We were freshmen in college when it happened, I only got to love her for three years; it didn’t seem fair to me.

I stood across the street and waved to her. Hana stood at most twenty five feet away from me, beaming brightly as the cold air kissed her cheeks pink.

“I see you babe, don’t come yet the light is red.”

“I know Jongin, I know.”

I never let anyone call me Jongin, not even my family members. I acquired the nickname Kai at a young age and always went by it; my mother told me that I liked the name after hearing it on TV. I closed off Jongin to someone special to me and that someone special was Hana.

We met as freshmen in high school, she was the first friend I made and the only friend that stayed close to me throughout all four years. My best friend Kyungsoo even told me that she was the first girl who I could consider a close friend. I met Chanyeol in my third year, we had calculus together and he was my seatmate for two semesters. He was the one who kept the friend circle together; Kyungsoo, Hana, him and I; the four of us were inseparable. He was also the one who convinced me to ask Hana out.

 I graduated high school without regrets; I had a small friend circle, a girlfriend and an acceptance to the university I wanted to go to with a scholarship. I loved life then, I thought everything was falling into place.

The friend circle broke up when college began; Chanyeol and I both went to Seoul University for dentistry while Kyungsoo went to Korea University to major in medicine. Out of all the acceptances, Hana chose Yonsei Academy. She wanted to be a teacher.

We all had plans to go different routes and though we were in different schools, we lucked out because all of our schools were within the same city.

I remember leaving class to have lunch with the guys and all the occasional “sneaking out” dates I had with Hana. The first two years of college seemed great; it was the third when everything fell apart.

Chanyeol’s family suffered financially and even though he was able to attend school, he was buried in student loans.

Kyungsoo’s father passed away and it was best that they move to the United States. His aunt was there and moving to California was the only way he’d have family around him.

Then there was us, Hana and I.

It was finals week of the first semester, we promised not to get anything for each other this year. We celebrated our anniversary on Christmas and thought there would be more years to come.

On Christmas day the first snow fell. Hana loved the snow, it doesn’t snow as much as she’d like here and I promised that one day I’d bring her to the ski resort in Hokkaido, Japan. She always talked about it; saying how much powdered snow there was and how so many people enjoyed the crisp cold air.

I knew we didn’t have a lot of time on that busy day, I remember telling her we’d sit down in a coffee shop to settle our minds and escape from the thoughts that reminded us of our exams and all the upcoming assignments that were to be due.

I stood in front of the shop and waited for her, she was the easiest to spot in a crowd. I saw her in an instant as she approached the corner of the street; I couldn’t help but smile and blush because every time I see her it’s like the first time I laid eyes on her.  

I dialed her number without knowing that it’d be the last time I’d get to hear her pick up.

“Jongin?”

“I see you babe, don’t come yet the light is red.”

Then I saw her eyes searching for me, I held up a hand and waved.

“I know Jongin, I know.”

I waited for the light to change from red to green, there were multiple people walking across the road, I didn’t understand why out of all people it had to be her.

“Come here, Hana…I miss you.”

I heard her cute laugh for the last time. “Jongin it’s been three days-“

Everything happened so fast, I walked towards her with my arms reaching out but I never got to hold her. Instead, I watched a car ram into her fragile body. I heard it through the phone; what scared me the most was the sound of the glass breaking as her body slammed against it.

I stood there frozen and petrified; there was blood everywhere and people began huddling around in a crowd. I couldn’t move…I couldn’t even dial 119.*

Hana passed away on her the way to the hospital, the paramedics told me that her last words were “Jongin, go see the snow…I love you.”

I didn’t believe it, I couldn’t believe that she was gone just like that…not until I stood outside the emergency room and watched the doctors wheel  out her lifeless body.

I never got to say goodbye.

I graduated university with all the degrees but I couldn’t find the will to pursue dentistry because the person who pushed me to do my best wasn’t around anymore.

I couldn’t let go of Hana who had been gone for more than 4 years.

Sometimes I texted her number quite grateful that no one had claimed it yet, I didn’t get to hear her voice again or the cheery way she used to greet me.

It was my only source of comfort and the only thing that truly reminded me of her, because it’s where we began. Our friendship blossomed through text messages and even when we were just beginning to date, we video called each other almost every day.

