When they got home Baekhyun and Luhan put all their bags on Baekhyun’s bed while Minseok followed them around and asked questions about their trip. Baekhyun showed him the remote control car and Luhan asked him to sign the card to his parents.

Eventually he left to go make sure Jongin wasn’t going to burn down the house trying to cook dinner and Luhan and Baekhyun were alone.

“Where is it?” Baekhyun said, leaving his room.

“It’s here.” Luhan said, he went to Baekhyun's closet and moved over a pile of clothes and shoes and pulled out a small gift bag.

“You had it in my room for three years?”

“You never cleaned that part of your closet for three years?” Luhan shot back. Baekhyun tried to be mad but he couldn’t find it in himself. He grabbed the bag and looked inside, there was a small black box. He opened it eagerly and found a gold band inside. It looked old and traditional but it was simple and elegant. He almost started crying but he wasn’t sure why. Luhan grabbed it from him and closed the box.

“It’s beautiful” Baekhyun said sincerely.

“I’m going to have to get it resized, his fingers are so tiny.” Luhan said, putting the bag inside one of the bigger bags of purchases.

“Do you know his size?” Baekhyun asked.

“Well I know how big my is and I also know how many of his fingers can fit up there so I think I can guess.” Luhan said nonchalantly. Baekhyun fake vomited and shoved Luhan out of his room. He closed the door mostly and then opened it again a little,

“How many?” He asked.

“Ten.” Luhan said dramatically before running down the hall.

“That’s not even realistic!” Baekhyun called out after him. Taemin was walking by from the direction of Jongin’s room and paused to glance at Baekhyun and Luhan, “How many fingers can fit up your ?” Baekhyun asked Taemin. Taemin looked mildly horrified and almost ran to the kitchen.

Baekhyun closed his door and began sorting the presents he bought.

The only people he wasn’t able to shop for was Luhan, for obvious reasons, and Jongdae.

He had already asked Jongdae what he wanted for Christmas but Jongdae hadn’t said anything, he just changed the subject. Baekhyun had already consulted everyone he knew but he still wasn’t sure what to get him. He should have just gotten Jongdae a remote control car, Baekhyun thought, flopping onto his bed.

At around eight thirty Jongdae called him, waking him up from a nap he didn't even remember taking.

“Do you want to get ramen?” He asked, Baekhyun sat up, disoriented. It was dark outside and he could hear Luhan and Minseok watching football.

“Yeah, what? Um sure. Now? Do you want me to pick you up?” he was already stumbling around to find shoes.

“Actually just meet me there in ten?” Jongdae said, just the sound of his voice was enough to melt Baekhyun’s heart. He was in deep .

“Yeah sounds good!” He hung up and managed to find his jacket and persuade Luhan to let him use his car and was there before Jongdae.

He started thinking about Jongdae, and how he felt when he first met Jongdae. He wondered if Luhan had felt the same way about Minseok. It was probably different, he told himself, because they were like 15 and just figuring out they were gay but Baekhyun and Jongdae were in their twenties and Jongdae had a kid.

He had never thought about kids, Baekhyun assumed that since he mostly liked guys he wouldn’t ever be able to have one. That’s part of the reason he became a teacher, so he could still see kids and hang out with them because he couldn’t have one of his own. But now he was considering Jongdae and a future with Jongdae which involved a future with Jongsu and that thought didn’t freak Baekhyun out nearly as much as he thought it would. Actually he felt excited, content at a future with Jongdae. Like it was what was supposed to happen.

He was startled out of his thought by the passenger door opening and Jongdae slipping in, shivering.

“Holy you scared the out of me!” Baekhyun exclaimed. Jongdae shrugged apologetically, putting his hands on the heaters, apparently too cold to talk. His face was red and his teeth were clattering. Baekhyun reached over and began rubbing his arms to get warmth into them. He also turned up the heat. Jongdae reached over and pressed his icy cold hand on Baekhyun’s face, causing him to hiss and recoil.

“That’s so cold jesus, why don’t you have gloves?”

“I forgot them” Jongdae said, laughing at Baekhyun’s reaction to his cold hand, “Also that was such a funny face you made.”

“I hate you” Baekhyun said, “I’m turning off the heater”

“No please I’ll do anything” Jongdae pleaded.

“Anything?” Baekhyun smirked.

“Within reason”

“You’re buying ramen for us” Baekhyun said, “I’ll go in and make it because you look so pathetic right now but you’re paying” Jongdae smiled and nodded, reaching into his pocket to get his card. He passed it to Baekhyun and just before Baekhyun got out of the car he leaned over and quickly kissed Baekhyun’s cheek with his icy cold lips, causing Baekhyun to recoil and shout again.

