Taeyeon POV

“Unni, I didn’t see Taeyeon Unni move at all since she lies down on that couch. Is she ok?” I heard our maknea’s voice close to me. I didn’t bother replying because I am too tired to even open my eyes right now. Besides I feel like heaven because my girlfriend is running her fingers through my hair and kiss my forehead from time to time.

“Ya! My Taengoo is too tired from all dancing and singing. Leave her alone”

That’s my girl.

 I felt corners of lips curved upward as I try to suppress my smile.

“Unniii! No need to scold. I was just joking” I can imagine Seohyun pouts at her.

“So when is the after party?” I can hear Sooyoung shouts from far away. Maybe she is changing clothes.

 We are in our dorm at Japan relaxing after our last concert, Fantasia. My girlfriend decided to make a surprise visit to cheer me up. She sneaked in to my room yesterday at midnight and snuggled up to me. At first I was startled because I didn’t expect to see her. When I asked to come she said she is busy preparing for her album and I didn’t want to bother her even though I was sad. But as soon as I saw her face I felt like all my worries and tiredness I felt because of practices and performing on stage fades away. I know it sounds cheesy, but that’s what I really felt the moment she looked at me and smiled.

“In two hours I think. Manager Oppa said he’ll come at 10.30pm”             

Hmmm I hummed and I opened my eyes trying to get up from my position when I saw she leaned forward trying to kiss my forehead again. Since she has her eyes closed she didn’t see me. I lift up a bit and moved my head. Just like I thought she kissed on my lips instead forehead, but as soon as her lips met mine she gasped and I took that opportunity to deepen the kiss.

But I knew we don’t have a lot of time until…

“Ok love birds, enough with PDA. Move your asses and get ready for the party”               

Yeah. Your guess is correct. My so called sisters LOVE to interrupt our moments.

I sighed before leaned back. I heard she growl and she looked really upset because of the interruption.

“Can’t I just kill them, Taengoo?” She pouts at me.                                                  

Did I tell you that I love when she pout?                                                                                             

“Don’t kill them yet, Sooyeon. Remember they are our friends. Besides let’s take revenge later?” I whispered grinning. I tucked hair behind her ear and gave a peck on her lips.

She grinned back and I can tell she is thinking of ways to punish them.

You won’t even know what happen to you, guys

I stood up taking her hand and walked toward the bathroom.

“ya! Don’t take next 2 hours to wash ok? We need to go on time” Yuri shouted behind us emphasizing the word “wash”. I groaned but decided to let it go since I am in a good mood and I don’t have time to argue with them. But she flipped the bird at Yul earning laughter from other members.

“You got yourself a wild girl, Tae” Tiffany said still laughing. We entered our room and closed the door. 

“They have no idea” I whispered in my girlfriend’s ear while she dragged me toward the bathroom.                       

1 year ago

I am walking down the street covering my face with a mask and wearing a gray hoodie. No one seems to recognize me or they are busy with preparations for New Year. Whatever reason is I am thankful that no one approached me, because I am not in a mood for fan service right now.

Since last year, walking on street at night became my way of relieving stress. At first I didn’t leave my room to even eat. Our members banned me from watching TV or reading online articles or SNS because all I do is cry when I read comments. But Tiffany convinced me nothing can change if I starve and get ill and our only solution is to wait until she realized our intentions. Every moment I argue myself to justify what I did is right. Logically that was the best thing to do, but my heart doesn’t seem to accept it. Because every single day I think about her and regret the decision of letting her go.

I can’t even remember walking along the Cheonggyecheon Stream until I came to Cheonggyecheon bridges. It was not crowded like usual because it’s New Year’s Eve. I sat in a corner.

How pathetic I am to spend New Year’s Eve walking alone like this. I meet thousands of people every year when I go on stage but still I don’t have anyone to celebrate New Year with.

It’s your own fault, Taeyeon. They asked to stay with you or even to go with them to spend time with their parents. You are the one that pushed them away.

