[Guangzhou, 2017]

 

"You don't have to lie to yourself you know.." A sigh. "You might be good in front of the camera but you're bad at it if you're not."

 

Yifan leans forward on the cold railing, the blinking lights from below greets his tired eyes, making them a bit blurry. This happened again, a voice inside his mind reminds him. He keeps silent, not trusting his words right now. He lets the other talks, because maybe they won't talk to each other again after this. And by after this, Yifan means, for forever.

 

"Now, answer me. What's my favorite colour?"

 

The question is out of the blue and not what he expects coming from her at times like this. "Vio--no. I meant pink.?" Yifan stutters, catching himself just in time before he slips up. "Your favorite color is pink." Yifan repeats again, sounding more like he's questioning it instead of validazing his answer. Half of him hopes that the other doesn't realize his almost slip-up, but the knowing smile on the other's face Yifan sees when he takes a slight glance is a prove that maybe, his answer is expected. Yifan turns his face away, face red in shame.

 

"I never liked violet, Yifan."

 

The silence envelopes both of them, for the umpteenth time that night. When the other called earlier that morning, sounding so serious, saying that they should talk, Yifan knew it would end like this. It will start with questions. Why, how, what, since when. Followed by anger, desperation, tears. And it will end with broken heart and tear-stained face.

 

And Yifan doesn't blame the other. His attitude towards her for the past week hadn't been good either. He cancelled their dates. Forgot her birthday. Avoiding her on after parties.

 

Yifan knows he's the bad one. What he did was all wrong and he shouldn't have done that. But he was frustrated, he wanted someone to hold, he wanted someone to kiss, he wanted someone he would say goodnigt to before he went to bed. He got it all, from the girls he dated for the past two years, the girl beside him now included. Ranging from actreesses, models, singers, to only regular girls he met through friends.

 

But no one stayed in his heart for long, no one kept the fire inside his heart alive for long.

 

His friends asked him. What gone wrong? They were beautiful, they were nice, they were caring, they were smart. Everything Yifan wants in a partner.

 

Yifan knows so well what is wrong. Because there is only one answer from the start.

 

They're not him.

 

"Yifan?"

 

A hand islifting Yifan's chin before he throws his gaze to another place again, and he is forced to stare into the eyes he has been avoiding for the whole night. It is when Yifan finally noticed the tiredness over the other's face.Yifan feels guilty, knowing he probably is the cause of it. They both aren't old, but they aren't young either. Sometimes, even the best skin treatment product can't hide the natural process called aging, and also, real emotion.

 

"Have you ever loved me? For even once?"

 

Yifan tries so hard to ignore the evident fragility on the other's voice, the other not even trying to hide it anymore.

 

"I..." Yifan croakes out, but nothing came up after that. The answer is, Yifan had. Maybe at the earlier time of their relationship. The other was hard to not love, Yifan admits it himself. But, still, Yifan could only keep his feelings for her alive for a few months.

 

"I..." Still, nothing came up.

 

"I..." This time he is stopped a finger over his lips. Soft, delicate, understanding.

 

"It's okay. Whether you answer yes, or no, I think it would hurt the same." The other hums, eyes looking afar.

 

"I guess I have to leave. My manager is waiting downstairs." she says, and Yifan knows she is lying. Because if her manager really is downstairs, he will call. Yifan knows that from the months he spent with her. But Yifan doesn't stop her, they are over, Yifan doesn't have any right to say anything, and he is sure it would cause her more harm if he asked her to stay.

 

Maybe she would cry on the elevator, or maybe on the emergency stairs. Or maybe she wouldn't cry at all.

 

"And Yifan, I never liked pink either. I like blue, blue roses ." That is her last sentence before she closes the door behind her.

 

Blue roses. I can’t have you but I can’t stop thinking about you.

 

---

 

[Seoul, 2019]

 

"Joonmyeon!" A voice calls him, but Junmyeon keeps running. People who he just passes only look at him with curious glance, eyes questioning and mouth whispering to one another. Joonmyeon slows down his step when he reaches the back door, and with no hesitation he runs outside, under the pouring rain.

 

"Joonmyeon!!" the same voice calls him again, but the voice is blurred between the sound of thunder and his own beating heart.

 

"...I mean, look at him! He was practically drenched!" Joonmyeon feels he is nearing conciousness, recognizing Chen's voice from his right side. He tries to sit up, but the pain inside his head won’t allow him and his body falls onto the mattress again. "Oh my! He's awake! Now you go tell my manager about his condition and that I will be here taking care of him. My practice can be moved to another day."

 

The other person, that Joonmyeon guesses as Jongin from his voice, mumbles a “Yes” as a reply before Joonmyeon hears the sound of the door closing. "You awake, Joonmyeon?" In no time, Jongdae is already on the edge of the bed, looking at Joonmyeon with worry.

 

"Wha--" Joonmyeo tries to ask but his throat is dry. Without being asked, Jongdae hands him a glass of water and helps him drink through a straw. After drinking some, Joonmyeon can feel his throat better, "What happened? How did I end up here? All I remember is--"

 

"Running under the pouring rain? Yes, of course." Jongdae cuts his sentence, voice getting higher like he is mad but Joonmyeon knows better it is only because he is worried. Joonmyeon sighs. "What the hell were you thinking, Joonmyeon? It was raining heavily outside, and God knows how long you had been under it! You came to the Jongin’s apartment so suddenly and passed out immediately after Jongin opened the door. Poor boy, he was crazy when he called me to come over."

 

Joonmyeon deems his pounding head isn't ready for Jongdae's dramatic monologue so he asks for more water to keep the other distracted. Jongdae helps him taking his headache pill and then lets him lay down again.

