We never discussed Minhwan's father or the night in the field again.

Seasons passed. Things went back to the way they had been. We played together, hung out together, laughed together, like nothing had ever happened. But I never forgot that night. It affected how I treated people, what I said and did. I matured from it.

Minhwan and I grew older. Our bond grew stronger. It seemed that after his confession, we could talk about personal things more freely. Well, it was part of our pact to not keep secrets from each other, anyway. Even still, I told him everything. He probably knew me better than I knew myself. And in turn, he told me his problems. I felt strangely special when he confided in me, as if he trusted me more and more.

But, slowly, Minhwan began to change.

I didn't notice it at first. It came in small parts. But the more I did notice, the more confused I became.

Minhwan started to smile often. Too often. Maybe more than was natural. And laughing. He seemed to laugh at everything. It was peculiar, but I tried to shrug it off.

At the same time, he started to become embarrassed very, very easily. The smallest thing would set him off, his cheeks flushing crimson red as he chuckled at himself awkwardly. I wanted to slap him silly. It wasn't like him at all.
It reminded me of the timidity someone gets around the person they like. And it gave me shivers.

 

---

 

Summer vacation was nearing its end. Minhwan and I spent most of the last week dragging ourselves around the house, moping and complaining about having to go to school. Then for about half an hour we would forget about it and do something fun, but after that it was right back to our useless protesting.

One day, we were laying on my house's roof, watching silently as clouds floated by and pointing out when one of them had a funny shape. Suddenly, Minhwan spoke up.

"Seunghyun! Your birthday is next week, isn't it?"

"My..." I started half-consciously, still cloud gazing. Then, my eyes widened. I couldn't believe I'd forgotten my own birthday. "Oh! Wow. Guess so."

"Did you really forget?" Minhwan asked with a smirk.

I shrugged. "I can't remember everything."

"Well... It's kind of your birthday."

"I've had things on my mind."

"Like moping about school?"

"Exactly."

Minhwan chuckled. Well, it was partly true.

I leaned up, propping myself up with my elbows, and stared at Minhwan. His hands were intertwined atop his chest as he twiddled his thumbs. His eyes were smiling. When he noticed me watching him, his eye smile went away and he immediately broke from my gaze. He touched his nose. My eye twitched. I'd quickly come to know that his nose touching was a sign of embarrassment or discomfort.

Stop it, I wanted to say. Stop doing that.

"So, what're you doing for my birthday, Minari?" I sang, changing the subject. I had to get my mind off it.

Minhwan pouted. Then he sat up and crossed his arms. "Can't tell you. It's a surprise."

"C'mon," I drawled while slapping Minhwan in the arm, "hint? Hint?"

"No! Stop it!" Minhwan ordered, giggling as he pushed my hand away. I retreated and crossed my own arms.

"Fine. I guess I won't tell you about the surprise I planned for you," I said, knowing there wasn't actually a surprise.

Minhwan's gaped. "What? Why? What?"

"Yup. It's a great surprise, too." I pretended to look to the sky in thought. Then I stood. "Let's go play video games."

Minhwan's mouth hung open. I walked briskly to my bedroom window, laughing to myself and ignoring his yelling as he followed quickly after me.

"What? Yah! Tell me!"

 

As my birthday neared, I was still skeptical of Minhwan. I tried to brainstorm ideas. I didn't know why it tore me apart, but I simply had to know. It proved to be a bad trait. But I couldn't care less. I was a selfish person.

What had happened to him to make him so giggly and shy? Something at school? With his parents? Was he…

… In love?

I shrugged. Possibly. But that didn't explain why he was always being shy and awkward around me. I stored it in the very back of my mind. I didn't think much of it.

But I should have.

 

Finally, my birthday rolled around.

Minhwan and I had a bit of a tradition when it came to birthdays. We would have a separate, larger party so we could invite all of our other friends, but we always reserved another day for a party between just ourselves. Between best friends.

I didn't exactly know what to expect, but I didn't expect much. Knowing Minhwan, he'd probably call me to come over, lead me to the kitchen or basement, have a cake and present ready for me, and we would eat it together while watching stupid videos on YouTube. That boy was so predictable.

And what do you know. I was spot on.

The minute I picked up the phone and heard Minhwan's excited, boyish voice, my heart pounded faster. I raced out of the house in a heartbeat.

