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The Definition of Home

written by gwanshim

This review covers Prelude:Only fools fall  through Chapter 2: Bend and break

 

Title: 10/10

In my opinion the name of your story is one of the best things in it. Regarding my research, it is not-over used among other stories. And the part I like about the title the most is how reference to “home” goes to boys’ relationship-when the only place they can find their own home is into each other. It gives me a really warm feeling in my chest.

 Plot: 29/35

       4/5: Originality

Highschool!au story with confused main characters, who can’t fully describe their feelings to each other or who can’t to say about it out loud- is one of the most often used genre in fanfiction, but I can see that you worked really hard with every little detail in it, as a result giving it your own distinctive feature and making it different from other stories in this genre.

         10/10: Believability

Situations which are described in the story we can witness in our ordinary life. I can understand characters’ actions and can easily imagine how it happens.   

       8/10: Narration

In my opinion you try too hard to make this story too angsty where actually it shouldn’t be like this. I like that you use third person point of view. Taking into account all the tags you listed in the description, I can see how you tried to show some of them in your story, but try to pay attention how to develop relationship between Minghao and Junhui more, because eventually it is the basis for the your entire story.   

       7/10: Setting

You describe unnecessary things way too much. For example, only in the prelude you have mentioned the color of boys’ hair at least 4 times. And it was only a one scene. The same thing is with all story overall. As a result there is too much text and nothing really happens- your chapters are really long but still I do not see there any development of the story.  You don’t have to concentrate so much on the things which are not new information anymore or which is not so important for the plot.

 Characterization: 30/35

       7/10: Development

What your story really lacks is explanation of changes in Minghao’s personality. It was mentioned several times in the story that he changed for the past half of the year. Like his grades decreased drastically- in the past he got grades, which were even better than Junhui’s. But now he doesn’t even care. So what was the reason for such changes in his attitude? Because it really looks like that he changed a lot judging by how his friends and teachers are concerned. But reviewing your story I took into account that story still is ongoing so in the future we might see explanation for it. As well I hope that in your next chapters you will show Junhui’s personality’s changes as well, because at this moment while development of your story is quite slow we can see what the person he is at this moment, but we don’t know what the person he was in the past or what the person he might be in the future. I also hope that we will see in the future chapters what is the meaning of the other characters in this story more specifically (for example their friends).

       5/5: Presentation

You have described both main characters and their friends were well – as a person who actually doesn’t know how do 17teen members look, you gave such a full explanation, that I could easily imagine them in my mind. As well you gave a really good explanation to their personalities. But as I mentioned before try not to concentrate on that in every single chapter.  

       10/10: Diversity

Every character in your story has their own individuality, their own inner world with different problems in it. If you show that every person in your story has their own goal of being there, it will highlight their diversity as well.

       8/10: Purpose

As both Minghao and Junhui are main characters, Junhui is somehow lost in the other’s shadow-we can only see what kind of person he is during his interaction with Minghao. Sometimes it looks likes that Junhui is the character of this story only for illustrating Minghao’s feeling to him. You showed some interaction between main characters and their friends as well but it is not enough to evaluate on the point of the two written chapters whether their appearance have any influence on the development of the story or not.   

 Writing Style (15/20)

       8/10: Spelling/Grammar

You do have some spelling mistakes in your stories-it is hard for me to tell whether it was because of inattention or any other reason. For example, when you use wrong word – like you used “then”, when you actually have to use “than”, or when you miss some word like here: “Hey, hands off (of) my underwear Jun” (2^nd ch.). You do have some grammar mistakes, when you used wrong forms of verb too, for example here: “…push him away though - there’s still students around” (2^nd ch). You also used italic for some words to highlight their meaning in specific scenes; however in some parts it was unnecessary. But overall I was very pleased, because your writing language is very strong.  

        5/5: Consistency

You have your own unique style of writing, which makes you different from other authors and you are able to save it through your entire story.

       2/5: Flow

The only thing which was really confusing for me from the very beginning of the story is what you wanted to tell to your readers with the prelude. What was the meaning of including it in the story? I do not see any connection between the prelude and the main story. It is like the independent chapter which was ripped out somewhere from the middle of the story. As well you didn’t show how boys became more than just friends. I had a feeling that several chapters were missing in the beginning. If they were boyfriends-it would be OK. But they are not and that left me with the big question – when did it start?

 

 Total Score: 84/100

This story is not finished yet but I think that it can have a great future. You are really a good writer, just try to remember and understand what was your primary idea of the story-what did you really wanted to show to your readers with it. May be you should have your chapters shorter than they are or try to make some development in the story already. I don’t know whether you pictured in your mind what would be the end of your story already or not but try to focus on it-the only thing you need is try to find a best direction to reach it.