 

"You don't go for practice? But your new album will come out soon.”

 

Jongdae shakes his head, "No, someone needs to be here to take care of you." Joonmyeon wants to say something again, but Jongdae beats him to it, "No, no matter what's your reasoning this time. I won't leave you here, sick and alone. You can't force me to go practice. I am a bit tired myself."

 

Seeing that his attempts won’'t succeed, Joonmyeon chooses to keep silent and continues on munching the warm fried rice to fill his empty stomach. "Can I ask you something Joonmyeon?" Jongdae lowers down his phone after sending a message to his manager about Joonmyeon’s current condition. Jongdae’s eyes are unusually serious. Joonmyeon gives a nod as a response, mouth too full with rice to answer verbally.

 

“What happened?”

 

And then everything flashes in front of Joonmyeon once again. He woke up that morning with good feelings, really. Things went like usual, breakfast at eight. Consisting of cereal and milk because Kyungsoo, now sharing an apartment with him, hadn’t been home for a few weeks for filming and Joonmyeon was too lazy to cook something. And then he lounged at the common room, sipping on his morning coffee and reading the newspaper.

 

Their manager called at half past ten, telling him to go to the company because there are things to talk about the next activity, there was nothing weird with that. Joonmyeon agreed to just meet up at the company, choosing to just take a taxi there. While he was lacing his shoelaces though, he felt something was missing.

 

He checked his wallet, it was inside his pocket. He checked for his keys, it was inside his jumper front pocket. He checked for his phone, it was right beside him on the floor. Everything was in place but the feeling of something missing was bugging Joonmyeon. He quickly forgot about it immediately when he got to the company building. The meeting with the managers went perfectly fine too, no additional lectures.

 

He passed by Jonghyun on his way down to the lobby, “Hey, hyung.”

 

Jonghyun smiled before enveloping him in a bro hug, “Hey. What are you doing?”

 

“I just came because the managers called. Discussing about an event next week” Joonmyeon shruged, “You?”

 

“I just came back from practicing at the studio. Ah, it was with your boyfriend and Mr. Choi’s team. Maybe you could pay him a visit at the studio. Maybe breakfast,” Jonghyun looked at his watch before adding, “or brunch”

 

At the mention of his boyfriend, Joonmyeon’s ears perked up. Ah, he knew what was missing! He hadn’t heard about his boyfriend since the morning, or maybe since last night? His boyfriend would usually call or text him, or it was the other way around. But Joonmyeon was too hungry that morning that he forgot to text him first, and the other seemed to also forget it. “Ah, really? Thanks for the info, hyung! I’ll get going first?”

 

Jonghyun threw a wink at Joonmyeon, “Anytime. I should be going too. I think Kibum is already outside waiting for me. See you!”

 

After saying goodbye and waiting for Jonghyun to dissapear behind the corridors, Joonmyeon made his way to the studio. He was in the building and he hadn’t contacted his boyfriend from the morning, so he might as well gave him a surprise visit. And maybe take him out for food too, like Jonghyun said.

 

The door of the studio was closed  and the door was covered with dove covers so Joonmyeon couldn’t really see what was happening inside. He knocked thrice and waited.

 

No reaction.

 

Joonmyeon shook his head. His boyfriend must had been on her so called ‘music-mood’ then. Being the boyfriend of a music producer, Joonmyeon had spent some silent night at the studio. The supposed to be date-night turning into a-night-where-Joonmyeon-just-sit- quietly-while-watching-his-boyfriend-works-on-his-music-because-of-his-sudden-inspiration. Sometimes Joonmyeon wanted to protest, but he never said anything about it.

 

After waiting for a few minutes to see a reaction from the behind the door, Joonmyeon decided to just open the door by himself.

 

The view he got wasn’t what he expected to see.

 

The next thing he knew, he was running through the corridors. Someone, his boyfriend, was shouting his name. People were looking at him. He was outside. Under the rain. Jongin’s apartment. And black.

 

“Hyung?”

 

Jongdae’s voice brings him out of his thoughts, and he is shivering at the memory of what he saw on the recording room. Hands where it shouldn’t be. Lips where it shouldn’t land. Sounds which he didn’t want to hear.

 

“It was over Jongdae, it was over.”

 

The next day, Joonmyeon finds himself on the flower shop near the neighborhood. A young boy clad in a bright polkadot pattern apron approaches him with a smile on his face, unaware with the puffy eyes hidden under the sunglasses.

 

“What can I do for you, sir? Is there anything you want to find?”

 

“Yes, please.” Joonmyeon turned his attention to another side of the shop, pointing at one particular flower. “That black one. The black roses. Can I have it sent to someone?”

 

Black roses. The death of a relationship.

 

---

 

[Beijing, 2021]

 

BREAKING NEWS : Former EXO’s leader, Suho was caught on a dinner (probably a date?) with the singer-songwriter IU tonight on a high-end restaurant in the centre of Gangnam. How will the companies response to this?

 

Yifan throws his phone on the table, annoyed. The sudden action brings attention from his friend next to him. There is a hand on his shoulder almost immediately, “What happened, man?” Kevin, his best friend for God knows how long asks, “It’s unusual of you to not enjoy the hang out tonight.”

 

Yifan knows. Yifan knows it is all only a media play. But for what? Joonmyeon never liked IU. Their first encounter was at MAMA 2013, and yes, maybe they got close at the after party. Yifan was there watching them talking to each other after being introduced by one another by a friend. Who wouldn’t fall for the girl’s bubbly yet y charm? Joonmyeon fell, and Yifan did too. She was nice. But Yifan knew for sure that Joonmyeon and IU never went past through the terms of ‘friends’.

 

Why?

 

Because Joonmyeon was his, Yifan’s at the first place.

