Taeyeon's fist clenched and she gritted her teeth to suppress her boiling anger. She has always been calm and composed and that night, she hated herself for not letting her anger conquer her for she just stayed there, face fell down to the floor, saying nothing as the boards gather eight members in a dimmed lit room with a round table.

"It's the boards final decision," a middle-aged man with a perfectly ironed suit told the eight girls who were having mixed reactions. 

Yuri stood up from her chair, her sturdy hands slammed the wooden round table,"That's not fair! If she's out, I'm out!"

"Kwon Yuri!" a husky voice responded to Yuri's statement, tears were welling up in the corner of her slanted eyes. 

"Don't you dare Kwon Yuri me, how could you do that? She's your best friend!"

"Yul, calm down," Taeyeon finally looked up from the floor and held Yuri's right arm. Yuri brushed off Taeyeon's hand and fell back to her chair, her eyes were red and she started to cry in silent. 

Taeyeon, still retaining her composure, finally gathered the courage to speaks up.

"Is there any way, anything, that doesn't need a decision to kick her out of the group? She's a main vocalist and she's very popular as well, kicking out of her group will cause an outburst of controversy."

Everyone stayed silence, waiting anxiously for the middle-aged man to answer Taeyeon's question. 

"For the last time I will say this, either you guys disbanded or she's out. If any of you want to out because she's out, you'll face a lawsuit because you terminates your contract on your own," said the middle-aged man with a firm voice, he slammed down his map and after he bid goodbye cooly, he walked out the door and left the eight girls in sorrow. 

Yuri rose up from her chair, she was about to storm out but she faced her other members first and pointed out to Tiffany who was clearly can't hold down her tears anymore.

"You're disgusting. You're one of her most trusted friend but because of your greedy ambition you kicked her out mercilessly."

"Yuri, stop!" Taeyeon shouted at Yuri who then turned her tall figure to Taeyeon, her face filled with anger and sorrow. 

"You're no better either, she loves you and yet you treat her like trash, you don't even dare to stand up for her. I have no ing idea what she sees in you."

With her last sentence, Yuri stormed out the door, and in a swift moment the two youngest member followed her along with Hyoyeon. 

The rest didn't move, Sunny and Tiffany started to weep and Sooyoung finally encouraged all of them to leave and go to the dorm instead, reminding them that they have a fan event in Shenzhen tomorrow. 

Taeyeon shook her head when Sooyoung asked her, she told the rest of her members to leave her alone there because she needed time to be alone. When she was finally left alone in the room, she reached out to her phone, scrolling to the first contact in her cellphone: "<3 MaoMao", she dialed the phone number and anxiously waited for the person to pick up the phone. 

Yoboseyo, Taengoo~

Hey, Sica. 

Hey again, where are you and the others? I've been trying to contact you guys a gazillion times. 

Ah, I don't know. I haven't seen them either.

Is there anyone at the dorm? I thought we supposed to sleepover at the dorm since we have schedule tomorrow. 

Ah, I'm not in the dorm yet so I'm not sure. Where are you?

I'm at Tyler's apartment. Where are you? Have you eat dinner?

Oh, okay.

What's the matter Taengoo? Anyway, I'm glad you call.

Really? Why. Hahaha. Anyway, I haven't eat, have you? Should I pick you up and then we can get dinner at our favorite restaurant afterwards.

Hm..it's just nice to hear your voice. Really? You want to have dinner with me?

Why do you sounds surprised?

I don't know, I just thought...never mind.

You just thought what?

It's fine Taengoo. So when will you pick me up?

I can go now. I'll see you later?

Okay then. See you soon Taengoo, drive safe.

 

Taeyeon went downstair and got inside her grey Porsche Boxster. She took a deep sigh and got a grip in her wheeling steer, trying hard to fight back the tears that's about to roll in her eyes. She put her phone in music mode and drove to pick up Jessica while letting the chilly Autumn wind of Seoul swept over her stiff face. 

