My entire high school life was spent locked in my shell of comfort. I pushed everyone who tried to bring me out. I shut my foster parents' futile attempts. Running away from home, doing delinquent things like stealing, self-harm and bullying became a way to sort my jumbled mess of a brain out. 

I ask myself every goddamn day, "When can I get out of my own storm?"

I remember every single moment of that accident where I lost my biological parents.

After picking me up from cram school, we were heading to the city to visit my grandma who was hospitalized after a sudden seizure. We lived at the outskirts of the capital because mum didn't like the bustling city. She needed a place where she could focus on her pottery-making work. The tension in the car on the way to the hospital was unbearable. Dad and mum were fighting over his increasing debt in the car. Bills hasn't been paid for months and she mentioned that electricity at home had been cut off. I kept myself quiet at the back seat, not daring to intervene in the adults' affairs, silently praying they would stop soon. Harsh arguments bounced back and forth until mum slapped him hard.

He lost control of the car and that was it.

Rolling and rolling and turning and turning. My body trapped against the seatbelts, the restrain was so painful I thought my insides were smashed to bits. The sound of the car denting and disfiguring filled my ears. Others honked in fear as they avoided our car. My parents' screams were silenced at some point and I was left alone with my dead parents in the car by the road side. Glass shards scraped against my face, leaving thin scars that'll never fade even with time. I thought it was never going to end. I thought I'd be gone judging from the amount of blood pooling around me but no, it didn't belong to me. Karma decided to spare my life and torture it.

 

Its New Year Eve. 

I was at the New Year festival alone, cup of sweet corns in my right hand, the other held a tiny disfigured plastic spoon. The carpark was full and many others had to park their cars by the side of the vast field. A traffic jam was already forming. The cold weather were a million needles pricking against my skin. The only thing I had on was a thin jumper and shorts because who'd have the time to think on what to wear if your foster parents were checking up on you every five minutes and you were supposed to climb out the window without them realising it?

 

There was this famous band performing and the crowd was really ridiculous. Teenage girls were cheering their hearts out for their favourite members and pushed each other to get to the front. The sound systems were blaring the music and lightsticks were waved. Somehow I managed to squeeze through. I was giving up on the thought of waiting for another hour in the packed field, legs are more than ready to go jello on me.

I got carried away with the current of people and soon found myself tripping over a stuffed toy. Now, which dumb thought it was okay to put a teddybear in the middle of nowhere? My entire body was embracing itself for impact but it never came. I landed on something soft and contemplated on staying there because it was so warm until I heard a low grunt from underneath. My eyes widened at the sight of a pale boy below me. Oh, so thats why it didn't hurt.

I scrambled off him and extended my hand to help him up, "I'm so sorry, are you alright?"

"Yeah.. I should be the one saying sorry. I didn't see you, really.", he flashed a kind smile and dusted the grass and soil off his pants with his free hand. I was still holding his other one without realising. I guess he was just very warm and homey I didn't want to let go.

"Oh no no no, its my fault.", I insisted. "Totally mine, I wasn't looking-"

"No, I mean, I really can't see you.", he awkwardly scratched the back of his head, "I'm blind."

"Oh." 

Way to go, Sarah Jane. You just rammed yourself onto a blind guy. I am amused to see how stupid and careless you can get. I made a mental note to shoot myself in the brain after the countdown. My sight fell on the black-coloured walking stick, lying a few feet away from me. "Are you sure you're alright?", I asked as I picked it up and gave it back to him. "Here."

He accepted it with a grateful nod. He was really beautiful now that I think about it. He looked like a lost angel, with his soft features and pale skin. The way he smiles at everything. The way his black hair fell into his eyes because of the winter breeze.

"Do you need help going around?", I asked.

"No, its okay, my friend had family matters to attend to. I was about to leave anyway", he replied and bowed politely. "Thanks and really, it wasn't your fault."

Looking at his retreating figure, I don't know what made me do it but I still did it. I somehow needed to do it.

"Hey!" I caught up and grabbed his arm, his eyes going wide in surprise. I laughed at his reaction, "You cannot miss the New Year festival activities you know. Lets go!"