 

He can feel himself grows hotter with anger, he wants to shout that it is not right. He wants to say that SM must have made a mistake. He wants to take down the news from the portal.

 

“Yifan?” Kevin calls again, but Yifan seems to be still lost in his own thoughts. Eyes fixed on his phone’s screen and his fingers scrolling down the page he is reading. Wanting to read more. Kevin, who gets curious, leans closer so he can peek at the page Yifan is reading. He catches the words: date, caught, and Suho. It’s not hard for him to connect the dots.

 

Kevin looks around, and after making sure that their friends are too preoccupied with the drinks or the girls, he shakes Yifan’s body harshly to get his attention, “Yifan!”

 

Finally, Yifan is pulled out of his thoughts and responds to Kevin’s call. “What?” He asks, voice laced with tiredness.

 

“Do you want to go back to your room? To rest, to think?” Kevin gives him a look, and Yifan guesses his bestfriend must have figured out already.

 

“Hey, Yifan! Not coming to the dancefloor?” Another voice registers and both Yifan and Kevin look up to see who called, Mary. Yifan only knows her recently from a friend, but she fits quite nicely around his circle of friends. And Yifan is not that dumb to not realizing the gaze that always followed him and the touches that always stayed a bit too long from her. She is interested, but he isn’t. Old story, old story.

 

Yifan is in dillema. His heart says that he wanted to be alone. His brain says to just it and follow Mary to the dancefloor. Have a dance, have a drink, get wasted. But he tend to do stupid things when he is drunk, and he can’t have any more stupidity in his life. Leaving him is already enough stupidity of him to last for his life.

 

His mind goes back to the news he just read and it breaks his heart all over again, it's making him crazy. The jealousy, the hurt, the sadness, the helpless feeling all mixed up inside his brain and he can feel his eyes getting hotter as the second passes. He can’t be there for any longer.

 

"I think I'm going to pass it tonight, Mary. Maybe later." Kevin gives him a pat in the back and leans closer to whisper, "I'll check your room later and bring food. And you can tell me everything." Yifan only nods as a thanks and leave the table before anyone start questioning. Kevin will deal with that.

 

The hotel lobby is quiet, only a few chatters from the mini cafe near the entrance and the sound of phone ringing, pen scrabbling on top of papers and greetings of 'good night' from the receptionists. Nothing weird, it is 2 a.m in the morning already, Yifan should have been tucked under the covers and travellig to dreamland, instead of having his heart broken in the wee hours of the night.

 

The owner of the hotel where Yifan is staying is known for her love for flowers. So everyday, they will change the flowers on the center of the lobby. Yesterday was fresh red roses, smelling so good and looking so pretty people will always take a second glance everytime they passed the lobby. Yifan always liked the owner's choices, except tonight.

 

The color will catch everyone's eyes. It shines bright almost mockingly at Yifan.

 

Yellow hyacinths. Jealousy.

 

---

 

[Guangzhou, 2023]

 

Joonmyeon is anxious.

 

The airport is crowded, which Joonmyeon is always so thankful about. It's been more than ten years since they debut, going through members leaving one by one, going through an "undefinite" hiatus because of army duties calling to be fullfiled, disbandment and finally dropping a reunion-comeback after 5 years. They had been a bit worried at first, preparing for the worst reaction but it turned out surprisingly fine, even if the numbers of fan is decreasing with the appearance of new groups, but it is still acceptable. It is bound to happen, they understand that.

 

But the airport is not what Joonmyeon is anxious about, he grows to get used to it with the countless times they've been in the same situation. Any airports in any city.

 

It's the city they are in that makes him, anxious.

 

Guangzhou.

 

It is not the first time he comes here after a certain person left. EXO went there pretty often because the city is always on the list of their China tour, even now. He thought he would be less nervous as time passed, but he is proven wrong. If anything, the nervous feeling is soon accompanied by a new feeling, longing.

 

Joonmyeon can say he probably knows the city like the back of his hand. Even if he never lived there and never stayed there more than a week at most. A certain someone always made sure to tell Joonmyeon stories about his lovely hometown. The buildings, the people, the food, his mom, his nieces, his family. Always narrating with a child-like excitement, with voice full of fondness. That certain someone also made sure to take him on a tour of his hometown no matter how minimal their time between schedules.

 

He would always tell Joonmyeon about his past, and Joonmyeon would listen.

 

In the midst of his wandering thoughts, his body moving on his own, they are finally seated on the van. The group of fans is getting closer so the manager-hyung quickly closes the door and commands the driver to go.

 

The sun sets in the west sky, coloring the sky with a mix of soft orange hues on the dark blue sky. Joonmyeon leans his head on the car's window, sighing as they pass cars and buildings.

 

This city reminds Joonmyeon so much about him.

 

"Hyung, you alright?" A hand is placed on his shoulder. Looking at his side, it is Baekhyun. "You've been quiet every since we landed. Are you sick?"

 

Joonmyeon looks around, realizing the other's worried eyes at him until his gaze falls to Minseok who sits on the passenger seat. His eyes are also starring at Joonmyeon, not worried, but understanding.

 

"I'm okay. It's just I didn't sleep much on the plane."

 

Another lie, Joonmyeon thinks. He hates doing that, but he also can't say the truth. Joonmyeon feels thankful the others decide to not push further. They won't understand anyway.

 

The company did a pretty good job at deleting the records of him on EXO's works, but certainly not on Joonmyeon’s memory.

 

The group's attention is finally shifted from Joonmyeon to Chanyeol, who is now boasting loudly about the bouquet of flowers he got from the fans on the airport. Joonmyeon takes a glance at the flower and freezes.

 

Pink camellia. Longing for you.

