Call Me JB Hyung : Sequel Chapter 9 Part 4

JB POV

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What do I do when I think of these things? These topics that make Youngjae really embarrassed and make me suddenly get nervous.

When I planned to confess to Youngjae years ago I never thought of it. I never thought of doing these type of things that couples normally do together. I never thought of it in the beginning.

In the beginning when I thought of Youngjae I didn't usually think of doing anything like that with him at all. Usually the feeling I had with Youngjae when I thought of him was that I want to protect him, I want to be with him. That's all.

I still think of Youngjae in this way now.

But I guess it really has been four years between us now. We're really in our fourth year. Though I was gone for two years it seems our relationship didn't change at all. The only thing that changed is what I think about now.

I still want to protect Youngjae, but now, those things have come into my thoughts too.

During military service is when a guy becomes more aware of stuff like this. Though we trained every day and really didn't have time to think about anything else, we all still talked about it.

Well, the others talked about it a lot. I was forced to listen.

When it got tough or really hard, we would all go back to our rooms and they would start talking about really erted material beyond normal skinship. If it wasn't the girl groups on tv, it was erted material in their heads.

It's not like I wasn't used to it though. The same thing happened in high school for me.

They would all talk about these things. About their girlfriends. About what they wanted to do when they got back. For the first time I started thinking, what do I want to do with Youngjae when I get back?

I considered myself an adult before I went. I mean, I've done some things but I really haven't gone all the way with anyone before. It's maybe also because I haven't been with anyone as long before.

Suddenly at service, instead of thinking about how many more days until I can go back home, I started thinking, what do I want to do with Youngjae when I go back home? What can I do with Youngjae when I get back home?

Just because of these guys and the erted material in their heads.

I never thought I would one day start thinking about doing anything beyond normal skinship with Youngjae. Besides kissing, I never really thought about it at all, that I could do something beyond normal skinship with him.

It's not because we're both guys. Back in high school I heard some gay material from my erted classmates, I know there is a way to do that between guys. But it's because I've always thought of Youngjae as...someone who doesn't even watch dirty videos. So how could I think of doing something beyond normal skinship with a person who has probably never seen one dirty video?

Jackson always calls him innocent and I always say he can't really be completely innocent, but when it comes to doing anything beyond normal skinship, I somehow know that Youngjae is completely innocent.

So about my thoughts at service, about what I wanted to do with Youngjae when I got back, I started thinking all the time that I still really like Youngjae and I still want to be with him when I get back. I convinced him to live with me and I talked a little about our future before I left, but soon, I slowly started thinking...what's the future of us? Our skinship?

I started thinking about how we both don't know exactly how to do it between guys. That maybe it's because we both have never seriously thought about it or even really talked about it at all.

But after I realized that when I return it would be three years already with Youngjae. Three years without going past just a quick kiss or hand holding, I realized that I couldn't just not think about it. I realized that if we can't even go past a certain point, if we both can't think of going past a certain point with each other, then wouldn't our relationship be like the joke Youngjae thought it was from the beginning? Wouldn't it be like we're just friends?

The guys and their erted talking really got me thinking a lot about me and Youngjae, and our relationship.

In fact, since the beginning Youngjae has thought of it all as a joke, so it's not surprising that I would suddenly think if it's because we haven't had that Youngjae thinks that the relationship is still a joke and that I don't like him the way I say I like him.

It was something stupid to think about and worry myself over, but when you're stuck in a room with all the guys talking about that type of thing, the thought quickly comes into your head too.

On those days, I remember I really wanted to call Youngjae. I really wanted to talk to him.

Instead, on these days I asked Yugyeom about him and if Yugyeom said they didn't play any games in a while, then I knew Youngjae was busy. I really didn't want to bother him. But I really also wanted to talk to him.

I also knew a little that if I called, I would have said something stupid. Something about what those guys were saying every single day. All of the thoughts in my head about skinship that didn't go away.

I didn't want to scare Youngjae while I wasn't there to talk it out with him face to face and calm him down.

The guys continued to talk though. They talked about it every day.

It was bound to get stuck in my head.

Now that I'm home from service, not only do I want to protect Youngjae even more, but now I know what type of relationship we have even more. I know my feelings even more. I even suddenly told him that I love him, such a big word and I used it so easily for him to understand that it's not a joke. That he shouldn't even think of it all as a joke.