 

Despite both of us having only just met, we clicked well together. What was two hours of friendship felt like it had been years since I knew him. We caught goldfishes, we ate noodles, we played games at the stalls, (There was this game where I had to fish a rubber duck out of the water and get the lucky number seven to win a stuffed toy and he happened to be a psychic. We got ten bears but he gave away the other nine to the kids around us and one for me), we even laughed at each other being scared by ghosts in the haunted house. To think of it, its weird we managed to get this close in two hours.

We were walking towards the open clearing, my hand gripped tightly over his forearm to not lose him in the crowd when I realised, "Its almost time."

He tilted his head in confusion, and stopped walking to face me, both of his hand was occupied with our drinks. The festival's hot chocolate is beyond awesome. "Time for?"

I chuckled and dragged him to an empty spot at the far end of the field. We laid on the soft grass, our feet shuffling against the green leaves. It was a small space but just enough to fit both of us. Everyone has started to gather around for the new year countdown, some huddled in the middle, clanking cans of beer, some in pairs wrapped in blanket, some alone with earphones plugged in. I would've been the last one if I hadn't met the blind boy beside me. He was staring off into the dark sky in silence and I smiled at the sight. He looked so peaceful and serene. I wanted this moment to last, drowning off others' voices and the scent of grass flooding into our noses. Realizing the fact we didn't know each others' names I took the initiative to introduce myself first, "Sarah. My name's Sarah Jane. I didn't tell you that."

"Oh god, its been two hours and I have been hanging out with a girl I don't even know her name?!", he laughed. It was music to my ears. It resembled soft ballads you could listen to at night and it would calm you down with close to no effort at all. "Yixing. I'm Zhang Yixing"

"You're as much of a stranger to me too, okay?", I pouted and nudged the marshmallow-filled cup at his shoulder. "Do you want some?"

He laughed and shook his head. "Its okay." He sat up and took off his coat. I was about to nag about how the weather is cold and he shouldn't take it off until he draped the coat over both of us. "I noticed you weren't wearing any winter clothes and thought you're probably freezing right now. This is okay, right?"

I breathed out a small yes and rejoiced at the warmth of his grey coat and Yixing's warmth himself. He laid back down and asked, "Is the sky pretty tonight?" 

I smiled and looked at the star-packed sky. The twinkling lights were beautiful. "Very."

"Are there stars?"

"Billions of them."

Yixing went quiet after that. I looked at my watch and a smile crept onto my face, "10"

"10?"

"9." I continued the countdown. Soon, everyone else joined in. "8...7.....6.....5....4....3....2....1!"

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

 

The loud sound of fireworks thundered throughout the whole park, everyone cheered with their friends and families, enjoying the bright lights from the fireworks that covered the entire area. The flowers of neon in the sky was accompanied by snow, the flakes landing on the ground gracefully and melted into the layer of puffy white snow from before. The cheering served as a fitting background music to the scenery.

 It was beautiful. I never knew something could look so beautiful. I stared at Yixing, who was smiling wistfully to himself, one hand supporting his head behind it and the other reaching out to the sky to catch snowflakes in his palm.

"Ah, I wish I could see this. Its very mesmerizing, isn't it?", he let out a shaky breath, white mist forming as the hot air from his mouth collided with the cold air. "Back when I could still see and my parents were still alive, my parents and I would casually walk around festivals and wait for the highlight. We'd watch the fireworks light up the sky and accompany the stars."

"Zhang Yixing." How can he look so happy when the world turned its back on him? How can he smile when all there is to his world is a darkness void of any light at all. My heart clenched and I could feel my lips tremble as I tried not to cry. He can't see all this no matter how bright they all are anymore. Even if you sent millions of them soaring through the night sky, he can't see them. My fist were balled hard, red crescents were forming on my skin at where my nails had made contact with. "Don't smile if you're not happy."

"Why not?" He asked, snowflake by snowflake fell on his pale palm. He was still smiling but it had faltered to a smaller one.

How can you still smile when you can't see all this.

"It hurts. I know it hurts so don't smile. If its painful, cry! Why smile?!"