 

---

 

[Seoul, 2024]

 

A body tosses in the hotel bed for the umpteenth times that night. The previously neatly pressed bed linens is now messed up under the man's big and lanky figure. Another minute passes before the man laying on the bed groans, one hand reaching for the bedside table to turn on the light.

 

The man looks around the hotel room, realizing that his friend isn't sleeping yet, or fell asleep on the couch outside. The man groans once again, feeling frustrated because he is tired but yet he can't sleep. It's 3 a.m in the morning and he will have to wake up at 4.30 a.m because of his schedule. When will he sleep then?!

 

The door to the room cracks open and a familiar face appears from behind, "You're not sleeping yet, Yifan? It's 3 a.m. You have to--"

 

"--wake up at 4.30. Yeah yeah I know, I just can't sleep." Yifan sits up, and sits on the edge of the bed. He keeps silent as he bites on his nails, a habit he can't seem to get rid of. His stylist will have a fit tomorrow trying to fix his nails.

 

Joonmyeon used to yell at him everytime Yifan did that. The other would smack his hand away and then put a biscuit or anything edible inside Yifan's mouth so it will distract the taller for some time.

 

"Are you nervous?" Yifan hears Kevin asks, threading on the topic cautiously. "It's been a while since you've been here in Korea. Medias are all in roar."

 

Yifan thinks, is he nervous? Yes would be the answer. Why? Because of him being in Korea after being avoiding the country for 10 years? Maybe, around 25% of it. Because of excitement? Of course, Seoul was a big part of his life. Despite how much he hated the way his previous entertaiment treated him, he missed Seoul from time to time. Nothing equals the trademark korean food stalls lining on the streets.

 

Because of him being under the same sky as Joonmyeon?  

 

"Do you think they know that I'm here?" Do you think he knows that I'm here?  

 

Kevin shakes his head, before walking to the bed, sitting next to Yifan. "You didn't hear me before. Or try open the internet, come on, right now." Yifan hastily reaches out for his phone which was lying abandoned before and turns it on. The phone comes to life and they wait patiently for the signal properly appears.

 

But, it doesn't.

 

"Eh?" Yifan shakes his phone, another habit he has, even if he knows shaking his phone won't help getting any signals at all. He stares at his phone screen, the notification to put on a SIM card is blinking.

 

"Ah," Kevin quickly rumbles through his bag, and not long after that he gives Yifan something oddly familiar. "Your manager kinda predicted this to happen so he brought it along, it still has the same SIM card like you had before. I don't know whether it still works or not."

 

Yifan retrieves the phone. It's not odd that he recognizes the phone, because after all, it's the phone he used during his time in Korea all those years ago. "How did..."

 

Kevin shrugs, "I think your manager is a sentimental man like that."

 

Yifan runs his finger on the edge of the phone, reminiscing the days he used the phone. The exterior seems well-kept, his manager did a good job saving it. Yifan doesn't remember the exact time he got rid of the said phone, all he remembers is he asked for a new phone one day, and his mananger handed him one the day after. After that, he never saw his old phone again, until today.

 

He turns the phone on, the screen turning into life slowly, function a bit rusty because of time. The home screen comes into view, and thankfully the number he used before still works.

 

His finger unconciously moves around, opening the call log, contacts, before moving to the message icon. Yifan freezes when he notices the name on the top of his message list, showing the last person he contacted with the phone.

 

Joonmyeon

 

It's been a long time since the last time Yifan tried to contact the other. The last would be in 2019, according to his message records. His endless attempts was met with no answer. Calls, text messages, kakaotalks, voice notes. Yifan opens the message history.

 

Thurs, May 15, 10.45오후

Yifan

Joonmyeon, can we talk?

 

Fri, May 16, 9.20오전

Yifan

Joonmyeon, please answer my call?

 

Thurs, May 22, 00.01오전

Yifan

Happy birthday Joonmyeon.

 

Sun, June 12, 11.15오전

Yifan

I'm at Macau right now. You'll love it here. And they have that egg pies you like the most.

 

Mon, Sep 19, 01.00오전

Yifan

Guangzhou is raining tonight. The heater is broken.

 

Sun, Jan 1, 12.30오전

Yifan

Happy new year.

 

Sat, Oct 21, 3.55 오후

Yifan

I never stopped loving you. I thought I’d moved on but here I am.

 

Wed, Feb 7, 7.00 오후

Yifan

I miss you.

 

The messages are all sent but all are unread. Joonmyeon probably changed his number to avoid me, Yifan thinks. Yifan scrolls to further to the top.

 

Sun, Oct 13, 10.25오후

Joonmyeon

Why aren't you at the dorm yet? :(

 

Yifan

The recording got a bit delayed. I'll be home soon. Do you have something you want me to bring? [read at 10.30오후]

 

Joonmyeon

I just want you to come home safely. See you soon! :)

 

Yifan smiles at the memory. Joonmyeon was always worried if he hadn’t came back to the dorm until late at night, Yifan always told him to sleep first, and Joonmyeon always said yes. But Yifan always came home to Joonmyeon sitting on the sofa, mindlessly watching TV, trying hard not to dozing off. The other’s face would lit up immediately when he heard the door opens, and in a second Yifan would have an armful of Joonmyeon to hold.

 

Something hot trails down Yifan’s cheek and he quickly wipes it with the back of his hand. Isn’t it too early for this? Kevin, whether he sees or not, doesn’t say anything. And Yifan is thankful for that.

 

“Hey, man.” Kevin starts, his next sentence comes out hesitantly, as if careful not to appear so nosy, “You don’t want to.. Search for him? Now that you’re in Korea?”

 

Yifan looks up from the phone, smiling sadly.

