The five of them came together. It was two in the morning. Taehyung’s parents were already there. They said they went as fast as they could but the rain outside made it hard to drive. It had been months since the last time Jungkook met them in person. They had been busy with their overseas promotion and he had been busy with his internship while Taehyung was still busy fighting his sickness.

            Tonight, though, everyone seemed to be having a rest. The Bangtan boys were in the hospital, away from doing anything relating to singing, dancing, or entertaining the fans. Jungkook was not in his bunk, away from his books and rounds. And lastly, Taehyung... Taehyung was away from his private hospital room, being in the ICU. Perhaps tired from all the fighting.

            “How is he?” Seokjing-hyung was the first one to speak as they reached Jungkook.

            “They said his lungs are soaked with water,” Jungkook tried to explain. When he tried to make out another sentence, he just decided he could not make any. “They told us to wait.” He wanted to add that he noticed that the doctor was not sure whether this night would end well, but he kept it for himself.

            The six of them ended up waiting on the bench near the ICU. By three in the morning, almost everyone was asleep—not being able to help it—Jungkook had just noticed that they all still had their make up on. They must have gone straight from their schedule.

            “Hyung, you should sleep too. I’ll wake you up if the doctor came out,” Jungkook said to Yoongi who sat next to him.

            Yoongi looked to side and eyed him from up to down. “I don’t realize you’ve grown out a lot.”

            Jungkook let out a small laugh. “You sound like a grandpha like that, hyung.”

            “Are you okay?”

            Jungkook felt a shudder from his question. It was both a simple yet a heavy question for him. “Why are you asking me, hyung?” He said laughing while strocking his hair, making it messier than it already been. “I’m not the one lying with soaked lungs in ICU.”

            Yoongi raised his hands up and put it on Jungkook’s head. “It must have been hard for you too.”

            “I’m fine, hyung. You guys also went through a lot, I believe.”

            Yoongi rolled Jungkook’s head to face him. “When you are in front of your hyungs, you don’t need to be a grown up, Jungkook-ya. You will always be our maknae, you know that?”

            Then Jungkook remembered the night when Taehyung almost said the same thing and made him feel like he was a child compare to all of them after all. His eyes suddenly hot from tears that wailed up. He bit his lips, hard. “I don’t know what to do if I lost him,” he said, breaking up in tears. “How am I supposed to live if I lost him tonight, hyung?”

            Suddenly, everything was too much to hold back. Jungkook was crying his heart out. His heart ached and his own throat was chocking him. “Being a doctor... I want to have the ability to protect him. I want to keep him save. From the pain, from the sickness, from the loneliness, from everything,” Jungkook said, chocking up. Beside, Yoongi was holding back a tear from falling. “But hyung,” Jungkook looked to Yoongi’s side, his hands were gripping his own hair, his elbow stood on his thighs. “No matter how much you want to protect a person, there are things you could not protect them from.”

            Yoongi had his hands tapping on Jungkook’s back, as the younger said, “What should I do, that poor guy... What should I do?”

            Yoongi had no answer. He was crying too. But wrapped by helplessness and vulnerability, both found consolation in each other’s tears.

...

            “Jungkook-ya, I can tell you one sure thing. It won’t be tonight. I promise.”

...

            The doctor came out at four. Taehyung had stabilized—whatever it meant. They didn’t even bother to say that he was okay. But stabilized was good enough for Jungkook, for everyone.

            “Hey, hyung, it will be wonderful if you can say that every time he goes down.” Jungkook said, indicating to his promise before.

            Yoongi looked at him with a sad smile. “Let’s not do it like that, okay?”

...

            “Though day, huh?” Jungkook said as he approached Taehyung who was lying on his bed. It had been the second night after the soaked-lung accident. Now he was back again at his 311 room. “The hyungs came that day but they were not allowed to enter the ICU so they just told me to send you their greetings.”