Exhausted and out of breath, I slammed Minhwan's front door and bolted down the wooden steps, skipping a stair with each leap. I didn't know why my adrenaline was rushing so much that day. It was just my birthday. It was just Minhwan.

"Minhwan!" I called. A low, rumbling sound interrupted me. I slowed to a stop when I got to the bottom of the steps. The banging got louder. I stared in awe. Minhwan sat in the middle of the basement with the giant drum set surrounding him, the source of the cacophony. They seemed monstrous compared to tiny Minhwan, but it was obvious that he dominated over the drums. His drumsticks crashed down on every surface of the instrument. His hands moved like lightning. His eyes squinted closed as he went faster. He bounced in his chair with the rhythm of his tapping foot.

I swallowed hard. I knew he was good. But this was far beyond anything I'd ever imagined.

I watched in complete astonishment as Minhwan slammed the sticks against the drums as fast as he could. Then the tempo grew slower, slower, until at last he finished with a thunderous crash. He paused; the sound reverberated throughout the echoic room before he relaxed. He shifted both drumsticks into his left hand and brushed away his slightly sweat-drenched hair with his right. Heavy breaths escaped his lips. He rapidly shook his head, his hair falling back into place, patted it down, and his thick lips. He glanced upward to me through his fringe, eyes slightly narrowed.

My heart thumped uncomfortably in my chest.

Would it have been weird to say my best friend looked sort of hot in that moment?

As soon as it had come, the thought was gone. When he noticed my stare, he smiled exuberantly, his eye smile returning. He shrugged his shoulders. “Happy birthday, Seunghyun!”

My increased heart rate died away. That was a relief. I walked over to Minhwan, still somewhat in a daze, and placed my hands on his shoulders. I shook them back and forth. “Teach. Me. How. To. Play.”

Minhwan simply stared up at me and smiled. I scoffed.

“Well anyway. Thanks. That was cool,” I mumbled, feeling awkward for offering my thanks and still feeling jealous that he could play like he had been playing for years. I could play a few lame chords and some melodies on my guitar, but that was about it. Yeah, real cool.

“You’re welcome,” Minhwan said somewhat cheekily. I laughed.

“Although it was really random.”

“Not really. I’m making use of the gift you got me last year. That’s not that random.”

I groaned in mock irritation. He always seemed to prove me wrong in everything. I looked to my left hand, perusing my calloused fingertips. “Why do I even try?”

“Don’t worry,” Minhwan ushered, “it just takes practice, right?”

I smiled. “Yeah.”

“Let me see.” Minhwan reached up and pulled my fingers to him with his free hand. He studied my fingers. He grazed his own fingertips against mine. I shuddered. Why did I shudder?

When he noticed this, Minhwan flushed bright red. He retracted his hands. “U-um, sorry.”

I furrowed my eyebrows and let my hand drop to my side. But I couldn't deny the strange, anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach.

This was too weird.

"Well, whatever. Let's do something else."

"Okay," Minhwan agreed. "Like what?"

"Where's the cake?"

Minhwan thwacked my shoulder with one of his drumsticks, and then proceeded to twirl it between his fingers. I pouted. "What's the hurry? Let's do that later."

"I was joking," I drawled. "Fine. I have an idea."

"What?" Minhwan asked, a smile slowly spreading on his lips.

I grinned with him. "Let's make YouTube videos."

Minhwan eyed me skeptically.

 

---

 

After a couple hours of nonsensical screaming and video recording, we'd made what we considered a masterpiece. Using the little knowledge of English I had, I'd pranced around like a stupid idiot while I yelled "Good Morning Bob" and pointed at things, yelling out their names in English. Minhwan recorded, of course, but we kept taking turns. Finally, we uploaded our movies onto YouTube for the world to see. We were extremely proud of ourselves.

"We finished," I exclaimed with a grin, leaning back into the swivel chair.

"Yeah. One day, this video will get a million views. I know it. We'll be famous."

I snickered. "Right."

"We will!"

I glanced to my enthusiastic best friend. "That's shooting a little high, don't you think?"

"Maybe," Minhwan said with a shrug. After a couple seconds of comfortable silence, I heard Minhwan take a deep, lengthy breath. Then, he shot out of his swivel chair and ran toward me. "Alright, it's cake time!" He began to grab at my hands, yanking me toward him in an attempt to pull me up. And it was a breeze for him, too--all that drumming practice not only helped his skill, but his strength, as well. I immediately jumped off the chair, one arm raised in surrender, not wanting to lose the other one.