I don’t want their pity. I know they are dying to meet their family and spend only free day they can have. I don't want to be a third wheel.

I sighed and leaned back on the wall and I closed my eyes as my mind drifted back to 2 weeks back.

Flashback

I stayed outside of huge wooden door for more than 15 minutes debating if I should go in or walk back.

Taeyeon-ah, it took months to even think about coming here. Now don’t give up.

I silently muttered “hwaiting” and knocked on the door.

“Come in” I heard her voice faintly through the door. This is the first time I hear her voice in months and I felt like my knees go weak. I took a deep breath again and opened the door slowly. I didn’t know what her reaction will be so I was cautious. But when I stepped inside I saw her back facing me. She turned her chair to face the window and her head is resting on headrest.

Ok, calm down Taeyeon-ah. Just talk to her

That’s easy for you to say

What’s there to lose? Besides you lived with her for years, why are you scared now?

 I walked toward her and saw she has her eyes closed. She looked so tired and I can tell she didn’t sleep well because she has bags under her eyes. I stared at her face until I heard…

“Are you going to stare at me all day or….”She asked turning toward me. But as soon as she saw my face she frozen for a moment and her eyes widen.

“Taeyeon?”  if it was another day I would laugh at her because her shocking face is hilarious. But within minute it changed in to sadness and then anger.

Oh oh!

“What the…. Who let you in? What are you doing here Ms. Kim? ” She asked raising an eyebrow. Her face is not showing any emotion.

“Sooyeon. I…”

“It’s ms. Jung for strangers. And you were saying?” She cut me off in the middle.

“I.. want to talk to you” I said looking down. I can’t even look at her face because I think I’ll cry.

“Oh now you want to talk huh? After kicking me out without any explanation. What is it about? Do you want to brag that you are all doing well without me? Or is there anything else that you want me to do huh?” I can tell she is hurt because no matter how harsh her words are still her voice quiver. She is trying so hard to hold back tears.

“You know that’s not true, Sooyeon. Please let me explain” I walked close to her but she stood up and holds her high signaling me to stop.

“What else you want to explain huh? I begged for you to let me do both, didn’t I? But you went behind my back and vote me out. Is that what you called friendship? Do you know how I felt when a ing man called me to tell that I am not a member of Girls Generation anymore? Is that how you treat a person that spends together for more than 10 years? We did everything together.  t was not you or any other member. It’s just a SM employee. You didn’t even have courtesy to tell it personally.  What the hell you expect me to do after that huh? Tell me Kim Taeyeon”

She is shouting loudly. But the she is clutching her chest and shaking while trying to hold back tears. It seems like she is physically hurt. It’s so saddening to see her pale face. I forgot her warning before and I walked up to her.

“Sooyeon…”

“Don’t you dare come near, Kim Taeyeon or I’ll call security” She said in her usual cold tone. I stopped in my tracks. Not because of what she said, but because of her eyes.

 Taeyeon can remember the first time she saw Jessica Jung. She met her as a trainee at SM Ent. They didn’t talk much but Taeyeon always looked for her every time she comes to practices. She didn’t even know what made her do that. Then they had to practice vocal training under same instructor which led to the beginning of their friendship. At that time she was so beautiful but she was a shy girl. What amazed Taeyeon were her eyes. It held so many emotions every time she looked at her. They were shining with determination when she tries hard to keep up with other trainees. Her gaze was sharp and steady when she performs on stage. It was warm and filled with love when she talks with people who are close to her or when she talks about her family and close friends. Even when Jessica looked tired that spark never died. She could stare at her for all day but she forced herself to forget about it and convinced herself it’s just a crush. She never acts upon her feelings and that’s part of a reason for all problems occurred recently.

At this moment her eyes were empty and it doesn’t have the usual spark.

“I am sorry…” I mumbled helplessly. I don’t know what else to say anymore. She doesn’t want to listen to me but what hurt me the most to know I am the reason for all her misery.

