I can't believe it's been 5 years since I have spoken to you, Sehun. It frightens me that I can no longer reach out to you when we used to talk about everything. I feel like I don't know you anymore. 

I can't figure out where along the way we drifted apart. One day, your replies became short. Then you didn't reply at all. Eventually, I felt that I'm only a bother. I stopped talking to you, not because I don't like you anymore, but because I thought I was annoying you.

You realize how much you miss someone when the only person you want to be with isn't there. He's the first person that comes your mind when you wish to go somewhere. Then it agonizes you when you have no choice but to accept the reality that being together is close to impossible.

I hate those moments when you're lying in bed,  right before you go to sleep, then you think about the things you tried so hard to forget. It makes it hard to fall asleep even if you're tired physically and emotionally. I've read somewhere that if you can't fall asleep, that's because someone's thinking of you. I hope to share the suffering. There are times though when I just cry myself to sleep.

I thought sleeping would make me forget about you even for a while but it seems that you invade my mind even when I'm asleep. They say if someone appears in your dreams it's because that person misses you. I doubt it's true.

There's this dream that I saw you so I straightaway hugged you. I realized it was too good to be true, this could probably be a dream, so I pushed you away. When I "woke up," I found myself lying in bed but not fully conscious. It took gruelling effort and calling for help to finally come to reality. It became a nightmare.

I've been thinking, was there ever a time you remembered me? I can't help but think that it's unfair that I'm the only one in anguish. Because your memories are like sparks that ignite into wildfires until it burns and it terribly hurts. After all these time, I'm waiting for you to say you miss me too.

At this point, I can only trust fate. I can't believe I'm still clinging onto the smallest chance that I could see you. Whenever I pass by the area where you live, I find myself looking for you.

Sehun, I saw you walking by the sidewalk. It was all too sudden, I didn't know what to do. All practiced speech, gone. I simply stared from where I was seated inside the bus, looking at you from afar, once again regretting not taking the rare opportunity to talk to, or even see, you. The worst part is I can't stop myself from thinking what could have happened if I mustered up the courage to run to you.

Here I am walking the same route home. All of a sudden I thought of you, Luhan. I wonder where you are at this moment.

“I opened my mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had. But I didn't.”

- Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

Author's note: