“Tonight our guest is Nam Taehyun, famous model and fashion designer” starts the presenter.

She’s no longer young, but sure experienced. Maybe this show is a hit because she can genuinely relate to all those experiences. They’re sitting in a small studio with limited access from the public, creating a cozy atmosphere that allows one to open up more than when in other circumstances. Taehyun takes a sip from the cup of water they gave him. It’s going to be a long interview. After many years, he’s finally going to face all those memories.

Love.

What is it?

 

“So many people are curious about the story of your first love. Most of our guests start from the moment they met their crush, what makes them fall for the other person, but you are going straight to the moment of the heart break.”

How can we really talk about love without experiencing pain. You only know how much someone means to you when you see what they would do for you.

 

I'm speaking calmly, but my heart is racing fast.

And what did I do? I asked myself for hundreth time.

 

 

---

 

 

It was already evening of another summer day. The scenery was nothing special. We were standing near the fountain in the only park of the neighborhood. Mino in a black tank top and dark jeans, me in my white shirt and creamy shorts. Black and white. Always opposite. Always together, till this day.

 

“Don’t do this to me” Mino whispers causing me to feel shivers all over my body. I already hate this. I hate hearing his begging tone.

“You know it’s better this way.” I try to sound convincing, but my confidence is melting like a snowflake on the palm of a warm hand. It was surprising to be chosen as a trainee to one of the most influential companies in the fashion industry. It was a big chance, but also a big change.

“No, please…” He pleads with tears flowing on his chicks. His big dark eyes are scared and hurt.

 

I’m so sorry, Mino, I need to do this. Not only for me, but for us.

 

“Remember we promised to reach the stars together.” I stated softly while wiping his tears away.

Why is it that suddenly all those dreams we were sharing are now turning into sharp knives in my heart? Why is it so hard for fate to give me something without taking away all the things I treasure the most?

We had it all so simple. I wanted to become the most recognizable face in Korea and he wanted to become the best rapper in the world. However, as I got my chance, he was rejected once again. Like those other times, over and over again by all companies. Now everything had became a burden.

“But…” Mino stubbornly tries again. He doesn’t want to let go of my hand and it’s getting harder for me to let go as well.

“Mino, don’t make me a bad guy…”

Just please push me away. Please.

 

“It’s just… I will miss you.” Mino stares at me helplessly like an abandoned child. Well, I am abandoning him, his warm bed and our childhood days. My hand catches nothing but emptiness and cold as he eventually he lets go of it.

“Me too.” I whisper kissing his lips gently. Why, it feels like thorns are surrounding our lips. Love thorns slowly piercing our innocent hearts. Will we be able to put them out and come back to this sweet nights we shared in the past?

 

“We’re going to meet each other at the top, right?” Mino’s warm breathe covers my cheek.

“Yes. It’s just that for now, I’m going a little faster.” I press our foreheads together cupping his face with my hands. We stay like this for a few heavy seconds, our eyes closed and our hearts broken.

“I will catch up. Believe in me Taehyun. I will catch up in no time and we will stand on the top, together.” Mino breaks the moment stepping away from me. I can see determination in his eyes. He is burning, after all this is how Mino is. He is crying for a moment, but he is changing this sadness into strength. And he never says goodbye. That’s what we both have in common.

 

“Good boy.” I smile warmly through my tears.

“Run and don’t look back. Run fast, Taehyun, and grab all the stars you wish for.” Mino encourages me. As always, he’s the one pushing me up when I’ve done nothing but hold him down time and time again.

“Better not take too long for you to catch up to me.” I try to lighten the mood, but it turns out even more depressing since we both don’t know if he ever will get the chance to go up with his music.

“It’s a promise. I won’t ever give up.” I can’t help but laugh at his fighting pose. He is so childish sometimes.

 

“It is. Let’s meet again in this place, when we reach our dreams.”

Here, in this park between the roses, where we had our first kiss, when we were still innocent and didn’t know how much love can hurt. Let’s meet again with smiles on our faces.

 

“Yes.” Mino nods slowly. His arms are lower than ever, his cheeks wet and eyes to the ground. It’s time.

I turn around to leave, but my heart doesn’t want to move even an inch from Mino.