“Do you think a simple sorry can cover all the things you did? I… now I know I am a fool to think all of you as friends. Even you Taeyeon. I… I even lo…” She couldn’t complete that sentence and fell on to the floor like she doesn’t have enough strength. At that moment she broke down completely and cried. I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t care if she throw me out I walked to her and kneel beside her. Then slowly I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her to me. She didn’t resist and leaned against my chest.

“Why Taeyeon. Why did it?” She was mumbling while tears falling down her cheeks. I didn’t know what to do so I hugged her tightly while rock her back and forth.

“Shhh Sooyeon. Cry all you want. I know you want to let it all out. But please listen to me carefully. Don’t think even for a moment we did it to hurt you. We just wanted you to follow your dream without us holding you back. But I never thought they’ll make that decision so fast and even tell you before we talk to you. We were supposed to make that decision after that concert and after talking with you. But they suddenly called a meeting on 30^th and asked to give them an answer. We wanted to buy us time and tried to call you but you were busy with work. We never said we wanted you out. It was all their idea. But it’s true I wanted to let you go. Because…”

 I didn’t know if it’s the right time to tell the real reason so I opted to tell something close to it.

“Because I even though I wanted you to be with me, it didn’t feel right to make you sacrifices your dreams for the sake of my selfishness. Your happiness is precious than that”

She didn’t say anything for few minutes and I continued to caress her hair, waiting for her to stop crying. I felt her breathing become normal and she sniffled trying to calm herself I leaned back to look at her face. She was looking at her lap and I lift her head up and wiped her tears.

I hate to see you cry, Sooyeon but I think you needed to let it all out.

I promise I’ll never make you cry like that

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath trying to pull herself together.

I know she won’t give an answer now.

You did what you can, Taeyeon now it’s up to her

I stood up silently and walked to the door. But before I opened the door I turned back. I saw her still in the same position, but now she is staring at me in an expression that I couldn’t understand.

Was it sadness or something else?

“I don’t ask you to forgive us right away. But please at least think about what I said ok? Because I meant every word I said”

End of flashback

“You still have that habit of sleeping on unusual places, don’t you” I snapped open my eyes when I heard her voice so close to me.

It’s …. Her.

“Sooyeon…How you … when …” I closed my mouth when I realized I was blabbering. I couldn’t even say a complete sentence because I am overwhelmed with happiness. She was sitting next to me looking at the river. Her face still doesn’t show any emotion.

“I knew you come here whenever you want to be alone and I was here since the moment you close your eyes”

 What???

“oh god! You should have talk to me”

 “You looked relax and I didn’t have a heart to wake you”

Is that mean you forgive us?

Why she came to me when she can come to dorm and meet all?

Especially on 31^st night. People usually spend that time with family right?

Hundreds questions were running through my mind without answers. I am dying to ask all those questions but I know I shouldn’t rush to… mmm whatever we are going to have.

“You are doing that again”

“Huh?” I looked at her confused.

“You are staring at me and it’s…” she mumbled the last part. But I was too embarrassed myself to ask her again, so I quickly looked away and cleared my throat. I heard she chuckled.

Wait? what?

“You look cute when you blush you know” She said smirking.

“I know.. That’s why you fell for me in the first place, remember” I replied without thinking. It’s normal for us to banter like that.

“You are so full of yourself, Kim Taeyeon” She lift an eyebrow like asking “are you teasing me” and she is glaring at me. Her demeanor changed completely from happy to cold within seconds.

What the hell you just said Kim Taeyeon?                                                                                                                            

That’s when I remembered we are not friends anymore or at least she doesn’t think so.

It will never be the same again

I looked down trying not to cry in front of her. I was going to say sorry when she burst out laughing.

What the…

Is the laughing… at me?

I saw she clap her hands like a seal. Jessica Jung’s signature laugh.

“oh god! You are so easy to tease. I miss teasing you like that” She said while trying to hold back her laugh but burst out laugh again. Now it’s my turn to glare.

