She hated the winter winds.

For one, they were gloomy with long, unproductive days and short, yearnful nights. Then there was her crappy immune system making her unintentionally catch a cold from being exposed to the winds for more than an hour.

That is just what was happening now. She was stuck in a bicycle traffic in the damp mornings of Seoul, pale clouds looming above her and brightly colored bicycles too striking for the eye surrounding her. She scrunched her nose, hands gripping the steering harder than she intended, trying to block the oncoming series of coughs from fleeing . But of course her attempts fail her, and she violently indulges herself into a series of violent coughs, hands cupping and eyes shutting tight with tears welling at the corner of her eyes. When the coughing stopped, she was completely out of breath. The bikes did not budge, and she felt pairs of eyes on her, pitiful glances amongst soft, worried eyes. Lina sighed.

She hated Monday mornings and bicycle jams.

When the traffic ceased and the signal turned green, it was too late to catch her first class on time and too late to make a proper greeting to the boy she cherished. All of her reserved courage and hope went crashing down.

The blatant outrage of her professor and the snide snickers of her fellow classmates did not bother her when she burst into the classroom and locked eyes with the boy sitting far back. He was still wearing his headphones and his arms were crossed. He gave her a look of bewilderment and looked away. A grin ranging between ecstacy and affection threatened to grow on her lips. The snide comments, whispering, and shouts from her teacher and classmates muted as she tried to keep her composure on bay. As she slipped into her seat with a stupid smile etching her face, the notice of her detention after class with her horrible PE teacher was ignored. Instead, she buried her head onto her books, smile growing wider, thoughts jumping, and heart pumping. The only thing that occupied her mind was how dashing and cute Kai looked when he was flustered.

It would be an underestimate to say Lina had a crush on the Kai boy.

In fact, Lina was smitten. Completely and hoplessly smitten for the school's ice hockey team's captain and laid back rebel.

Four years - if one asks her how she lived with a heart too heavy with love, Lina wouldn't know. In fact she would toss the question away and answer with a lighthearted "I can manage" or "this is nothing." She only knows that four years is long enough to learn that the mysterious boy who sat at the back of her physics, chemistry, and biology class is Kim Jongin, or Kai as everyone calls him. Four years is long enough to know that her constant curiosity about the boy can be classified as a slight crush. She often catches herself staring at his direction, eyes wandering off only to fall onto his tall figure leaning against his locker, scrolling through his phone during rush hour. Sometimes the staring became so obvious, her friends teased and told her to stop because she looked creepy. Lina would shrug it off and pretend all of the palpating heartbeats are equally as natural as the rising blush on her cheeks. Four years is long enough to know that in fact she is wrong, that she has been wrong for quite a long time. Four years was exactly the right amount of time to know that Im Lina was in love. Four years and Lina knows she doesn't have to depend on her friends' incessant nagging that she's in love with that boy, and she can be free with herself and her thoughts now, albeit it doesn't help her remain any calmer. Lina loses most of her baby fat in the four years; her skirt hikes up higher than it was a couple of years ago, and she couldn't help but feel confident about her long, tan legs every now and then.

She also realizes that four years is enough to know that Kai is not interested in her, and it is time to make herself forget the love she harbors and find her own happiness amongst the infinite number of possibilities.

Kai came into her life like steady drips of water falling onto a small lake, sending ripples down the once calm water. A new student in her freshman year, Lina learns that the boy was a tranfer student who recently arrived from Hokkaido, Japan. He tried out for the ice hockey and immediately got in. He was a laid back boy who bought no nonsense and possesed a sharp, witty tongue. In two weeks, rumors of the new kid talking back to the teachers spread all over school. Lina remebers herself wondering how he did it--the arguements. She would always notice him as the quiet, reserved, no-nonesense seeking boy who sat at the back of the class.

It's her last year in high school, and exams are held in spring. Lina knows she has less than two seasons of time left to spend with her friends and Kai. After the exams will come graduation. Everyone will be busy with completing assignments that are due and fretting over their college resumes and applications. They are wrestling against time, trying to succeed before the exams catch up with their sleeping schedules. Lina knows she has to complete her unfinished college application and spend more time pouring her nose over her books and assignments. The rational part of her brain tells her to stop moping around and get over Kai. The emotional part of her brain tells her to march up to Kai and scream at his face for ignoring all the hints she dropped over the course of four years. Everyone around them knew, for Lina did not try to hide the fact she was in love. Four years and Lina is still unsure if Kai knows that she loves him. If he did, he did not show. Lina still tried to make conversations that were longer than three minutes. She still woke the night and watched online tutorials on how to make cute bento lunch boxes for him. She still tried. She always tried. She was the only one trying. Kai will accept all of her heartfelt attempts with a small smile. When Lina would return back to her lunch table, he would give the lunch boxes to his group of friends. He thinks she never notices. Lina always did and tried to abolish the swell of dread overtaking her heart. At least he accepts her, she thinks. At least she smiles at her. But disappointment overpowers the good. He never tasted the egg rolls she made with precision and hours of practice. He never bothered to tell her something more than a thank you. He never bothered to return the look of affection she wears or acknowledge her presense when she was in class. Pretty soon, Lina was running out of 'at leasts.'

