Dear Kyungsoo,

Do you ever just feel physically sick for no reason?

No.

Not just physically.

Emotionally too.

As if all your body’s contents were trying to force their way out. Like your thoughts and wonderings were too much for your brain and it was screaming out in pain.

I feel like that sometimes.

Most of the time.

Kyungsoo frowned at the words on the crinkled notepad paper in his hands. The other had clearly not been sure whether to send it or not.

 

Dear Jongin,

I think I understand how you feel.

Life can get really stressful at our age. We’re at an important junction: having to choose the course for the rest of our existence. Being 18 is hard. But you’re already so sure of what you want to do. You’ve always been sure.

Hang in there and know that I’m here for you.

 

Dear Kyungsoo,

Ah, it seems like you don’t understand how I feel.

It’s not stress.

I’m numb to everything that’s going on around me. The building could be on fire and I swear I wouldn’t feel a thing. The red flames could be kissing my skin and I wouldn’t flinch away from their searing touch. I’d be nothing but a pile of ash and would have felt nothing.

I guess that’s emotionally because physically…

Kyungsoo studied the ink blot on the page from where the younger had held his pen for too long, debating whether to carry on or not.

I hurt.

I hurt so much.

It hurts to blink and with every passing minute it’s as if there’s a belt being pulled tighter around my head. Not just my head. My chest too.  

What’s wrong with me, hyung?

 

Dear Jongin,

I don’t know.

 

Dear Kyungsoo,

I quit dance.

He stared at the three simple words. Three simple words that had no business being in a letter from Kim Jongin. He was scared. Very scared.

 

Dear Jongin,

0207 XXX XXXX

                  -Call me

 

 

“Why?”

Kyungsoo sounded different. Of course he sounded different, puberty does that to people. His voice was deeper, deeper than Jongin’s own. Jongin concluded that he liked it.

“‘Why’ what, hyung?”  

The elder sighed.

“Dance. Why did you quit? You love to dance, it’s all you’ve ever done, ever spoken about. Even when I told you to study more you said it wasn’t important because you were going to dance for the rest of your life.”

“I at it now. Reached a point of stagnation. I’m not getting any better, if anything, I’m getting worse.”

“Bull.”

Silence.

“I’m worried about you Jongin.” Kyungsoo whispered.

“Don’t be. I don’t want to burden your thoughts.”

Dial tone.

There were no more phone calls. Not that Kyungsoo didn’t call. There were no more letters either. Not tha