 

“And what, Kevin?” Yifan asks, voice shaking as he tries to hold down another tears. “I don’t have to search, I know how to find him. But even if I know, and I go to him. And then say what? That I want him back? That I’m sorry? That I still love him even after ten years not even seeing him in ten years? Tell him I’m sorry?”

 

“I’m afraid, Kevin. I’m afraid.”

 

He takes a deep breath, “When I left, we were still in a relationship. I tried to call him soon after that, but his phone couldn’t be reached. He didn’t answer my calls, you can see my texts were all left unanswered, kakaotalk was also the same, i tried to meet him when they’re in China, but he told Yixing he didn’t want to meet me. I’m dying to talk to him. God, no, I will give anything just to see him, to talk to him. But in a way I’m thankful he never answered my attempts to reach him.”

 

“There was never a word ‘end’ in our relationship, Kev. And I never thought it like that. Part of me is afraid the moment we talk it out, there is nothing left to save from this relationship anymore instead of my feelings.”

 

Yifan turns his head aside to look at Kevin, and Kevin never sees his friend this vurnerable, so, so fragile. He applause his best friend’s way to hide all of his broken self in the mask of smiles and laughs. “Will he ever forgive me?”

 

“They say distance makes the heart grows fonder, not create a monster. He’s nice, Yifan. I never met him but from your story, I know he’s a good guy.”

 

“Is it possible that he still loves me all the same, after all these years?”

 

At the question, Kevin falls silent. And as his mind reels to find an answer, he can’t seem to come up with an answer. Because, the only one who can answer it is Joonmyeon himself.

 

---

 

Deciding that he won’t be asleep anyway, Yifan decides to go down and walks around to search for a minimarket. Kevin had been hesitant to let him go alone before but Yifan assured him that he still knows the city pretty well, and Kevin only let him go after he promised to call when he feels like he’s lost.

 

There’s a minimarket not far from the hotel Yifan is currently staying, and Yifan heads there. Seeing that it’s 4 a.m in the morning, the minimarket is empty save for the teenager behind the cashier and a man sitting alone on one of the table, looking creepy with hoodie pulled up on his head, back facing Yifan, hiding his face.

 

Yifan decides for a cup of hot coffee from the vending machine and asks for a triangle kimbap to balance the caffeine in his stomach. He puts his things on top of the table not far from where the mystery man sits.

 

His phone rings loudly in the silence of the space, and Yifan notices the mystery man flinches a bit at his ringtone. His favorite chinese children song. Yifan fishes his phone only to see it’s a message sent by the operator. When he goes back to his message list, his eyes catch Junmyeon’s name again.

 

He can text Joonmyeon, right?

 

Should...he?

 

Deciding that it’s now or never, Yifan finally decides to just try. If his text goes unread like his previous ones, then maybe it’s a sign for him that it’s not the time yet. And if Joonmyeon answers…. Yifan doesn’t know what to do, really. But he can think of it later.

 

Just text first.

 

Yifan

hey, Joonmyeon. i’m at Seoul right now. and, i miss you.

 

---

 

Joonmyeon is restless, ever since Jongdae sent him the picture. A screenshot of the recent headlines on the news portal.

 

Jongdae

Hyung, you should see this.

 

Ten years after leaving Korea, controversial former EXO member, Wu Yifan (Kris) was spotted coming out from Incheon International Airport arrival gate. W Korea confirmed that they will shoot a pictorial and also have an interview with the chinese-canadian superstar for next month edition of the magazine.

 

He reaches for the paper cup filled with tea and sip on it to calm himself even if he has done it a few times before but with no results.

 

A sound breaks the silence inside the minimarket and Joonmyeon flinches at the familiar ringtone. He knows someone who used that ringtone.

 

Joonmyeon tenses up at the realization, is it possible….?

 

Joonmyeon shakes his head. He keeps telling himself he should not be this nervous. Seoul is big, and there’s no way they will meet. Except, if fate says so… But, the possibility is still small. Smaller than the invisible dust floating around him.

 

Right?

 

In the midst of his thoughts, this time it’s his phone that’s ringing. It’s Sehun who calls, Joonmyeon slides the green icon swiftly before bringing the phone close to his ear, “Hello?”

 

“Joonmyeon?”

 

Someone says his name but it’s not from his phone. Someone says his name but it’s not Sehun’s voice. Someone says his name, and it’s been years to hear that voice saying his name again. Someone says his name, and it’s like Joonmyeon is back to his younger self fifteen years ago. Someone says his name, and it all comes rushing back.

 

Fate finally decides that ten years is long enough for them to separate.

 

Yifan, in his opinion, still the same as he last saw him ten years ago. With additional invisible wrinkles. Clad in only basketball shorts and printed t-shirt with jacket thrown over it and Joonmyeon can’t say he doesn’t like this Yifan. If anything, it’s the Yifan he misses the most. The Yifan that feels like home. The Yifan that used to wake him up every morning with promises of his favorite food for breakfast. The Yifan that makes him fall in love, all over, and over again.

 

And clearly, judging by how his heart beats faster like it wants to burst right out of his chest, the feeling Joonmyeon thought was well buried inside his heart, is crawling back again onto the surface.

 

In the past, Joonmyeon imagined how it will be when he meets Yifan one day. He saw himself getting angry, he saw himself shouting at the taller, he saw himself running away, he saw himself slamming the door in front of the taller’s face if the other ever comes to his apartment, or even slapping the other to let him know how painful it was to be left without proper explanations.

 

But he never imagined he would be, this calm. Instead of being angry, Joonmyeon finds himself relieved. It feels like coming home, after a long grueling day at work. Instead of shouting, he finds himself staying silent, basking in the presence of  another. Instead of running away, he feels himself wanting to get closer. Instead of slapping the other, he just wants to be inside the other’s arms.