Then the world turns against her as the flow of homework assignments increased, the teachers turning the heat of pressure. She can barely make herself ramen; she can barely look up from her textbook without fearing the dreaded exams. She throws herself into the world of fighting for a seat in the library, whipping her head out of the books due to sudden nose bleeds, and staying up late nights with the help of strong, black coffee. Her life turns bleak and cold as the outside world. Lina stops making Kai lunch. He doesn't seem to notice, but often times she would catch his friends who share lunch tables with him cast her a puppy look. They would remind her of smiles that don't reach the eye and cast away bento boxes, and she would look away, wincing.

For a moment, Lina considers stopping. She knows well enough that Kai is not interested, he has nothing to do with her. Over the span of four years, they're relationship never bloomed more than the acquaintance level. But then she remembers she wanted this more than anything in the span for the seventeen years of her existence. Lina wanted to be selfish for once, and she wondered what was so wrong chasing after the person you love. Time is running low and an all too familiar ache blooms her chest. She can do nothing about it. If she stops now, she will get trampled by the fast current, and the hopes for attending a prestegious university will fade into the murky grayness of the sky.

Lina is weighing out her options. She loathes the outcomes.

***

"You know he still does not care about you. Why does this even matter anymore?"

Lina tried not to frown deeply. She has been catching up with the chemistry notes of the day until Amber decided to grab her wrist and drag her to a corner of the library. She blinks at her, pretending to act clueless when she knew what Amber was talking about, "What matters?"

Amber scoffed and let go of her wrist. Instead, she crossed her arms across her chest. "Oh please, you know what I'm talking about."

Lina shrugged, "It matters because he's not a jerk, and he actually stands up to speak about this unfair school system Korea has."

"Lina, please..."

The warm heating of the library did nothing to thaw the coldness in her heart. The darkened expression goes noticed by the latter as Lina turns to look around the library. From the corner she can see students bent over books, glasses tipping on their noses and mugs of coffee placed beside the books. As she looks she wonders why, of all people, is she best friends with Amber, a tomboy who notices every detail and expression.

Amber continued, "Lina, you're spiralling out of control. As your best friend, I actually care and worry about you unlike him. Stop beating yourself up. It's time for you to let him go and focus only in the future, becasue let's be real here. After we graduate, Kai will be returning back to Hokkaido and you will be stuck here. There is no future for you with him; there are no happy endings to this love story. In less than a month, we'll be giving our exams and then we'll be out."

Lina glared at the floor. She couldn't speak, she couldn't stop thinking about him. The logical part of her brain agreed with Amber without a doubt. It is true; Kai will be returning back to Hokkaido where he was born and brought up while Lina will be staying here appyling for an architectural school. She hated the way how briefly Amber explained and how truthful and impactful it was. The turth is never pretty in the form of words, but Lina was the girl who believed in her heart more than logic.

But she was so sick of being like this.

It mattered because she wanted something more than just staring at him during lunch time and imaging how dates with him would be. She wanted to make her dreams come true. She wanted to hold his hands and run her fingers down his chocolate brown hair. She wanted to trace the features of his face with her fingertips and relish at the fact he is hers and hers only. She wanted to kiss his lips till she can't feel her own ones, and she wanted long nights of staying up late, phone pressed against her ears as they talked till they fell asleep. She wanted to skip lunch during weekdays so she could save up for a date on the weekend. She wanted to go to his ice hockey games wearing matching jerseys. She wanted to wear those silly couples t-shirt and lock hearts with him up at Namsan Tower. It mattered becasue she wanted to be the sourse of his smiles and laughs. She wanted to be the constant in his life.

It mattered because he needed a person to tell him that he was a beautiful human being.

When Lina didn't speak, Amber sighed and her shoulders sagged in defeat, "Lina, please... Just let this go, okay? For me?"

She tensed when the words escaped the latters lips. Every cell in her body wanted to protest, but she was nearing her patience. She waited so long, so long. Lina waited four long, heartbreaking years and now she is desperate. As the winter will end, spring will arrive thus indicating the start of examinations. Then she will lose all of her chances to talk to him.

It's all coming back in a suge of wave; because Kim Kai is never simply Kim Kai.

Kim Kai was the epitome of young arrogance, sharp mouth, and unwavering gazes, and love.

A lump grew in ; her eyes glazed and burned. Lina's lips quivered, "I-I'll talk to him. Just give me one last chance."