It took a lot for me to even say it to my ex, but for Youngjae it came out so easily. When he keeps thinking it's all a joke, all I can think is that I love this person. All I can think is, how do two guys do it exactly? Because I want to do that with him. I want to show Youngjae the word called love.

These are the shameful thoughts in my mind now that I've returned from service.

It's been three years. I know Youngjae and I aren’t in a normal relationship, but we’re still in a relationship. I don't want to force him into doing anything he doesn't want, but sometimes I really want him to not be so innocent. I want him to know. I want him to know what being with me will be like. I want to know what being with him will be like.

How we will move forward in this type of relationship that we’ve both never experienced before?

I want him to at least know what it is we have to do, in case we end up doing it one day.

When Jinyoung first told me about his brother’s friend with the same name as him that lives in Japan, I was at service. He told me more when I returned. When he sent me that video he managed to secretly get from his coworker, when Youngjae watched it, when I watched it, I realized that maybe we can move forward.

Maybe Youngjae and I...maybe...however you do it. Maybe we can learn. Maybe my thoughts can be reality and I can show him what I mean when I say that word.

I've never been a romantic. I've never imagined myself as one, and I don't think others would say that I am. When I planned the trip to Japan for the Christmas present, I wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day first to show Youngjae that I'm really not joking, and then I wanted the both of us to meet a couple who are like us. Two men.

Youngjae isn't gay. I'm not gay. As far as I know we're both straight, but somehow we are in a relationship. Somehow I can't stop thinking of doing something...whatever it is...with Youngjae. I can't stop thinking of showing love...however I can...to Youngjae.

Jinyoung suddenly said his friend would teach us. At first I didn't really understand what he meant by teach us, but when we got to Japan and we met Jun and Jinyoung-sshi, when they mentioned teaching us again, I quickly understood it all.

Even though all the memories from high school and the thoughts from service were hidden in the back of my head, it all quickly came back and I became even more curious, even more in a hurry to learn it all.

How...between two guys? The video Jinyoung's coworker sent me didn't really show much. What it showed was shocking, but not so shocking because it's really the only way to do it right? It cut off right when the most shocking part was going to happen.

When my erted high school classmates were talking about it back then I didn't understand it, but I soon understood it all after that video.

How it happens between two guys.

The night when we all went out to Tokyo dome and Youngjae kissed me in public. Even though we were in a car, and I could feel his trembling hands and loud beating heart, even though it was only on the cheek and it was really quick, I couldn't stop thinking.

Youngjae kissed me.

On his own.

In public.

Hm...so he doesn't think it's a joke anymore maybe?

I couldn't help wanting to hurry and be able to learn what to do, suddenly remembering again everything the guys at service were saying they wanted to do with their girlfriends when they got home.

I knew coming home from service that I at least wanted to mention it to Youngjae. Even if he’s embarrassed and I’m nervous and a little protective, I wanted him to at least think about it.

Because this is a part of our future too right?

Skinship.

Not just what we usually do.

Not just a kiss, or a hug, or holding hands, but real skinship between couples. The one you both do to show each other how much you like each other, how much you love each other.

That night when we got back to the hotel, I remembered every single skinship that Youngjae did himself without me doing it first. He held my hand when scared, and leaned closer to me when nervous. He even kissed me when Jun told him too. Seeing Youngjae willing, though nervous, sparked something inside me.

Kissing him that night on the bed, almost going further than I ever imagined, I realized something...

I want to try whatever it is with Youngjae. However you do it. However you show it. I want to properly learn.

If it's him, there shouldn't be any problem.

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Now I'm walking with Jinyoung hyung, going somewhere to learn about all of this. To learn how to not hurt Youngjae if it happens, and hopefully to learn to not be nervous, and to help Youngjae with his embarrassment.

"Do you know where we’re going?" Jinyoung suddenly asked me and I glanced at him.

"Not really." I replied.

They really didn't tell us.

All I could think about while we walked is where Youngjae is going. It's not that I don't trust Jun or Youngjae, but Youngjae sometimes gets lost easily, and I feel a little nervous when I’m not around him, especially here in Japan.

