I told him I loved him and I meant it.

The reaction I got was less then pleasing but then what should I have expected? He had known all along how I felt, it was not a surprise. The surprise was that I felt the same way for another person… at the exact… same… time.

Though let me clarify it wasn’t love.

This thing that was occurring and ripping me in two was nothing more then a flash in the pan, a quick strike of lightening. It was almost the same as that feeling you get when you accidentally burn your finger; a rush, burning, then when your brain finally calms and is properly functioning again the cool water washes over it and everything is back to normal again. There is no scar and the memory soon fades.

He was quite understanding and to me that was insane. I wanted him to grab me by the shoulders and shake me like a scene out of one of those 1940’s movies filmed in sepia. I wanted him to tell me that I belonged to him and wasn’t allowed to love anyone else, grab me and kiss me hard. It didn’t happen. Instead, he left me with my thoughts and that was worse then death itself.

I bathed myself in the deepest self-loathing hatred.

I told myself that if he wasn’t bothered by it then why should I be, but I was. I went off with this other person and laughed had a good time. We remained friends. The constant nagging in the back of my mind made it extremely difficult for anything to happen. It was a record stuck on repeat, the devils mantra in three syllables.

Kim Sunggyu.

Kim Sunggyu.

Kim… Sung… Gyu.

I wanted to rip my hair out. If he was allowed to torture my subconscious then why couldn’t he torture me physically, but alas he was too nice for that. .

Some people need to learn how to take what they want.

I knew I hurt him. I heard things here and there. He wasn’t okay. Then again neither was I. How could I cause damage to the person who consumed me heart and soul? How could I break this demi-god of a man?

With those thoughts perpetually running through my mind I spiraled into oblivion once again and thought it best to let him go. He deserved someone who would never even let such a horrid thought cross their mind. The idea of possibly caring for another human being... Maybe that was it… to me he was more then that. He was heaven on earth, he was home and he owned me, or so I thought he did.

When he relinquished his ownership and claimed that I was free all along it crushed me. The weight of freedom and the ability to make my own decisions was less then liberating. I was lost. I needed a leader, I needed to be needed. Soon the place where my heart once was turned into a black pit full of poison pulling in anyone I could get my hands on, well more like anyone I laid eyes on. It was easy. The funny thing is my goal was to and get ed up but I couldn’t even do that. Let me tell you, there were many people coming and going from my bed but when it got to that point of…  getting to the p o i n t… I just couldn’t do it. Failure all around.

The void could not be filled.

Then one day salvation came and it was in the hands of the maknae.