 A couple of seconds passed, we stayed still with no words exchanged, the fireworks coming to its highlight and it was getting even more colourful and grand with different types of patterns bursting in the sky all at once.

"I spent my entire life crying alone.", he replied when it was almost finishing, "Trying so hard to imagine what those things looked like. Yes, it hurts not even able to remember how petty things like colours look like but I don't want to let that take my happiness away. There's more to my life than just my sight, right?"

The last of the fireworks sent golden sparks into the sky, making it look like stars were raining down on Earth. People clapped their hands and screamed, a few were announcing their New Year's resolutions out loud. I looked down and thought about what Yixing had said. 

What is life if you can't see? But then again, when you lose something, you gain something much more special and in Yixing's case, it was his principles. How he puts his trusts in others, how he comes to like people through their personalities instead of their looks and how he began appreciating his surroundings more than normal people do. Yixing lost his sight but he could love, trust and appreciate more than anyone else could and the one girl Yixing would love in the future is the luckiest one alive because he would never betray her and he would definitely cherish her with his all. 

I smiled, feeling thankful to have my heart beating hard for a person who's one of a kind instead of some arrogant bastard from high school, "Happy New Year, Yixing."

"Happy New Year, Sarah."

 

Its been three years since then. We gave each other our phone numbers and went to the same university after graduation, taking music as our major. Yixing and I were inseparable. When I first took him home, my foster parents were shocked and they had to double-check whether I wasn't feeling well or not. My mum thought I was crazy but at the end of the day, she was more than happy for the change and kept thanking Yixing for all he's done to get me out of my blizzard.

I even started talking to other people. Mainly because Yixing's loud friends, Chanyeol and Baekhyun, who also go to our university won't leave me be until I talked. They thought I was Yixing's girlfriend and Baekhyun was hitting Chanyeol all over screaming how his baby Yixing had grown up and the latter had to remind him that Yixing was a good year older than them. Therefore, they were technically Yixing's babies not the other way around.I have twenty-three good and believable reasons why I think the two are dating each other behind our backs and listing them out would most probably require at least ten pages. Not that I'm against them, they are very shippable and cute but it'd be nice if they come out to Yixing and I soon.

As for me, my heart has been killed and resurrected too many times to count for the past few years. Yixing dyed his hair brown after graduation because Baekhyun dared him to and that didn't do much justice to my already hurting heart. Every single time he falls into my line of sight smiling, dimples out to stab me in the chest, wearing the red sweater I got for him a year after we met that was starting to get worn out because he wears it too much, I would sprint the opposite direction only to have a hard time explaining why I did it when his two friends have me cornered in the cafe at our campus. Of course, Baekhyun and Chanyeol knew about my not-so-little crush on their hyung but they understood how hard it was for me and that is why I really love them as friends. 

I felt like a lovesick teenage fangirl and I couldn't stop it.

It was New Year eve again. 

Two years ago I had been moping around eating sweet corn, cursing at every girl who went, "Oppa is so cuteeee oh my god, when are they going to come ouuuut". I mentioned that to Baekhyun when he asked how I met Yixing and received a harsh neck chop. He was one of the group's die hard fanboys apparently but couldn't make it that day because his mum had a fever. That was also when I realised that Baek was the friend Yixing said had family matters to attend to when I tripped on him.

This eve, I was invited to Yixing's house for dinner. It was an annual thing. It was my house last year so its his this year. I snuck out of home and made my way to dad's 'antique' truck. The sitting spots worn open to the hairy stuffing and poking wires. I pressed in the keys. The engine kicked alive with a loud chuff and black puffs from the tailpipes spread across the snowy yard. I knew the god awful sound was gonna wake the living out of my parents but its okay. They'll understand the moment I tell them I went to see Yixing.

The truck bounced along the rut road and tilted in every way possible. It had been driving our family around the outskirts for almost 12 years, so it should be fine. I parked the truck one block away from the park as planned by me and Yixing, right infront of an empty road with a 6-feet tall sign that says "restricted area" at the top of it. I smiled cheekily at the sight of Yixing leaning against the sign's pole, a wooden basket hung lazily at the tip of his fingers.

