TWO

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It was my third year of high school already.

In my third year, I could finally make friends with the whole class.

While my friendship with Sunyoung was good, sometimes there would be a fight (like last time on Victoria’s birthday party) or an argument between us both but we made up fast like old times.

But she still could get under my skin, testing my patience. Sometimes, she could be really distant and we didn’t talk for the whole day or maybe once or twice. Sometimes, she was the crazy and best friend she was towards me. I meant, she’s Sunyoung. She’s unpredictable.

She said I was a moody person, true. But so was she. Sometimes, she could be so unpredictable that I was scared I might do or say something to make her angry. After I knew how strange her behavior towards me, I had been restless. I had been nothing but thinking of my actions and words toward her. I had been nothing but thinking why she like this in one point and like that in another.

She still left me behind when she went out with Yeri or Seulgi. At a matter of time, I learnt to accept and let her be that way. If she didn’t want me to be with her, fine. If she didn’t want to talk things with me, fine. I wouldn’t force her around. I would let myself sit quietly until she needed me or came to me by herself.

That doesn’t mean I was totally okay. Sometimes classmates questioned her absence just because they thought Sunyoung and I were best friend, we should stick to one another all the time. Well, at first I thought of that too, but, nah.

“Where is Sunyoung?”

“Why isn’t she with you?”

“Why don’t you have your lunch with Sunyoung?”

I always force a tight smile and answered them with:

“I don’t know.”

“Why should I stick with her all the time?”

When my tongue rolled on the answers smoothy I couldn’t help but notice the bitterness in it. I wonder what were my classmates thinking when I answered it. Did they hear the bitterness? Did they think of how weird my friendship with Sunyoung?

I was grateful to make friends with the whole class already. Because of them, my loneliness of Sunyoung’s neglect was bearable. I hung out with one to another and I was relieved and glad at the same time that they could accept me.

 

At some point, I found myself close with Wendy and Sooyoung who sat next to Yeri and Sunyoung’s desk. Then, Yeri and Sunyoung got close with both of them to in some time. I thought that I was pretty close with Wendy and Sooyoung but eventually it seemed that Yeri and Sunyoung was the one who got closer with Wendy and Sooyoung than I. I was sad at the sight.

Maybe it was because their desk was just right about next to each other while mine was in front of Yeri and Sunyoung. They could talk with each other easier than I was. When my ears listened to their chat and jokes which I didn’t understand, my face turned bleak. I always took a deep breath before I let it all out and calmed myself in attempt to take out all the dread feelings in my chest. At the same time though, I couldn’t help myself to think, “She took Wendy and Sooyoung.”

 

My tears start to dry up. I don’t bother to take a tissue and just run my hand over my face, wiping the remaining tears and snot off. I breathe in through my mouth because of my runny nose. My eyes feel heavy and swollen. I don’t need to get up and look myself in the mirror to know how wrecked I am with two giant and swollen red eyes, red nose, and wet cheeks.

I press my lips tightly when I think back to the day we ended our friendship. It is like with no words needed, both of us just ended it with nothing to say. I am actually furious at the thought how easily she just gave up on me. She didn’t try or do anything.

I can’t help myself thinking that maybe she had wanted to end our friendship in the earlier times.

An exhausted sigh came out from my mouth when I feel tears start to build up again in the corner of my eyes. I lie myself down and tears roll down at the same time.

 

We, Sunyoung, Amber, and I, were gossiping in the group of f(x) we made in the instant message application. Victoria and Jinri were no trace of living in the group. I forgot what we were gossiping but I remember Sunyoung sent a picture of her capture in the group. I opened it and the first thing I noticed was a notification of Jinki’s reply that got captured accidentally.

I remember I grinned mischievously as I typed something to .

Jung Soojung : well, you don’t have to brag about Jinki.

Amber Liu : Who is Jinki?! New boy?

Park Sunyoung : OMG. I didn’t realize it!

I remember I could still laugh at her clumsiness. Lee Jinki was Sunyoung and my class’ photographer when we took a trip. At some point, they were having dinner and Sunyoung –purposely or not— revealed it by snapping a video and posted it on her stories Snapchat. Ever since then, Wendy and Sooyoung always with Jinki. I did ask about whether something was going on with her and Jinki but she said that he was just a friend. I believed in her and never questioned again. I knew Sunyoung. She was quiet popular with boys and sometimes she hung out with boys even if just the two of them. It was common for her and me. But not Wendy and Sooyoung, they always with Jinki whenever they had the chance. Sometimes, I feared that Sunyoung would get emotional because of that but surprisingly she never snapped –which was a relief.

Jung Soojung : LOL. Be careful. It’s a good thing you never make this mistake with Wendy and Sooyoung.

Jung Soojung : If not, you’re DOOMED.

Park Sunyoung : There’s nothing going on between Jinki and I.

Jung Soojung : I know. I just said that to be careful.

To be honest, I have forgotten most of our chat. I only remember some fractions of it. I know that what trigger us apart is my teasing of Lee Jinki and Sunyoung’s strange reaction towards it. Suddenly, she just dropped the boom without any notice and confronted me. Saying something that I always said without thinking other’s feelings; that like one time I hurt Seulgi’s feelings and made her cried. I was shocked at the news. I have made somebody cried because of my words?

I knew and everyone knew I had sharp tongue and I knew my words hurt people’s feelings but all of those were just jokes and I had never truly meant any of them. Usually, my friends wouldn’t take a second thought of my sharp tongue. That’s just who I was, they would think.

But to think that my sharp tongue had finally caused pain and brought tears to a dear friend, I was devastated and guilty. Not to mention I didn’t have any memories that I had ever said anything mean to Seulgi that could make her cry.

Sunyoung told me when we were still in second year, I said to Seulgi that she was not creative and she cried but I didn’t know. It was new to me no matter how long it had passed. I started to think was it because of myself that everyone had turned their back to me? All this time I thought what a bad friend they were but actually it was me who was the one with the problem.

I felt an enormous guilt in my stomach when I knew that I had hurt someone unexpectedly and most surprisingly, I’d made them cried. I cried and blamed myself at that time. I cried so hard and for hours because my tears just wouldn’t stop. Trying to call and reach Seulgi, I apologized of my words, which had hurt her, over and over. I said sorry to her countless times and explained myself that I had never meant my words and sorry again because I didn’t even remember a single piece of that time. She said she was okay already and had forgotten about it if it wasn’t for me. I knew she had forgiven me but I hadn’t forgiven myself. I could never! The thought that I had cruelly hurt someone and made someone shed tears was unbearable for me; what’s worse was I didn’t have any recollection of it.

 

The next day, I woke up early to do something to my swollen eyes before I went to school. I kept my gaze down as I walked towards my class. I didn’t dare to talk or look at Seulgi who was my seatmate for a time. I avoided Sunyoung, too. Seulgi might have forgiven me but I hadn’t forgiven myself. I stayed quiet and only talked when it was necessary.

I remember when my friends who sat in front of me noticed something was weird with me.

“There’s something off about you,” she said.

I glanced at Seulgi. I knew she was listening but she didn’t say anything.

“What is it?” I pretend to ask, forcing a smile in addition.

“Your eyes look weird, today,” the other one said.

They said my eyes look weird, it due to my cry last night, I knew. But they couldn’t guess that I had cried last night, so I thought that maybe my eyes didn’t as swollen as it was this morning. Which was good because I didn’t like to explain myself to friends who I friend with for only six months.

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That sad moment when you can feel you and your best friend slowly drifting apart.