If I had chosen a different path

What will I get to see?

At the end of this road, where you would be standing

- Road.

            Taehyung broke another heart today. It was the new—young, sweet, and beautiful—nurse. She must have been charmed by his beautiful profile when she saw him on the TV room or seduced by the way he flirted with the older nurse at the administration table last Friday. Either way, while Jungkook was passing he witnessed the broken-hearted nurse was crying in the pantry. The older nurse must have told her that Taehyung was dying. The young nurse had been missing the fact that Taehyung stayed in the cancer ward.

            Jungkook made a mental note. This was why he thought that a dying person should not make others fell in love. But then he was reminded at once that it was never on Taehyung’s control that people fell in love with him so effortlessly, like it was in his nature, for the longest time he knew him.

            “Jungkook-ya, are you coming?” One of the other intern boys called him. It was the time for lunch and everybody was ready to leave for the cafeteria.

            He bowed his body in response. “I’m sorry I have a plan with a friend.”

            When the crowd had left, he went pass the pantry, the administration table, and stopped by the front of a patient room. Number 311: Kim Tae Hyung.

            Jungkook welcomed himself in without knocking. “Hey, let’s eat lunch,” he said, lifting his lunch bag to the boy in a plain hospital gown.

            Taehyung looked up from his bed, one eyebrow lifted. “Isn’t it the time for you to make friends already? Why do you always came here for lunch?”

            “I do make friends.” Jungkook answered while taking a seat beside Taehyung’s bed. “Everyone is just too busy to eat together.”

            He lifted the food tray positioned on the table beside and put it above Taehyung’s legs. “And again, I don’t want to miss the delight witnessing you eat all those hospital foods,” he said mischievously. Taehyung looked at him eerily, but nevertheless left his plates empty. He always finished those nasty foods. At least, every time Jungkok was there.

...

            Today shift ended late in the night. Jungkook never thought that being a doctor was as tiring as being a slave trainee. Less physical, but the thinking really worth as much as dancing whole day long. He checked up his phone—the first chance for him to do so today—and saw the missing call an hour ago. Mom.

            It was twelve already and Jungkook was hesitant to call her. Instead, he sent her a text. “Are you sleeping already, Mom?”

            A minute later, his mom’s name showed up on his screen. Jungkook picked up the phone. He first asked why she was still awake at this hour and she told him that her favourite drama had just ended and she was almost gone to bed when his text reached her.

            “I don’t think I’ll stay at home this weekend, Mom,” Jungkook said lastly. He came up with reasons that there were still so many left to do and he could concentrate more on doing them here instead of home. His mom had not seen the cramped intern bunks in the hospital, so he could still argue that being in hospital was more ‘comfortable’.

            “Again?” His mother sighed.

            “I’ll come by for dinner if I can make it, okay?”

            His mother sighed in defeat and hummed a yes. “You were so against the idea of becoming a doctor when your teacher told you back then,” she recalled to him. “Then one day, suddenly, you said you wanted to be one no matter what. On top of that, now you want to be an oncologist. I was already giving up the idea for you to be a doctor, why suddenly do it if it’s this hard?” His mother’s voice came out more concerned than ever before. The drama must have some role on making his mother being melodramatic tonight, Jungkook thought.

            “It’s okay, Mom. I want to do it.” Jungkook thought of another longer reason to tell. But it was just as it was. So he ended it at that. “Go to sleep, Mom. It’s late already.”

            They exchanged goodbye and his mom told him to stay healthy twice before finally hanged the phone up. Jungkook eyes were drowsy from the exhaustion of the day and he ought to fight the urge to lie on the chair before standing up.

            The intern ward was on the other side of the building but he chose to take a final see on Taehyung before going back. From the small window on the door, he saw Taehyung sifting from side to side on his bed, too anxious to sleep.

            Suddenly, his bunk was no longer on his head. “Cannot sleep?” Jungkook said. Taehyung looked at him with his tired eyes—a result from not being able to sleep he noticed.