On what would’ve been our 8^th anniversary, I sent her a message.

Happy anniversary baby. I miss you.

For the first time in 5 years, someone on the other side replied.

I didn’t know what to do. 

After she sent me a text asking who I was, I sat there in fear for a few minutes. Someone finally claimed Hana’s number after so long and I didn’t know how to react. I felt as if I committed a crime, I couldn’t even keep myself together. All I did was apologize and reply back:

This was my girlfriend's number when she was still alive. I always sent her a message even though she wasn't with me- this is the first time I ever got a text back. I'm sorry.

I won’t do it again.

She offered to reach out to me and promised that if I needed to talk to anyone, she was the one to call.

I told Chanyeol about her, explaining how Hana’s number was no longer hers and how it was soon going to be renamed under ‘Hyejung’  on my phone. Chanyeol was nervous for me, I could tell; the way his eyebrows furrowed and the way he grinned indifferently.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

I just nodded. “I guess.”

I laid around at home for a few weeks after that, I couldn’t imagine I would do without my last source of comfort. It hurt me to see photos of Hana; it hurt me to pass by old places that held memories, if I stared at a car for too long the image of her frail body slamming into the vehicle played in my head like a broken record. I refused to get help and that was something I couldn’t admit.

My mother owned a nail salon, and my father co-owned a mechanic shop. I felt as if my degree in dentistry was useless because I often worked at the salon as the receptionist. I didn’t do much, all I did was punch in numbers and arrange appointments for the ladies that returned weekly to have their manicure brushed up. I was known as the shy boy who put up a wall towards others.

---

I met Hyejung on the 29^th of December and I wasn’t expecting it at all. Chanyeol’s dental office was down a few blocks from the salon and he called me urgently that day, saying he needed me to meet him at the coffee shop across the street.

I had been texting her a few times then too; Hyejung send me messages occasionally asking if I was okay or not. I didn’t tell her but I thought it was the kindest thing anyone had done for me in a long time.

Morning Kai! How are you?

I didn’t even get to reply because I was already out the door. I walked down a few streets with my phone to my ear trying to get Chanyeol to tell me what was it that was wrong. He often called me accidentally at work so when he said he needed to meet me; I thought something happened to him.

“Why do I need to come to the coffee shop?” I asked as I pushed the glass door open. I saw him sitting in the back with a cup of coffee in front of him.

“Great, you’re here. Can you get on line and order me a caramel-“

“But you already have a drink…”

“Then get one for yourself.”

I got on line and replied to Hyejung’s message.

“Good morning! What can I get you?” The barista in front of me asked.

“An iced Americano…”

I’m at a coffee shop. I wrote.

Then as if fate arranged for us to meet, I lifted my head when I hear a vibration against the wooden counters. I glanced at the phone by the cashier and there it was: my number in bold as an unread message popped up.

“What’s your name?” She asked.

“Kai.”

Come to the shop, don’t ask- Just come.

I wasn’t sure why but I did. The shop was empty and I could’ve sworn the ‘CLOSED’ sign was on the front door when I came in. Hyejung was behind the counter refilling the sugar packets and the straws.

“You’re here!” I am.

She took me by surprise when she suddenly grabbed my hand; we walked up the stairs in the back and up to the roof. We took a seat and it was silent for a few minutes before I asked her “What are we doing here?”

She just smiled at me. “Do you hear that?”

I focused on the quiet noise coming from within the city, I saw the brightly lit skyline of Seoul from the roof and realized there were thousands of people in the heart of Seoul, counting down to the new year.

“We almost missed it.” She said as she looked at the time. “I wanted to show you something. I celebrate- Well, not celebrate…it’s more like me sitting here until morning comes.” She chuckled. “I was always alone on New Years but this time-“Hyejung held her hands up. “Maybe we can be lonely together.” She joked.

I stared at the bright lights and heard as the people counted down; I didn’t know what I was looking at until the first firework went off. I watched in a daze as the effervescent stream of gold erupted through the night’s sky before exploding into a resplendent sea of colors.  

