Chanyeol.

He still hears Baekhyun calling out for him. Chanyeol can’t seem to fall asleep – not when the sound of the clock ticking is too loud, ringing in his ears. Not when he feels like Baekhyun is right there beside him. Crying, laughing, calling out his name, screaming at him. He rubs his eyes, looking at the wall clock. Six in the morning. There’s a soft snore coming from Baekhyun’s side of the bed, but Chanyeol can’t bear to look at her anymore.

Somewhere in between three and four in the morning, Jinah came knocking on his door again. Crying, calling out his name, pleading to him. He only stood by the door, staring at her and recalling how he used to abandon his husband for her. Brought her into his house. Kissed her, touched her, laughed against her skin. He lied and betrayed on her behalf. As Jinah wept on his front door, Chanyeol felt the urge to vomit. He felt sick with himself. He invited her in, still. Guided her to the guestroom and didn’t say anything else.

Yet here she is, sleeping next to him in his room. She must’ve crept into the room while he was sleeping. He feels a bile coming up in his throat and he has to cover his mouth harshly to make it stop. Chanyeol stares at the woman once more, this time with tears suddenly b in his eyes. He can’t stay here anymore. Not when the sound of Baekhyun’s heartbroken cries are still repeating in his ears. Not when he can see Baekhyun’s shadow lurking at every corner he turns to.

He grabs his phone and wallet by the bed stand and puts on his long coat, giving the sleeping woman a final look before he walks out and slams the door to his car. There’s something tugging at his conscience but he shakes it away, driving off to find his husband. The one-hour drive to Baekhyun’s parents only feels like half a minute when he’s surrounded by so many thoughts and possibilities, not even noticing how the sun has appeared long ago.

His phone rings and vibrates on the passenger seat. Chanyeol glances at it to see Jinah’s number glaring at him along with the alarming ringtone. He shakes his head, trying to ignore the ringing of the phone and trying to focus on driving. More calls erupt the moment the other calls ended, with text messages clicking and clicking in, but none of them are about Baekhyun. He doesn’t bother.

He stops when he approaches the familiar house he sent Baekhyun to just yesterday, staring at the old woman gardening by the small grass in front of the gate. Her movements are slow and sullen, pulling out weeds with hands filled with soil. Chanyeol takes in a deep breath before he gets out of the car and approaches her. He takes note of his disheveled hair and swollen eyes, but he figures that it doesn’t matter.

“Excuse me,” he greets the woman hesitantly.

She turns to him with a surprised smile, wiping the dirt off her gloved hands. “Yes, how may I help you?”

“I…” his words drift off as he takes a look at the house. Baekhyun is possibly just in there, sleeping or having breakfast. Maybe he’s bonding with his father, or maybe he’s just taking a shower. “You must be Baekhyun’s mother.”

The woman seems startled for a while before she slowly nods. “I am.”

She doesn’t say anything else after, but the questioning glint in her eyes demand answers. He clears his throat, bowing to her with much respect, his hands shaking and his heart thumping, but he feels like it isn’t enough. Chanyeol is struck with guilt and overwhelming regret once again, and before he knows it, he’s kneeling on the ground, close to tears.

“My name is Park Chanyeol,” he says in a quiet voice. “Baekhyun’s husband.”

The man who took this woman’s son away. Hurt him and betrayed him to an unspeakable extent. She acknowledges his presence with a quiet hum. Chanyeol keeps his gaze planted on the soiled ground, silently begging for forgiveness on her feet.

“Five years of a marriage and not once have I ever seen your face.” She speaks the truth, looking disappointed and slightly happy all at once. “Stand up, dear. Come inside.”

Chanyeol shakes his head multiple times. “I don’t deserve your welcoming warmth, Mrs Byun.”

“If you’re here to see Baekhyun, he’s not here.” She says, making him look at her in shock. “You can wait for him inside. He said he’ll come back.”

With the help of her shaky hand, he stands up from the ground. “But… where did he go?”

“He promised he’ll come back. Don’t worry, dear.” She replies, but doesn’t exactly answer his question. “I’ve waited for him for years, I can bear waiting for a few hours.”

He can’t be alone, Chanyeol wants to argue. Where is he?

“Baekhyun’s father went to work, so you’re safe.” She laughs slightly, but Chanyeol can’t bring himself to say a few words. “Come, let’s wait for him inside.”

“No, Mrs Byun, wait,” he stops her. “I can’t. I need to find him.”

“Don’t you worry, he’s with a friend,” she says. “That man promised he’ll bring Baekhyun back—”

“He doesn’t have friends!” Chanyeol finally exclaims exasperatedly, startling both the woman and himself with his loud tone. This time, he speaks softer. “I… I didn’t allow him to have any…”

With that, the woman stops moving. She turns to carefully look at Chanyeol now – the husband of her son, whose mouth hides plenty of secrets, one of them he already slipped out. The possessive monster who took her son away and kept him trapped.

“All those years… Baekhyun didn’t choose to not come home, did he?” she suddenly accuses after a moment of horrified realization. “You didn’t let him come home to me. To his own parents.”

Chanyeol’s mouth trembles at the truth that he can’t dare deny. She backs away, closing the gates and leaves him outside. He tries to approach her again, but he’s still frozen on the ground, unable to move.

“I made so many terrible mistakes,” he pleads, “Please… I regret all of them now. I didn’t know the boundary between love and possessiveness. I’m sorry for everything I did to you and your son.”

The woman stops walking, but she doesn’t spin around to face him.

“I do not expect you to forgive me, mother,” he whispers remorsefully. “But I need you to trust me this time. I need to find him. I regret letting him go. I can’t bear to lose him again.”

“But when you’ve found him,” she slowly replies. “…What makes you think you won’t take him away from me again?”

“Because…” he pauses. “Because now I know how much it hurts to have him being taken away from me. I know how it feels to not have him by my side. I would never let you go through the same pain again.”

Baekhyun’s mother stays unmoving, full of reluctance and anger towards this stranger who used to mean a lot in her son’s life.

“This may be too late to realize, but he is the love of my life,” Chanyeol’s voice breaks as he begs. “I don’t want to lose him again.”

—

Even when he’s lying on an unfamiliar bed, Baekhyun can still picture Chanyeol sleeping next to him. Sometimes, in his dreams, Chanyeol would press his rough palm onto Baekhyun’s cheek and smile. Sometimes, it’s his old law student boy from the past, cradling the piano boy’s head in his hands as they lay next to each other. Sometimes, it’s Park Chanyeol, a successful lawyer, who sleeps next to him with his hands on his sides and a frown on his face. Distant and extremely far even when they’re on the same bed.