3,070 words

 

Lu Han's apartment is cold, too cold actually. He'd turned the air off this morning to save on electricity. Now he's practically suffering from frostbite as he blasts the small window unit, creating the exact opposite effect. His boyfriend prefers it cold, and Jongin is supposed to arrive in--Lu Han checks the clock above the oven--ten minutes. He needs to hurry and make his place tidy, but he hasn't been home all day, and he's tired of standing up. His legs just need a moment to rest and he hasn't cleaned the toilet in maybe three weeks. It's the life of a college student, yes, but Lu Han is twenty-six, behind in life, and behind in school. Nothing ever goes the way he plans, and plans are important when he lives check to check working hard to pay tuition. On top of that, his apartment is a disaster, and Jongin just doesn't deserve this kind of greeting.

 

He hears the keys when they enter the lock. Jongin puts his shoulder to the frame and opens the door violently.

 

"Hey!" Lu Han calls, sighing internally. "Just, give me a second. I have to scrub the toilet."

 

He slinks into the bathroom door just as Jongin replies, "The toilet? Okay, then."

 

Lu Han emerges a few minutes later, red-faced from the exertion. He cradles his hand from where the toilet seat fell shut on his pinky and tries to be happy when he looks at Jongin.

 

"Hey," he says.

 

Jongin paces around the room, and Lu Han only realizes why a second later. "Oh, sorry, yeah. There are no places to sit. Laundry, sorry, I meant to get it done yesterday."

 

Jongin smiles anyways. "That's okay."

 

Jongin never seems to get upset at anything, and that absolutely baffles Lu Han. He's not like that at all, almost ever.

 

"How was your day?" Jongin asks.

 

Lu Han shrugs. "It was , the usual."

 

For the next few minutes he leads Jongin away from the subject of his day, asks Jongin more about his day, anything to keep from thinking about his life as a first class failure. It's always been his theory: talk about Jongin, praise Jongin, fawn over the pseudo-glamorous lifestyle he's sure Jongin has always lived. His boyfriend is twenty years old and right on track with how most college students live. He has a dorm room with a fellow junior, a decent car, pocket money for food that's not out of the cafeteria, great grades, and he's almost sure to be accepted into law school. Even better is that his uncle is a lawyer with his own firm and has already offered him an internship as soon as Jongin's ready. Lu Han tries not to think about this as Jongin holds open the passenger side door, laughing at his own gallant gesture before sweeping them off to dinner. They skip dessert even though Luhan's still hungry and split the bill. Lu Han can't afford to pay for it, and he won't let Jongin either.

 

To anyone else, they're just two guys out on a date. They match in height and looks, they smile and laugh, hold hands and kiss. They're both in college, and they met in a department store staff room. After that, however, the similarities end. Jongin is a baby compared to Lu Han. He's six years younger and already better situated to conquer life, whereas Lu Han struggles daily to make his rent, takes barely two classes a semester because that's all he can afford, and he has no idea where he's going or what he's going to do. He's also Jongin's boss and assistant manager, but only because he's been working his non-glamorous job at Macy's for going on five years. His co-workers are penniless eighteen-year-olds and middle-aged mothers working extra for their children's college careers. Lu Han's the only mid-twenties guy with no future to speak of, or at least one that he can yet see.

 

Jongin had no reason to like him, to hit on him, or to press him up against a store room wall when nobody was looking. Jongin should have kept on going and never given Lu Han a second look.

 

"What's a kid like you hanging around a bum like me?"

 

"Why are you always asking me questions like this? All I see is your y , and sassy mouth. Shut up now and moan for me."

 

Somehow, as Lu Han plants his knees and elbows onto the bed, mouth drooling onto his soon-to-be-soiled sheets, he doubts he's the kind of boy a guy like Jongin would take home to his mother.

 

'Mom, dad? Meet my boyfriend. He flunked out of college the first time he went, but now he works odd jobs, is the assistant manager in men's wear, and oh, by the way--is it okay if I just support him the rest of the days of our lives?'

 

At least he cleaned his toilet before they went out earlier. It gives him something sparkling to sit on later while he pretends to take a shower.

 

He should break up with him; it's in everyone's best interest. If Lu Han has to field one more call from his mom via his sister about why he has a younger boyfriend taking up his time, he's going to burst. His sister Kahi already judges him for being that one person in the family who doesn't have his together. She and her boring husband invite him dutifully to dinner at least once a week, and he watches football with Siwon because that's how men are supposed to bond. He plays with baby Joy because that's what an uncle is supposed to do, and he doesn't give a about business or whatever it is Siwon is always trying to talk him into. It's not like he's even pursuing a degree in theater or art. He's not a struggling musician. He's absolutely no poet. He just wants a degree in something that will give him some credentials and hopefully hired by some other place than Macy's during the winter holiday season.

 

He takes a lightning fast shower and comes out in pajama pants with a towel still around his head.

