He missed Luhan every minute of every day. He thought that eventually he'd get used to the hole in his heart but time had only served to widen it. Every morning he woke up and Luhan wasn't in the kitchen to wish him good morning broke his heart a little further. 

 Maybe it was all his fault. Maybe if he'd fought harder for him Luhan wouldn't have left. Maybe it was because he'd fought for him that Luhan left.

 The fact that Luhan had thrown everything away so easily was what hurt the most. He'd given so much to Luhan. He'd laugh if he had it in him. He didn't; none of it mattered anymore.

 Xiumin had been star struck from day one. He was a relatively shy guy but Luhan had broken through that in 6 seconds flat. That's all it took, really, for Luhan to make his way into your heart. It wasn't even a question whether or not they would become best friends, they just did.

 They'd been through so much together.

 The nights they'd stayed up, Luhan helping him with his Mandarin until they were so tired they would fall asleep on each other's shoulders. Xiumin swore he could still smell Luhan's bodywash on his pillow. 

 The first time they'd held hands. It was on stage for a variety show but Xiumin swore the spark was so strong they could both feel it. It had him dizzy for days when he remembered it.

  The first time they kissed...

 Luhan had shrugged it off to the drinks they'd had that night. Xiumin went along with it only because his friendship with Luhan was more important than anything else. He knew Luhan hadn't had any drinks all night but kept his mouth shut. He wanted to say he wanted it but kept his mouth shut. There would be more opportunities, right?

 Wrong. 

 They had been best friends since they were trainees and one kiss ended it all.

 Xiumin woke up the next day like it was any other, minus the fact he'd kissed his best friend the night before and couldn't get it out of his head; otherwise it was a normal morning. It wasn't until he'd gone to the kitchen that things changed. They changed so much, so fast.

 When he saw the look on Suho's voice as he spoke into his cell phone, all upset and confused, he knew something wasn't right. This wasn't the run of the mill problems they had normally. Suho hadn't looked like this since...

 After Suho announced Luhan's departure Xiumin zoned out. He sat in the kitchen, staring at the wall. He sat there for the rest of the day, ignoring the others requests to move or speak. 

 How could he speak to them when this was his fault? He'd driven Luhan away. It was his fault Luhan had left, he was sure of it. He'd never have leaned in to the kiss if he'd known this would be the outcome... it wasn't worth it.

 One kiss with Luhan wasn't worth not being able to see him every morning, not worth looking at his empty bed and willing him back, not worth the empty space in his heart... 

 He didn't care if it was cliche for him to sleep with their photograph. He was long past the aesthetics of things like this. He was relatively sure almost everyone in the group had seen the photo at some point but they never mentioned it. Whether that was because they figured it was just him missing his best friend or they knew about his feelings, he wasn't sure. He just knew he was thankful that they kept their mouths shut.

  He would probably never stop loving Luhan. He didn't feel right without the younger boy. His heart was missing a piece he had never meant to give away. 

 Maybe that was life. You gave the pieces of your heart away unwillingly. It wasn't perfect and it was messy as hell but so was everything else. Life wasn't defined by what you did right but what you did wrong. 

 Maybe the kiss had been wrong but the way Xiumin remembered it every night led him to believe otherwise. Maybe it was wrong for Luhan and right for Xiumin. Maybe it was his fault and maybe it wasn't. 

 In the end Xiumin could only wonder, wonder what was wrong and what was right. Regardless of the outcome he couldn't regret the feel of Luhan's lips on his. Regret was negative and he refused to associate that moment with anything negative.

 Even though Luhan had left him behind he was still Xiumin's best friend. He could run away all he wanted but Xiumin would never forget him no matter how far he went.