The movie she was watching with her husband was horror, she swore, but the fact that its contents were more towards romance and humour had her annoyed. They were 45 minutes into the movie but not for once something scary appeared. Nayoung turned to her husband, with a frown.

“I thought this is a horror movie.” Vernon didn’t even glance at her, eyes glued to the big square box called television. He only nodded to her statement.

“Hansol Vernon Chwe,” she called him by his full name, only to earn another nod from him. Her eyes took a slight glance on the movie – it was kissing scene. Passionate one.

“Vernon.” Again, he nodded.

“Oh My God, can you not? I’m getting impatient here.” When she was about to stand from the couch, the fair-skinned man turned to her, with a “What?” She raised her eyebrows at him, mad.

“You rather watch a stupid kissing scene than respond to me? How dare you!” The man chuckled, which basically added fuel to the fire.

“Aw, is my baby jealous? I’m sorry.” His deep voice laced with guilt quickly calmed her anger down. He smoothly pulled her hand in his and squeezed it gently. “What is it?” He rested his head on her shoulder, inhaling her elegant scent of Gucci perfume.

“I’m bored,” Nayoung answered with a pout. “And you don’t even respond to me when I need you. I’m hurt.” Vernon’s lips curved upwards into a sweet smile. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it gently, mouthing sorry again and again.

It was just another night they could spend together, since both of them were really busy with work. Nayoung was an anaesthetist while Vernon was a model, the famous one, for being mixed and probably for looking a lot like Leornado DiCaprio. They didn’t really have that much time to be together, but when they did, they made sure it was worth it – well, except tonight. It was Vernon’s idea though, to watch a horror movie, which turned out to be mostly romance and humour.

“So, what do you want to do?” Vernon asked bluntly, having no idea. Nayoung rolled her eyes at how amazingly boring her husband was, and she even questioned herself why did she chose him in the first place. Then, a brilliant idea came into her mind – pillow talk!

“Pillow talk, please?” She fixed her pleading puppy eyes on him, hoping he would agree, since he wasn’t really the type to like deep conversations. Vernon looked uneasy but as if Genie granted her wish, he nodded very slowly. Nayoung smiled from ear-to-ear, as she took two soft pillows and handed one to him, not knowing what that conversation could lead them into.

--

It was half past 12 midnight, and the couple was still wide-awake as they found themselves deep into the conversation.

“The house feels lonely, isn’t it?” Nayoung asked the mixed guy beside her. But really, it was more to a statement rather than a question. Vernon just shrugged. He let out a heavy sigh before she could even continue her words.

“We tried. A couple of times. They just didn’t work.” He sounded so calm that it hurt her. It was as if he didn’t want any kids, as if he gave up already. She stared at him in disbelief, lips forming a thin line, heart beating fast in anger.

“So, you’re saying that we shouldn’t try again?” She tried to control her anger but she failed. Her fingers brushed her medium-length wavy hair, sighing. “You shouldn’t sound so cool, okay, Vernon? We’ll try again. If it doesn’t work out, then, we’ll think of something else,” she stated.

“How about we just see the doctor? Let’s not waste our time trying if you want a kid so bad,” Vernon suggested, but somehow the suggestion sounded very wrong to her.  It was as if he didn’t care at all.

“Okay.”

--

That was it. He was completely done. When Nayoung tried to calm him down, he backed away. When she tried to talk to him, he ran away. She was too good for him; she had always been out of his reach. A lady, too fragile to be broken, and maybe a little too nice to receive this cruel fact – that he is infertile. She had always wanted to have kids of her own, but with him as her husband, seemed like she would never get to have it her way. It was impossible for them to have a child together, let alone children.

“Come on, Vernon. You can’t give her what she wants. Why do you still want to be with her while you can’t give her happiness?” the devil inside him provoked, following with an evil chuckle.

“You don’t deserve her,” the devil added, “Let her go.”

Vernon pressed the brake a little too sudden, causing the car to came into a halt. Nayoung beside him was shell-shocked, before quickly relieved for putting on the seatbelt.