♫ I remember a summer's day, I remember walking up to you. I remember my face turned red, and I remember staring at my feet. 

I remember before we met, I remember sitting next to you. And I remember pretending I wasn't looking.

Taeyeon and Jessica arrived at their favorite dining place, a quiet diner near SNSD's dorm who serves Taeyeon's favorite food: sundaeguk. 

Taeyeon took a sit across Jessica but Jessica signaled her to sit besides her and Taeyeon timidly complied, making her way to an empty spot besides Jessica. They were both still wearing a mask to cover up their face from the mouth up to the nose, and they also wear cap in order to avoid people's prying eyes. Taeyeon had parks her car in the dorm's building in order to fool the sasaengs who were crowding up in front of SNSD's dorm building. 

Jessica smiled while slipping her arm Taeyeon's arm and unconsciously Taeyeon smiled too. Taeyeon felt a weird sensation in her stomach, like a fluttering butterflies just flooded in her stomach, she was reminded by a memory from the distant when she had smile more often and so did Jessica. How long has it been since Jessica truly smiled at her? Taeyeon wondered. 

"I feel nostalgic," Jessica said quietly, almost like whispering. 

Taeyeon chuckled at Jessica's statement, she said nothing but slowly her hand started to caress Jessica's arm, sending electrifying feeling through Jessica's body. Jessica can't help but to be amazed on how after many things that happened between them, Taeyeon still has a huge effect on her.

"I don't think you know what you are doing to me," Jessica broke the silence again between them.

Taeyeon squeezed her eyebrows in confusion,"What do you mean?"

"It's just..things have been weird between us and it feels good to be here with you. Talking and sitting besides you as if nothing happen."

Taeyeon bit her lower lips, at that moment, there was nothing she wanted to do more than to embrace Jessica and pulled Jessica's delicate petite body into hers. She wanted to caress every inch of Jessica's skin and whisper her all the lovely things in the world, telling her the truth and telling her that she's sorry for everything that happened between them. 

But, Taeyeon is Taeyeon, the leader of the Nation's girl group, crafted to become a compose leader and to stay emotionless amidst chaotic madness that surrounds her and her group. Taeyeon stayed silence, she tighten her grip in Jessica's arm, hoping that her grip alone was enough to tell Jessica how apologetic she was. 

"Taengoo...", Jessica cooed. 

"Sica?" 

"Do you ever hate me?"

Taeyeon was shocked, devastated even, how could Jessica ever thought that she hated her. If anything, Jessica was the one who has all the right to hate Taeyeon for Taeyeon's ignorance, stupidity, and cowardice.

"What? Never, why would I hate you?"

"Then why are you avoiding me like I'm a plague back then?"

"I..."

"It's fine if you hate me, any kind of emotion is better than silent treatment and no words at all. I feel strange today, I feel like...I'm about to part away with you..and the others. Moreover with what Tiffany said yesterday...."

Taeyeon turned her face towards Jessica. She was faced with Jessica's reddened eyes, a drop of tears slowly drift from the corner of Jessica's eyes and Taeyeon instinctively wiped it away caringly with her fingers. Her fingers continued to trace the pronounced jawline in Jessica's face and she stops her hand in Jessica's face, staring deeply and with an intensity that churned Jessica's stomach upside down. 

"Tiffany was a fool for saying that, we never want you to be kicked out of the group. I... I never wanted to give up on you."

"But you did."

"I love you 7 years ago and I still am until now..., wait, can we just get out of here and go somewhere quiet? I'm scared someone will spot us anytime sooner."

Taeyeon grabbed Jessica's hand, and went out of the diner after paying the bills, not touching their ordered foods. There were more important thing than filling up a hungry stomach, it was to fill the hungry heart of hers, the emptiness and the longing she continously felt ever since she and Jessica fell apart. Taeyeon still held on Jessica's hand, gripping it tightly as if she's trying to mark a place in Jessica's hand, as if Taeyeon trying to say that Jessica's hand was owned by her and her only. Taeyeon made her way to a quiet park in the back of SNDS's dorm.