“Happy New Year Kai!” Hyejung beamed. “I hope everything goes well for you this year. Here’s to page 1 of 365, I hope you write a best seller.”

Every week after that, I met her again and again. We always were tangled up for some reason and I wanted to know if was a coincident or fate…or both.

The accident happened in 2000; it only took me six years to unleash the burden and guilt I felt. I was at Chanyeol’s office during his lunch hour, he asked me what I did the past few days and I shrugged it off.

“I helped mom at the salon and…texted Hyejung a few times.”

He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “She’s really sweet.” He said. “I’m happy you have someone like her in your life, if anything I owe Hyejung one for being there for you when I can’t.”

The talk was cut short when a patient of his appeared at the door. I didn’t think much of Hyejung then, I only knew her for a few months and all we did was text and hang out. I considered her a friend, someone I can lean on, someone I can talk to when I needed to escape my thoughts.

We spent time together in the first few months of our friendship. In February we went to Lotte World, Chanyeol was supposed to come but he had to do a root canal for an emergency patient. We went on rides, ate cotton candy and made footprints in the snow.

In March, she taught me how to make cupcakes at the coffee shop. We made a mess and after putting the pan in the oven, we sat on the steel tables and talked. I didn’t talk about the accident; instead, I made it a habit to talk about Hana. I was never ready to talk about what happened, it tore me up on the inside and it bothered me to hold everything in but that was the way things were.

“People often recall only the bad things, the bad memories that hurt them and that’s why they don’t like speaking about their bitter past. Maybe instead of holding on to the hurtful memories, remember the happy ones instead. What did your girlfriend like to do in her spare time? Where was your favorite date? Who said I love you first? Things like that… Maybe instead of thinking about the bad things, recall and reminisce about the times that made you happy.”

In April, I broke.

I left Chanyeol’s office and was about to leave when a speeding car going way too fast caught my attention. I stood there frozen, petrified, whatever you wanted to call it. There was a young college student on the other end who stumbled back when the car came to a screeching halt. She bowed and ran off in embarrassment impervious to everything before the driver, obviously intoxicated, screamed out slurs and garbles in his drunken mind.

No one had gotten hurt and everything was fine but I couldn’t move. I stood in the same spot for what felt like hours as an endless amount of strangers walked past me. My lips quivered and my hands were numb and shaky. The image of Hana passing right before me played in my head over and over again and her last words echoed in the back of my head as a constant reminder that she was alone during her last moments. I couldn’t do anything for her, I couldn’t hold her, I couldn’t be there for her, and she suffered until the very end in a room full of strangers who would forget her the next day.

Going through a panic attack in the middle of the street with strangers around me who didn’t care was hard. It was then when I thought that I was truly alone with no one left in the world to care and love me like Hana did.

“Kai!” I heard Hyejung’s voice from across the street but my vision was a blur. The loud city atmosphere screamed in my ear with its beeping cars and grunting buses.

She came to sight a few minutes later. “Hey Kai, everything okay? You’re shaking…” She said softly as she held my arms. “What…” Hyejung trailed off when she saw the sad, fragile gaze I held.

For a moment I thought Hana was in front of me, so I pulled her body into mine and hugged her close.

Hyejung was silent but she hugged me back. “Is everything okay?” She asked again.

I pulled away and frowned at her. Nothing’s okay. I couldn’t even begin to fathom why I hugged her but the next thing I knew, hot tears were running down my cheeks. “I…” My voice broke and I shook my head. “I saw her again.” I whispered. “I thought I …” I shook my head and looked down in shame as broken sentences slipped out.

“Kai, look at me…use your words, tell me what happened…” Hyejung said calmly. “Do you want to go to a quiet place? Or the hospital? You look really pale-“

“Please don’t take me to the hospital.” I suddenly pleaded. A part of me wanted to kick myself for saying that, how can a 25 year old man have a fear of cars and hospitals?

We were on the roof of the coffee shop again before I knew it. She stood by my side and waited until I was ready. Hyejung held my hand and swung it around; she did this often when I was anxious. She said it would distract me from the nefarious thoughts inside my head but to me, it was a symbol of reassurance because I knew she was there. Knowing that there was someone beside me when I wanted to disappear from the face of the earth was one of the most comforting feelings.