            Taehyung snuggled under his blanket deeper and nodded. “They’ll try to call if the time suited,” Jungkook added and Taehyung hummed a low yes.

            “Still feeling sick?” Jungkook said softly. But the sentence came out weird; of course he was still feeling sick. When the last time he did not feel so?

            “My feet..,” Taehyung replied weakly. “They feel numb.” It had been the side effect of the medication. From time to time, Taehyung would feel his hands and legs went numb and heavy.

            Jungkook took a seat beside his legs, his body facing Taehyung’s, and then he sneaked his hands under the blanket and started to massage his feet carefully. Back then Taehyung would refuse if Jungkook tried to do so, saying that it made him felt even more pathetic. Nowadays, it somehow became comforting. Jungkook said that he didn’t do it to make Taehyung ashamed of himself. ‘You’ll do the same, if you were me.’ Jungkook said to him. ‘It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Especially, because it’s with me.’

            “Yesterday..,” Taehyung said softly. His hands were clutching his blanket and his expression showed him that he was holding back his pain. Taehyung’s feet felt cold on Jungkook’s hand. The heater was on but Taehyung’s body didn’t seem to be able to keep the heat any longer.

            “Yeah?”

            “When I blackout...” Taehyung’s voice had become smaller and smaller as the time passed by. Jungkook still remember how deep his voice was and how it surprised him the first time he heard it. Now that deep, low and sure voice had turned into hoarse shriek. “I had this dream... You know, like what people say, flashes of your past memories, which come when you are just steps away from death.”

            Sometimes, when Taehyung’s body betrayed his lies, Taehyung would talk about death and Jungkook would be there to listen. “So what did you see, hyung?”

            “I saw... me. But he was such a different person than the me now. I don’t think that person from my memories will recognize himself if he saw the me now. He must have been so disappointed on the me now.”

            Jungkook felt his own hands becoming numb. He couldn’t make out anything to say back to him. “I think, I must have disappointed the past me so much, Jungkook-ya. He was such a better person, he worked hard, he was so diligent, and now, the me now was only eating away whatever he had achieved. I even ate away all those fat he gained from eating so well. I am not doing well, am I, Jungkook?”

            Jungkook finally lift his face to take a look on Taehyung. Tears were streaming down his face as he gripped on his blanket like a scared—pained child. “What do you mean you are not doing well, hyung.” Jungkook said, gripping his feet firmly as if cold hands and cold feet could generate warmth when put together. “No one holds back pain as great as you.”

            Taehyung’s cries became louder but nevertheless weak; he tried to wipe them out with his crimpled blanket. “How people will remember me, Jungkook? Will they remember me dancing, singing, playing with everyone or will they remember me as a guy that often forgets how to breathe and have his friends massaging his feet from day to day?”

            “I... I can dance, you know. Before sitting on that wheelchair, I used to dance with BTS, that group who has crazy choreography and 100% synchronized move. And I can sing too... my voice... it was so deep and thick. I used to be one of BTS vocal line. They were lacking in vocal because I was out. And... My body... It was not this gangly, bony, wrapped in dead skin like this. I was... I was one of the visual. I was... Jungkook-ya, I want people to know that once I was not as worthless as I am now.”

            “I could... I should... should have been there with everyone. Why... Why am I not there, Jungkook-ya? Why should I be here?”

            “I want to dance, Jungkook. I want to sing. I want to function again.”

...

            It was one of the autumn’s nights. The last time they were talking about Taehyung’s lifetime, they said Taehyung would only have another year to live. It was funny, but Jungkook preferred to hear the doctor said it every day than to accept that almost a year had passed since the doctor said it to both of them. All he needed was just a year—an eternal one year.

            Five years had passed since Taehyung found out about his cancer. People said that it was amazing that he could last that long. Jungkook never spend a day without fearing that long would end up being enough.

            Taehyung had personally asked Jungkook to bring him to the rooftop tonight. He said he wanted to look at the stars. Jungkook brought him out on his wheelchair, wrapped by several blankets.

