Word count: 1011

There ain't no help, it's every man for himself.

Sometimes Taeyeon realises, that things just turn out they way they do no matter how hard you try to change it. Like it's written in stone and your efforts with sandpaper can't erase it. So much for sticks and stones.

But they tried so hard, so desperately. Together. For what they hoped could last but never could. Maybe the ice wasn't to thin, maybe it just wasn't there to begin with.  

It hurts, God it hurts. As if their hearts had been ripped out of their chests. Their memories burning behind closed eyelids. Taeyeon wished she was lit on fire and burned. So her memories could turn into ashes. She wishes she lost her sight so her eyes could stop searching for that one person that doesn't fit in her puzzle. She wished her heart would stop beating so it wouldn't ache so for the person that wasn't hers anymore. 

First

Taeyeon remembers when they foolishly belived that they could actually last, If they fought for it. She recalls the exact moment when she realised that there was no living chance for them anymore. The all-consuming ache she felt seemed to still have thorns in Taeyeon's desperate fingertips. 

Second

The knowledge of knowing, of seeing but unable to do anything, Gnawed on her. like a dog gnawing on a butcher's bone. Until there was nothing left to gnaw on. Suffucating her.

Third

When Jessica came to the same conclusion she denied it. It seemed to cruel to be true. Jessica tells Taeyeon, she must have been a a terrible person in her past life for being punished like this. Taeyeon chuckles at the joke. Jessica always knows how to lift tension. 

Jessica embraces the shorter woman in a tight hug. Holding as tight she can. Taeyeon can hardly breath, but she figures it's better than a handshake. 

When the taller woman let's go of the shorter and plants a final kiss on the older's lips. Taeyeon feels as if her world is being split in two. She can hear the sound of two hearts breaking. Taeyeon gives what she belived to have been her soul-mate a nod and a soft smile. Letting go of their lingering hands and turns around. She doesn't let Jessica see the tears that flow endlessly down her cheeks. With determined steps Taeyeon marches away. The only thing she can think of is how painful it is to be alive.

Fourth

For a while Taeyeon manages to live what she belives to be painless. Drinking at the local bar with her friends and doing her work surprisingly well.

It isn't until she alone, in a quiet space, with her thoughts and emotions, that she realises she isn't as healed as she belives herself to be. The pictures on her walls haunting her and the perfume that smells so distinctly of that one person. Not to mention their cliche letters Taeyeon keeps in a shoebox under her bed.

It burns like acid in her vains and fire behind her eyes. Tormenting her but she still belives that when she isn't alone. she's healed. With her friends coworkers, and neighbors she's fixed. 

When alone, broken.

Fifth

Jessica looks skinnier and paler when Taeyeon manages to catch a glimpse of her passing by on the street. She's walking arm in arm with her five-year-younger sister. Together under a umberella they wait outside a building. 

Taeyeon doesn't dare linger around. She doesn't want to be creepy, but she can't help but to stop and stare. She wants to ask how she's been but it's obvious Jessica has had it worse than Taeyeon herself. So Taeyeon wants to apologize. For them ever meeting, for their feelings developing for their dream of a shared future not being enough. 

When Jessica turns around after her sister leaned in and wispered something in her ear. Taeyeon hides behind a corner. If Jessica have been suffering she doesn't want their pain to go to waste. So she leaves, making sure she blends in with the other people on the street. 

Taeyeon wants Jessica to be happy. But together they can't, together they aren't stronger or better. Together they don't fit, together they aren't meant to be.

Sixth

Taeyeon tries to figure out where it went wrong. If it would have been possible to fix whatever happened. She doesn't understand. Why would they meet and feel such things for each other if they were meant to pass each other by on the street like strangers in the end. 

Where did it all up? Taeyeon punders long and hard. But she doesn't reach the conclusion she expects. 

She want's to blame the blonde for focusing on studies and work, But Taeyeon herself puts work first. She want's to blame the one-month-younger woman for her inability to cook. but Jessica has improved drasticly so she can't do that either. Maybe their fire was lit on things not meant to last. 

Taeyeon doesn't want to admit that she ed up. Jessica does however have a habit of taking the blame so Taeyeon s up to hide Jessica' mistake. Maybe that's where they went wrong. 

Doing all these things out of desperation

Taeyeon wishes she could just erase memories or start over completely. Find closeure and move on. But it's all to tempting to linger in what have and could have been. So much kinder and much more soothing. 

She would relive those moments a thousand times over if she had the chance and yet know that they would never come out together in the end. Without hesitation she would do it all again.

Taeyeon doesn't feel as empty and meaningless as before. She feels as if part of her would always belong to the blonde and vice versa.

Maybe as time would pass they could mature and maybe have a second chance.

But Taeyeon knows that's just a reality that she dreams about out of desperation.

So she can at the very least be happy in her dreams.