 "Yixing-ah!", I jumped on his back and laughed at his cute 'oh!'.

 He lets out a soft aish and pinched my cheeks. "I could've died!"

 I rolled my eyes at this and stuck my tongue out even if he couldn't see it. Yixing has a knack for sensing when I stick my tongue out or pull weird faces at him. He calls it his 'Sarah Sixth Sense'.

Yixing shook his head in defeat and proceeded to pull me by arm into a path that let us into a dimly lit forest, with barely glowing lamp posts at the side of the snowy path every five metres.

"Where are we going? I thought we were supposed to go to your house, to eat steak or something?"

Yixing's currently dragging me along the snow-caked road thats leading us up the small hill. He was counting the steps carefully. Our crunching steps were louder than ax whacks.The neighbourhood became more distant with each taken. Thin ice clung onto the rocks beside the path, they looked like shining diamonds.

I planted my face into Yixing's back when he stopped abruptly. "Yixing!"

"Sorry." He turned to face me and rubbed my red nose. "I think its here." 

"Whats here?"

He sheepishly smiled and pointed behind him. "Whats there?"

Skating rink? I cocked my head to the side in confusion. "An ice rink? I don't know, it looks like a frozen lake to me."

"Ah, right we're here! Okay, now look at the opposite direction.", he grabbed me by my shoulders and spun me around. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see. 

I gasped and marveled at the view from where we were standing. The world looked small from up here. Smoke was pouring out of the chimneys from the houses below. There were children from different houses gathering together in the middle of an empty street, making snow angels and throwing snowballs at each other. The striking neon lights from the distant city was visible too. 

"This is one of the many places my dad brought me before and also one of the few places that I still remember how it looks like."

"Its wonderful, Yixing. But why'd you bring me here?"

It took him a while to reply, "You'll see."

He set down the basket from earlier and took the contents out. He handed a neatly folded baby blue and white checkered cloth to me and helped me set it out on the ground, before arranging the roasted marshmallows and hot chocolate in a thermos on it.

"This-" he raised the cup he had poured the hot chocolate in, "might not be as good as the one we had at the field last year because I, Zhang Yixing, is not good at making this." He sat down and stretched his legs out.

"Its an instant hot chocolate right, how could you possibly fail at that?" I asked as I took a seat beside him.

"I didn't say fail", he frowned. "I said not as good."

"Whatever you say, unicorn."

 We enjoyed each other's company in silence on the small blanket that was enough for just the two of us. The only sound between us were the sipping from our cups and our breaths.. Yixing resorted to drawing weird symbols in the air with his finger. I didn't question the quietness because we are usually like this. We'd sit with each other in silence and not talk at all for hours, content enough with being by each other's side. Yixing's mid-air drawings stopped when my phone started beeping with messages.

"Who's that?" he asked.

"Nah, its just Chanyeol telling me, Baek peed in his pants in the haunted house in caps lock. And real funny typos. He's probably laughing so much he can't even type properly."

"Baek did what now?"

We laughed and made a pact to use that against him when classes start again next week. An angry chihuahua Baekhyun was to die for and seeing Chanyeol go to all sorts of extent to calm his angry bestfriend (boyfriend, I'm sure of it, I just know it) was adorable as heck.

"Oh, have you read that book I gave you? I was just wondering, you know..", I trailed off and rolled to my side to face him.

I liked to read a lot and it turns out Yixing does to but choices were limited for him because they don't really sell novels in braille at our local store. So I would search high and low for them so he could read my favourite books as well.

"That John Green book?"

"Yup."

"What were you wondering about?" He too his side and faced me.

 I let out a deep breath and moved closer. "About infinities and how it wasn't fair for them. How it wasn't fair for anyone."

"You can't avoid death, Sarah. happens. Planned or unplanned.", he wrapped an arm around my waist. At times like this, I felt guilty for being grateful Yixing couldn't see me blushing. I should be used to this by now but I can't.

"You won't leave me right? Like we'll grow old and have grey strands of hair together. Drink coffee at an old folks' home and dance to jazz everyday. Watch our kids play with each other and maybe one day my kid might marry yours. We may never know but I can't picture a world without you in it."

