You were mine, at least I thought you were...

Prior to debut you were mine. Nobody could deny that. Despite everything we went through, you were still mine. 

Then I debuted in Super Junior along with Heechul hyung and Eunhyuk hyung. I didn't want to let you go, but I had to. It was for the best. Besides, we'd be together again some day.

Super Junior's first award for 'U', you were there watching us. You were in the crowd and I smiled when I saw you and you smiled back. You of all girls saw me cry when we received the award, when I mentioned my deceased father. You comforted me back stage, for you knew how close my father was to me, to us. He supported both of us with our careers. He always told me, "Yah, Jessica's a keeper."

Two years later it was your turn to debut. However, you faced a handful of antis. You were the most hated in the group because a picture leaked out that you were with me. I remember watching you cry in the practice, but you never let them phase you. You took their comments to work harder. That's why you were among the hyung's favorite, your devotion.

Lucky for me, I got to see you more. You're group, SNSD, was considered the female version of Super Junior. We did a CF together and boy, was I glad to work with you. On the set, you smiled happily. You didn't look like you were distracted with the media's interpretation of us. I loved you for that. Luckily for me, I had the opportunity to stand next you when we did group shots. I could feel my heart pounding when I laid my arm across your shoulders. Was it awkward? Of course not. I was happy to stand next you. Though, my face came out a bit awkward when the picture printed but overall, I was happy I got to take the picture with you.

That was the last CF we got to do together in that year. Was I bummed? Yeah I was, especially since soon after our promotion times took us away from each other. Super Junior stayed on hiatus while you guys took over the music station. With Kyuhyun's accident our album was pushed back to release in the end of the year. Unfortunately again, we didn't get to promote along side each other. Even at the Golden Disk awards, we stayed distant. It wasn't like us to do so. I guess we were both tired. I wanted to be next to you again...

I guess my prayers were answered when SME put me in the 'Kissing You' mv. You had no idea how ecstatic I was. I called you first and we discussed what poses we wanted to do during the music video shoot. To my surprise, you suggested we do a heart. I never thought, after everything, you'd be the one to say, "Oppa let's do a heart!" and blush after saying it. I couldn't stop smiling. Let me tell you, even after all the girls, working with you was to die for. I remember seeing your face when I did scenes with the other girls. I tried to make myself distant as possible so you wouldn't get mad but the producer suggested that I be paired up with Tiffany alone. I felt a bit sad inside but you reassured me with your smile, "It's okay, oppa. We can still do the heart in our scene." This gave me strength to finish up my scene with Tiffany as fast as possible so I could be with you. 

Super Junior again went on hiatus but we split up into subgroups. I was separated into Super Junior-M which meant I had to go to China to promote Suju songs. I was hesitant to agree, but my manager was forceful and so I had to go. I watched one last performance of Kissing You before my plane. You were worn out by the dance and immediately pushed me aside to get your water. Violent Sica. You smiled when you realized who you pushed and immediately bowed. I remember laughing. "Oppa, what are you doing here?" you said. I told you it was the last day I'm staying in Korea since SJM was promoting in China. You seemed sad at first, and hesitantly said, "Oh well I'm happy for you, oppa," in your lovely voice. I then told you I wanted to spend my last day with you and your face immediately lighted up. That night, I finally asked you to be my gf again. "Yess oppa, a thousands times yes!" you cheered. 

Being away from you in China was hard at first. We talked on the phone every night and webcammed whenever we could. I made Eunhyuk check up on you every now and then since I couldn't see your face. By the end of the year, SJM promotions were finally done and I could go back home to my SIca. Boarding the plane, I couldn't wait to see you again. I made sure to go straight to the office since that is where I find you most of the time. You and SNSD were practicing the routine for Gee~ I checked in and to my surprise, the first one to jump all over me was you! The ice Princess has melted since I was gone. "Sica you chopped off your hair!" I exclaimed as I ran my fingers through but stopped at the shoulders. "I know, do you like it?" you said shyly. I laughed, "You look like an octopus," which made you blush. "Sica unnie looks like an octopus!" Yoona and Sooyong chimed in. Everyone laughed. It was one of those days I want to relive. 

Then in March, Super Junior was finally able to interact with SNSD's promotion when we came out with Sorry, Sorry. You guys had won your 9th award on Music Bank. I remember that moment perfectly. You guys rejoiced and I came over and tapped you on the shoulder. You turned and immediately turned into violent Sica. I was happy for you. You worked your off to get to where you are right now. 