I’m worried. Especially because of what happened in the train earlier.

I smiled and shook my head at the memory.

He told me to hold him.

"We’re going to a G club." Jinyoung suddenly said.

He glanced at me and smiled.

I nodded.

Ah...so it will be my first time going. I wonder what it's like inside. I don't know how to feel.

"You know what I’m talking about?" he suddenly asked.

"Yeah." I replied.

Before I met Youngjae, a relationship like ours isn't something I thought about ever. But even so, there were erted classmates in my homeroom who didn't talk about anything but shocking and erted material, and one day they talked about it. They talked about clubs for guys only.

20. the time I didn't think much of it since I really didn't care about stuff like who you choose to like and do things with, but now I'm glad I listened a little to what those erted classmates were talking about.

"Isn't it too early to go? It's a club right?" I asked.

"It's a cafe during the day. The club isn’t open yet." Jinyoung replied. "But I just want you to know where we’re going."

I nodded.

"I know about it. I know about that stuff already." I quickly said.

"But you’re not gay?" he suddenly asked.

Hm...I don't think that I am. But then how do I like Youngjae? And don't mind learning about how two guys do it?

"I've only ever liked girls." I replied.

A short silence passed.

"What about Youngjae?" he suddenly asked.

What about Youngjae? Youngjae is special? That sounds stupid. I must be gay a little if I like him right? How come that doesn't really bother me?

I felt stupid because of my own stupid thoughts. If I said it out loud Youngjae would probably joke and say it's a line from a drama. My thoughts really are like scenes from a drama.

I glanced at Jinyoung, suddenly thinking of Youngjae, thinking of the video we both watched the day after I arrived home from service, thinking of what Jinyoung suddenly asked.

"I don't think we’re like that. The both of us. It's not like there are other guys that I can say I'll ever confess to. I could only confess to Youngjae…and Youngjae...he doesn't really bother with stuff like relationships. I know he's had crushes on girl groups before." I replied, smiling at the time Youngjae's girl group crush was revealed by no one other than Jackson.

Jinyoung suddenly laughed and I glanced at him.

"So we can talk about this like men. You’re not embarrassed if I use heavy words?" he suddenly asked.

I smiled.

That's where he’s going. Straight to the point. I don't really mind. I've heard worse words from erted classmates.

"With this type of stuff, I think I can handle it." I chuckled. "I'm more worried about-"

"Youngjae." he suddenly said. I nodded and glanced at him. "Don't worry. Jun will take care of it. I chose you because I feel like I’ll say big words that would scare Youngjae." he laughed.

"Its better if we both know about this." I mumbled.

"So what do you know about it?" he suddenly asked. We were still walking. I was following him and we were talking about it all in public. Though nobody can understand, at least one person may know Korean right?

"I know the basics." I replied, a little unsure myself about exactly how much I know about it all.

"Hey. Let me ask you. Do you love him?" Jinyoung suddenly asked.

I glanced at him, once again suddenly picturing Youngjae and slowly smiling.

"Then I guess you love him. Even though it’s such a strong word." Jinyoung chuckled.

"I'm curious about something. It's going to sound a little strange. But I've heard it's possible." I mumbled, staring at the many people walking past me.

"You suddenly sound nervous." he laughed. "Don't be so nervous. If you're like that then I'll be less confident to teach you." he laughed.

I nodded and smirked, still staring at the people walking past me.

"I heard in other countries that it's possible, even between guys. With Jun-sshi you two…have you thought about it?" I asked.

"You mean marrying someone?" Jinyoung suddenly asked.

"Y-yeah. That. I heard about it. Back in university. It's possible in other countries...even betwen guys." I replied.

"Are you worried about it?" he asked.

"Not me." I mumbled, staring at the people we walked past. "I think Youngjae is more worried about it all. He's worried about something but I don't know what it is since he won't tell me. It's not about marrying someone though. I don't think his mom is bothering him about that. I think it's more about the future maybe. Our future. I think he still thinks that this is all a joke." I said.

Jinyoung nodded. "If we're going to be men about this then you're the first one I'm talking to about it other than Jun." he chuckled and sighed. "I've thought about it. I want to marry him." he paused and when I glanced at him he was looking at me with a smile on his face. I didn't look away until he looked away, my heart beating in nervousness about what he was about to tell me.