Yixing smiled at this.

"Don't smile. I'm being serious here." Yixing smiled even wider. He sat up and breathed out long before looking at my direction again. "What time is it on my watch?"

"You didn't answer my question.", I deadpanned.

Yixing chuckled and ruffled my hair, "It'll be answered, I promise. What time is it?" I sighed and peered over to look at his watch. "11.59."

"Seconds?"

"Why?"

"Just because. Hurry."

I looked at it again. I waited until the longer hand reached the number eight before replying, "20 seconds to 12" 

I realised what he was trying to do when I saw him tapping the remaining seconds before the last 10 on the blanket. "Ah, you're stealing the move I did when we first met"

"10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,"

I joined him at the last count,

"1"  "1" 

Yixing looked at the sky and smiles really wide, dimples more obvious than it had ever been, his eyes disappearing into thin lines. "You're not gonna want to miss it, Sarah."

I was going to ask what when the fireworks bloomed over the small town. I stood up and stared in awe as the sky turned brighter, as the sound filled my eardrums. Purple, red, yellow, pink. All the colours. The fireworks looked like swirls of rainbows and sending so much colour into the sky as if someone had taken a paint bucket and splashed it on a canvas. Like how rainbows accompany the sun, the fireworks accompanied the stars.

I didn't know my eyes were filled with unshed tears until I felt a pair of warm arms hug me from behind. "The answer to your question is yes, I won't leave you. We will grow old together and watch our kids play but they'll be our kids-"

My heart skipped, "Yixing-"

"No, wait, listen, its only if you want to, of course but I would never think of a future without you in it. I-I can't see all this. I'll never be able to, Sar. If its not too much for you, c-can you... can you please be my eyes?"

I turned around and hugged him back. My body was betraying me. The cold tears I tried to hold in fell effortlessly and I could feel his heavy breathing and fast-paced heartbeat. I raised my arms and locked it around his neck and placed my lips on his firmly. I felt his eyelashes flutter rapidly against my face in shock but after a while I could feel him smiling into the kiss. "Of course, Yixing pabo. I'll be your eyes whenever you want me to."

 "Happy New Year, Sarah Jane. I love you."

"Happy New Year, Zhang Yixing. I love you too."

 

Like he said, deaths can't be avoided.

He left me. Zhang Yixing left me. 

We would not grow old and have grey strands of hair together. We would not drink coffee in an old folks' home and dance to jazz everyday. We would not watch our kids play with each other. He was only 23 when he died. Like how I used to remember my parents' deaths so clearly, his was worse. I remember how his breathing slowed. I remember how he begged for the pain to stop when the cancer cells attacked his helpless body. I remember how Yixing took more comfort in painkillers than he did in me. I remember how much he struggled to say I love you through the oxygen mask. I remember how the pillow was drenched in his sweat and tears. I remember how white he looked when his life had been out of him. I definitely remember how his hand went limp in my own as he smiled his way to death, pulling off the mask with all he has left just to tell me its going to be okay.

It isn't okay, Yixing-ah. 

I miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss the way you'd pop out at my bedroom door with my mum right behind you holding a tray of drinks and snacks. I miss how you'd hit Chanyeol and Baekhyun with your walking stick when they start pulling off dirty jokes. I miss how you would have me sit beside you to help write down the songs you make in classes. I miss everything, Yixing-ah. How am I going to be fine without you? Tell me because I'm clearly not fine. 

I clutched the blade in my hand tighter as I brought it against my skin. Drawing the lines thin at first then deeper when too much clouded my thoughts. The pain seemed to flow out of me along with the stream of blood. Painful memories were forgotten when the physical pain took over my mind.

 I heard the door open and a loud crash came with it after. I saw my foster mum stepping over the tray she dropped, rushing to me and ripped the blood-soiled knife away from my hand. "Sarah, you promised me! You promised him!"

"I know I promised him but he isn't here anymore is he?!", I stood up and threw everything off my desk crashing to the floor, including the photo frame of both Yixing and I at last year's festival.