"Alright, alright! Don't rip my arm off," I said, chuckling. He continued to lead me toward the neatly set dining table which he'd covered with a white thin cloth. Running to the refrigerator, he pulled out a cake--probably bought from the local store, knowing Minhwan--and a couple of candles. Whipping out a match, he struck the tip, sending it ablaze. He took one of the dining room chairs, positioned it right next to the table, and stood on it so he could get in a better position to light candles.

"I don't think you should do that. You probably won't be able to reach it," I teased, earning me a smack to the back of my head.

"Shut up," he said through laughter, "I'm not a little kid."

"You are to me," I sang.

"You want the cake or not?"

"Okay, okay."

Minhwan smiled victoriously as he lit the last candle, taking a step back to admire his work. When he grinned at me, I couldn't help but flash a smile back. He seemed back to normal. Nothing was up. Everything was fine. Definitely.

"Well, here goes."

Minhwan took a deep breath and sang the birthday song to me. He seemed a bit shy singing, but I smiled the whole time, anyway, even singing along at times to usher him on. He really did have a nice voice. And I could tell he was singing from the heart, that he meant it. Maybe it was just a "best friend" thing. When he finished the song, he closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he stared contently into mine.

After an awkward pause, Minhwan cleared his throat and quickly touched his nose, sending me back to the confusion of reality. “Yeah, I don’t sing a lot.”

“Nah, your voice is nice,” I said as casually as I could, not making eye contact. I didn’t see it, but I was sure Minhwan was blushing.

“Well anyway,” Minhwan perked up, scooting into the wooden bench to sit next to me, “don’t forget to make a wish!”

“Yeah yeah,” I mumbled, trying to hold back a grin. Minhwan bounced excitedly in his seat as I shut my eyes.

After I made my wish and blew out all of my candles in one go, Minhwan practically jumped me. “So what’d you wish for???” he exclaimed, patting my shoulder blade.

“I wished that you would calm down for once.”

“Yah!” Minhwan said. “That’s a lie.”

“Yeah, well I’m still not telling you,” I said in a teasing, sarcastic tone. Smiling, Minhwan turned to straddle the bench and tapped my arm again.

“No no, you should tell me.”

I straddled the bench as well and returned the tap. “No, I don’t think I should.”

From there we play-fought and argued for a couple seconds, laughing and slapping each other and grabbing at each other’s wrists. I caught Minhwan’s hands tightly in mine to stop them from hitting me again. Minhwan’s smile disappeared. He gently tugged his hands away from my grasp as my expression faded as well. I looked down to my empty hands. I could see out of my peripheral vision that Minhwan was blushing. Again.

My heart pounded in my ears. I didn’t want to do it, but it was now or never. I had to ask.

“Why do you keep acting like that? It’s kinda weird,” I asked slowly in my most upbeat voice, but it sounded more like feigned enthusiasm. I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. My hands were shaking and wet. I laughed awkwardly, forcedly, and shoved Minhwan’s shoulder lightly again. I looked up. “What? Are you attracted to me or something?”

And immediately after I’d said it, I regretted it. Because I’d done it. Without knowing, I’d crossed the line.

Minhwan lifted his head to meet my eyes. His normally sharp, smiling eyes were stricken by a look of anxiety, of fear. Of longing. Of love.

And realization hit me. My whole body went cold. I tried to swallow again, but found that I couldn’t. My heartbeat was so thunderous, I could barely concentrate.

Oh no.

"I...” Minhwan started, tearing away from my gaze. I tried to move, but I couldn’t. Tried to speak, but I couldn’t.

“I can’t stop these feelings,” Minhwan whispered. I finally managed to shake my head the slightest bit.

No, Minhwan. No. Please don’t say it. Please.

“I don't k-know why, but...”

No.

“…It's only when I'm with you," Minhwan stammered loudly, looking up again to meet my eyes.

My stomach dropped. His eyes spoke of an emotion so powerful, it sent a shiver down my spine. I couldn’t turn away. I was lost, confused, and somehow still in denial. I didn’t want to believe what he was telling me. I tried to think of something to say, anything, but everything was happening so fast I could barely think.

“Minhwan…” I managed to choke inaudibly.

“I don’t… I don’t know what to do,” Minhwan muttered, tears welling in his eyes. And for the first time, I didn’t know what to do either. Instinct told me to embrace my best friend, comfort him until he was happy again. But this was different. Completely different.