"I want to. One day. Because we’ve been together for so long already. I don't think there could be anyone else to replace him. But we’ve talked about this. He may not seem like it but Jun is a little insecure like Youngjae. He's worried about stuff like this unlike I am. He wants us to think about now for now and the future for later. But I know what I want. I know he wants it too, but he’s scared. For now I know.” he laughed. "When the day comes. I’ll ask. I'll surprise him." he said.

"What about kids?" I quickly asked.

"Do you want kids one day?" he suddenly asked me.

I smiled and looked away. "But I also want Youngjae." I replied.

A short silence passed. I listened to the loud noises from the people walking past us.

"There are other ways to have kids you know." Jinyoung suddenly said. I glanced at him and he smirked. "I’ve looked into it before. Even though we both have older and younger brothers, it’s best to have kids for your parents right?" he said.

"You mean adoption?" I quickly asked.

He laughed.

"So you looked into it yourself?" he asked. I felt my cheeks become a little hot from embarrassment.

I didn't really go looking for it, but I found it all anyway. If I want to be with Youngjae for a long time, an option for marriage is oversees, and option for kids is adoption, thought it will be really hard and really expensive, it’s still an option. I didn't see them, but I know there are many others options too.

"So you want to marry him?"

My cheeks were still hot. I hoped my ears weren’t suddenly red. Sometimes when I get embarrassed my ears get red. Though they don't get as red as Youngjae’s, someone can still tell.

I chuckled and sighed.

"Why? What's funny?"

I looked out into the crowd.

"I didn't think this would be what we talk about…but it's somehow making me embarrassed." I admitted.

"I can see it on your face. Youngjae gets embarrassed but you’ve been feeling it too right? Your ears are red." Jinyoung said.

I laughed loudly and he chuckled.

We walked for a little while longer in silence. I just stared at the crowd of people, at the many buidlings, wondering what Youngjae is talking about.

"Jaebum."

"Hm?"

"So you want to marry him one day…Youngjae." Jinyoung suddenly asked and this time I could feel my whole face go hot and my heart start beating loudly. I've never been this embarrassed before.

"It's something big to think about." I replied. "Right now I can only say I don't know. I know it’s possible but I haven’t thought so far yet. Right now I just know that I want to be with him." I laughed. "I think Youngjae would probably say it’s strange though." I chuckled.

"You really love him?" Jinyoung suddenly asked.

I smiled. "Yeah. I think it’s to that point now." I replied.

Jinyoung just smiled and we continued our walk in silence, my heart beating so fast because of the questions about marriage he asked me.

It's not that I haven’t thought about it. My parents bother me all the time when I get the chance on the phone with them. I have an older brother who’s probably planning to get married to his girlfriend and yet my parents continue to fight me about it.

It’s not something I’ve seriously ever thought hard about because I’m still young. Youngjae is still young. We both have years ahead of us. And we’re both aware that we’re men. Something like marriage between men, even though we are in a relationship, for now it's something that's still strange to me, and Youngjae probably also thinks it's strange.

For now we both haven’t even thought about marrying a girl, so this topic is something that's for our future. For us, now, for me and Youngjae – we should both worry about our relationship now and trying to find good careers and becoming successful.

For now, we shouldn't worry about trying to put a title like marriage on the relationship that we are still working together to strengthen. The relationship that we still don't know much about.

"It’s here."

I lifted my head to an alleyway. I stared at it for a long time.

"Hyung. It kind of looks….where's the club?" I asked, a little confused.

Jinyoung suddenly laughed.

"We’re going through the back. We're not going to talk about this stuff in the café. There’s a employee room in the back that we can use. I’m showing you some videos." he said.

"Oh." I mumbed.

Jinyoung started walking again and I followed him in silence.

It is an alleyway but there are people walking around, some in business suits, and others in flashy clothes. I looked around at the people.

Jinyoung called someone on his phone and the door next to some trash cans opened and we walked inside. We didn't talk to anyone. I just followed in silence until I was sitting in a room that looks like the karaoke rooms back in Korea.

Jinyoung told me to sit down, then he disappeared. I didn't sit for long. He quickly came back with a computer and his friend who he introduced me to, but since I can't speak Japanese and his friend doesn’t speak Korean it really didn't go anywhere.

