When Dahyun goes to her bed, purely out of a friendly want (at least it what Jihyo tells herself; she can't get carried away) to engage in friendly bonding time with their group's leader, Jihyo allows it and she keeps her own wants (a whole different view from platonic affection) dense. She avoids Sana's raised eyebrow and grits her teeth over the sympathy the girl seemed to feel for her, over the bleeding heart she kept beating ceaselessly for a tiny girl with technicolor locks who wasn't hers to hog on a bed in the first place.

And they're there, blankets tangled around laughing bodies and Jihyo smiles over Dahyun's chatter. The noise of it rings in her ears and she memorizes the sound. She also burns the image of the accompanying smile that crinkles the edges of Dahyun's eyes and Jihyo relaxes somewhat. 

But Dahyun keeps talking, and soon Jihyo's head is just filled with noise, her heart thrashing against her ribs. 

Dahyun takes Jihyo's hands in hers, grinning all the while and continuing with her talk, and all Jihyo's thinking about are their hands clasped together (like how Dahyun did with Sana, angelic Sana) and she allows herself some indulgence, dreaming about running her lips down Dahyun's knuckles in butterfly kisses, to make her squeal and blush (and she'd be so happy, because she did that).

It's dark, it's late, and Jihyo does it without really thinking. She's a good leader, she keeps the group together, and there was no use causing trouble especially with something as sad and silly as love, and Jihyo nearly regrets her action until she realizes that Dahyun doesn't comment on this, merely fixing her dark eyes and holding Jihyo's in a curious stare before rattling off again, smile back in place.

While she's busy sussing ot the redder edges of her dreams about this, she keeps in mind that they're just friends. Dahyun lets Sana do the exact same thing, hell, Dahyun would let everyone do her little self-indulgent act of unrequited affection, but at the very moment, Jihyo would've done anything Dahyun would've asked her to do at a single drop of her words. 

Jihyo simply keeps falling in love and realizes too late that soon enough Dahyun falls silent in a slow, dragged-out way, observing Jihyo run her lips whispering unheard promises on her fingers and crap, she's staring--

I'm a good leader. And friend.

She imagines (sees, rather) Sana's pitying glances and Dahyun's unknowing gaze that somehow also knew so much more. 

She quickly snaps back the hand holding Dahyun's in place and edges backwards. Dahyun draws her own hand back and Jihyo feels her heart falling faster than it did. Clearing , Jihyo mutters an apology before turning the other direction. 

(and then she remembers earlier that day, Nayeon came to her, hoping for help in ironing out problems concerning the heart and Jihyo helped her with it, because admittedly, Jeongyeon was kind of an idiot until Nayeon looked at her with a sickeningly familiar pity and Jihyo also caught herself looking at Dahyun again. "Don't you take your own advice?")

Jihyo swallows back the lump in .

"You could've at least listened a little bit, Park Jisoo."

The words fall innocently and unassumingly from Dahyun's lips, melodic and lilting. Jihyo slaps herself mentally, furious over how something as simple as hearing her real name in Dahyun's voice, soft and clear, could cause her heart to skip beats and stomach to trip itself into unrecognizable knots.

Maybe if she's lucky, this skip-beat thing might cause her to have a heart attack and save her this suffering that she thought only occured in sappy K-dramas.

She hears Dahyun giggle teasingly behind her and Jihyo rolls back around, a semi-snarky, semi-playful retort prepared but instead she sees Dahyun mouth "goodnight' before snuggling into the pillow, drawing the blanket up to her chin (and Jihyo wonders if its possible to contract diabetes from something so sweet).

She's asleep not too long after, seemingly oblivious to Jihyo and the world around her.

Jihyo resists the urge to trace the the gentle slopes of Dahyun's features (she'd gladly feel plain next to her because it's Dahyun) or twirl a technicolor strand of hair in her fingers because she's seen Sana do it and even if there's a spiteful part of her that's goading her into it she keeps her hands to herself. I can look all I want, though. For now.

She look she does, planning on mapping out every detail of Dahyun until she's sure her eyes are rolling back into her head but they don't and she's both grateful and somewhat miffed; Dahyun, who is just so so, so beautiful, it's hard to breathe or think clearly.