In my overwhelming cloud of thoughts, I didn’t notice Minhwan squint his eyes and begin to lean in, inching closer and closer to me. As I snapped back to reality, I realized just how close we were. My heart stopped. I swallowed. Or at least, tried to swallow. Again, I felt frozen. I leaned back the slightest bit. Stop, I wanted to scream. This isn’t right. I wanted to push him away. I wanted to slap him. I wanted to wake up and realize that this was all a dream.

But I didn’t do any of that.

Instead, I squeezed my eyes shut and braced myself. I can't say why I did, but I did. I could hear Minhwan in a shaky breath.

And we kissed.

All my worries seemed to fade into the air. I completely forgot what I had been doubtful of. The only thing I could hear was my heart. The only thing I could feel was Minhwan. 

Minhwan. I was kissing Minhwan, my best friend. And yet, it felt... nice. Maybe even perfect.

When he finally pulled away a couple inches from my face, I didn't open my eyes. I wanted to hold onto this moment and this unfamiliar emotion. Was it right or was it wrong? Was it okay to feel this way? I didn't know. But all I knew was that I wanted to do it again. So I did.

We kissed for a few minutes. His lips felt perfect. I gently placed my hands on top of his, and he didn't pull away. All my thoughts disappeared until the sound of a door slamming brought me back to attention.

His parents were still here. I had forgotten. I immediately shoved him away, causing Minhwan to almost stumble backwards, and rubbed my lips with the back of my wrist. I stood from the bench, shocked; I felt like I was hyperventilating. People could have seen us. What if we'd been found out?

This was wrong. This was all wrong.

"U-um," I stuttered, refusing to look up. I didn't want to see Minhwan's face. I didn't want to see those emotions again. "Thanks for the party and the cake. It was fun."

"S-seung--"

I ran. Up the stairs, pushing past Minhwan's surprised mom, through the front door, and out into the street. And I kept running. Away from him, my feelings, everything. I wanted to forget everything that had happened, leave it all behind. But no matter how hard I ran, it wouldn't leave. 

Why did it have to be Minhwan?

Panting heavily, I slowed to a walk to catch my breath. I saw, out in the distance, the field he and I had gone to on his birthday the year before. I thought of Minhwan again, that moment last fall. I felt a strange pain in my heart, something mixed with confusion and sadness. Ignoring it, I walked toward the grass anyway. 

Being hidden by the tall plants, I felt safe. I found a somewhat flattened part of the grass, crouched down, and laid down on my side, drawing my knees to my chest. I looked up into the sky. It was already dark. The few stars in the sky began to blur together like a watercolor painting dabbed with water as I remembered Minhwan again. A tear slid down my cheek. Then another, until they wouldn't stop.

Why hadn't I seen it coming? How could I have been in denial that whole time? Why did I have to realize it until it was too late?

This had to be my fault. I was the one who had let him kiss me. I could have said no, but… was it because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings? Or was it something entirely different?

No, I thought, shaking my head violently, I’m not like that. I can’t love Minhwan. But nothing else made sense.

I cried in that field, alone, until I had no more tears to shed.

 

---

 

After a few days of avoiding everyone, especially Minhwan, I began to question myself. All I felt capable of doing was sleeping, eating, watching TV, staring out the window, and sleeping again. I felt completely drained and empty. Now, I was in my eating stage.

Could I talk to Minhwan? Moreover, did I have the courage? I was more afraid than anything to apologize to him. I didn’t think I could face him. The only thing I could see when I thought of or heard his name was that kiss. How nice it was. How wrong it was.

But, if I apologized, we could potentially continue with our lives, pretend nothing ever happened, just like the confession in the field.

Oh yeah. I’d forgotten. This was extremely different. I furiously stirred the cereal in my bowl, drops of milk spilling out.

“Honey,” my mom said cautiously from her position in front of the kitchen counter. I jumped and glanced up, eyes widened. “Is there something going on between you and Minhwan?”

“… Kind of.”

“Are you two in a fight, maybe? Do you want to talk about it?”

I grumbled and lowered my eyes back to my cereal. Food didn’t seem appetizing anymore.

My mom pouted her bottom lip slightly. “Well, whatever it is, you should talk about it soon. A friendship like yours is hard to find. You may regret leaving things as they are if you don’t do something now.”

“But it’s more complicated than that.”