            “Doing nothing make my body refuses to sleep, maybe?” Taehyung suggested. Jungkook wanted to say it was either the medication or the sickness itself, but he ended up agreeing Taehyung more pleasant assumption.

            “I’m not used on sleeping it either. All I do is just making a round.”

            Taehyung eyed him. The heaviness on Jungkook’s shoulder and his bleak face must have been so clear to see, but he decided to play along. “Are you going to be back on your ward tonight?”

            “I have a day off tomorrow,” Jungkook said while roaming around Taehyung’s table. He found his TV remote on the back of his collection figures. “Let’s just watch TV and catch up to the new girl groups.”

            Taehyung was asleep twenty minutes later. Then he wake up after a half hour. He fell asleep ten minutes later listening to Jungkook humming. Ten minutes later he woke up, coughing blood. Jungkook was still awake and tried to calm him by soothing his back. After an hour, Taehyung was back to sleep and this time he was asleep for the rest of the night. In the morning, he woke up to find Jungkook sleeping with his mouth open on the chair. He didn’t left.

            Somehow, it was a nice thought to start a day.

...

            Today, they were watching a music program on TV room. Taehyung was playing with the children when his attention suddenly averted by the voice from the television. The MC had mentioned the group name ‘BTS’ and from distance, Taehyung could make out every of their faces. They were doing an interview as an older kid shouted It’s Rap Monster!

            When they were doing their stage, a few nurse had stopped on their round to steal a watch. Their face lit with excitement, the nurses and the younger female patients were holding back screams, and Taehyung being sandwiched between the TV and the audience kept shifting his gaze from side to side.

            “Oppa, who’s your favourite in BTS?” A girl, a high school student who finished her appendicitis surgery a few days ago and had made friend with Taehyung, asked him with her eyes glued on the screen.

            “I like them all,” Taehyung said a matter of fact.

            She sighed. “Do you even know them or you just play smart?”

            He laughed at that and patted the girl on her head. Looking at the way her eyes glued to the screen with slightly open and hands gripped tight in excitement, a fool wonder intrigued him. “Hey, Jooyeon, do you think I’ll suit them if I were in that group?”

            Jooyeon rolled her head to his side and then rolled her eyes to him. “Oppa are you joking? Your face might be handsome but do you see their dance? Can you even dance?”

            He laughed at that too, saying that she had a point. But somehow he could hear the different sound from the laughter he made and wondered why it came out so false.

            “Jungkook-oppa will do,” she continued, snapping him back from his thought. The stage was over and now she was looking at Jungkook who was standing among the nurse at the back of the TV room. “I heard Jungkook-oppa singing to their song the other day. Actually, I think he is their fans. I always heard him singing to their songs. I tell you, his voice is really amazing and he is already so handsome. I always wonder why BTS is so lacking in vocal while they have so many rappers. Jungkook-oppa should have auditioned for them instead working himself like crazy here. Oppa, are you even listening to me?” She pushed on his back lightly when she noticed that Taehyung seemed too lost on his own thought. But Taehyung was listening. He was listening and thought how true her every word was.

...

            “My mom came by and made us pumpkin soup,” Jungkook said while lifting his food box over to Taehyung. It was pass dinner time but Taehyung had not eating anything since yesterday and by an hour ago there was nothing left for him to vomit.

            There was never a healthy day. But there were better days. Tonight, was just another worse day. Taehyung was shivering under his blanket, cold sweat streaming down his face. His lips were rough from all the cut he made by biting and tearing down the thin skin on his lips from delirium. His breath was short and rough. Jungkook sat on his bed; softly he wiped Taehyung’s hair to side, and cleaned his sweat for him. “Does it hurt a lot?”

            Taehyung reached for Jungkook’s free hand. Taehyung’s hand was cold and his grip was weak. Sometimes, he clenched Jungkook’s hand harder when the pain came back in. From above, Jungkook saw the way Taehyung’s shoulder shuddered. At one point, he thought how in the past he admired those shoulders. Jungkook always thought that Taehyung had the kind of shoulder that could never get tired. They were wide and strong. More than anything, they only shook when he laughed.

