I met him at camp. "Nerd camp" you could say, since everyone had to take a test to get in. I thought it would be a terrible experience; something that I would go through because of my parents. But I was so wrong, it wasn't even funny. Aside from the couple hours of classes (half of which was laughing and chatting), there were weekly dances and sleepovers and activities and so much more. I loved every minute of it, and he was part of the reason. I fell for him with one look. He had everything; the looks, the brains, the moves, and most importantly, the personality.

But no matter how much I liked him, it was all one sided and the crush remained just that; a crush. Additionally, he was 3 years older, making me feel it was impossible for him to find me even remotely attractive. I pretty much gave up.

Even though I knew we would never be together, I would still steal glances at him during meals and group activities, and for the 3 weeks at camp he was somewhat of an idol to me; always there to look at, but never mine. So I treated him like a idol, secretly harboring my crush, but never letting it grow to the point of love, just as you can't love an idol no matter how much you convince yourself you do. I just believe that it's impossible to be in love with someone you barely know/haven't met.

On the last day, I said goodbye to everyone I had met at camp. Everyone except him. I hugged, cried, and laughed with my new friends who I now considered family. But even at the last minute, I couldn't bring myself  confront him. But it would've been weird to say bye anyways since we weren't that friendly. We weren't on a first name basis, only having run into each other a of couple times during camp. But other than that we had no interaction.

However, all that changed soon after.

No, there was no romantic moment of him coming up to me as I was about to get into the car and him pulling me into an embrace and telling me he loved me.

Nope, none of that.

However, he did add me on Facebook the day after camp ended, while I was still in my state of post-camp depression. I didn't think much of it because everyone adds everybody these days. It's no big deal.

But that was until he started chatting with me.

The minute I clicked the "confirm friend" button, a red bubble popped up on the bottom of my screen, indicating that I had a new message.

Needless to say, I was extremely surprised when I saw the name "Nam Woohyun" written underneath the red bubble.

I hesitantly opened the message and it said "hi~"

That simple word with the squiggly at the end made my heart flutter. He was actually talking to me!

That day, we talked for hours, resulting in us chatting until 2am my time. I say my time because I'm in America, and Woohyun is in Korea. Yes, we live on the other side of the Earth. But that didn't stop me from falling for him. He was perfect in both Korean and English, which I found very rare. He was born in California but moved to Korea a couple years back. He was the best of both.

He was amazing, more amazing than I had thought. He had so many talents; rapping, songwriting, guitar, piano, and most importantly (to me anyways), he could breakdance. I loved a guy who could breakdance; it was my weakness. Everything was perfect.

Except for one thing.

A couple hours into our conversation, he started telling me about a girl named Jinah. They had gone out in camp and he had fallen in love with her. However, she broke up with him on the last day, saying she couldn't handle a long distance relationship. He told me about it and he seemed to feel a lot better after getting everything off his chest. I just listened the whole time, letting him vent.

After that, we dropped the subject and moved onto other things. He would occasionally flirt and we would play little games.

I should have stopped the moment he mentioned Jinah. I should have packed away even the tiniest feelings I had left for him, and talked to him as a friend. Nothing more. But his continuous fliritng and his mixed signals got me confused and I couldn't think straight. He would constantly mention Jinah and how he was heartbroken but he would also flirt with me. 

I regretfully say, I ignored everything he said about Jinah. In my eyes and ears, he was flirting with me and me only. He liked me and I liked him; everything would be okay.

It went on like that for a while; a good two weeks I would say.

Then the big day came. We were talking as usual, when Woohyun started laughing. I asked him what was so funny, and he went on to explain.

"You know what's funny?" he started. Obviously, I got very curious.

"The thing is, I've actually thought about asking you out and being your boyfriend. I've just gotten so interested in you..." after his bashful confession, he trailed off, leaving me hanging. 

I wasn't sure whether he was asking me out or not.

"I decided to give it a try though. If you're willing to let me. I know three years is a lot of age difference, but at this point, I really don't care. So... Will you go out with me?" he asked tentatively.

I couldn't really comprehend much at this point. Only enough to stutter a nervous "Y-yeah...".

I should've been feeling ecstatic. You would think so wouldn't you? But then you'd be completely wrong. For reasons I couldn't explain, I felt uneasy. As if it wasn't Woohyun that had actually asked me out. I couldn't help but feel that he wasn't sincere with his confession. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. I'm still not sure.

I started to find out more about Woohyun as our relationship progressed and I couldn't find a single flaw in him. But one thing kept me from feeling happy.

I knew I was his rebound. I knew he didn't love me. I knew he would never truly be mine. I knew his heart was somewhere else.

And the more I got to know him, the more I realized that Woohyun was badly hurt. He had deep scars that could not be healed easily and he needed me there for support.

But not love.

I knew Woohyun cared for me. He would never mean to harm me. He would and could do everything for me.

Everything except give me his heart.

I knew his intentions weren't to hurt me. He might have even truly thought that he was in love with me. But I could tell he wasn't; that his heart was somewhere else. He was just using me to get through the pain; to cover up the scars. Knowing this, I should have ended the relationship and told him that I would still be there for him, but as a friend. And I would've been. But I couldn't bring myself to break his heart again. So even though this was my first relationship, I chose to use it on being a rebound.

Over the next couple weeks, Woohyun got better and he seemed happier. But I got worse. I was happy for him, I really was. That's why I stayed with him with his interests in mind, thinking that I would be okay as long as he was happy. But I was wrong. What happened next broke my heart even further.

Jinah, Woohyun's ex, came back saying that she regretted everything. She asked for him back. I should have been happy for Woohyun because he wouldn't need my support now, and I wouldn't need to be his rebound. But I had unknowingly fallen for him.

I had unknowingly given my heart to him and he hadn't given it back yet. But still keeping Woohyun's best interests in mind, I sent him off to Jinah, telling him that I knew he would be happy with her.

I stayed by Woohyun's side through their whole relationship, giving him advice and making sure he was happy.

But my heart was breaking, piece by piece, as I watched his love for her grow, something I would've never been able to see if he had stayed with me.

Now here I am, telling this story. Pathetic, isn't it?

My heart aches every time I talk to him, but I continue to tell myself that it's alright as long as he's happy. Saying that gradually, I'll get over him.

One day, I'll be able to smile, laugh, and talk with him without feeling this much pain. But I have to let him go for now.

Because he'll never be mine.