Then you guys ended promotion again! Why does SME keep doing this to us? I want to be able to collaborate with my Sica. And then again, as soon as our promotions ended, SNSD had their comeback with "Genie" It was a never ending cycle. I never got to see you after because you always had other schedules to attend, and so did I. Before you knew it, it was the end of the year again and we started to grow further apart. Then SME decides Super Junior isn't enough for SNSD so they decided to send you guys off with 2PM. Trust me, I was very pissed. I stormed into the office asking them why they would do so. They're answer? "We like SNSD x 2PM better" I was infuriated. "It's okay oppa, we're together and that's all that matters," you reassured me. I tried to be okay with it, but in the back of my mind I kept doubting. I didn't like it. Eunhyuk often times had to tame me back so I couldn't smash the screen. "Chill, Hae. It's just for looks," he tried to assure me. Whatever, looks or not. No one touches Sica.

By the next year, I guess SME answered my call and put us together for SPAO. Can I just point it how natural we look together? We're made for each other. "When I'm next to Donghae oppa, it's never awkward," you told the media. 

From then on, our schedules conflicted with each other. I was busy with Super Junior and you were busy with SNSD. Our relationship faded. Calling every night turned into calling once a month. Meeting at the office every week turned into meeting when we had to rehearse for comebacks. Our relationship just wasn't the same. The distance between us was dragging us apart. I received a text in the middle of night from manager hyung. "Donghae, Jessica's manager just called me to tell you to end things with her. It is working anymore." At that moment my heart shattered. I didn't think it had gone this far until he said those words. "Hello Donghae?" he said still on the phone. "Yeah okay, that's fine." I replied. From that moment on, i knew it was going to be different. I couldn't face you anymore. My whole perspective took a 360. I went from wanting to see you everyday to wanting to avoid you and stay as far as possible. I knew the closer I was to you, the more I would begin to feel the agony, so I stayed distant from you. Though, it was hard at first but I managed to pull through. I occupied myself with Eunhyuk. There were times where I could tell you purposely coming close to me. I walked away to avoid eye contact. I'll admit though, I do tend to glance over at you every once and a while. I couldn't help it if pretty Sica was close to me. It suddenly became this war of cold glances and no words. Our communication was indirect towards each other. Suddenly our relationship was based on empty spaces.

I had heard from Tiffany that you had sang the song "Almost" at your concert for me. I came to watch with Heechul hyung and I couldn't hold back my tears. I had to leave before anyone saw I was there. I wrote the song "Y" for you on the Mr. SImple album. It was a response to your song. I gave SNSD the demo cd and never heard back from you. Eunhyuk tried telling me that you didn't like it, but I knew the reason you didn't reply because you knew the song was about you. You knew where you went wrong... 

By that time, my life seemed pretty empty. The person who made me happy had her own life. I needed to move on, I mean you did with Taecyeon. I knew there was somebody going on after that CF with 2PM. I was right from the start. Eunhyuk became closer to you as well, During Love Letter, I saw you hang around him more than any other member. I felt betrayed. Though, you addressed that the Taecyeon rumors weren't true, I immediately started to suspect you and Eunhyuk. Because of this, Eunhyuk also became distant from me. He began hanging with Kyuhyun more. During an interview, they were to describe the type of girl i preferred. They were both wrong. They didn't know who I liked anymore. "I like cold girls." which stunned Eunhyuk. I knew that caught him by surprise considering he began to stutter to the next line. As the months passed, I watched as people grew closer to you. I became depressed. One thing I couldn't stand: being alone. I know I have my ELFs and my members, but I didn't have my girl.

A miracle happened during MAMA 2011. During the entire award ceremony, you sat in front while I sat in the back with Eunhyuk. I occasionally glanced over  watching what you would do next. I saw you laugh which made me smile. You were happy. At that point I realized, I shouldn't be pessimistic about this anymore, I needed to be happy for you. I needed to be happy for myself. As much as I wanted to punch Eunhyuk in the face when I saw you walking towards him during the artist's performance, I held my posture. When they announced you guys won "artist of the year" I smiled at the members with occasional high fives, then it was your turn. We saw the iciness in each others eyes. We knew this couldn't go on forever. To my surprise, you were the first to hold out your hand and smiled. At that point, our hands touched and we both didn't want to let go, but Sunny pushed along. The handshake wasn't just a shake to me. I embraced this moment for as long as I could. Inside I was content because we were finally able to acknowledge each other again. Eunhyuk sat next to me after congratulating the girls and saw that I was still staring at my hand. "You're welcome," he smirked. I realized he what he had done, and smiled. That handshake made all the empty spaces between me and you disappear. For once in a long time, I felt alive again.