Amber stops to cast another long gaze at her best friend. Lina was beautiful. She has perfect assets, voluminous hair, and smart wit. Years of obvservation and contemplation still leaves her in awe; because how can anyone not like the Im Lina? She wanted to smack some sense into the dense Kai's head for breaking her best friend's heart just like that. Amber knew how it felt. A love left untouched was more painful than a love that was given a chance. And what Lina deserved was a chance.

Amber sighed and gave up, "Fine, but after this promise you will think only about yourself."

Lina wanted to laugh becasue only if Amber knew. She was the selfishest out there. Selfish to the point of not letting go. 

***

Lina started hating the spring of a new year although the season itself had nothing to do to stir up the discension within her.

It was the events that came with spring was what made her loathe the lush season.

Long hours of being locked up in a single suffocating classroom, writing and finishing pages after pages of exam papers. Stiffled yawns, pen scratching over paper, and chairs occasionally being dragged across the white-tiled floors are what makes up her typical weekdays. Weekends are filled with round trips to the grocery store, library, and home. She studies three fourths of the day. When she does not study, she catches up with sleep. Thoughts of Kai still linger in her mind. There is a growing empty hole inside her heart now, and her mind screams at her to stop hurting herself in this way because there's only so much a heart can take.

Lina is dying a little each day as the season passes.

She is drowning in self-loathing and self-reproach. Her mother chides she should whip out better grades in pure maths if she wants to join the architecture school Lina has her eyes upon. Her eyes would burn with a glaze of held-back tears, her lips bitten to the point of tasting her own blood. Lina does not want to snap. Her mother wishes for her best, but what Lina couldn't tell her was that she is trying her best. So hard, so much she feels numb by scanning her eyes on hundreds of books. She was already the second best in her class, and she is still trying. She sacrificed all the outings and parties Amber invited her to--all the light-hearted trips to Yueido Park, the mass outings and lunch dates of Korean barbeque and karaoke in Hongdae, and the colorful nights drizzled with bagged fruit juice and fancy crepes in Itaewon. She let herself replace her morning excersice routine with reviewing for the exams instead. Lina stopped lurking around social media, Lina isolated herself from the outside world just to study. Yet, her parents will never know about the sickly burn inflating inside her chest. They will never know her held back words, her cries of desperation, and the countless tears she shed by herself.

They will never know Lina is forcing herself to quit thinking about Kai.

Lina feels hollower as each exam dates pass. When she does not have a day of examinations, her homeroom teacher fills it with homeworks and extra-credit assignments. Lina jumps at these chances; becasue she basically lives for these now. She has no life outside the books and the mere thought of it makes her take the self-reproach to another level.

Lina wishes with all her might that the natural means of life would entwince hers with Kai--even if it's for a day. She is trying. So hard not to fall for him over and over again when he walkes beside her aisle to take his seat, in the lunchroom line when he is in front of her.

Then Lina notices that she spent the four years looking at his back more often than the soft, rounded features of his face.

And then the certain day came. Like all second chances in the world, it was unpredictable with a sprinkle of good-natured surpirse. It is the second to last week of the exams, and Lina is done playing nice with all of her classmates' whining, mumbling, and the incessant complains of their bleak life. The world outside is quiet, the bright sun dangling on top of her head, with steady breezes of winds blowing and wisps of clouds covering the vast expanse of the sky. The winds are a lot less harsher, but it was enough it send small shivers down her spine. Lina was alone by herself on top the the rooftop, overlooking the vast, empty school ground, gaze fixing on something that doesn't reach the eye. Her thoughts stilled, and she closes her eyes to make herself get lost with the wind. To lose herself for a little moment.

Lina knows there is no stopping after this. She wonders why she feels like her world is breaking when it hasn't even started yet. It is too late, too late to do so many things she has yearned to do. A stinging ache invades her chest. Here goes the bruised youth and young blood: hours of being locked up in a room with books as company, wishing the nights be longer so that she could get a few extra hours of sleep, praying that Kai would wake up with a change of heart. She wonders what she would live for now, what would keep her awake at night, and what kind of places will destiny lead her to. And she prays for her paths to cross that certain boy who stole her heart with a vengeance.

Then she hears a shuffle of feet, smoothing of shirt, and she opens her eyes. The stinging tears suddenly fades into nothingness, her aching chest heaves up and down at this sight. Her miracle came finally, so late but Lina couldn't help but fall into a puddle of goo at the sight. Kai stands, leaning on the railings, staring far away as the view allowed him to.

It is spring, and Lina is greeted by Kai's broad back.

"Hey Lina."

She doesn't know anymore. She has no clue. She thought she was prepared to let him go.

Now Lina is unsure. Lina is confused. So confused because she loves the way her name fell off his lips. She loves the way Kai turned around to face her; she loves the way how they were alone.

