“Back to December”

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The weather was as cold as ice. The mist of air was sending me chills all over my body. December was definitely in the air as the snow was starting to fall on that night. There were lots of christmas decorations everywhere. Everywhere you turn you could see shops decorated with christmas ornaments. The people were really excited for the upcoming holidays. 

It was definitely December.

At a small coffee shop in Apgujeong, I sat alone sipping my warm cup of coffee waiting for someone to enter the door of that small cafe. I sat at the very same table we both shared two years ago. Yes, it's been two years now, it was in this very spot that she gave me roses, pink roses to be exact, but I just left them there to die. It was December as well, it was december two years ago to be exact that I decided to ask for my freedom, but it only meant nothing. It only meant me missing her more and more each day. And I'd go back to that december and turn everything around and make everything alright. But I know that I can't, I just couldn't.

As I sat there while waiting for her I remembered everything we've been through. The summers and all the beautiful times we both shared. Watching her laugh and realizing that I already fell in love with her. Those sweet kisses we exchanged, her dorky yet sweet smile that used to greet me every morning. She was so good to me, she showed me how much she loved me, but I was a fool to ask of her to stop loving me. She never failed to show me how much she loved me, what I meant to her, she gave me all your love but I just gave her goodbye. I broke her heart as fear kept creeping and growing inside of me. I was afraid that she would just end up breaking my heart into pieces. As I started to remember that night my eyes were starting to get teary. I tried my best to hold it in, seeing as she might arrive soon. I was about to see her again after along time. After two agonizing years of being a slave to my pride, I mastered the courage to see her again and ask for her forgiveness. I just wanted to tell her how sorry I was for breaking her apart, for not giving us a chance, for being such a coward. But I really want her to know how much I still love her. How much I yearn to be with her, how much I want to spend the rest of my life with her in my arms again.

I tried thinking of the right words to say, but I was distracted by the sound of the door opening. I turned my gaze towards the entrance and saw her coming in. My heart became unstable as she started to move towards me. Every step she took, my heart skipped a beat. It was hard for me to breath, every inch was like torture for me. I just wanted to run to her and hug her. I wanted to hold her, to feel her, to touch her again, but I maintained my composure to avoid getting too much attention.

She then stopped in front of me and gave me a small bow as a sign of greeting. I, in return stood up and showed her a smile. I gestured for her to take a seat, as I also took a seat across the table. The waiter came and asked for her order, once he left the atmosphere was awkward. We were both silent for awhile, waiting for someone to start a conversation. I stared at her trying to take notice of any changes, while she was fixing her gaze upon the floor. I could see that her guard was up, that she wasn't comfortable around me anymore. It was hard for her to look at me. I could still see the hurt in her eyes. She was indeed still in pain because of me. 

I cleared my throat and started talking to enlighten the gloomy atmosphere that surrounded us.

"How are you Taeng?", I asked of her.

She, in return looked at me and said, "I'm doing good, just a bit busy with work."

Busier than ever, I guess.

"So, how's your family? Haven't seen them in awhile. How's your parents doing? How about Jiwoong oppa and Haeyeon~ah, how are they?", I asked again. I wanted to lengthen our conversation just so that I could hear her voice again.

"There all fine. My parents are busy taking care of our business along with Jiwoong oppa. And Haeyeon~ah's busy with school.", she answered as she was was trying to avoid looking into my eyes.

"I see.", I stated as I took a sip of my coffee.

After that, we both became silent again. No one said anything after all the exchange of words. We were both quite for sometime and it became very awkward again. The silence was absolutely deafening, although the cafe was filled with people talking and laughing it was definitely silent for us as we were both in our own world. 

After a few minutes of silence, I was thankful that the waiter came and served her order. She ordered her favorite as usual, a hot fudge cappuccino. She was thanking the waiter and as soon as he left, she was starting to take sips of her favorite beverage. 

I decided to break the awkward silence between us again, seeing us how I was to one who invited her.

"I'm so glad you made time to see me Tae." , I said while showing her a simple smile. I hoped that she could see right through my eyes the sincerity in every word that came out of my lips. I wanted her to know that I was honest and truthful to every word I said.

She said nothing and just opted to look back at me and smile. The smile that I missed so much, the smile that made my heart flutter, her smile always made my heart skip a beat.

She always knew what my weakness was.