At least while she isn't making sure that Dahyun (and their other members naturally), one of their youngest and the one with possibly far too much expectation piled onto her shoulders, is eating enough, sleeping enough, keeping up with rapid improvement demanded by the public and hectic idol schedules. 

(it's through being a good leader that Jihyo manages to communicate tiny bits of what she feels, and she's a little content with that) 

I'm in love.

The thought is giddy and painful all at once and Jihyo spies the slightest of curls at the ends of Dahyun's mouth (she wants to kiss it and she knows it would be worth it).

Jihyo wonders when she fell in love, and everything in her mind is a jumble and in a rush to pinpoint the exact set of reasons to why she was in this predicament now. 

(maybe it was she first met Dahyun as a trainee, younger, hair and smile not as colorfully vibrant, struggling with the woes of idol trainee life)

(maybe it was when she saw Dahyun with the most mischievous expression on her face, creeping around their dorm, in the process of executing some clever prank on fellow maknae Tzuyu)

(or perhaps when someone even as dense as Momo and Jeongyeon slyly recognizing the longing etched directly on the heart she wore on her sleeve and gleefully pointing it out)

(could it be that time when she found Dahyun playing the piano, fingers splayed and graceful and music lilting and boy oh boy did Jihyo tumble head over heels but hadn't she already)

(heck, even that stupid and still adorable eagle dance she made up as a sixth grader)

(or... when she saw Sana and Dahyun and seeing the same spark she felt herself and realizing that she's fallen in way too deeply to claw her way out)

Jihyo edges closer and thinks about the things she would do to express this ache in her head and heart and everywhere if she could.

She reaches out and impulsively allows herself to brush back some of Dahyun's hair. It's a perfectly friendly gesture.

(and in some weird, incomprehensible way, she starts waxing lyrical about things and quirks she finds beautiful in this girl)

(the perfect, perfect structure of her face, her hands, her body-- everything, even the little bumps and scratches that make it more uniquely Dahyun)

(the way Dahyun's lips curve and grin when she laughs not because of some joke or whatever but because she was truly happy)

(how she could get away with calling Dahyun 'tofu' and be rewarded with the cutest of pouts and sparkling eyes)

(or how she'd play with her necklace when she's nervous, when she'd bite her lip and dig her nails into her palms)

(her personal favorite would have to be how the way her lashes flutter when she's tired, and sometimes made Jihyo wish she were more talented, prettier, funnier, on real equal footing with her fellow members because Dahyun deserves so much better than just old Jihyo)

At this point, Jihyo drags herself back to her side of the bed, flushing at how dangerously close she was to Dahyun's face. Especially with the ghost of a kiss sitting so enticingly near.

Her heart's racing, her mind going in a million different directions, going over every single memory, daydream and fruitless wish upon wish.

(but she is their leader. Jihyo was-- is, first and foremost, a leader. And a friend)

(Dahyun deserves so much. Isn't Sana what she deserves?)

Jihyo pulls the blanket up as well, feeling sleep weighing heavily on her eyelids.

I love you... and everyone else.

Her heartbeats are loud and thundering and for some guilty reason she can imagine Sana hearing it, circling around the exact reasons on why their leader acted strangely around Dahyun nowadays. She fancies it's Dahyun's heartbeat, slow and steady, not frantic and ashamed at how covetuously she had just lost herself. She should be lullabied by it. 

Everyone else.

Jihyo's exhausted, but she can't sleep, not while Dahyun is inches away, colorful hair a surprisingly well-blended addition to the moonlight hanging cold and keen over her features, all soft and angled and all too beautiful.

She doesn't look anymore, and she doesn't touch either (because such a lovely image wasn't hers in the first place anyway) but it's there.

She prods at the splitting cracks in her heart that Dahyun's both filling and further demolishing, and eventually she settles with closing her eyes and hoping for unconsciousness to come take her soon while she feels warm breaths hitting her face and reminding her of what was her place.

Her heart skips one more beat and Jihyo wishes secretly for the hundredth time, wishing uselessly in the dead of the night as she usually does, that one day it'll be Dahyun's that skips beats for her as well.