s cry reached Jongdae’s ears again.

“I destroy everything I touch. I am so sorry for not being good enough. Can you please come back and take care of Jongin? He deserves better, he deserves love, mom, love like the one you gave me. I am too weak to give it to him. I only want to close my eyes and not hear anymore, and not to feel anymore. I am so sorry for letting you down, mommy. I am so sorry for not being good enough—“

And then, Jongdae heard the voice at the back of his head, and it only intensified his pain and ache.

“You’re a disaster, Jongdae,” the voice spoke, “look at yourself. Look what is left of you. You’re lying on a cold floor, in the pool of your own tears, choking and whining like your hurt was something more than any other person’s, bothering the dead! And there is Jongin, poor, defenseless baby, crying himself to sleep, because you are being selfish!”

“I just cannot do it,” he thought.

“Your mother hoped to raise a good, strong, independent child. And all you’ve been always doing, was letting her down. Her and everyone else. You’re just never good enough, Jongdae. You’ve never been for anyone! Even your friends gave up on you.”

“Please, go away.”

“And now you’re pleading. I cannot go away, Jongdae. I am part of you. I am your voice, your eyes, your ears, I am your mind. I am your only friend.”

“I want to be alone.”

“Alone is never good. You can never be alone. I will always be with you.”

“Go away.”

“I cannot go away. I am you, Jondgae.”

“You’re a monster.”

“And so are you.”

Jongin’s choking cry reached Jongdae’s ears.

This chapter is shorter then others, and I am sorry for that. Please, everyone, take good care of your mental health, the way you are taking care of your body.