I sighed and started to tell her the reason why I wanted to see her in the first place.

"I'm sorry, Tae", I said as I looked down. I could feel tears building up in my eyes, they were starting to sting. I nod my head down because I didn't want her to see the tears that were forming. I closed my eyes and held them tightly, preventing the tears to fall down. I breathed in deeply and tried calming myself. This was the only way I knew how to prevent making a fool of myself in front of her.

All of sudden, she took my hand. She smiled sadly and said, "Why don't we go somewhere private so we could talk?"

I nodded in response as I took my belongings. We both headed for the door and started walking. I didn't know where we were heading, but I just let her lead me to the place we were both supposed to go. As we were walking along the streets of downtown Apgujeong, I took notice of the path we were both trailing along. It was a very familiar path since we always walked along the said passage after having our small dates on the cafe before. Right then and there I knew where we were both headed, it was our favorite place. We spent most of our time together in this place. Whenever we wanted to be away from the world, we would just go to this place.

Once we arrived, the place was quite and there was no one in sight. She then slowly made her way towards one of the benches and sat herself down. I followed her and sat beside her. She was looking up at the night sky smiling and admiring the bright stars that shined that night. I was also mesmerized not by the stars, but by her. She was still as beautiful as ever. 

“There so beautiful. Don't you agree, Tiff?”, she said.

“Yeah, they are.”, I agreed as I shifted my sight from her towards the night sky.

We stayed quite and just stared at them. For along time we both stayed in that position. Just admiring the stars and each others presence. I decided to break the silence again as I remembered what my intentions of seeing her were.

“Taeyeon~ah...”, I called out to her.

“hhmmm...??”, she answered, her eyes not leaving the sight in front of her.

“I'm sorry.”, I said as I let the tears I was holding back a while ago fall down on my cheeks. 

“I'm sorry for breaking your heart, for being so stupid.” I continued as I looked down and continued sobbing.

My heart couldn't take it anymore. It was hurting to know that I was the one causing her so much pain. I could see through her that she was still indeed in pain because of what I did. 

“I'm here in front of you swallowing all my pride, saying sorry for what I did. I'd give anything to go back and make everything alright.”, I said.

She then took my hands, raised my chin up and looked straight through my eyes. I saw tears forming in them. Those sweet brown orbs that shined like the stars in the night sky. She wiped the tears from my cheeks and said, “It's ok. It's all in the past now.” 

I was really taken back by what she said. I expected her to be mad at me. I expected her to bent her anger towards me, but instead she just smiled sweetly and told me it was all in the past now. 

I continued crying as she now held me in her arms. 

“I'm really sorry,Tae. If I could change everything I would.”, I said as I was hugging her tightly.

“Sshhh...I said it's ok, I understand you were confused and afraid.”, she said as she patted my back. 

Her touch gave me comfort and security. She always knew that her touches made me feel safe and calm. 

I pulled away from the embrace that we both shared and said, “i-i-I know that you won't believe me if I say this Tae, b-bu-but..I still love you. I don't know how to prove it to you and I know that it wont be easy for you to believe me because I've already left a scar in your heart, but I hope you'll give me a chance to fix everything, to fix you.”

She stared at me with an expressionless face. 

Seeing her emotionless expression, I then retaliated and said, “but if the chain is in your door, I would understand.”

I looked down again and felt my heart shattering into pieces. I could see that she was shocked by what I said. I felt tears forming up on sides of my eyes again, but before any of them could fall she raised my chin up for the second time and looked straight through my eyes. Her stares pierced right through me. I stared back at her equally.

Then I saw her closed the gap between us. Our faces were a few inches away from each other. Then all of a sudden I felt her lips come into contact with mine. I closed my eyes as we kissed passionately. This was the kiss that I longed for, the contact between our lips sent surges all over my body. 

After sharing such a passionate kiss, we both decided to pull apart for our needed oxygen. She then stared into my eyes, smiled and said, "It will take sometime for me to put back the missing pieces of my heart, and I hope you can wait for me?". 

I looked at her and smiled. I was now sure that she still loved me. We both stayed still, just enjoying the silence that enveloped us both, our hands perfectly intertwined. I rested my head on her shoulder as she encircled her arms around my waist. I felt warm again, feeling her touch brought back life to my weary soul. I now know that I will love her and her alone. This December will always be the most memorable, and I'll always go back to this December all the time.