“What the hell, Vernon?” she asked in surprise, turning to him as she got herself out of the seatbelt. He looked breathless, as if he didn’t get enough oxygen. His face was as pale as ever, lips trembling in anger. She could see how strong he grip was on the steering, making her flinched a bit. Slowly, very slowly, she tried to approach him. Just when her hand about to land on his thigh, his hand held hers tightly that it hurt her.

“I’m…” he stuttered, “not good enough for you.”

Vernon looked down, his brown eyes welling his hot tears which in any moment could roll down his pale cheeks. Nayoung paused, looking at him in disbelief.

“Baby,” she spoke, releasing her hand from his grip, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” She cupped his face with her two small hands, making him look at her right in the eyes. “Well, aside my parents, of course,” she added, following with a chuckle.

“She’s just lying!” the evil voice inside him screamed, hoping to be heard.

“I don’t care about it, okay? Kids just don’t matter to me anymore.” She tried to plaster a smile but tears were quick to roll down her cheeks. Sure, every married couple wanted to have kids together – it was their ultimate goal, and apparently, it used to be Nayoung and Vernon’s goal too. Too bad life just didn’t want them to.

“But you have always wanted to have one, bragging about it ever since we’re married.” Vernon’s voice was deep, laced with sorrow. No, Vernon, it wasn’t your fault, she thought to herself.

“Look, baby, who the hell cares if we don’t have kids?” She caressed his short brown hair before adding, “It’s you who matters to me. Nothing else matters, not even kids.” His eyes looked down again.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed hard, unable to hold in the sadness inside him, “I’m really sorry.” Nayoung held him in her arms, sobbing too.

She hated herself for being so eager for kids. Everything would have been okay if she never wanted to have kids so badly. Most important of all, she really hated herself for not being able to console her husband in times like this. She was the one at fault, not him, it was never him. She was to be blamed.

--

Nayoung’s POV

Dear Diary,

This week is absolutely the worst ever.

Remember when we met Mingyu, my fellow colleague at hospital, mostly known for his good look, for check-up last week? The test result came out and what else do you expect? Even though it explained why I had never been pregnant, it was still . Really. I mean like, yeah it answered my million-dollar question but who the hell would be happy to know you could never get kids? Although it wasn’t basically my fault…

My feelings at that time?

Depressed. Sad. Heartbroken. Mad. Every freaking negative feeling that ever existed in this world. Yes, it was that hurt. You know that feeling when you plan a proposal in perfect details for years, only to be dumped by your boss? It felt that way, only million times worse.

At first, I was damn mad. I was mad at how the problem started with Vernon. I was mad at how Vernon looked damn calm when he heard the news. I was mad at how Vernon hugged me when I was sobbing right when the news approached me. I was especially mad when Vernon whispered “I’m sorry” so softly in my ears. But my mother’s words hit me – no matter what happens, you should always stick with your husband, even when the world is against him. That was when I realized how stupid I was to be mad at him. He must’ve been through a lot because Vernon I’m in love with is so fragile inside, but tends to appear tough to make people believe he’s alright.

For three days, he avoided me. When I wanted to talk, he would make up stupid excuses. When I wanted to spend some quality time together, he would busy himself with his work. Until the fourth day, he just had enough. He apologized many times that I lost count, saying that it was his fault, that he didn’t deserve me. Hmm… Stupid Vernon, he deserves all of me yet he doesn’t see it.

I was the one at fault. If I wasn’t so eager about having kids, this would never happen. I should’ve just enjoyed my relationship with Vernon, not expecting more from him. I was so stupid. I realized my fault now but it was too late. I wish I weren’t that stupid.

--

Nayoung found herself staring at her phone placed on her table, which was a little unorganised. The phone still hadn’t rang for once, which was absolutely rare. Vernon would always call her for lunch, but today, surprisingly, he didn’t. He didn’t answer her calls either. Her ears caught the sound of the clock ticking, which literally made her annoyed. She plastered a smile and assured herself that he was just busy with the photoshoot, or maybe he just forgot. Just when she was about to stand on her feet, someone knocked the door. She looked up as the door was opened, revealing a tall handsome man clad in a black shirt and denim jeans, with a sweet smile wore on his face. Her lips immediately curled into a smile at the sight of him.