“Taehyun…” I heard him calling out. I turn around slowly trying to prepare myself for what was coming.

 

“You’re the one I love the most...” Mino confesses with a warm smile. The tears are still visible on his cheeks.

“Don’t ever forget it.”

 

I’m nodding while swallowing the lump in my throat back. As I’m walking away from him, I’m trying my best to memorize that look on his face. The look of love and that sweet smile he gave to me. Yes, we will meet again.

Mino, now I’m starting to walk on my own. I’m taking the first step.  I can only hope that one day we will walk to this park again with our heads high and smiles bright. Only when I see a glimpse of your face will I run into your arms and your sweet embrace. I won’t hesitate and we will be together for the rest of our lives.

So this once, only this time I’m thankful you are letting me go even though I’m the one puncturing your heart with thorns of love.

 

 

---

 

 

That day, the 16th of July, I left Mino behind in our hometown. Back then, I truly believed everything could stay the same. Pain can make us stronger. We can find each other when the time comes. No, rather we can make it together, without breaking apart.

If you ask me whether I would do it again, to go through leaving Mino in order to pursue modeling, I would say yes, I must. Back then, modeling was my everything. It was my only option for a better future, so obviously I took it when given the chance.

 

Was a future with Mino not enough?

It wasn’t Mino that was lacking, it was me. I felt insecure and worthless. I had an appetite for world, for catching the glamour of life. I wanted so badly to run away from the poverty of our daily lives, our daily struggles, and the dirty reality we were living in. He knew about this, and I believe he understood it more than anyone else because he was hungry as well. He too wanted to become famous, to be successful, to leave it all behind.

 

That summer you came to Seoul. Was it hard to adjust to a new life?

It wasn’t an easy task. There were so many other young trainees pursuing modeling like me. It was a really stressful time. I had no money, no place stay. I was sleeping on the floor of the training room. I was just grabbing any chance I was given. Some of the choices… I regret them in a way, but every experience made me who I am today, so…

 

You wouldn’t change a thing?

Yeah, from my perspective, I wouldn’t change a thing.

 

Is it really true? Is it true?

 

But what about Mino?

We were trying to stay in touch, but obviously with my busy schedules and our lack of money, it was really difficult. I couldn’t afford to travel home, and phone calls were limited as well. His sister had some serious health problems, ones that I got to know about months after.

 

I pause for a moment. It still pains me. It hurts how many things I missed. We missed.

 

We tried so badly to not make each other worry that we became very distant. We were talking less and less, and suddenly I found it hard to dial his number.

 

It took you two years to hit big.

During that time, I remember being so happy after my first big fashion show. I spoke to my friends and family, but I felt I was missing something really important.

 

Did you call him?

Yeah, after midnight. It was the first warning that I completely ignored.

 

 

---

 

 

“Hello?”

After few rings, I finally heard familiar deep, sleepy voice.

“You’re already in bed? My good boy.” I laughed a little imagining him scratching his neck and yawing in his cute way.

“Taehyun? Why are you calling this late?”

 

I sat on the floor of my small room, tangled in his too-big shirt I took with me two years ago. It still smelled like him, felt like him. It made me feel like I was home.

 

“I just ended my first fashion show. I walked during the first round.” My voice was so high pitched from excitement and the big smile I had could swallow the moon shining outside of my window.

“Oh, really?” Came the oblivious answer. Empty, like an echo.

“Aish, you must be still sleeping. Can you imagine, I opened the fashion show! I’m going to hit big this time.” I was still talking, ignoring the heartache. I was talking with Mino, my Mino. Finally we could share a good moment together.

“Well… Congratulations?” Came an almost ironic reply.

 

“Wait, Mino…what happened? Why are you like this? Aren’t you happy for me?” I could no longer ignore his tone of voice. I bit my lower lip, uncertain of what was coming next.

 

“Nothing happened. I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. At least you found the time to call me.”

Here it comes.

“You know I was busy. That’s not fair.”

“Well, even after I called you for a thousandth time, I got it eventually. But whatever, best news is that you’re happy.”

I didn’t need to see his face to know he was rolling his eyes.

 

I swallowed hard. Suddenly all the joy was disappearing, like it had never really been there in the first place.

“Hell, I am happy, and you’re just acting like an .” I snap at him, kicking the air with frustration.