Soon we were left alone in the room.

Jinyoung sat across from me. There was a small table with four chairs in the corner away from the door and we sat facing each other. He started doing something on the computer in silence so I took out my phone and started playing the game Youngjae downloaded for me.

"You had a girlfriend before you met Youngjae." he suddenly asked.

I lifted my head. Jinyoung was still looking at the computer.

"Yeah." I replied.

"How long?" he asked, finally lifting his head. I put down my phone and stared at the walls decorated with pictures of guys wearing flashy clothes. I didn't see them when I walked in.

"The longest one." I replied. "Two years with her. I had another girlfriend in high school but it didn't last very long. I was going to give my ex a promise ring the day I met Youngjae."

"Ah, that's when you met Youngjae. So it’s really been three years for you two. Now four years right? The longest you've had a relationship with someone."

I nodded.

"Being with Youngjae doesn't feel as hard as it was when I was with my ex. I really liked my ex honestly. I never really thought of giving someone a promise ring before. I’m the type who doesn't really think a promise ring would change anything. But she always brought it up so I went and bought one for her. She broke up with me the day I was going to give it to her. We were supposed to meet at a café. That's when I met Youngjae."

Yeah. This is how our story started. Our story that Youngjae keeps saying is a drama, and sometimes it actually feels like it is.

Jinyoung didn't say anything.

I caught eyes with him and he was smiling. I could only chuckle, because suddenly Youngjae’s face and that laugh of his popped into my head.

"With him it's different. He doesn't mention gifts or holidays. He didn't even want to celebrate his birthday once and when I forgot I felt terrible about it. When I told him I forgot and apologized, he just laughed and said he still didn't want to celebrate it." I chuckled at the memory of Chuseok in Mokpo. If BamBam really didn't tell me would I remember?

I sighed and looked up.

"I don't feel forced to get him a ring to make him happy or do something I wouldn't usually do. We don't celebrate any couple holidays and we don't go on serious dates that cost a lot of money…but even though we don't do this stuff. And I was even away for two years. Youngjae and I have been together for three years. We’re in our fourth year now. I’m not usually the one to count how many days we’ve been together or anything like that, but when I think about it, I feel comfortable with Youngjae. He has such an open heart and he understands me even if I don't say anything. I've never thought I want to confess to another guy but I confessed to him anyway. There's something…something like I don't know how to say it. Jinyoung said I always have this stupid laugh on my face. I always have it when I’m thinking about all of this, when I’m thinking about Youngjae." I said.

Jinyoung just smiled. We caught eyes again and he sighed and seriously looked at me.

"Don't you think it's only friendship. The feeling your feeling, being so comfortable around him is because you want friendship?" he asked.

I folded my arms across my chest and sighed, looking at the flashy posters on the wall.

"I don't think I'll want to be only friends with someone the same gender as me that I've seriously thought of holding." I admitted.

“You’ve thought of holding Youngjae?” he suddenly asked.

I continued staring at the posters on the wall, having no specific feeling for it.

"Even though he's a guy like me, I'm not going to lie and say I've never thought of holding him. Maybe before I didn't, but recently since I came back from service I've been thinking about it."

Jinyoung laughed loudly. "They did it to me too. They talked about suh erted things they wanted to hurry home and do with their girlfriends! They made me so angry. All of us stuffed in the same room and all they talk about is . At that time I wasn't with Jun yet, they were making me so stressed, and none of them were my type." he laughed loudly.

I chuckled and nodded, remembering the days with those guys, all of us stuck in the same room and all they could talk about was erted things. Girl groups, or erted material.

“But I survived.” Jinyoung laughed. "As soon as I got out I came to Japan and met up with Jun." he smirked and I chuckled and nodded.

A short silence passed.

“So you’ve thought about doing it. With Youngjae. Have you done it before?”

"With Youngjae? No. We’ve never even gone as far as…" I quickly stopped talking, thinking it's a little too much to talk about exactly how far I've gone with Youngjae. Though not very far, it's still our business.

"I mean with your girlfriends." Jinyoung laughed loudly and I sighed and smiled. We caught eyes and he smirked.