 

"You okay?" Jongin surprises him by wrapping into his side. Even his clothes feel cool against Lu Han's tingling warm skin. He shivers as his body temperature acclimates to the frigid room. Jongin burrows closer and drags him back off to the bed. "I was worried," he murmurs into his ear.

 

"Worried about what?"

 

Jongin has already thrown a cleanish blanket over the comforter. He pulls them both into its cocoon and kisses him softly.

 

"You were in there for a while. What's the matter? Was I too rough? Was I--I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so--"

 

"No, no, nothing like that. I was just... thinking."

 

Jongin pauses mid-kiss, wet lips against the side of his neck. "Thinking about what?"

 

This is dangerous territory. He doesn't want to admit that Jongin makes him sad. Even being with Jongin makes him upset, thinking about every place in their lives where Lu Han diverged. Where Jongin is the perfect specimen, a great son, a good brother and he loves dogs, Lu Han is barely hanging on by a thread. Jongin should be with somebody his equal, not wasting his time with Lu Han in his cheap one room apartment chasing ual gratification when that's basically all Lu Han has to give.

 

He thinks vaguely about his mother and how she accuses him of having no self-worth. Funnily enough, he never felt it so dearly than when she would say it. It's true though. He knows this as well as he knows that he's no good for Jongin and he wants to break up.

 

"I want to break up."

 

Jongin doesn't kiss him again. Instead there's a long silence before he says, "What?"

 

Lu Han wriggles onto his side facing away from Jongin. He doesn't move to get up because he's cold and Jongin is keeping him warm, but he definitely doesn't want to look him in the eye right now.

 

"You heard me," he mumbles.

 

"I... I think I didn't understand though. Did you... say we should break up?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Why."

 

"Because, why not?"

 

Jongin tries to turn him around, but Lu Han curls up into a little ball. "Okay, now I really know I don't understand. What, Luhan... what are you talking about? I don't get it."

 

Lu Han groans. He doesn't want to talk about it, he really doesn't. He just wants Jongin to leave him alone so that he can wallow in peace and not feel so guilty about being a twenty-something year old nobody with no pathway in life.

 

"Just... go away." His voice probably sounds pitiful, but he doesn't care.

 

"We just had twenty minutes ago. I'm not going anywhere until you explain what this is, and why?"

 

At least Jongin sounds about as angry as Lu Han feels inside. It's the opening he needs to let off some of his steam. He flings the blanket off his torso and huffs, one hand covering his face as he squints and writhes.

 

"Jongin, don't you know you're just wasting your time with me?"

 

"I'm... what?"

 

"You deserve someone better. Let's face it. In a year, two years from now, you'll be somewhere else in the country working towards your career, everything going your way, and you won't need me, a deadbeat almost 30-year old hanging around your neck still."

 

He stares at the ceiling because that's better than looking at Jongin.

 

"I don't..."

 

"And in the meantime," Lu Han interrupts, "there's just no reason for you to date me. I'll just feel bad. I'll feel bad later. I feel bad now, so why keep this up, huh? Let's break up."

 

"Wait, why do you feel bad?" Jongin asks incredulously.

 

"Because I'm not good enough for you!" Lu Han shrieks.

 

He chances one look, one long, sad look. Confusion stares back at him.

 

"Is this... this isn't about my age, right? Tell me it's not."

 

"It is! Partially. Your age, your life, your family. Everything. Your car, your grades, your dogs."

 

"What? What about my dogs?"

 

"I don't like dogs."

 

It sounds petulant, but that's all Lu Han has.

 

"You're breaking up with me because I like dogs and you don't?"

 

"Yes. See, we're not compatible."

 

He expects Jongin to respond, to fight back, say something. Anything really would be good. At the very least he should get up and leave because Lu Han's being too ridiculous. He shuts his eyes and waits for it.

 

He's still waiting for it thirty seconds later, but all he feels is Jongin sigh. Then his boyfriend--is he still his boyfriend?--sinks back onto the blanket. Their sides touch, sharing warmth. It makes Lu Han vaguely uncomfortable now given all that he's said, but everything is awkward. He doesn't want to move and break the spell. It's Jongin's turn to move anyways.

 

"Lu Han," he says. It's been maybe five minutes.

 

He doesn't answer. He doesn't even open his eyes.

 

Another minute passes before Jongin says his name again. This time he adds an endearment. It's soft, sweet. Painful.

 

"Lu Han... babe. Please, talk to me?"

 

They've dated now for perhaps six months. It shouldn't be long enough for a deep attachment. It shouldn't...

 

"Do you love me, Jongin?"

 

He knows he's caught him off guard when Jongin gasps. "I..."

 

"You don't know, right? You don't know if you love me yet. I don't know either. That's why it's good to stop this now. I don't want to... I don't want--"

 

"Lu Han, be quiet a sec, please?"

 

Jongin is twenty years old, six years younger than Lu Han, but in this moment he sounds so much older, so very mature. So Lu Han stays quiet.

 

"I think I understand... kind of. Lu Han, I think you have this perspective about me, and it's partially wrong. It may be a lot wrong, actually, now that I think about it."