 

---

 

Joonmyeon closes the door of his apartment before he feels his legs giving up and his back slides down the door. He sits there for a while, minds busy replaying what just happened in the span of one hour. When he got out from the apartment, he really just wanted to get some fresh air, and he just happened to make a turn into the minimarket because he was thirsty.

 

He didn’t expect to…. meet Yifan. At 4 a.m in the morning. After 10 years.

 

They should’ve sat down and talk. But a call to Yifan’s phone which the taller answered with rapid chinese that Joonmyeon found to miss made them part ways. For now. Yifan said that he has schedules to attend, and hesitantly asked, “Do you have time tonight, for dinner?”

 

And a plan was made. Dinner, on 8 p.m, at Joonmyeon’s apartment. To avoid medias and paparazis, Joonmyeon reasoned.

 

Joonmyeon doesn’t know whether he’s ready for this or not, but he has to. He has less than 24 hours to get ready, emotionally. He will deal with that in the morning, maybe asking Kyungsoo for advice, the younger seems to always be more mature than Joonmyeon ever be, and more experienced.

 

First thing first, he needs to sleep.

 

He wakes up that morning with the smell of breakfast wafting in the air. A tell-tale sign that Kyungsoo is home. The younger must have just came back, because Joonmyeon remembers Kyungsoo wasn’t home when he was asleep a few hours ago. Or maybe the younger came home before that and Joonmyeon didn’t notice his shoes on the porch, because clearly his mind was too preoccupied by something else.

 

“Soo? You’re home?”

 

Joonmyeon finds the youger at the kitchen like he predicted, back facing him in front of the stove. Kyungsoo senses the presence of another person and he turns around to greet, “Good morning, hyung!”

 

“Good morning to you. Your filming done?”

 

Kyungsoo hums, hand stirring one pot on his right side. “For the coutryside part, yes. The other scenes will be on Seoul, so it will be less tiring. I think.” All of the sudden, Kyungsoo turns around, “By the way, hyung! A flower bouquet was delivered this morning, it is said to be for you. I didn’t see the sender name, though. It is on the living room table.”

 

A flower bouquet?

 

It is a simple bouquet, with only one kind of flowers but with different colors. Blue, white, pink, and violet are all mixed in one bouquet, wrapped nicely in a lighter shade of pink paper wrap. The sender seems to know Joonmyeon pretty well to send a bouquet that fits his preferences. Joonmyeon is not really sure he knows the flower, but he’ll search it up on the internet.

 

Looking at the bouquet again, Joonmyeon notices a card attached on the base of the bouquet. He takes it off, hoping to get a clue about the sender.

 

Hyacinths. Stands for an apology.

 

See you tonight. - WYF

 

“Hyung? Have you seen the bouquet? It is so pretty!” Kyungsoo beams when Joonmyeon makes his way back to the kitchen, still a bit dazed at the fact that Yifan sent him flowers, just like the the time he tried to get Joonmyeon’s heart for the first time.

 

“Kyungsoo,” Joonmyeon looks at the younger across him seriously, “Yifan will come for dinner tonight.”

 

---

 

To say Yifan is nervous is an understatement. He is waaaay beyond that. Is there even a word to describe how he feels right now? His hands can’t stop sweating, and he repeteadly wipes it on his pants as he makes his way up with the elevator to Joonmyeon’s floor. He feels his heart skips a beat when the elevator bell dings, signalling that he arrives at his destination floor already.

 

Yifan takes a deep breath, now or never, and knocks. There’s no reaction for a moment but Yifan can catch the voices of people talking from the inside. Yifan raises an eyebrow, surprised. Joonmyeon never said he lives with someone else. Or maybe it just a friend coming over. Yifan quickly dismisses the negative thoughts.

 

The door opens and Yifan holds his breath, expecting Joonmyeon to appear but greeted with a sight of smiling Kyungsoo instead. “It’s been how long, hyung? Ten years?” The shorter teases as he moves aside to let Yifan gets in. A hug is not what Yifan expected after he toes his shoes off the front porch. Kyungsoo wraps his arms tighter at his body, “I miss you, hyung.”

 

And Yifan hugs him back. He feels warmth creeping inside his chest at the younger’s action. He probably made a right choice leaving his company years ago, but he definitely made a mistake leaving his band members behind.

 

“I miss you too.” He says when Kyungsoo detaches himself from Yifan. The younger only gives a small smile, that heart shaped smile, before he goes on wearing his shoes. “You’re going somewhere?”

 

“Yeah, I have filming tonight.” Kyungsoo answers, “And of course to give you both some privacy.”

 

“I know you never intended to leave Joonmyeon hyung, but what you did was hard to understand and forgive at that time hyung. He might look fine on media but when he was back to the dorm, we tried to do our best to keep him… more alive?” Kyungsoo sighs, reminiscing the past. “If we had it hard, he had it even harder. So be more understanding and calm while talking to him, okay? He probably will get all emotional.”

 

Yifan can only nod at Kyungsoo as an answer, knowing he has nothing to say in this. Kyungsoo stands up, “I’ll get going first. Bye, hyung.”

 

[Do Kyungsoo invited Kim Jongin, Kim Jongdae, Kim Minseok, Park Chanyeol, Byun Baekhyun, Oh Sehun, Lu Han, Zhang Yixing, Hwang Zitao into a chat.]

 

Do Kyungsoo : What do you guys think about mom and dad getting back together?

 

Kim Jongdae :  I saw it coming~

 

Oh Sehun : OH MY, YES 100XXXX!

