There were few times in our lives when we felt too tired to even think, to complain, to say even just a word. All we wanted to do was laying on the bed, sleeping and silently praying that we could sleep without a dream. Just to sleep and to forget everything. But it became harder because we knew it was impossible. Because we could never be able to sleep when many things run inside our mind.

                Tonight was one of those times for Taeyeon.

                Once she stepped inside her apartment, she found herself empty. As empty as her refrigerator. Not really empty since it was filled with few bottles of soju which would accompany her during her sleepless night for the past few years.

                Then again, she sighed knowing that herself wasn’t actually fully empty, because at the back of her mind, there were many memories she kept, she treasured, she bought back to her imagination. The memories which would be her dream once she was able to sleep after drinking too much alcohol. She scoffed at that thought. She was desperate and pathetic. Maybe she could be an actress, replacing Alice in a wonderland.

                She took off her shoes and stopped when she was about to turn the lights on.

                She regretted coming to this place.

                But she was tired. So she dragged herself towards the couch and sat while closing her eyes. Even in the darkness she could still what she was supposed to forget.

                They said home is where your heart is. Maybe it was included the broken one. So where was her home? She never had a home. She once lived with Mr. and Mrs. Kim until she went to college but it was not her home, it was theirs. Especially after her adoptive parents died in a car accident in her freshman year, she never came to the house again.

                There was only one place she called a home.

                A small apartment near her university whose balcony faced the west. A small apartment where she once lived with the person she loved the most in her life.

                Tiffany Hwang.

                She remembered how small that place was, too small to held a party with their hyperactive friends such as Sooyoung, Hyoyeon, Yuri or the chodding Yoona. But it was warm enough for her and Tiffany, especially when winter came. The small couch would fit them while they share a blanket in front of TV. It was home. Their shelter. Their place. And the balcony was facing the west.

                That was why she bought this apartment. Because its balcony faced the West, because Tiffany once said she loved watching the sunset from their old apartment’s balcony few years ago, because in that balcony they shared their first kiss at Christmas night, because in every morning they had been together, in that balcony Tiffany would embrace her after waking up and greeted her with her usual beauty.

                This apartment had many similliarities with their old place. As stupid as it may sound, Taeyeon bought this place because it was a true reminder of something she once had.

A home.

                It hurt her. It hurt to know that no matter how many times she tried to not think about it, she would always be back to the same spot again, to her true reason.

                Because she missed Tiffany so much till it hurt. Because she wanted her to know that even a very small thing always reminded Taeyeon of Tiffany.

                She cursed when a single drop of tears fell. She stood up and walked towards the kitchen. She took a bottle of soju and drank it quickly. The light from the balcony helped her. That was why she never wanted to switch the lights on. She didn’t want anyone to see her crying. Although she knew no one was here.

                “I am going crazy.” She mumbled.

Her true reason why she never wanted to come to her apartment was because that place reminded her of Tiffany. Because everytime Taeyeon opened the door, she would silently wish she would hear Tiffany approaching her, she would see Tiffany’s smile welcoming her at the front door.

The wishes that never happened how many times she prayed.