"Do you honestly think this is what Yixing wants for you...?", she asked as she picked the photograph up from the pile of shards on the ground. I can picture my mum starting to give up. She's going to leave me all by myself. She's going to let me destroy myself again and 'll have to go through this alone.

But I was wrong.

"Don't do this. For his sake, for Yixing's sake." With that she placed the knife and the photograph on top of my desk and left.

I looked at the photo. We were so happy. Free from all stress, enjoying the moment as a new year unraveled, together with new goals and wants. We were both on a break from studying for the SATs and that moment made us forget about the exams. We cheered with the crowd and jumped around when the clock hit 12. The memory stung, like alcohol poured over a bleeding wound. I wanted to cut it away but chose to crawl under the heavy quilts after locking the door, feeling the exhaustion taking its toll on my body.

That night was the first night I dreamt of Yixing ever since he died. It was the first time in so many days I saw his smile again.

"You know I think you're wrong. Fireworks aren't like rainbows. They are beautiful but they are also destructive and explosive at the same time. They light up the sky and then they vanish into a whirl of smoke. Their bright colours are momentary, they fill your life with a variety of colours then they disappear without a trace, leaving the night sky empty once more. You used to say I am the fireworks in your bland life but I don't want to be your fireworks. I wanted to be your Sun. I wanted to be the light to your life and continue burning even at night but now I can't deny I really am your fireworks. I gave you colours and I left. Sarah-ah, you can't keep holding onto something thats already gone, alright? Your life means more than just me. Live it even if it doesn't include me in it. Find your Sun. I love you, Sarah. I'm sorry and... Happy New Year."

 

I woke up and screamed. It wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair. I threw all the stuffed toys Yixing had bought or won for me to the floor and buried my face into the pillow, crying out everything I have kept bottled in for so long. He was right. I had to move on. He won't be with me anymore and I can't keep holding onto the times that won't come back. I ignored the banging on my door and my parents' worried voices. The beep from my phone was the only thing that made me remove the pillow from my face. Its probably time already. 

 

12 AM, JANUARY 1, 2015

Message from Baekhyun.

 

My fingers pressed against the screen of my phone to check on his message as the painful sound filled my small room. The sky that was piled with bland clouds became so bright and colourful. Loud cheers can be heard even from the bed. I smiled painfully when I saw Baek's message. It was a video of him and Chanyeol. Without second thoughts, I pressed play and increased the volume to the max in hope my friends' loud voices would drown the sound of the fireworks outside.

"Aye, Sarah noona!!!! Happy New Year!!!! It'd be wonderful if Yixing hyung was-"

I felt the stinging stab but laughed when Chanyeol glared at the shorter one and clamped a hand over his mouth. He yelped when the other bit his hand. "Ouch! What are you a dog?!"

"Tsk, I'm a dog because you asked for it. Anyway, noona, I'm not sorry for bringing hyung into this-"

"Yah!"

"Shut up, Yeol! Noona.. please come back to us alright? I miss Yixing hyung so much and if we lose you too, that wouldn't help me at all now would it? Please let us help you too. Okay? Okaaaaaayy, thats all. Have a great day and if you ever feel like meeting us later today, just know I'll be beating Chanyeol's at Mario Kart in my house! Bye!"

The video ended with Baekhyun locking the taller boy in a head lock. I sighed and laid back down after putting my phone on the desk again. "Alright."

As soon as the sun shone in the sky, my two feet brought me to the graveyard after one whole month of avoiding it. The sound of the pigeons chirping echoed throughout the whole graveyard, they sounded a little bit too cheerful in contrast to the dull place. The snow clung to my skin sending shivers up my spine from the coldness. I brought my gloved hand up to fix the scarf around my neck. I was so close to backing out but remembering Baekhyun's words from earlier, I forced myself to move forward step by step until I came to a stop in front of a familiar-looking grave. My grip on the bouquet of pink carnations and yellow acacias tightened. I shakily set the flowers down and traced over the words on the stone.

 

Zhang Yixing

1991-2014

 

"In the end , I was forced to be in a picture of a world where there's no you. You're right, Yixing, you were my fireworks. Which is why I truly loved you. I still do. I'll always do. Happy New Year."