“Yeah? Well what you were expecting?”

“For you to support me? I guess I wanted too much.”

 

I was on the verge of tears. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

 

“No, wait…” Mino changed his voice. It was now more soft, almost warm. “It’s just today was really not the best, and I am happy for you…really…” He stopped to take a deep breathe. I closed my eyes wanting to feel it on my neck, as we used to end all our quarrels in sweet embraces. “It’s just that I miss you…badly…”

 

I’m squeezing my phone as if it would make him feel my touch.

 

“I miss you too…” I’m wrapping my arms around my legs to be smaller. To feel less lost and lonely.

 

“Will you be home for Christmas?” He asks shyly, not certain of my answer.

“For sure.”

I need to see him. I know that without seeing him, I can’t survive. That was my only motivation during all those stressful days. To go home. To go to Mino.

 

“Promise?”

 

“Yes. I promise.”

 

We don’t need to see each others faces to catch the glimpse of smiles.

 

 

---

 

 

Wait, but Christmas was that big party for all of the magazines?

Yes, it was. For a moment I really believed I would choose differently. That I’d go and spend Christmas with him as I promised, but the pressure was too much. I was only a beginner and I had this amazing opportunity to fly higher. As much as I hated it, I chose my dreams. I wanted to be on the top so badly.

 

It was your main goal?

I thought childishly that if only I can reach the top of things, then I will have it all. At that time I had the thought that I can have it both – a career and love. I thought that everything could be healed.

 

 

---

 

 

“Hello, here’s your dirty Santa who will grant you all your wishes tonight if you jingle the right bell... ” His deep, playful voice welcomes me and I can feel hot waves running through my body.

“Mino…”

“I have a special gift for you. You won’t believe it and your sure won’t forget.” He purposely lowers his voice knowing it is my ultimate weakness.

“I’m sorry.”

I’m already regretting my decision.

 

Silence.

“I can’t make it tonight.” I try to explain.

 

More silence.

 

“It’s really important. It’s a big chance for me.” Now it sounds as if I did something wrong.

 

Deep sigh.

 

“It’s been six months since I last saw you.”

Finally came his answer. He sounds hurt and disappointed.

“I know, I miss you too, like crazy…”

“Still you won’t come.” I can hear his growing anger.

“I’m sorry.” I repeat.

What else can I say.

 

Another sigh.

 

I can hear my heart beating so fast. We are on the edge of things. I’m begging for him, with all my being, to not push me away, to not let go of me.

 

“You’re doing fine?”

 

And he never does. He is just accepting another painful thorn into his heart.

 

“Yes, I am.” I’m answering like a little kid I was still at heart.

“Taking good care of yourself?”

“You know me. And you?”

“Me too. Merry Christmas, love.”

“Merry Christmas, Mino. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

 

He hung up like this and I felt so many things were left unspoken about. The silence we grow around each other's was not helping at all.

 

 

---

 

 

After all, that Christmas party really opened up a lot of doors for you.

I met a lot of influential people that night. I got so many modeling offers, including departing to Japan. It was a dream-like contract of three years. I accepted it and without it, I would probably not be sitting here today.

 

But it wasn’t such a sweet deal?

I needed to work without breaks for three years. For three years I had to be out of Korea.

It was three years without seeing him.

 

 

---

 

 

“You aren’t going!”

Mino is throwing my suitcase away.

We are standing in his old room, which seems so small. Or maybe it was always like this and I just never noticed before.

 

“This is the chance I was dreaming of.” I’m crossing my arms and looking at him coldly.

 

“Hell, it’s three years. Three ING years!” He screams in my face.

 

“Don’t make it look like eternity.”

 

“Maybe it is!” He turns around and walks to his coat pulling out a packet of cigarettes. Not looking at me, he lights one. He knows I hate him smoking.

“Stop being so dramatic!”

“Well, it’s not like you will consider my opinion anyway.”

He annoys me with his fake laugh.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I’m narrowing my eyes. I’ve already had enough of this conversation.

 

“You’re always deciding everything on your own. Even now. You already made the decision. Why do you even bother to come here?”

He mirrors my pose.

“Because I care about you.”

I’m deciding to put down my own barricade. To open up to him. Maybe then he will understand that I don't want to loose him. I just need him to wait a little longer.