Still Lina played cool, "Hello Kai." They don't know each other, and in five minutes Kai will forget the small closed-lip smile and the endearing eyes of a girl he is not ready to care about yet.

Kai has eyes as empty as a skull's. It holds no mailce or discernment. It was just him staring at her with zero emotions. The range of human emotions seems lost in his features as he breathes through his mouth, sending puffs of condensed air out.

Lina doesn't notice she is staring until Kai reminds her, "You're staring." She looks everywhere but him, a rising blush invading her cheeks. Kai chuckles and takes a seat beside her, and it takes Lina all her might not to squeal. They sit together, basking in a comfortable silence. Lina is more aware of her surrpundings now. She wonders why the bleak roof top is painted with a vibrance she could not put a finger on. 

After she was done thanking fate for this pleasant surprise, she decides to put the situation to good use. "So, you're going back to Hokkaido this spring?"

Kai humms, "Right after graduation. It's a pity I won't be able to see the cherry blossoms  this year."

"You can always watch the cherry blossoms bloom here." Lina does not know why she felt slightly offended.

Kai chuckled, "I can, but it's not the same." Lina does not ask why it is different. Silence ensues again and this time Lina is unsure of what to ask. It was funny how she had so much to say to him, so much. But now that she had the chance, Lina doubted herself.

This time Kai speaks, "Lina?"

Lina whips her head to reach his eyes. Kai seemed to hesitate before shrugging and asking anyways, "What do you plan on doing after we all graduate?"

She wonders what was so troublesome to ask a simple question. She shrugged, "I plan to major on Architecture in Yonsei, and then get my masters degree probably overseas."

Kai sighed and Lina takes her time to appreciate his features closely. Kai looked so much more endearing, the rebellious aura did nothing to waver her affection. His young boyish features, the soft brown hair, and the tanned skin she yearned to touch. Kai looked ethereal.

"You're lucky." Kai's shoulders sagged as he tunred to meet Lina's compelling gaze.

"How am I lucky?"

"You know what you want to do with your life. That much be nice." Puffs of dense air escapes his lips and Lina wishes to kiss him so much. Kai still holds his gaze.

"I haven't really thought about much. I just liked building things and architecture seemed like a really good idea. What do you plan on doing?"

Kai clicked his tongue and leaned back, now staring ahead with his arms crossed, "I don't know. As of now I plan on taking regular classes in Hokkaido University with my ice hockey scholarship until I know what to do." A lump grows on as she listens. It just makes everything more real. Kai would be leaving while Lina will stay here, trying to recall the beautiful features of this Kai boy. Lina does not know what to say. She doesn't know anymore. Kai hated the school system. It was a known fact; his beliefs circulated the school like wild fire for he was the only one to express his mind. He said the society grew puppets who cowered under a leader's rule, not liberal human beings. The school shaped a student's worldview; they imposed rules and teachings in contrary to the students'  beliefs. Lina's head always hurt when she listened to the exaggerated rumors. She could not help but feel remorse and guilt eating her, because where was the lie? Lina was a mere puppet in the school. She tried to mix with the school and follow pointless fashion trends just to fit in. Never once she dared to stand up and defend poor students who got bullied. Never once she voiced out her thoughts when teachers locked the students up in classrooms till ten o'clock at night.

Never once she raised her voice at her commanding mother.

As surely as Kai will waste his education and do everything in his power to avoid the system, people like Lina thrived in it. it's fine because no one expects one another to change. They moved in different circles, came from completely different backgrounds.

This time Lina does nothing to kill the silence. Kai still sat beside her, staring at space while Lina tortured herself by self-reproach. Except when it is time to leave and the lunch bell rings all over the school. Lina, flustered and dazed, stands up to dust her skirt and cast one look at the boy who still sat, gazing at her with indifference. He does not expect anything and she knows. Lina, heart too heavy with unreqruited love, nods. "Good luck, Kai."

She leaves him for the first time and most likely the last time, because Kim Kai was never simply Kim Kai.

Kim Kai is the epitome of young arrogance, sharp mouth, unwavering gazes, fierce love, and lost hope.

Kim Kai--the boy Lina loved, no loves with all her heart. Kim Kai, one of the rarest, most beautiful beings. Kim Kai, fighting his way through obstacles Lina deems as everyday objects. Lina knows that she will remember him. She will remember the flawless person Kim Kai was, and she will never regret loving him. Because by loving him, she grew. Lina learned to pave new roads when she approached a dead end. She learned to adjust her paper sails and look in another direction with a deeper resolute. Kai would never know; Lina always picked up the seams to his beliefs. She loves him, respects him, wishes him all the best.

I'll miss you. Lina never got to voice her feelings, and she now knew why.

I love you. Kai had work to do. His battle to find his ground hasn't ended yet. He was destined for something greater.

Goodbye. And again without fail, Lina promises herself this would be the last time she will learn to love herself for who she truly was.