“You think you’re so funny don’t you.” Baekhyun sad, Jongdae looked at him with wide eyes, “You think you are so cute” Baekhyun muttered gently shoving Jongdae’s arm and getting out of the car,

“You never said I wasn’t!” Jongdae shouted. Baekhyun ignored him and went into the convenience store to get the ramen. Baekhyun also got some triangle kimbap and a couple warm teas. He figured since Jongdae was paying he might as well go crazy.

When he got back Jongdae had pushed both of the seats forward and was sitting in the backseat with a blanket that Baekhyun had no idea where he found.

Baekhyun crawled in, handing Jongdae his tea and Ramen which he held tightly for warmth. Baekhyun sat in the middle of the seat facing forward and Jongdae stretched his legs over him, leaning against the door of the car. Jongdae cited it as the most comfortable and warmest way for them to sit.

They ate in silence for awhile, not necessarily uncomfortable silence but not quite comfortable either. Baekhyun had a million questions to ask Jongdae but didn’t want to bring any of them up in case Jongdae didn’t want to talk about it. Jongdae could obviously sense Baekhyun had a lot of questions because he stared at him with amusement, eventually setting down his cup.

“I can tell you have something you want to say.” He said, Baekhyun looked around,

“Me?”

“Yes you who else would I be talking to?” Jongdae punched his arm half heartedly. Baekhyun tossed his empty ramen bowl to the front seat.

“Is your mom okay?” Baekhyun asked. Jongdae’s smile faltered,

“I met Jongsu’s grandma today” Jongdae said,

“I know, so did I. Is your mom okay?” Baekhyun would not be deterred.

“She seems nice. Her son is kind of an though, a high schooler. I guess you met him too. Tall, blonde, looks super entitled.”

“Yeah he’s friends with Tao I guess but I don’t know how. Why are you avoiding my question?”

“I think he’s gay. He said his mom is super homophobic.”

“That . Jongdae talk to me about your mom”

“Junmyeon wants me to pull the plug on her.” Jongdae said quietly, “What if Sehun is dating Tao? How would they even have met?”

“Jongdae” Baekhyun’s voice was just above a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”

“Yep. It really .” Jongdae said, staring at his hands. Baekhyun reached over to hold them in his own, trying to provide warmth and comfort, “do you want to know the worst part?”

“What?”

“After she dies I won’t be able to afford to stay in her house. So we will have to move and that will reflect poorly on my finances which means that CPS will be down my throat. Also if Mrs. Oh. finds out im gay she might deem me unfit to raise Jongsu. One more strike and I’m out Baekhyun.” Jongdae’s voice broke but he wasn’t crying. Baekhyun wasn’t sure what to say, so Jongdae kept talking. “The worst part, the absolute worst part, is Jongsu could lose everyone. If he gets taken away from me who knows where he will go. He will lose his dad and his grandma, me, Taeyeon, you. Everything stable in his life will go to and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

“That’s not true Jongdae, he isn’t going to lose everyone. You aren’t about to give up on him and neither is Taeyeon and neither am I” Baekhyun said, “And if you lose your mom’s house there are plenty of other options, plenty of cheaper apartments that are smaller too. You don’t need to stay there no one will look down on you for moving. And no one can look at you and say you are unfit to raise Jongsu-”

“They are already saying it Baekhyun!” Jongdae didn’t mean to raise his voice but he couldn’t stop, “He’s acting out at school and the principal is calling cps again, they are reopening an investigation and honestly? They might be right. What qualifications do I have to raise a child? My job barely pays enough to support myself and now I have to support him as well as pay for all my mom.s hospital bills and pay for another funeral? I’m twenty ing four years old, I don’t have anything saved up and I have no idea how to raise a child!”

“Hey, hey,” Baekhyun moved closer, pulling Jongdae tightly into him as hot tears began to roll down Jongdae’s face,

“I can’t even ing take care of myself and here i am trying to take care of a kid and have a social life? How irresponsible is that?” Jongdae pulled away, “I can’t keep trying to drag you down too no matter how much I want to be with you I can’t-”

“Wait what? Jongdae calm down, what do you mean ‘drag me down with you’?” Jongdae curled his legs up in front of his chest, he had pulled back completely and they weren’t touching at all.