"I haven’t gone all the way." I replied, a little uncomfortable with talking to him about exactly what I've done.

I've never gone all the way. I've only had two girlfriends and even though at those times all the guys in my classes were already doing it, I never went all the way with either of them.

I'm not a romantic but I at least wanted to wait until I was sure to go all the way with the person I like. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. I still don't.

"You think you can go all the way with Youngjae?" Jinyoung asked

We stared at each other.

"We’re going to be adults about this." he said

I nodded.

"If you couldn't go all the way with the girls you think you can with Youngjae? Someone who has the same parts as you? Are you sure you're mentally prepared for it all?" he asked.

I stared at him, so many different thoughts going through my head until I knew what I wanted to say.

"I never went so far with my other relationships because if I'm with someone I like, I want to make sure I really like them before doing anything that could hurt them. Doing that type of thing. I don't think of it easily. For something like that I think of it hard. For me it's a commitment. I didn't want to take it for granted and I don't want that now. With me and Youngjae, even if we don't ever go that far, at least I’ll know about it, I’ll know how to do it so if it ever happens no one gets hurt right?" I asked.

Jinyoung laughed. I stared at him.

"You think someone's going to get hurt?" he asked.

"This type of thing. You know someone will get hurt. If you do it with a girl and the relationship doesn't work out don't you think they'll get hurt? Especially if it was their first time. Not just from doing it but...inside they will be hurt too? It's the same for this." I mumbled to myself.

"Why do you think that?"

I felt my cheeks go warm. "It's not like I haven’t heard about this type of thing before. There were some guys in my university. I know where it goes and I know that whoever…its going to hurt. I know you have to be mentally prepared too." I said, looking at the posters again.

Jinyoung chuckled and suddenly he turned the computer towards me.

"How do you feel about this picture?"

A picture of a guy.

It surprised me and I stared at it for a minute or so, but I didn't feel anything. I've gone to the public bath before, it's not something to feel anything about.

"It's just a picture of a man. I don't get it. Why are you showing me this?” I looked up at him. "It's a little…" I paused.

"You can't handle it can you?" Jinyoung asked.

"I've been to the public bath before. It's a little…" I paused again.

"Disgusting?" he asked.

I mean…it's a picture of a man.

"How about if it was Youngjae?"

I suddenly pictured it, looking at the same picture but picturing Youngjae and I quickly pushed the computer away and covered half my face.

"Good. You have a reaction." Jinyoung said.

Well of course. I wouldn't confess to Youngjae if I didn't think of him this way at all. I don't think of him in a erted way but I don't feel disgusted imagining him , holding him, hugging him-

"Hey! Don't think of it now. You still have to learn." Jinyoung said.

We caught eyes and he laughed. I didn't respond but continued looking at him, a hand still covering half my face. The room suddenly got hot. I didn't think I would get embarrassed but I guess this type of topic really is a little embarrassing, especially with Youngjae involved.

What is he learning now?

"Who knew you could get so embarrassed. Youngjae always says you have a scary face but seeing this side of you is great." he said.

I chuckled and lowered my head.

"Do you think you're biual Jaebum?" the laughing air around the room quickly left as Jinyoung asked such a serious question.

I know what the word means. I could at least look up why I've only ever liked girls but suddenly I like Youngjae, another guy.

"I think I'll only ever like Youngjae but..." I lifted my head and we caught eyes. "...it's possible. Because I like him, and he's another guy, it may be that I am. We both are." I said.

Jinyoung smiled and nodded. "I think so too." he said. "You may not like other guys but Youngjae is still a guy. I think saying I'm not gay but I like Youngjae and he's special is not the right thing to say." he said.

I nodded.

It's not like I haven't thought of it before.

"Now. Let's quickly go into it. Can you handle videos?" Jinyoung suddenly asked.

A short silence passed.

"You’ve watched before right?" he asked.

I wanted to laugh. He goes right from seriously talking about what I am to watching dirty videos.

This hyung is a little strange.

We caught eyes and he was smirking.

"When I was younger. Back in school. A long time ago." I quickly said.

“You mean you don't watch it now?”

"There's no reason to. Three years ago I had a girlfriend…now I have Youngjae. I don't think there's a need to watch those videos." I seriously replied.