“Kai, talk to me.”

I looked down at her and blinked a few times, my tired eyes rimmed red as I sighed. “Can I really?”

“Tell me all about it; you’ve bottled up your feelings for too damn long.” Hyejung said. “Sometimes it feels better to tell someone else about your problems. I care about you, Kai. I hate seeing you sad.”

“I began dating Hana when I was 17.” I began. “I asked her out on Christmas in 1997 and when she said yes, I thought I was the luckiest guy. She was the only person in the world who called me Jongin. I sealed it off to someone special and she was the one. I’m not sure why I hated it when my relatives called me by my real name but when she said it, it sounded like music to my ears. I could never get mad at her, because a simple ‘Jongin’ would make me weak to my knees.” I mumbled.

I continued. “In 2000, when we were about to celebrate 3 years, I waited for her outside of a coffee shop. We talked on the phone even though she was across the street from me; we were two love sick birds then in our honeymoon phrase. Hana wore a pale pink coat that day, she looked so exhausted from all the nights she stayed up studying for finals and even then, she came out to see me. I told her to come when the light flicked green…”

Hyejung nodded along and squeezed my hand. “Then?”

“I heard it through the phone when it happened. There were so many people on the street…why did it have to be her?” I whispered. “I…I reached my arms out when she walked towards me and instead of holding her, I watched a car ram into her body. The paramedics wouldn’t let me onto the ambulance because I couldn’t prove that we were together.” My throat burned when I thought about what I did. “If only I was there…she wouldn’t have suffered alone… I regret everything I did that day because …Because…”

“Because?”

“She suffered in pain alone until the very end. I made promises that I couldn’t keep, she loved the snow and I said I’d bring her to Hokkaido, Japan where all the ski resorts were. I said we’d do all these things and- I can’t. One of the things she hated the most was broken promises, I think about it all the time.” I admitted.

“She loved you, Kai. Hana loved you to the moon and back and in the short years you spent with her, you made her happy. That’s all that matters. Forget everything else…Just know that she cherished you as much as you cherished her.” Hyejung stepped away and held her arms out. “Some people just need a hug and I think you’ve put it off for too long.”

I stepped into her arms and rested my jaw against the top of her head.

It took a few months but I realized that Hyejung was the one person who saved me from the world when I needed it the most. She was my rock, the one who was always there for me when I wanted to escape reality.

“It’s been 6 years since it happened, holding on to her won’t do you any good. It’s preventing you from seeing the future ahead, you’re turning a blind eye to the present days you have now. You can’t start a new chapter of your life if you keep on reading the old one.”

He chuckled and called me a liar. “Please, I know you want to see Hyejung.” He said as he pointed to the coffee shop across the street. “And you’ve been at her place before too? I see where things are going…”

I traced the indents of the sliver clipboard that rested on the front desk. The secretary ended her shift early and we were the last ones in the office. “I was just there to help her move things around.” I said. “She’s so meticulous…”

Chanyeol crossed his arms. “How?”

“She keeps her nail polishes color coated in a display that spins… Hyejung always keeps her bathroom door closed and can’t go to sleep without a cup of tea. She pays a lot of attention to those little details, it’s cute.”

“O-Oh? Cute? I think she’s okay looking-“

“Are you out of your mind? She’s beautiful.” I say. “Like-“

“Don’t.” Chanyeol held his hands up in defense. “Listen…I know it hurts to let go but sometimes, holding on hurts even more.”

I was at the coffee shop more often and our text messaging sprees turned into hour long calls that lasted through midnight into the next day.

Whenever she talked about the things she liked and had a passion for, she was so incredibly fluent and proud. Her voluble speech always came out when she talked about her degree in environmental science. She cared for the world and the animals to such a degree that it fascinated me how one person can be so selfless.

She said her father wanted her to be a teacher for a long time, because teachers got the same breaks as students did and that gifting someone the gift of education was the best thing you can give to a person. Hyejung spoke as if her parents put stars in the sky.

She was always happy and cheerful; I never would’ve thought that there had to be a painful reason behind it.

I should’ve noticed the warning signs early on; Hyejung was late to the fireworks which was unlike her. She was never late to anything, she never missed a single birthday, and she never missed a single text or a call.