 

Lu Han gulps but he stays silent.

 

"You see me as a kid first, right? I'm younger, I have more friends. I go to school full-time and I don't also have to work full-time. I talk to my mom every day and I go home every other weekend. We're not wealthy but we're well-off and my uncle is a lawyer. It's everything that you don't have, and I think you see us in those terms: opposites. Am I right?"

 

Lu Han hums softly, eyes still closed.

 

"Why though, do you judge us by only those material terms?"

 

"What?"

 

"You said I was too good for you. What does that have to do with anything? What does my actual life have to do with me liking you?"

 

He tries to roll away again, anything to hide how his eyes are starting to burn, threatening to cry. He gets as far as Jongin holding onto his arm and both of them shift until Jongin is hugging him from behind.

 

"It's because I'm not worth it--"

 

"Who's not worth it. You? You are."

 

He isn't though. Lu Han isn't worth it. He's made a mess of his life. He used to have such dreams, ideals, a standard in which to live and grow. He should have known reality was harder to deal with than in stories and books. Somewhere in this mess of a pigsty he has a diary riddled with plans he meant to undertake. He knew what he was doing, where he was going, where he would live, what kind of job he wanted, how he was going to be happy and make the best of life. Somewhere along the way though the plans fell through, and so too went his 'making the best' mentality. He doesn't want to the life out of Jongin just to reclaim what he's lost.

 

"I'm not leaving you if that's the only reason you want me to go," Jongin says. "So what about your circumstances or mine? So what if things change for us in the future?"

 

Lu Han cries now. He can't help it.

 

"Don't you know that people are different? We take different paths. Some different than what we expected. Did you know that my grandmother's neighbor gave me her car? Or that my dad has trouble looking me in the eye because I'm gay?"

 

Lu Han shifts, asking, "What?"

 

"When you see me, I look all put together, right? I'm not. I'm just as much as mess as you. I work hard to keep my scholarship because I don't want my parents to take it out of my sister's funds. My mother cries every time she sees me. She promises that next time, next time, maybe my dad will be a little better, that he's adjusting. Did you know that I wanted to be a dancer once? It was my dream, but I broke my knee when I was fifteen years old and it never healed properly enough to dance professionally."

 

"You told me about your knee," Lu Han sniffs. "But not about..."

 

"I'm not perfect. I'm not. And I don't know what's going to happen with either my career or us. I don't know if my uncle will give me a job someday or if my dad will rub off on him first. I don't know if I'd be even capable of doing that kind of work. If I'm smart enough or qualified. I don't know... if we'll fall in love or be in love forever, but Lu Han, we can't... we can't give up like this. Okay?"

 

Above them a ceiling fan whirrs loudly, and the temperature of the room hits at officially freezing. Lu Han shivers and pulls his blanket up over his shoulders and over his wet hair. He doesn't mind at all now when Jongin curls even closer around him and warms him up that way. Somewhere though, in the next couple of minutes he whispers, "Okay," so that Jongin doesn't leave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two years are long time, especially when Lu Han remembers how he used to be before. He's fast approaching thirty and still hopelessly behind in life. Instead of be it, however, he laughs. His niece is three years old, and she squeals delightedly when Lu Han flies her around like an airplane. From the other room his sister scolds him, but there's no bitterness to her voice. He slips Joy onto the floor next to her dollhouse and sprints through the kitchen.

 

"Bye, sis. I should be home around five if that interview goes well."

 

"Did you pick up your laundry out of the bathroom this time? You know I'm not your mother in his house. I'll cook, but I refuse to wash your underwear as well--"

 

"I got it. I got it." He didn't really, but he has no time to stop. It's Friday and his brother-in-law gets home early on Friday. If he doesn't want to be guilt-tripped into going to a golf tournament with him tomorrow, Lu Han needs to run out fast.

 

"Just be home in time to babysit, please? I'll make you breakfast tomorrow, promise!"

 

It's just Lu Han's luck that he has to stay home and watch his niece on a Friday night so his sister can go on a rare date with her husband. On the other hand, he has nothing to do anyways.

 

"I work tomorrow morning," he grumbles jovially.

 

There's one new message on his phone from Jongin. They broke up four months ago when Jongin got accepted into law school. Lu Han refused to be the one to hold him back, but it also wasn't a bad separation. He misses him, but he's not defined by him. Somethings don't work out forever. This is just one of them.

 

Good luck today and fighting!

 

Lu Han sends him a sad smily in return, knowing Jongin will know that he's laughing.

 

The corridor he's sent to wait in before the interview is sparse, a bit chilling. He's nervous of course and half the applicants look about a decade younger than he is. Maybe this company isn't hiring nervous almost-thirty-year-olds, but Lu Han has to try. He smiles at the guy sitting next to him, absolutely sure the kid is a baby compared to him.

 

"I'm Lu Han." He offers his hand.

 

"Nice to meet you. I'm Minseok."