"You sound even older than me. Like a middle aged man." Jinyoung laughed and I stared at him. He started doing something on the computer again.

"Have you ed?" he suddenly asked.

"W-What…I've at least done that." I replied.

I don't think that topic itself is something shameful to talk about.

“You don't think he’s done it?” he asked.

"Youngjae…I don't think that's what his mind is on. I'm not saying that's what my mind is on but Youngjae is the sort of person that instead of watching dirty videos and doing something like that, I think he plays games, sings, and plays with coco when he's stressed."

“You do it when you’re stressed?”

We caught eyes and both started laughing.

It's not like I haven’t talked about this before. Back in high school, even in university when no one could keep it in and everyone had girlfirends, we would sometimes still talk about it. Doing that.

"I’ll be lying if I said I haven’t done it." I finally said.

"Since you confessed to Youngjae?" Jinyoung asked.

"I've done it." I replied.

"Recently?"

"Wha-I don't do it every day hyung. I said before that there's no reason to do that type of stuff all the time or watch dirty videos because…"

"So you do it thinking of Youngjae?" he asked.

We stared at each other for a a long time.

I’ve never talked to anyone about this since I confessed to Youngjae, not even Jinyoung.

"We’re in a relationship so…isn’t it normal?" I asked.

Jinyoung laughed. "I didn't say it wasn't." he said. "So when did it start?"

"What?"

"Doing it thinking of Youngjae." he said.

"Since service. Since the time those guys wouldn't stop talking about it." I replied.

"How long has it been?" he asked.

"Since I started thinking about it? Maybe a year and a few months." I replied. "During the second year at service was tough. They talked about it even more." I sighed. "I really wanted to talk to Youngjae then. I tried so hard not to call him and tell him everything I was shamefully thinking about, what I was shamefully doing thinking about him." I stopped talking and stared down at the table.

"So those guys really did affect you. They really still talk about it so much. No consideration for those who don't have girlfriends." Jinyoung chuckled.

I nodded.

"Do you know why I'm asking you so many personal questions?"

"Why?" I asked, curious.

"So it bothers you?" he asked.

"Not really. I have nothing to hide." I replied.

"I'm asking you to make sure you're ready to see all these videos. It's not censored. Nothing is covered. The first few won't teach you anything. But since you've watched before it's ok to watch this type. It's to make sure you will be able to do this with Youngjae. He's a man too Jaebum. All the parts you have, he has it too. He doesn't have a chest. He doesn't have a…" Jinyoung paused. "...you know. He can't give birth. He's a man through and through. These first few videos will tell you whether you can handle this shock or not. There's nothing to hide but there's a lot to see. For you it might be a little disgusting the first time, but you need to see these videos to know what this is all about since you want to do it one day with Youngjae." he said.

I slowly nodded.

All I can do is prepare my heart. If it's more than the video Youngjae and I watched in my room then all I can do is prepare my heart and mind. I confessed to Youngjae because I like him. I like everything about him. Even if the videos are too much for me. I think if it's with Youngjae...I can do anything.

Jinyoung plugged in the headsets and handed them to me. He showed me how to find the two other videos, started the first video, and quickly walked out of the room.

I watched three videos. It’s like Jinyoung knew when they stopped. They weren’t short videos like the one minute one Youngjae and I watched, they weren’t anything like that video that’s still in my email.

Jinyoung-sshi wasn't lying when he said nothing was hidden. I felt uncomfortable watching everything for the first two videos since nothing was covered at all. I even had to turn down the volume during some parts but I sat and watched everything until the end.

When the third video ended Jinyoung came back. I pushed the computer and headphones towards him and he just sat across from me, no expression on his face. After a few mintures of silence we caught eyes.

“How was it?” he suddenly asked.

“Uncomfortable.” I replied.

I felt uncomfortable, a little uncomfortable, and very shocked.

“What did you think about them?”

I took off my cap and ran a hand through my short hair, sighing, thinking hard, remembering what I just watched and trying not to make the same face I was making while watching them.

"I'm not asking if you want to do any guys. I’m asking if you can do this Youngjae." Jinyoung suddenly said. "Only Youngjae."

I lifted my head and we stared at each other.