“Really? When? When was the last time you called me? When was the last time you really asked what is going on in my life?”

“Don’t be like this. Of course I want to know that!”

“Then why don’t you ask me? Why are you doing all those photoshoots?”

He throws a collection of my magazines from his wardrobe. It all flies in front of my eyes.

“It’s art.” I explain with cheeks burning from embarrassment.

“Why are you going to all those parties?”

“It’s my job.”

I’m clenching my fists.

“Flirting with all those models and actors too?”

He throws one last stone at me. He just knows too well where to hit me at my weakest.

“Of course. You know it means nothing. It’s just an act.”

“I don’t know, maybe you’re acting now too.”

I’m feeling so small under his endless accusations. I have been humiliated so many times in my life, so many times I was shouted at, but never by Mino.

Was it even still him? Was it us now?

 

“You’re a .” I retorted wiping away my tears, not wanting to give him the satisfaction. He is no longer the one I want to see me like this.

“At least I’m honest.”

He’s clearly taken aback by my tears.

“Oh yes, and what’s so honest about all of this?”

 

“It’s that I won’t ask you to stay, but just this time put yourself in my shoes and consider what I feel.”

He is not looking at me as I know he can’t stand my tears. Maybe because he is crying too.

 

“You knew from the start how it’s gonna be. The first day we met, I told you I want to be a model, I want to be the best one there is. Nothing has changed.”

I’m still staring on the floor, observing my tears forming small lakes between my feet.

“It all changed Taehyun. It all changed.” He said with breaking voice.

 

And somehow I can’t deny it at all.

 

 

---

 

 

We parted our ways like this. He didn’t show up at the airport and I haven’t call him either. During first year of the contract I was getting only glimpses of records about his career. He was one of the underground rappers breaking to the idol world. He was working hard, but climbing the ladder to success slowly. It was then that he wrote his first big hit, “Different” along with an idol vocalist from the group Winner. The song hit the roofs of major charts quickly, and stayed charting high for a few months. It was a big success and everyone was praising the collaboration between the two. But for me, it wasn’t just another song. It was a song about us. It scared me. I was scared to call him, even more so I was scared he wouldn’t answer. So I let the silence eat the leftovers of something we once held dearly.

 

Even if time passes, the distance between us won’t decrease

No matter how much you say you understand me.

I see you holding back your tears and smiling

I know

I can’t do anything about my heart

I know this is how you and I will be forever.

I just want to be next to you.

I’m selfish.

 

Mino’s partner in this song collaboration, what was your impression of him?

I didn’t have anything to say about him at that time. I didn’t know him personally. Frankly speaking, I didn’t care about him at all.

 

Weren’t you jealous of him?

Honestly, I was jealous he was able to spend more time with Mino, and to share his passion for music. I remember reading an article about their amazing stage chemistry. It was just a silly thing, but somehow I still remember it to this day. You see, as a person, Mino is really loyal, and persistent – which proves why he dealt with me for so long, even since back in a day. In contrary to his doubts, I never doubted him. I trusted him completely.

 

 

---

 

 

"Fans catching fire chemistry between Winner's Kang Seungyoon and newcomer rapper, Song Minho."

"Is there something more behind their official relationship."

"New wave is created. Feel Different with flawless duo Seungyoon and Mino"

 

[+2567, - 245] Aigoo. They look good together. Best performance of the year.

[+1890, - 200] I want to hear more from them. Their chemistry is no joke. Their voices compliments each other’s so well. Daebak.

[+1234, - 123] Oppa, don’t you dare to date. You’re forever ours.

[+849, - 38] Prepare for another dating scandal. Chemistry like this doesn’t come from nothing.

[+43, - 2] Minyoon awakening.

 

 

---

 

 

I should have known by then. I should have known that everything was changing.

 

 

 

---

---

 

End of part 1

More angst is comming next.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you very much for reading! Pls leave a comment - forever curious of your thoughts! 

I'm sorry this is so short - rly I tried my best!

I'm thinking of creating "Side notes" to analyze the characters more - somehow I feel like I didn't catch enough of complicate nature of their characters, their relationship and development *I'm still far away from being a good writer".

3/13/16 update by liakyujin: part 1 edited and revised