“I want to be with you Baekhyun, I really do but how ing selfish is that? How is that going to affect Jongsu? What if we break up? Jongsu can’t grow attached to you and Minseok and Luhan just to have you guys stripped away if things end badly for us. Also I cant-” Jongdae sniffed and Baekhyun had to wipe a tear off his own face as he listened to Jongdae, “I want you, I want you to be mine but I am such, I am barely holding myself together Baek and what kind of brings what I have to a brand new relationship, you've already been through so much for me and I don’t want to keep, keep pulling you into all my . You ing went to my brothers funeral like the third time we met.”

“Jongdae stop.” Baekhyun tried to sound more assertive than he did.

“Also I can’t expect you to be there for Jongdae in the way that he needs, I can’t expect that of anyone that’s not fair, you’re still young you probably don’t want to have to worry about a kid but if we get serious it’s the three of us not just me. I can’t bring you into this knowing that I can’t give you everything-”

“Jongdae. Stop.” Baekhyun said, firmer, turning to stare at Jongdae, both of them were crying, “are you ting me right now with this?”

“What?”

“You- you are so stupid.” Jongdae tried to protest but Baekhyun kept talking, “You honestly think I haven’t thought about this? Jongdae I know who you are I know what you’re going through, I understand that this is in no way a normal relationship. I’ve known Jongsu longer than I’ve known you and nothing is going to change how I feel about Jongsu regardless of what happens with us first of all, I’m not going to stop being his piano teacher or stop being his friend or stop loving him if we break up and I’m a little offended you think I would.”

Jongdae opened his mouth again but Baekhyun kept going,

“Also I know what is going on with you, I was there for your brothers funeral I’ve visited your mom in the hospital, I’m not oblivious to how much you have going on and I’m not going to ask for you to do more than you can or for you to give more than you can give.”

“I can’t even- imagine why you would want to get into this relationship knowing what’s going on.”

“Jongdae I-” Jongdae had lowered his legs so Baekhyun could see his face, “I want to be in a relationship with you. You aren’t dragging me anywhere I don’t want to go. I want to go anywhere with you, anything that happens, I want to be there for you and help you through it because that’s what a relationship is. I know it will never be the two of us and I don’t want it to be. I love Jongsu and I” he took a deep breath, “I love you and I will do anything to be with you, you don’t have to give me everything I’m not asking for everything. I’m just asking for you let me be there for you oh my god that’s all I’ve ever wanted.” Baekhyun stopped talking, leaning back against the cold leather of Luhan’s car. He couldn’t look at Jongdae, he didn’t want to see Jongdae’s reaction, he had never professed anything that intense to anyone before. Jongdae was also quiet for a long time. The only noise was a steady pitter patter of rain on the roof and windows.

Eventually Baekhyun broke the silence, “If you want to, if you want to end this we can.” the words physically hurt to say, “I mean it when I say nothing will change with Jongsu. He can still come over for lessons and to hang out, if you ever need a babysitter or someone to watch him we will do that. I’m not going to leave Jongsu’s life but if you, if you want to stop seeing each other I won’t hold it against you.”

Jongdae was quiet for a long time. Baekhyun didn’t look at him, he stared at his hands in his lap. After what felt like an eternity Jongdae spoke, his voice quiet and hoarse,

“I don’t...I don’t want that.” He said. Baekhyun looked up, hopeful, Jongdae wiped away a tear off his face, “I’m so confused and overwhelmed”

“I know,” Baekhyun said, at a loss for what else to say. Jongdae looked up at Baekhyun,

“I...” He fell silent again, “I need to think.” Baekhyun nodded and threw away their trash. They wordlessly moved to the front seat and Baekhyun drove to Jongdae’s house. He put the car in park but didn’t turn it on, not sure where they stood. Jongdae made no move to get out of the car.

“Are you working tomorrow morning?” the question was out of nowhere and threw Baekhyun off.

“Um, yeah Minseok and I are opening.”

“Um, Mrs Oh, Sehun, Taeyeon, Jongsu and I are going so be prepared I guess.”

“Oh, Okay. I’ll see you then.” Baekhyun said flatly. Jongdae sounded like he wanted to say more, but instead he just got out of the car. Baekhyun winced when the door closed. He was too confused and empty to be sad. He waited until Jongdae was inside and then drove home.

“We didn’t expect you to be back alone.” Minseok said when Baekhyun came through the door, stomping snow off his shoes. Baekhyun just grunted and put Luhan’s keys on the table by the door. “What happened? Baek are you okay?” Minseok padded over to him, leaving Luhan asleep on the couch. He reached up to touch Baekhyun’s arm but Baekhyun just smiled as genuinely as he could, “were you crying?”

“Yeah uh, yes I was. I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight.” Baekhyun said, pushing Minseok aside and going to bed.