"Only Youngjae then." I replied. "If it's not him..." I paused. "I can't even imagine myself doing something so shocking with anyone other than him." I mumbled.

When I thought about him the videos weren't so bad. I could only sit through most of the parts because...I really thought of Youngjae while I was watching some dirty videos. How shameful. What did service do to my mind?

“So you can do this stuff…with Youngjae?” Jinyoung suddenly turned the computer towards me and I looked at the frozen image of the third video.

I stared at it for a long time before I lifted my head to catch eyes with Jinyoung.

"Please tell me how you do it exactly."

And with that, step by step, video by video, word by word, I learned exactly how to do it between two men.

It all didn't take long. About half an hour later and Jinyoung and I were sitting in silence. This was after the last video that taught me about protection, everything I already know.

"You still can do it?" Jinyoung suddenly asked.

"Its really…" I paused. "You have to really prepare. You have to be mentally and physically prepared. You have to really love the person. You both have to really trust each other." I said, probably only to myself.

I was having so many thoughts in my head.

"There's one more question I have and that's it for what I can teach you." Jinyoung said.

I nodded.

"There's a lot of ways to say them but let's use the easy words that I taught you. Top, bottom, or switching?" he suddenly asked me.

The same feeling of my cheeks going hot from earlier happened again. My ears also felt hot and I could tell they were already red.

I can't be the girl.

We stared at each other. I thought back to the videos that taught me and how each and every word was explained.

I wonder where he got the videos in Korean.

"Hey. I know you're thinking of course I'm the top and I can't do a girl role. Look. There’s no girl role. You’re both men okay?" Jinyoung said.

I know that.

"I'm going to be serious about this Jaebum. You and Youngjae need to talk about it seriously. You can't force him to be the bottom all the-"

"I wont force Youngjae to do anything he doesn't want to hyung." I quciky said, a little annoyed that he thought I would.

Jinyoung nodded. "So if he wanted to be the top you would let him?" he suddenly asked.

Youngjae…top? Me…bottom…I don't know. I don't know if I can do that. But can Youngjae be bottom? Can we even do the other one…switching? I don't feel comfortable about that. But what about Youngjae? I don't want to hurt him. Damn.

"Think about it. Talk about it seriously with him."

Another short silence passed. All I could think about was Youngjae.

"Now…"

I stared at the posters on the wall.

"Hey. Stop looking like that. You really get used to it. It’s not something you will be disgusted with if you’re doing it with the one you like." Jinyoung said. He smirked and I stared at him.

That…doesn't that mean…

"You’re…bottom?" I asked.

"We've switched once or twice." Jinyoung said, a smile on his face.

I could only stare.

"Let me tell you this. I'm a top. Jun and I didn't really have to talk about it much because he's not a top. Even so, if I love someone and they want to try being top, I won't say no." he said. "I’m telling you this only so you know that talking about it is the best choice…and hopefully talking about it makes you feel more comfortable." he said.

I slowly nodded.

"Any questions?" he suddenly asked.

We caught eyes and he had a big smile on his face.

“Trust me. If you love someone you can do anything for them. And we both know how you feel about Youngjae.” he suddenly winked.

I nodded.

“Any question?” he asked again.

I only had one question, and to get us to stop talking about everything so I could properly think about it all, I asked.

The color of his friend's hair, the one he introduced me to earlier. I wanted to know where he got it done since I’ve been thinking about getting a wash out dark red in my hair.

Jinyoung only laughed loudly when I asked. I think he wanted to stop talking about everything too so he was happy to change the subject.

We returned the computer, went to to his friend to ask, and before I knew it I was getting my hair colored.

Another thirty minutes later and we were walking around again.

Jinyoung got a call from Jun and we started walking towards a meat Restraunt. We ordered meat and waited only about twenty minutes when Jun came with Youngjae.

I thought I would suddenly start thinking about everything as soon as I saw his face, but instead, when Youngjae saw me and he suddenly smiled wide and started complimenting me about my hair over and over, I could only think about one thing.

Cute.

He knows exactly what to say to make me laugh, joke around, make me feel a little, if not only a lot happier. Make me stop worrying and stressing over stuff I shouldn't be worrying over.

If you really love the person, you can do anything for them.

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hello everyone. this is a double update. the other update is chapter 10. ^^