She guided Jessica to the nearest park bench, and they both sit there, facing each other, uncovering their masks. 

"You deserves the most pure, whole, authentic love, Sica. I hope you know that.. but, I can't be the one to gives you that which is why I.. stepped away from your life."

"It hurts, Taengoo.." Jessica sobbed, and Taeyeon was taken aback by how heart was aching when she saw Jessica was grieving visibly. 

"I'm really sorry Sica-yah...but you have to understand, I have no other choices but it hurts me too. It hurts so bad to see you clinging to Yuri instead of me, laughing with Yoona instead of me, pouring your heart out to Hyoyeon instead of me, seeking comfort to Sunny instead of me...It hurts like hell to see that I can even love the one person I think about 24/7 properly."

Taeyeon pulled Jessica into a hug, a hug so tight that she didn't care anymore whether they're both hurting from the tightness of the hug, she slowly put her lips in Jessica's cheek, coming into contact with Jessica's warm face and the wetness from the trail of her tears.

"Jessica Jung Sooyeon, all I want is for you to be happy. And if that's not with me, it's fine. Because you're the only person I have loved enough to put before myself. Seeing you happy makes me happy."

Taeyeon breathed Jessica in and she smells like strawberry, summer, the rain, and all of Taeyeon's favorite scents in the world that makes Taeyeon's loneliness go away, even for a second. 

"Have you ever though that if you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they are supposed to be there, Taengoo?"

"Yeah," Taeyeon answered Jessica's rhetoric question.

"For years, you've occupied my head, heart, mind, soul, everything in me, and not even for a second there's a time where you're not all over my thought."

The news broke in quickly, Jessica was devastated and she no longer care when she saw people were crowding outside S.M.'s building, snapping her pictures while she quickly walked with tears rolling down her face. She knew it was bound to happen and yet she still can't hold her disappointment that none of her members stood up for her, not Yuri, not Hyoyeon, not Yoona, not maknae, not even Taeyeon who just told her last night that she won't give up on Jessica. She wept in her car, confused and lost, not knowing where to go since all the members just left to Shanghai for a fan event..without her. She decided to drove aimlessly when a phone call interrupted her abruptly. It was an unknown number, Jessica usually stayed away from an unknown number, but her guts at that time told her to accept the phone call. 

Hey, Sica.

Jessica froze, she was lost at words, a voice so familiar greeted her at the end of the receiver. A voice she has wished to appear every night and now the voice sounds like a knife stabbing her hearts continously. 

You're still allowed to call me?

Don't be like that.

Like a heartbroken, sinister person who've just been bertrayed?

Sica, listen.

Are you going to tell me another sweet lies, Kim Taeyeon?

We can't obviously talk about this on the phone and not when you're still mad like this. Can we please meet? After I got back from Shanghai?

I thought you hate me.

Don't you remember what I've just said last night? I...I don't hate you, not ever, Sica. 

I don't know anymore. 

Can we still meet though?

Okay..are you going to be with the others?

No. It's between us. I won't let us part way in a term like this. 

I met her in 2005, a thin teenage girl with a beautiful long brown hair, a jumbled teeth and an icy look when she wasn't talking. I was afraid at her, afraid that she wouldn't even look at me in the eyes, an ordinary timid girl with too much fat in her cheeks and two eyes that's too small to be even called an eyes. I'm just a tiny girl who come from a small town in Korea and I've heard that she comes from San Fransisco, United States of America, before coming back to Seoul. I've heard her voice yesterday, she has such a soft voice, lighter than mine, but with a distinctive sweetness in it that makes my fingers curled up. I wanted to praise her but I wasn't a praising type, the dark spot in the shadow where I could admire her from afar was better than having to stand with the lights focusing in both of us. I was afraid I would fainted with her radiant beauty and the amount of sweetness from her voice. 