On New Years, she missed all my calls and didn’t answer a single one of my messages. She wasn’t at the café even though the first day of the New Year was always the busiest. It worried me that something might’ve happened to her.

When I showed up at the café, the owner’s daughter just shrugged and furrowed her brows. “She’s not picking up my calls.” Nara said. Her father owned the shop and he was lenient when Hyejung didn’t show up to work for many reasons; they were best friends and Hyejung never took a break.

I put my phone in my pocket and run my fingers through my hair. “I…I think I have to go.” I say quietly.

Nara looks at me with her lips pressed into a firm line as if she desperately wants to tell me something, but she looks down and shakes her head. “If Hyejung is going through a hard time, if she’s going through hell will you bring her back?”

“W-What?”

She sighs and put her hands on the counter. “If Hyejung is going through hell and needs someone to be there for her, I hope to God you are that person.”

“What do you mean?”

Nara looked away. “After one year of knowing her, why don’t you know what I mean? Hyejung’s the one person who’s saved you from the world multiple times, has it ever come to you that maybe you need to be that person for her too?”

“I…I don’t know…what you’re talking about?”

Nara’s piercing gaze punctured through me like a knife.

“The saddest people are often the happiest around others because they know what it’s like to feel like .” Nara says bluntly, her words rippling through my heart like sharp crystals. “They worry for others and do everything they can to make sure the other person is happy because they know exactly what it feels like to be guilty. Hyejung’s world is a dark  place, she went out of her way to make sure that you were okay…From the very beginning I wished that you could do the same for her ever since the first time she told me about you.”

Fear and trepidation ran through my body as I got into a taxi. Hyejung’s making me do things I couldn’t do before and its odd how one person can make you do so much. As if I forgot that I hated cars, I gave the driver her address and waited in agony not because I was in a car, but because I was afraid that she might be alone somewhere in pain without letting anyone know.

She’s so happy…Hyejung’s always happy…

I ran up the steps to her penthouse and slammed my fists on the door. “Hyejung! Cha Hyejung!” When the store pushed open, I stood there outside in confusion. “Hye…jung…”

I walked into her house and looked around, the living room was vacant. Then I saw her at the end of a dim hallway, crouched down with her head buried in her hands. I walked slowly towards her. “Hyejung…”

I crouched down beside her and noticed how her hands dug into her arms. There were shattered photo frames by the bathroom door. I got up and pulled the door close before tapping her gently. “I know you hate it when the bathroom’s open…” I whispered softly. “Did you get hurt?”  

Hyejung looked up; I saw her tired eyes and empty soul. “Hey…” She whispered. “What are you doing here?” She stood up and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. The unhappy Hyejung concerned me because this was what she was like under her all her smiles, the real Hyejung was just as broken as I was, if not more.

I held her hands and eyed her from head to toe; making sure that there was not one scratch on her body. “Hyejung, why are you crying? Why…” My eyes trailed the pieces of broken glass on the floor. I stared at the pictures on the walls and scrutinized the one that was resting, shattered on the floor. Then it hit me; there were only pictures baby pictures of Hyejung and her parents.

I pulled her close to me and silently rocked her side to side. “Hyejung, what happened…to your parents?” I asked.

“They passed away when I was 6.” She whispered. “And I…It was my entire fault.”

I rested my cheek against her temple. It’s my turn to remind you that I’m here. “How so?”

“My father got diagnosed with melanoma when I was 4 years old. He got the treatment and the surgeries and on my 5^th birthday, he left the hospital cancer free. But he relapsed shortly and when I was 6 years old, he was getting treatment again. The radiation affected other parts of his body.”

She held onto my shoulder and rested her head on my chest; she trembled as she told her story. I felt like an idiot, Hyejung was suffering the entire time and I had no idea. I was so selfish and only thought about myself, I never knew she was just as tired as I was. I felt as if my problems were suddenly insignificant.