“You think that’s funny huh?” I smirked and she quickly stopped laughing.

“mmmm I .. I didn’t … Ya Kim Taeyeon” she shouts when I hugged her and tickle her sides. She lied back and I am partly on top of her.

“That’s the punishment, Sooyeon. You know that well” I said while ticking her and she is gasping for air because laughing so hard.

“w.. are in public Kim. Let me go” she said trying to get out. I stopped for a minute like I am thinking about it.

“Nah! I’ll take that risk tonight” I smirked and tickle her again earning her infamous dolphin scream.

“I… s..so..sorry.. Forgive me T..Taengoo” she finally said when I continued to tickle her. I was grinning like a kid because she finally called me by nickname.

“I need compensation then” I sat beside her, pulled her to me and showed her my cheek to kiss.

“Seriously Taengoo? How old are you again?”

“I don’t care. I just need my compensation”                                                         

She quickly kissed my cheek and when I look at her she is blushing furiously. I chuckled.

“You are living up to your name kid leader, you know”

“I have to. Fans gave me that name”

Again we fell silent and just looked at the stream. Our hands were touching and we were just content with each other’s presence.

“I… I thought about what you said, Taeyeon. Now I realize it’s not your fault. But I wish we could do it under better circumstances. That’s not what I had imagined when I first thought of leaving the group. But past it past. We can’t change it. I forgave you all long time ago even though I didn’t want to admit it. Because hating you was much easier and helps me to move on. At least that’s what I convinced myself. But the moment I saw you in my office I realized how stupid I am to even think of forgetting.  Just seeing you made me realized how much I missed you in few months. I am not saying that I don’t feel hurt anymore. It’s not that easy. But I want us to be like what we were before”

I didn’t interrupt her and wait until she finish. One reason is I wanted to know what her idea about us and another reason is I missed her voice. In the past when we were doing vocal training I would listen to her talk for hours. I am not a person with many words. I don’t know how to express myself. Sooyeon is like that too. But she at least tries to explain when she trusts someone.  

 “I know. We have all the time in the world to figure that out, Sooyeon. Staying like this is enough for me. I … I just miss you so much. Girls miss you too”

I took her hand slowly and intertwined our fingers then brought it to my lips. Before I kissed her hand before I stop myself.

You did not just do that, Kim Taeyeon

What the hell is wrong with you?

She just came to talk and you two are not even friends like before and you go and reveal your feelings? Likes seriously?

My heart beats so fast that I was scared that she could hear it and I can feel my forehead getting sweaty even though it’s cold tonight.

But what surprised me was she didn’t slap me or even retrieve her hand back. I slowly looked at her and saw she is blushing.

“I.. I am”

I was going to say sorry before a bell sound of a church interrupted her. It was midnight and the New Year. Words stuck on my throat when I saw she is leaning toward me. I thought she is going to hug me and I was going to reciprocate when I felt something soft touch my lips.

Dear god! Is that what I think it is?

Is she kissing me?

My mind went blank for a minute and I stopped breathing. I felt a shiver run through my back when she slowly moves her lips against mine. Without thinking I gasped and she took that opportunity to deepen the kiss. But it felt so natural like we kissed hundred times already. At that moment nothing else mattered and it’s like everything else disappeared around us and time stopped. I can only feel her lips, touch of her hands and her body pressed against mine. She s her left hand around my shoulder and her fingers touch the nape of my neck in a gentle caress. I can feel my heart races and a warm sensation spread through my body with every little touch. I don’t know how long we kissed but it must be minutes until we had to break apart to catch our breath. I pressed my forehead to her and we were both panting. I was in daze for few minutes trying to understand what has happened.

I know why I reciprocate the kiss and enjoyed every moment. But I knew the moment we stopped kissing she would make excuses or run away because she can’t explain why she did it. I can almost hear what she is thinking by seeing her expression change from excitement and happiness to embarrassment and worry.