 

---

 

Yifan stands there frozen at the front porch after Kyungsoo left, the shorter said to just walk in and search for Joonmyeon on the kitchen but.. Yifan hesitates. He needs time to compose himself, it’s only him and Joonmyeon inside the apartment right now. His conversation that morning with Kevin replaying inside his head.

 

He takes a look at the apartment to distract himself. It is simple, with minimal decor to not appear too crowded. It has Joonmyeon’s touch on the choice of furnitures and it has Kyungsoo’s touch for the small details like the watch, figurines beside the TV, the book holder on the rack.

 

Yifan’s eyes fall to a framed picture on the top of the rack, a picture of EXO, the complete team, twelve of them. From the outfits, Yifan recognizes it is taken on the after party of MAMA 2013. He can still recall the excitement in the air, everybody was happy because they got the Album of The Year award. Yifan notices a hand circling Joonmyeon’s shoulder in the photo, only to realize that it’s his arm.

 

When Yifan takes the frame to see more clearly, there’s something fall down from the back of the frame. Another photo. Yifan crouches down to take it, and freezes when he sees it.

 

“Yifan, pleaaaseeee.”

 

Yifan shook his head as a no, “Joonmyeon, photobox is for teenage girls.”

 

“But dont you think we’ll look cute?” Cue a pout which had always been the bane of Yifan’s existence. “And it’s all your fault! If only you brought your phone then I could take some pictures on our one year-anniv date. And now you are saying no to photobox?! Our solely solution to have a photo on this glorious happy day?!”

 

Yifan smiles, he had always been so whipped for Joonmyeon, and his pouts.

 

“Yifan! Where are you? You are fine with kimchi jjigae right, because I forgot to go out to the--” Joonmyeon walks out from the kitchen, still clad in apron. His sentence halts in the middle when he sees Yifan on the living room.

 

The taller turns around to face him, smiling. “I’m fine with anything, really Joonmyeon.”

 

“You still…” Yifan fingers the photo on his hands, “..have this, I see.”

 

Joonmyeon looks at him with curious eyes, before he walks closer to see what Yifan meant. His eyes grow wider when he notices the thing Yifan holds.

 

“I…” Joonmyeon gulps down, “I like that photo a lot.”

 

The smile on Yifan’s face goes unnoticed by Joonmyeon, “It’s one of my favorites too.”

 

---

 

They eat their dinner in silence, with Yifan stealing glances at Joonmyeon from time to time. The other looks so nervous, judging by the way he plays with his food. Yifan can sense it’s probably because of the upcoming talks. And Yifan is too. How will he start? What will they talk about?

 

“You’re not eating?”

 

Yifan’s question making Joonmyeon startles in his place, accidently a few drops of the kimchi jjigae broth onto the table. Yifan quickly reaches out for the tissue, “Oh my God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

 

“No, no, no. It’s perfectly fine, really. I shouldn’t--” Joonmyeon wipes his hand, before standing up to put the tissues into the rubbish bin. “I shouldn’t have zone out.”

 

Joonmyeon sits back on his seat and they fall into silence again. Yifan is no longer eating, opting to stare at Joonmyeon in front of him. The shorter of the two sighs, it’s time.

 

“I’m sorry.” Yifan starts the conversation.

 

Joonmyeon doesn’t answer, so he continues. “I’m not here to say sorry about leaving SM, I’m here to say sorry about leaving you, without explanation. My action was brash and so uncalled for. I knew I should’ve told you about it. I was young, I was scared. But I know it’s not a reasonable. You.. you deserved an explanation.”

 

Joonmyeon still doesn’t answer, or even move from his last position. Only boring holes onto the empty plates on the table. “Are you mad at me?” The other shakes his head slowly, but doesn’t response further. It’s not going to be easy, Yifan thinks. But he won’t go down without a fight.

 

“I never regretted leaving SM..” Yifan starts again, stopping when he notices Joonmyeon’s shoulder flinches as he is reminded at the thing that started all of this. “The only thing I regretted until this very second, is leaving you.”

 

“I was in doubt, up until the minute before my lawyer filed in the case. I was thinking about you, about us. I was thinking will it--”

 

“Then why did you still let your lawyer file it in then?! Was I not worth it? Did you not love me enough to stay?”

 

Yifan hates, loathes, how broken the other’s voice is right now. Yifan mentally slaps himself one hundred times, he should’ve known how overthinking Joonmyeon can be. And yet, he left the other thinking that he wasn’t enough, he wasn’t worth it and he wasn’t loved for these past ten 10 years. Who knows what other things are inside the other’s mind.

 

“At first, I thought..” Yifan breathes in, “I thought we both would move on, forget each other, loving someone else… I thought maybe me leaving without any explanation would make it easier for you to hate me, and I was right about that. And maybe with you hating me, it would make it easier for me too, to forget you.”

 

“But my plan backfired, me leaving only made me realize how much I need you in my life.” Yifan looks up to look at Joonmyeon, “I tried dating other people. I’m sure you can find who are they on the internet, and if you noticed, they are all similar with you. Small figures, pale skin, kind. I kept searching for you in every person that I date, but they were not you, you’re you.”

 

Joonmyeon’s eyes are starting to feel hot loomed with tears. No, Joonmyeon chides himself. No more crying.

 

“There was no one fit inside my arms as much as you did. There was no one responded to my lame jokes as enthusiastic as you. There was no one who understood me as much as you did. There’s no one set the fire inside my heart as long as you does.” Yifan’s voice is getting thinner and thinner by each second, “Joonmyeon, there was no one I love as much as I love you.”

 

And Joonmyeon breaks. His all pent up frustration finally explodes as streams of fat tears running down his cheeks. His body shakes uncontrollably, and his breath coming off as hitched sobs that’s painful for Yifan’s ears. He quickly raises from his seat and strides toward Joonmyeon, enveloping him in big, big, hug he had wanted to do when he saw the other on the minimarket earlier that day.