“He lost all of his hair and he had to wear a hat all the time.” Hyejung whimpered. “His body rejected all forms of nutrients even though he needed it; my dad always threw up his food in the bathroom. He kept the door closed because he didn’t want us to know about it. One day, the bathroom door was cracked open and I was home. He was vomiting violently and when I walked pass, all I could do was …” Her voice broke. “I recoiled and I said “Ew, gross…”. He had such a dejected look in his eyes; he looked so depressed and worn out and sorry that he was sick even though it wasn’t his fault. That night he got admitted into the hospital and was never discharged… If I never discouraged him that day maybe he wouldn’t have…”

I shook my head and hugged her close to me. “Hyejung…Cha Hyejung…” I whispered softly. “It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong. You were a child…you were young and naïve. You didn’t know better.”

“A few months after my dad passed, my mom …she got diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer. While she was in the hospital all I did was complain that she couldn’t take me. I was jealous of all the other kids who had mothers, who were always at the parks playing while I was stuck at the hospital. She didn’t have long at all and all she did was apologize for leaving me but I never took it. I still nagged and complained until the day she died.”

I nodded. “It’s okay to feel that way, but just know that it is not your fault.”

“I feel like …Every time I think about them, all the mistakes I made drown me. The neighborhood kids lampooned me after the rumors spread, they told me that I was the reason why my parents weren’t alive and that I killed them.”

I pulled away and ran my thumbs under her eyes. So that’s why you think you’re responsible for everyone’s happiness. “Is that why you always keep the bathroom door closed?” I ask softly.

She nods and holds onto my wrist. “Don’t tell anyone…”

“Never.”

“I can’t go in cars…”

“That’s okay.”

“I hate hospitals.”

“That’s okay.”

 “Coffee shops make me feel uncomfortable.”

“That’s fine too.”

She was one of the most patient and accepting people I’ve ever met. I don’t know if I could call it love yet but I liked her.

I’m not sure if you can call it a relationship but…

We hugged.

We kissed.

We laughed.

We slept in each other’s arms.

We began the day with forehead kisses and ended the day with our limbs tangled.

We told each other everything.

We were watching a sappy soap opera when she showed me the picture.

“Will you be here even if this is true?” She asked.

I read the note on the back; Hyejung’s mother had written it before framing the picture. I flipped the picture over and nodded. “Always.”

Cervical cancer ran in her family amongst females, it was hereditary and it meant that Hyejung had a 50/50 chance of encountering it in her life. It killed her mother, her grandmother and her aunt. Despite the odds, it didn’t bother me, I told myself I’d stay by her side no matter what because that’s what she did for me.

She never got cervical cancer.

On my 30^th birthday, she surprised me with a new photo frame. It was an ultrasound of our babies. She said she was having twins and I swore in that moment, I thought we were infinite. A couple months down the line, I learned that we were having one boy and one girl. We went with Hyejin Kim for our little girl and Jonghyun Kim for our little boy. I was truly happy then, the happiest I’ve been in a long time. They were born towards the end of the year which was also a special time for Hyejung and I. Hyejin was born on December 31^st, 2010 and Jonghyun on January 1^st, 2011.

Over the years, Hana became a memory. To me, she was someone I spent a few years with in the past. She was someone who taught me a lot of things, someone who gave me joy even though it was for a short time. She was someone I once loved.

Hyejung’s ironic twist in fate took everyone by surprise. Cervical cancer was hereditary in her family but she didn’t get it, instead she got diagnosed with melanoma in 2014. Watching her battle such a harsh disease was one of the hardest things for me to go through. Watching her deteriorate slowly and being able to do nothing bothered me; I resented the world at one point. What amazed me the most was how optimistic she was even though she was dying. The infection spread to parts of her brain, her speech slurred and she soon stopped functioning at but she never forgot to remind us that she loved us every day.

In 2015, Hyejung left us.

I didn’t mourn and hold on her death. I wondered why it had to be her but I didn’t shatter into shambles again. Hyejung fixed me; she put me back to together piece by piece over the years. She taught me that it wasn’t weak to be weak and that even the strongest people cry. She taught me to let go of the past.

She left me with the greatest gift in the world; a carbon copy of herself and a little me.

Most importantly, she reminded me that letting go was better than holding on because a new chapter of your life would never start if you keep on rereading the old one.

You don't drown by falling into the water...you drown by staying there.