            Looking at them now, they had become so gangly and vulnerable. His shoulder bones were sticking out below his dry skin. Jungkook suddenly reminded on the day Taehyung had to change his hospital uniform. After a year, his size had shrunk and they had to give him another sets of uniform with smaller number. That day, Taehyung only said ‘Ah, the company was so stubborn on telling me to diet. I told them it was impossible. I never thought I could really lose weights’. Jungkook was already an intern at that time and he was the one who kept record on Taehyung’s weights.

            Jungkook never complained about anything. But if there was one thing he particularly hated was to stand beside Taehyung every time he checked on his weight and had to bear with the nauseating feeling every time the number grew smaller and smaller. He hated it more when Taehyung pretended to laugh it off.

            “It hurts, Jungkook-ah. It hurts so much.”

...

            Taehyung had always been the best in two things. First, he was good at lying. Second, he was good in holding back pain. So when he said that it hurt, it must have hurt a lot. Even for someone like Taehyung.

...

            Jungkook was reminded by one particular line from the movie he watched with his Bangtan hyung back in the day. As Taehyung’s breath was becoming even, a sign that he was finally asleep, he said to the quiet softly, “I remember that it hurt, looking at her hurt.”*

...

            Taehyung was asleep for an hour before being woken up by a feeling of chocked up. Jungkook’s hand was still in his. The feeling of his hand being clenched tight woke him up from his sleep. He woke up to find Taehyung grasping for an air in panic and he had to catch Taehyung eyes and told him to breathe until he remembered how to take one.

            “It’s okay. It’s just your brain playing trick on you.” Jungkook said in hushed voice while Taehyung’s back softly.

            “I’m... pathetic,” Taehyung’s voice came out hoarse and strained. It was like his vocal cord was being ripped apart. Jungkook tried to remember how they used to sound once. “I don’t even remember how to... breathe, Jungkook-ya.” A tear streamed down his face as he said so.

            “Why are you here?” Taehyung said, breaking the silence coming from Jungkook.

            “I have day off in the weekend,” Jungkook answered casually—habitually.

            “I don’t mean that. I mean why are you here? Everyone is out there having the best moment of their life. Why are you here, Jungkook?” Without him telling, Jungkook knew exactly who Taehyung meant by everyone. Seokjin, Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok and Jimin was all out there—being famous, making money, making music—having fun.

            “I want to be a doctor, hyung.”

            Taehyung lifted his head to face Jungkook. Sitting up on the side of his bed, Jungkook was towering him. The hyung coming from Jungkook felt weird.  Right now, Jungkook seemed to be the older one, the bigger one, the stronger one. Below, Taehyung felt small. “You always against the idea of becoming a doctor no matter who told you to be one. You refused when your mom said so, and you refused when your teacher said so.”

            Taehyung remembered those days. Jungkook was in his third year. His score came out really well and his teacher had summoned him twice to suggest him purse the medical career. His teacher even had call his parents and talk to them personally. But Jungkook always had answers for them, “Mom, I want to be an artist. Mom, I want to sing in stage. Teacher, I am sorry. I don’t think being a doctor will suit me.” And the list went on.

            Then one night among those days, Taehyung caught Jungkook on the roof all by himself, clutching his career paper.

            “Hey,” Taehyung approached and hold his shoulder firm. “You do what you like. Don’t be burned by other people. Okay?”

            Jungkook replied with a wide, relieved, smile. “Thank you, hyung.”

            Later that night, as Jungkook arrived on his room, he sat on his study. He took out a pen and wrote confidently on the first box of his career paper: Singer. He left the rest of the boxes empty.

            Two weeks later, the news about Taehyung’s second stage cancer came out. Another fortnight later, Taehyung was out from the list of debuting trainee for a group called BTS. A few days after, Jungkook came with his news of resigning, saying that he wanted to focus on his CSAT; saying that he had a second thought and his grade would be a waste if he didn’t use it for university.