 

Thankfully, Joonmyeon doesn’t protest. His fist on Yifan’s shirt, nails treathening to make holes from how hard he is clenching on it, don’t leave me, ever again. And Yifan could only answer him with huging him tighter, never again.

 

---

 

“So, what are we right now?” The question rolls off Joonmyeon’s tongue as soon as he calms down, eyes staring right into Yifan’s. Yifan is staring at him back, “I want us to try again.”

 

Joonmyeon is silent, weighing Yifan’s answer as Yifan eyes him with worriedly. “But I’m afraid..”

 

“Let me prove it to you, Joonmyeon. Let me. One more chance. I’ll make sure I won’t screw it up this time.” Yifan grabs Joonmyeon’s hands and envelopes it in his bigger ones. Yifan likes the feel of the younger’s hands. Soft, just like he remembers it to be.

 

“But, will you promise, to take it slow? It will be hard to gain my trust again.”

 

Yifan quickly nods. Anything, Joonmyeon. “We’ll start from square one.” Yifan suddenly stands up and offers his hand to Joonmyeon, “Hi, I’m Wu Yifan. I’m new around here. You too?”

 

The action brings a light chuckle from Joonmyeon, and Yifan likes the pink hue that’s coloring his cheeks right now, accompanied by a bright smile afterwards. “You can call me Joonmyeon. I’m pretty familiar with this place.”

 

“Uhm.. Would you let me to stay the night? I want to know more about this place.”

 

“Slow, Yifan. Slow.”

 

Yifan visibly pouts, before changing his question. “Would you mind to show me around?”

 

“I… I would love that.”

 

---

 

The calls for the passengers of the flight departing to Guangzhou is blaring through the airport’s speakers. Joonmyeon hides himself further inside his scarf, not wanting to attract attention. His hand is curled on the hem of Yifan’s shirt who is standing in front of him, talking to his manager. After giving the passport to his manager, Yifan turns around to face Joonmyeon. Who is looking really cute in his bundle of sweaters and scarfs, only his eyes is visible.

 

“I told you you don’t have to come with me to the airport? I’m sure you will need the rest.”

 

Today, Yifan will go back to China. His schedule for W Korea already finished yesterday, and his manager somehow moved the script reading for his newest movie to one day after that. Bad news: Yifan will leave Korea at noon, to make times before the script reading. And that means, leaving Joonmyeon just after they made up.

 

They are now inside a cafe on the departure hall of Incheon Airport, hidden in a corner. They won’t risk being caught by the media, it’s still too early. They went there with different cars too, knowing the media will have their cameras on Yifan as soon as he steps out the car.

 

“Just last night you asked me to get back to you and now you’re trying to send me home?” Joonmyeon says bitterly, which quickly Yifan replies with a hug. “You know I didn’t mean that.”

 

“Good news is, because my manager-ge moved the script reading to tonight. I’ll have a three days break next week. I can come to Seoul then, and let’s spend time together.”

 

Joonmyeon only nods, burying his face inside the taller’s chest. Inhaling his scent deeply, hoping it will ease his worry a bit.

 

Yifan’s manager comes again and then Joonmyeon detaches himself from Yifan. Yifan is standing there, clad in his simple jacket and jeans. He didn’t have time to properly pick his airport outfit for the day this morning, only coming back to his hotel from Joonmyeon’s apartment 2 hours before they should depart. The taller hides his unstyled hair with a cap, even if there are some naughty curls that’s pointing out from everywhere.

 

“I always hate goodbye moments.” Joonmyeon sighs. He feels a bit sorry for making the younger came back to his hotel a bit late though. They slept in, too tired after talking all night long trying to catch up with each other. Yifan ended up staying for the night after all.

 

“I’m not saying, goodbye. I’m saying ‘I’ll see you again soon’, in a week the most.” Yifan holds Joonmyeon’s arms that’s reaching up to tidy his hair, kissing the inside of his palm softly.

 

Another call comes for the passenger of the flight bound to Guangzhou, calling them to go to the waiting room already. Joonmyeon retracts his hand from Yifan’s hold, straightening his posture.

 

“I guess this is then?” He says quietly before standing on his heels to land a quick peck on Yifan’s lips. The taller seems flustered at the action, because Joonmyeon is the one who always reminds him to go slow and judging that they are in a public place which means they can get caught anytime. Joonmyeon is usually the one who worries the most.

 

But secretly, Yifan likes it all.

 

“Take care of yourself for me, okay?” Yifan whispers, his breath soft on Joonmyeon’s ears. Yifan reaches for something inside his bag and puts it in inside Joonmyeon’s jacket pocket.

 

With a smile and a gentle squeeze of his hand, Yifan turns around and blends among the people waiting in the immigration. Joonmyeon’s eyes are fixed on the taller until his figures dissapeares behind the boxy glass walls.

 

On his way back to the parking lot, Joonmyeon suddenly remembers about the piece of paper Yifan slipped inside his pocket just before he departed. He takes it out and rolls it open.

 

A picture of a bouquet of flowers. One of Joonmyeon’s favorite.

 

Daffodils. A new beginning.

 

---

 

Do Kyungsoo : I told you they’re going to be together. Now give me my 500,000 won. You lose, Park.

 

Park Chanyeol : But you practically cheated! You live with Joonmyeon hyung, you see how he acts and who he talks to!

 

Do Kyungsoo : I don’t care. I expect my 500,000 won on my bank account by tonight or I will make sure you won’t see the tomorrow’s sun.

Author's note : DONT FORGET TO DROP COMMENTS AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK GUYS!!