            On the roof, Jungkook sat on a bench and Taehyung was beside him on his wheelchair. Taehyung looked up to the sky and Jungkook witnessed the thing that he had not seen for a long time—Taehyung opening his mouth in amazement. Jungkook tried to tattoo the moment on his mind and promised that he would never forget this moment—that he would always remember Taehyung in his beautiful moments.

            “I’m sorry for the last time.” Taehyung said still looking up.

            “Why are you sorry again, hyung?”

            “I was... complaining like a child last time. Also, thinking high of myself. While you should be the one to feel so and be angry at me instead,” Taehyung said now looking at him.

            This time, without tears, without hesitation, Jungkook looked back at Taehyung right on his eyes. They were gleaming at the dark of the night. Althrough pain and agony had dimmed a bit of their light, but his eyes were forever gleaming.

            “Hyung..,” Jungkook said, firm and sure. “I regret nothing. I chose this and I’ll choose this over and over again even if time repeated itself. I’m glad everything and I’m satisfied for what I have become. So please, stop blaming yourself and...” Jungkook paused for a bit, bitting his lips while building up courage. “please forgive me for being selfish. I’m sorry that I weight it down on you all these years while... it was just me... choosing a selfish decision. The decision that will make me happy without minding how much it will cause pain to other people.”

            “So let’s forgive each other and end it there, okay, hyung?”

...

            “What makes you want to go to the roof today, hyung?”

            “I have a wish.”

            “What is it?”

            Taehyung put his hand on Jungkook’s head and looked at him from the side. “When this is over..,” he smiled faintly. “Perhaps, next year...” Jungkook wanted to protest but the way Taehyung’s eyes hold his stopped him from doing so. “Please... Only do what you really want to do.

            “Do... only what makes you happy. Do not think of me, do not think of anyone, not the boys... not the elder... this time, do something for yourself. When you are sad, go to your hyungs. When you are tired, take a good sleep and don’t mind those who don’t allow you. When you are hungry... don’t eat all by yourself. Call your friends, eat with your family, go to your hyungs’ concert and eat with them at the backstage.

            Since you are so stubborn on being a doctor then you should really be one. I... I don’t think.. I can... see you then... but make sure you dress up handsomely on your graduation. Ask Yoongi hyung to buy you a designer suit and... your shoes to... they must be shinny.

            You... you should date too. The girl should be someone with beautiful smile... and... healthy body... that will take care of you... until you both grow old together. Like that, live your life comfortably, happily, beautifully like that.”

            This time, Taehyung didn’t shed a single tear. It was Jungkook who was left crying his heart out by himself. His heart ached so hard that he wondered how much Taehyung must have felt every night if this much was already too much for him to hold. “Got it, Jungkook-ya? You can stop thinking about me now... Thank you... for all this time. But now, it’s enough.”

            “Why... are you saying your wish... when there’s no a shooting star, you stupid,” Jungkook said between his cries while holding on to Taehyung’s small wrist—the one which on his head.

            “Then, one day when I become a falling star, will you grant it for me, Jungkook?”

...

            Jungkook loved all his hyungs but there was a particular reason why Taehyung would always be the first on his list. There were many reasons he could think of answering why Taehyung came first. But, if he were told to pick one, there would be this one scene that played on his memory.

            It was when they were still trainee together. It was on one random winter night in Seoul; a night before Christmas. Everyone would be having a few days off and was ready to go back. One by one, everyone went home. Some were picked, some brought their own cars, some called a taxi until no one but Jungkook, Taehyung and Yoongi left in the building.

            “Are you not going?” Taehyung said in his thick satoori to Yoongi.

            “How about you? You’ll miss the last train,” he replied back.

            Taehyung scratched his head with one hand—a familiar gesture. “I’ll take the bus in the morning.”

            Yoongi looked surprised. “Didn’t you say you have the money for train ticket?”