“Doctor Mingyu,” she addressed him formally with a nod. “What’s wrong?” She added, eyes tracing him up and down. His white long jacket that he had always wore was missing, which literally meant that he was either going out for lunch or he just came back from lunch.

“I’m about to go for lunch when I see you here. So, maybe, you want to join me?”

“Oh, no thanks. My husband should be here any minute,” she politely refused, unknowingly biting her bottom lip. He replied with a smile, “It’s 30 minutes past lunchtime. Are you sure he’s gonna come?” Nayoung searched for answers in his eyes for a while before grabbing her Gucci handbag.

“Yeay! It’s an honour,” Dr. Mingyu playfully said as he winked at her. Oh God, if she hadn’t have a husband, she swore she would’ve been in love with this guy.

“Sure, but the lunch is on you.”

--

The music played in the background was Vernon’s favourite song, First Love by After School and it had been playing for hours. The night was unusually boring that Nayoung fell asleep on the couch, waiting for her husband. It had been a few days since Vernon acted really weird around her. He didn’t send her to work as usual, he didn’t call her for lunch, he didn’t pick her up from work, he didn’t come home early even though Nayoung reminded him that she would end her shift early, and most importantly, he didn’t talk to her that much anymore. They grew distant. Calls were rather short and less frequent. What happened to them, she had no idea. She never got the chance for heart-to-heart talk with him anymore.

It was 12.45 in the morning when Vernon came home, looking as miserable as ever. His hair was damn messy and he smelled of smoke. He headed straight to his bedroom, only to find the bed empty. He smiled to himself for making Nayoung waiting for him. He went to the living room and saw Nayoung sleeping soundly on the couch. Without wasting any time, he picked her up bridal style and put her on the bed. He then gave her a peck on her forehead, apologizing again and again, caressing her brown hair in return. He didn’t know what had gotten into him but he was really sure that he wasn’t his usual self. Changing into pyjamas, he just noticed the music played from the living room.

“Can you be more obvious that you’re bored, baby?” He asked her as he lay beside her, quickly closing his eyes. It had been a rough week for him, and maybe for her too. He just needed some rest from the cruel world.

--

Nayoung woke up right at 5.45 in the morning with heavy breathing. She had a vision that Vernon would someday leave her – sure, it was a nightmare – but it felt so real that tears welled in her eyes. Unable to hold in her feelings, she cried and sobbed with a hand covering , to muffle the noise as she didn’t want to wake Vernon up. The guy beside her stirred in his sleep before finally opened his eyes, only to see her crying. He quickly held her in his secure arms.

“What’s wrong?” His deep morning voice asked her as he tightened the hug. “Are you okay?” He wiped her hot tears away.

“Tell me.”

Nayoung bit her bottom lip to stop herself from sobbing. When she finally calmed down a bit, she looked at him in his eyes.

“You- You left me.” In instant, hot tears rolled down her cheeks again. “You told me you couldn’t go through this.” She sobbed hard, fists holding the hem of her shirt tightly.

“You told me to find someone else,” she added in a low tone, feeling breathless.  

“You freaking told me to find someone else, Vernon.” This time, it was louder.

“SOMEONE ELSE!” She yelled in her sobs. Vernon, on the other hand, was speechless. The nightmare was so true that he couldn’t say anything, not even comfort words for her. He was lost in his thoughts.

“Vernon,” she called him, “Tell me it’s not true.”

His eyes darted everywhere but her. His lips formed a thin line. He was embarrassed that the nightmare was true. So true, indeed, that he couldn’t deny anything.

“Vernon,” she called him again. “Look at me.”

Vernon looked straight in her eyes. Oh how he missed those beautiful brown eyes. Those eyes that calmed him down when he was stressed with work. Those eyes that made him smile when he was sad. Those eyes that made him feel as if he was in heaven. And of course, those eyes that made him fall for her all over again every time he saw them.

And right this moment, he was in love again. Right this moment, he never wanted to let her go. He just realized how bad he needed her in his life.

“I love you.” His lips curled into a smile as he kissed her.

“I promise I will never let you go.”