“Before you say something please listen to this. Do you remember what I said when you ask why I vote you out?” She was confused and looked at me. But she nodded her head.

“It was only a small part of the reason why I had to let you go. The real reason is much deeper than that. I….” She opened her eyes and stare at me with tear filled eyes.

Are you really going to do it now?

I won’t get any other time

I took a deep breath

Here goes nothing.

“I let you go because I wanted you to be happy. Your happiness means everything to me because I love you so much. I tried everything to forget you the moment I realized I love you. I tried avoiding you and tried dating a guy but it just made me think of you more. I dreamt of having you by my side but when you said you wanted to start a business I realized your dreams are much more different than mine. And I never thought I’ll get a chance to confess because you never showed interest in me. So I just wanted to let you go so you can achieve your dream. I know this is not the best time to confess my feelings but I couldn’t take it anymore. Also I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to say all this, Sooyeon”

At this moment she is crying openly again.

! Did I say something to hurt her again?

But I was just…

“you pabo! Why didn’t you tell me before? Do you know how long I waited for you to confess? Do you know how hurt I was when you avoid me? I thought you don’t even think of me as a friend at that time”

Now it’s my turn to feel confuse.

Is she telling me what I think?

“Yes. I loved you since we were trainees too, Taengoo. Still I love you” She smiled even though tears falling. I stared at her trying to read her expression.

This is not a dream right?

Sooyeon is here and she is confessing.

A slow smile spread on my face when I realized everything is real and Sooyeon is finally mine. I leaned to her slowly and captured her lips with mine. Like I said before I am not good with words, so I pour all my feelings to the kiss, so she can realize how much she meant to me

Present time

“Why you even come here if you are not dancing, Tae” Hyo-yeon whine at me for the 100^th time. We came to after party to celebrate success of concert and Christmas. We only stay in Japan for today because we have to head back to Korea for our next schedules.

“Like I said I. AM.TIRED, you idiot” I grumbled and leaned back on the chair.

“Says the girl who showered for almost an hour until we threaten to drag you out” Sunny said emphasizing the word “showered” and grinned at me.

“When you are going to drop that teasing huh? We are not kids anymore, Sunkyu”

“Never! Let’s go Hyo. Leave this grumpy kid alone. She is just sulking because her girlfriend couldn’t come ”

“Whatever” I drank the drink I bought earlier and closed my eyes trying to take a nap when I felt someone sit beside me.

Aish this kid. When she will learn to leave me alone?

“Hyo. I am not in the mood” I said without opening my eyes when I felt that person leaned to me and put her head on my shoulder. As the familiar scent filled my nose and I smiled unconsciously.

 “When did you come here huh?” I whispered in her ear.

“The moment Sunny drag pouting Hyo away from my girlfriend”

“They are bullying me, Sooyeon. They ask to dance even when I am too tired” I pout and whine like a kid. Only she can bring this side of personality in me. I never open up to a person to act like that, not even other members. But whenever I am with her, I can be myself.

“I’ll punish them ok? Now let’s go” She quickly stood up and grabbed my hand.

“You want to dance?” My eyes widen when she dragged me to dance floor.

“Why not. It’s fun” She smirked and put her hands around my shoulders.

“Ya! Kim Taeyeon, you said you are tired. But now you can dance?” I can hear Sooyoung and Hyo-yeon shouting at me. But I decided to ignore them and enjoy the warmth and the feeling of her in my arms for this moment. We danced for few fast beat songs until DJ changed it to a slow romantic song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wCuyZkMZTw

A/N : This is one of my favourit song and I just thought it match 

I pulled her toward me and whispered/ sang the lyrics of the song in her ear while swaying slowly to the rhythm. When the song ends she stared at me and placed one hand on my cheek, gently caressing.

“I meant every word I said, Sooyeon. I love you”

Her eyes filled with tears as she leaned to me and just before our lips meet she whispered.

“I love you, Kim Taeyeon”