“Kwang Soo ah, you need to try harder if you want to survive the variety world.” That’s what the PD always said to me every time we ended Running Man. I don’t really understand what he meant though. What else should I be?

          I know I was quiet and passive before. But, I’ve improved myself. I mean, I’m a framer now and, Ji Hyo nona and Jong Kook hyung were always my victims. So, I was wondering… what did the PD meant?

Lie…

---

           Time for a new episode to be recorded. And again, the PD asked me to do more. Does that mean, more active in the games or… be better in framing people? To be honest, I don’t really like framing people. It’s just that, well, it doesn’t feel like me… I mean, lying is the last thing I want to do. But the PD kept insisting me on something I don’t understand.

Deceive…

           I kept hearing voices whenever the PD encouraged me. It started when Haha hyung betrayed our team to help Jong Kook. It was a painful thing, but afterwards, the PD seems to like what just happened. It added drama to the episode, they say. Ever since, I kept hearing voices that made me uncomfortable. Voices that told me that if I want to survive the cold variety world, I need to be way out of my character.

Betray

---

           “Guess what, Kwang Soo ssi? The fans love your betraying side. Looks like you’re finally made a mark. Keep up the good work!”

           What good can come from that? I felt bad whenever I tear the other member’s nametag once I gained their trust. I felt terrible whenever I lied or, say something that deceived the other members and guest. I want to stop!

Don’t stop…

---

          It’s been three years since I started deceiving people. Ever word that came from my mouth whenever we’re recording will be total nonsenses! I want to stop, but when I stop, the rating suddenly decreases. I hate doing this. But, I don’t want to let the whole crew and member feel down because of me. What should I do?

You’re doing fine. Don’t stop deceiving them…

---

          “Kwang Soo is a jerk for betraying his teammates.”

          “That Gilin really need to be thought a lesson for his stupid actions.”

           “I hope that in the next episode, the Tiger can strangle him to death for betraying him too much.”

         Stop it! That’s mostly the responses I get from the fans. I can’t even rest in peace whenever I hang out anywhere. Some of them understand, while some of them would start harassing me and some of them just, won’t leave me alone. Do they think I like doing that? I don’t like doing that!

Don’t lie. You actually like it.

---

      It’s been years since Running Man started. I decided to slow down a bit on the betraying thingy. But I still can’t help myself but saying nonsenses. Not just that, the fans were asking why haven’t I be betraying nowadays.

        The truth is, I want to stop doing that! I almost ruined my friendship with Gary hyung thanks to always betraying him. I got a lot of bite marks from Ji Hyo nona thanks to being a disturber. Jong Kook hyung’s knee is getting worst thanks to my mischief.

       I felt so bad about myself. I just, hate it! Jae Suk hyung said it’s okay as long as I don’t act the same way when the camera’s off. All of the members know how I really act. It is hard to satisfy everyone, isn’t it? I tried ignoring all those negative feedbacks, but whenever I tried to sleep, those things came haunting me that it kept me awake sometimes.

            Sometimes, it haunt me so bad that I found myself crying on my bed just thinking about it. I would cry for hours that it wet my blankets and pillows and even the mattress. If I couldn’t take it much longer, I would ring Jong Kook hyung and started complaining, even when it’s still three in the morning.

          Jong Kook hyung would just listen to my complaints without a single objection. When I caught myself sniffing, he would try his best to cheer me up, saying everything will be fine. But what can?

---

          “Oh, Kwang Soo ah, there you are! We have been looking everywhere for you.” A voice startled me when I was weeping in the toilet. It turned out that it was Haha hyung, the first betrayer in the Running Man history. He must have noticed how red my eyes were because he suddenly came to my side with a worried look on his face.

          “Ya, Kwang Soo ah, is something wrong? Are you sick or something? Why are you suddenly crying?” he said, pulling out a piece of tissue and gave it to me.

         I thanked him as I took the tissue and started wiping my wet cheeks. “I’m okay hyung. Don’t worry.” I sniffed. “Are we going to resume the shoot now?”

         “Well, yeah. That’s why I was looking for you. Everyone already gathered. Dry those tears away and come back as soon as possible, okay? I’ll tell the PD that you needed some time.” He said, turning his back and headed to the door.

          I hesitated, but I quickly called him. Luckily, he stopped as he was about to step out of the door. I quickly dried my cheeks and skipped towards him who was looking at me with a faint smile on his face.

           “Hyung… Can I ask you something?” I said, totally unconfident of myself.

            He looked at me, waiting for my question.”

            “What… What do you think about deceiving? I mean… Doesn’t the fan critic you or anything but…”

          “This is about the responses you’re getting, isn’t it?” he guessed. I only nodded. He stayed silent for a while before saying. “You know what, Kwang Soo ah? I’m just like you during my first year.” He paused.

         “I don’t really know what to do… I tried doing nonsenses things like, you know, acting… Things… Boy, did the audiences hate it…” he laughed. “Variety can get cold sometimes. But at the same time, it helps us to grow ourselves, if you know what I meant…”

           Clearly, I don’t really understand. But I do get what he meant, I think.

          “Kwang Soo ah, so what if you’re a deceiver in Running Man? There are times that you showed how kind and sweet you are, right? It’s not like we don’t know the real you. Just ignore those who refused to understand.”

          Haha hyung only smiled as he left. I remained rooted on the same spot, thinking on what I should do next. He has a point though. Why should I be worried over something like this? My deceiving side is just fake. What I should worry about is being myself. I felt silly for a while…

---

“So… you’re not going to lie afterwards?”

“Well, just for a few occasions on Running Man.”

“Not worried that you might won’t survive long?”

“Why should I? I am just a newbie in the industry. I still have my acting career to focus on besides variety.”

“Promise that you won’t regret this?”

“Why should I regret about it?”

Author’s note : For those who still thinks Kwang Soo is a jerk. You need to understand how cruel variety could get just because of the fans sometimes…

p/s:: About Running Gajok... I'm terribly sorry... I felt discouraged for some reason... Don't worry... I'm rewriting the latest chapter... It'll be up once I had a good internet connection...