            Taehyung made a cringed expression. “Everyone is taking the train. I want to do something different. I tell you this, okay? Why take the train when you can enjoy the road more with the bus? You can see the road, the streetlamps, listen to a dozen albums, and you’ll still be able to sleep.”

            It was Yoongi’s turn to cringe hearing Taehyung’s absurd speech—although he should have been used by it now.

            “So, what I’m saying is..,” Taehyung emphasized gently.”Rip your train ticket and come with me by the bus. I’ll buy the ticket bus to compensate it, okay? It’s just... I’ll be lonely if I have to take the bus by myself,” Taehyung said with a huge foolish grin on his face.

            “What are you saying, I don’t have..,” Yoongi gulped down his protest as he realized what the younger—fooler guy tried to do. He looked at Taehyung and the wide grin plastered on his stupid face. ‘I don’t have the money for both of us to take the train but let’s go by the bus.’

            Yoongi thought of his pocket and the few Won left in his pocket—enough only for ramen and coffee—if he wanted to play rich—. He had told his family he wouldn’t make it to home—so many things going as a trainee, he had excused, not wanting to tell his parents that he could barely pay for his rent this month—.

            “Are you stupid?” Yoongi said, biting his lips in frustration. “Do you think you can make it for Christmas if we took the bus?”

            “Well, we can celebrate it together tonight. That’s why I’m asking you this favour, hyung.” Taehyung answered in a spoiled manner. ‘I don’t wanna hurt your pride by saying I’ll pay for your ride home.’

            Yoongi felt his eyes burning and he was sure that if he thought about it he would end up crying and it would be ugly and embarrassing. So, he bit his lips again then let out a deep sigh, “You really good at lying, aren’t you?” He smiled to Taehyung and the other replied with his stupid smile—the one that made him opened his mouth wide and showed his teeth.

            “Hey, Jungkook-ya, why you keep standing all by yourself there? Are you coming with us?” Taehyung shouted at his direction and it snapped him back from the understanding he had just witnessed. He had promised his parents that he would be home tonight but he thought that he would just make it up in the morning.

            Today, he found that some other paths—some that he never knew before, some that he was never sure of—could be beautiful too.

...

            As they went back to Taehyung’s room later, Jungkook halted his step before they reached Taehyung’s bed. Jungkook walked to Taehyung’s front and kneeled to match him in his wheelchair.

            “Actually... I am afraid,” he said, looking down. “I’m afraid someday, I’ll be older than you can ever be. And... you can’t be my hyung any longer.” Jungkook put his forehead on Taehyung’s knee. “That’s what I am afraid the most.”

            Taehyung was silent for a few second before he touched Jungkook’s face from side with his two hands. “What are you saying, you stupid,” he looked at him in the eyes and grinned at him—his last grin, at least for tonight Jungkook prayed. He put his forehead against Jungkook. “You can be a hundred years older than me but it will never change that you are my little brother. And I will always, be your older brother.”

...

(unrecorded time)

            Jungkook had Taehyung’s hand in his. Taehyung was looking at him admits his drowsy vision. He couldn’t smile—the ventilator was in the way. Or he was just simply too weak to smile. Jungkook tried to remember when the last time Taehyung showed him his trademark smile. He could not remember. Instead, he remembered that one—the one he showed him after they went to look at the midnight sky, one spring night. He decided he would remember it as his last.

            Weakly, Taehyung blinked an eye to Jungkook—a familiar gesture they had made that meant thank you, said when one was too weak to speak or to do anything else.

            “Hyung, having you as my hyung and being your dongsaeng is the most beautiful moment in my life.”

FIN.

don’t go into that forest

I’m afraid that if I let go of your hand
you’ll fly away, you’ll shatter
I’m afraid that if this moment passes,

that I’ll lose you
just like a butterfly

- Butterfly

*From the movie ‘Stuck in Love’

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