            Just like that, he passed the CSAT. Only God knew how many nosebleed he got from the amount of studying he did. Then years passed, now he was an intern on his way becoming an oncologists.

            It seemed so easy, so simple. It could as easy as it sounded like. But among those days were also the news of BTS debut, the release of their teaser, songs, videos, the news about them winning an award, Korean Award, Asian Award, World Award.

            Every time Taehyung looked at Jungkook, he thought how much he had wronged him. Taehyung thought how much he had taken away from Jungkook. All the things that Jungkook could have. All the things that Jungkook could have been.

            Friends, music, popularity, money, dreams; his best moments, his most beautiful days in life. “I’m sorry..,” Taehyung said, looking at Jungkook. Jungkook looked at him with a perplexed look.

            “Why are you sorry, hyung?”

            “I’m sorry that I make you a doctor.” Taehyung’s voice came out like glass breaking. He was crying and never had he felt so ashamed of himself than he was tonight. It was hard to admit but Taehyung knew he had broken what could have been a more beautiful life for Jungkook. And it was so sickening, so humiliating, so frustrating, that he had messed other people life. As if messing his own life was not enough already.

            “What are you saying, hyung...” Jungkook’s voice was no better than Taehyung. It was strained and pained. “I really want to be a doctor.”

            “You are not good at lying, you know?” Taehyung said looking at him. Jungkook knew it. He was never good at lying. It was Taehyung who had always been good at it. It was Taehyung who came out in front of anyone, smiling so widely, saying ‘Apparently, I have stage two lung cancer. I don’t think I can handle heavy things like singing and dancing. I’m sorry to say this, but you guys need to redo the entire album without me. Ah, you need to re-arrange a new choreography too. Well, how must I say this? I’m sorry for causing you guys so much trouble. It’s not like I’m the main singer or dancer. I can’t even rap at all. To speak truthfully, my voice is kinda troublesome because you don’t know where it will suit, right? Well, you just lost one of you visual, I think. It’s okay because Seokjin hyung will cover it up well. I am prone to breaking my own image, after all. So, well, yeah. I’m sorry.’ Just like that without sheedding a tear, or screaming saying how unfair it was that he couldn’t get the chance to debut after all the works he did, all the sacrifice—practicing like crazy day and night for the sake of others too—, missing the chance to be something—someone he had dreamed for years.

            “It’s not like you can save me even if you become a doctor.” Taehyung said again. His voice sounded nasal from crying. Jungkook was silent but he too was crying. “At least if you debuted then, you can secretly pay some my hospital bills every month like that stupid Yoongi-hyung.” Taehyung let out a small laugh at that though his face ended up twisting in some kind of grimace. Jungkook couldn’t help to let out a little smile, thinking how Yoongi-hyung insisted on paying those bills without acknowledging it to anyone—especially to Taehyung.

            “Jungkook-ya,” Taehyung called. Jungkook looked at the weak patient below him and how his face twisted in agony. He wanted to say that everything would be alright. But all that came out was his tears. He was still a child after all. In front of his hyungs, no matter what happened, he would always be a child.

            “It will all be pointless,” Taehyung said, smiling. The kind of saddest smile that could came from Taehyung. It was a solemn smile that did not show his teeth like his usual smiles were. “I don’t think I’ll make it until you become a doctor.”

            Jungkook gulped down. He knew. Taehyung knew. And Jungkook knew too.

            So in the end, he said the truth. The truest thing that he said after all this time., ”Stupid, I’m not here to save you,” Jungkook said, pressing his forehead to Taehyung for a moment. A tear fell to Taehyung’s cheek. “I just think it will be lonely to be in the hospital all by yourself.”

...

            “I’m not lonely.”

            “I’m not talking about you. I think I’ll feel lonely, thinking about you all by yourself in the hospital.”

(to be continued:

pt. 2: butterfly)