“Hm. Does it have to do with love?” she questioned, the slightest curl of a smile on her lips.

I felt as if I’d been electrocuted. My heart immediately began to ache again. How did she read me like that?

“… Kinda.”

I leaped from the kitchen stool, leaving my half-eaten cereal bowl, and went to my room.

 

Minhwan kept trying to call me. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t talk to him. I was a coward. It was as if, compared to ourselves two years ago, we had switched places.

I would begin to miss him. Being with him, hanging out like best friends did. But then memories would flood into my mind like a raging tsunami, and I’d become confused all over again. I couldn’t keep doing this. Would it be best if I just… called it off? Our friendship? I considered it long and hard. Still, I couldn’t come to a consensus.

Five days after the kiss, my father decided that I had had plenty of time indoors for the last few of days, so he kicked me out.

“No! I can’t go outside!”

“Yes you can. You can’t stay inside forever. Now go have fun and get your vitamin D,” he commanded. “Oh, and be back by 7. We need to talk to you,” he finished, shutting and locking the door on me. I stared in disbelief at the door. I could have easily gone through the back gate and into my house again, but my dad would have just as easily thrown me right back out. I sighed. Well, I guess I can’t do anything else. I trudged down the sidewalk.

The sun was just beginning to dip lower in the sky, but it still shone bright. For a late summer day, the air was perfect, and the wind crisp. But I hardly noticed; I was too busy seeking out Minhwan. I was nervous and on my toes. What would I do if I saw him? What would I say? I didn’t know.

And in the middle of my confusion, I decided to glance up. There he was, standing, almost cowering. He seemed afraid. A powerful shiver went down my spine. It reminded me of the first day I’d met him.

“Minhwan…”

He didn’t move an inch. Rather, his whole body shook harder. I gulped, but the annoying inability to swallow made its return. My heart pounded wildly. I took a cautious step forward just as Minhwan did.

 “Minhwan—“

“Seunghyun—“

We both paused mid-sentence. I looked up and stared at him, pressing my lips together to let him know he could talk first. My chest thumped even harder as I got a closer look at Minhwan’s face. His eyes were faintly pink, his skin slightly dry from days of tears. I could feel my heart being constricted, choked. I caught sight of his lips. The lips I’d felt only days ago.

What do I say? What did my heart tell me to do? What was the right thing to say?

 “I’m really sorry, Seunghyun, I…” Minhwan rushed, but stopped when his voice cracked. He covered his lips with one of his hands in an attempt to stop himself from crying, but it didn’t help much. I could feel the tears pricking the corners of my eyes as I watched him. But, to my surprise, I didn’t have the desire to run over and hug him. I had to distance myself from this person. No matter how much my heart ached, I had to end this before it got out of hand. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t meant to be.

Right?

“Minhwan… I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”

Silence followed. I refused to look up.

“It’s for the best,” I pushed out, not giving my words a second thought.

“…S-Seung—“

“Well, I’ll see you around,” I said in a horribly fake way. I could feel my throat tightening up.

“Bye.”

Taking one more glance up, storing away that last image of Minhwan in my mind, I ran.

And this time, I really did leave everything.

 

---

 

“A new job?”

 “Yes, son. Your father got a new job.”

“We’ll be moving to Seoul in a couple of weeks.”

The words replayed like a broken record in my mind up until my last days in our small town.

I didn’t know what to feel. Well, it was more like I felt so many emotions that I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

Not for one day, one minute, did I stop thinking about Minhwan in those last days.

As we packed our last belongings into the moving van, as we said our last goodbyes to our first home, and as we drove down our street and away from our previous lives forever, I thought of Minhwan. All the time we spent together, all those moments spent laughing and playing, all the memories we shared. I was leaving all of that. He was my best friend.

And I hadn’t even said goodbye.

 

What have I done? I asked myself.

Ironically, what I’d thought had been the right decision, had been wrong.

And I regretted it. For five years I regretted it.

Because I knew in my heart that I loved him. Not the kind of love I shared for a friend, but for something much more than that.

But I didn’t realize until it was too late.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

;_________;

Well, second part of And We Found Love. Sorry this chapter ends on a sad note… but it’s not over ~

Yeahhhh I originally said it’d be two parts, but I LIEEEED. Lucky you. LOL

So yeah, I’ll be writing up the final part in time. :>

I hope you stick around for it ;u;

Thanks for reading, hope you liked it ~ :D :D :D