I finally talked to her, three months after I first saw her. Or rather, she finally talked to me. She surprised me with her personality, the icy look and the coolness that she radiated was soon replaced with warmthness and congeniality. From that moment on, her surprises never stop, I was never too keen of surprise for I've always been a monotonous person but I found myself addicted with her continous surprises. 

It was the first month of 2007, I've heard rumours circulating about her being lazy and stuck up, a brat who refused to follow Korean social custom and who ditched practices to ran away with male trainees. I reached her out that night, she was alone in a room full of mirror, practicing the dance moves we've practiced earlier. Sweats glistened from her forehead, the tip of her brown long hair was visibly weat from sweats. She looked glorious in the blinding yellow lights of the practice room. I told her about the rumors and she laughed, telling me that she didn't care about what other people think about her because none of those people matter to her life.

"Taeyeon-ah, those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

My first surprise. She was anything but lazy, she was unstoppable and not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite it.

It was the first month after August 2007, we've just debuted and all of us were in the brink of collapsing due to endless schedules. I was starting to have trouble sleeping and that's when I woke up to find her in the living room, reading music notes from our vocal teacher. 

"Why are you still up?"

"Taengooooo~ I'm still practising this music notes Kim Jo Han-ssi gave us earlier. Are you having trouble sleeping again?"

"Yeah, too much coffee," I lied. But soon I would know, if there's anyone who could see right through me, it's her, and will always be her. 

"You know you can't lie to me, don't be too hard on yourself, Taengoo. You're doing great."

I spent that night with her, she talked about everything and I had an epiphany that what I wanted was someone who would sit with me in the quietness of the night at 2 in the morning, and told me about her favourite songs, and her family problem, and how she thinks the earth was made. That night, I knew that my guts was right, she was so much more than what people thought about her. She told me her love for fashion, how her happiest place on earth was the department store, how she fancies high-end fashion name and how her favorite designer is Yves Saint Laurent and her favorite color has always been black and white. Simplistic and classy, just like her. I thought how her regal appearance would look flawless in black and white. I couldn't help but to think that people are the prettiest when they talk about something they really love, with passion in their eyes. She has always been beautiful, but that night, even in the dark room, I could she her shining like a northern star in the vast dark sky of my gloomy heart.

I was able to sleep soundly that night, I was dreaming about her in a white princess-like dream, she didn't say anything but she smiled and extended her hand to me in which I took the hand eagerly. I woke up from the beautiful dream with an empty hand, and yet the thought of her didn't vanish when I awoke. My second surprise. 

It was November 1st 2014. I was closing my eyes trying to flushes away the pounding headache when I heard a gentle knock in my car's door. She stood there, with a long black shirt and a black tight leather jeans, her majestic golden hair was down to her waist and her face was as smooth as I've always remembered it. She looked fragile and I noticed a bag under her eyes, she looked sad and I felt a heartwrenching feeling covering my whole body.

I got out from my car and open the passenger door for her to got in and I quickly went back to driving position again.

"Thank you for meeting me here."

"It's alright."

The silence was maddening and she has always been the one who initiated the conversation but now she just sat there in silence. Was this how she feels all these years I was giving her the silent treatment? My heart ached and I couldn't take it anymore, I clicked my seat belt off and reached to her face with both of my hands, crashing my lips ferociously to her lips. I could tell she was shocked, she stayed unmoved but I could finally felt her lips melt away to mine. Her kiss was like how I remembered it, slow and passionate with so much loving that I could feel thunderstoms in my veins. I wonder if she felt that way too?

That night, I surprise myself for I finally realize even after all the bitterness between us, I, the most rational and logical person in the group, shut down my own rationality because I love her too much and I can't let her slip away from my sight without letting her know that I've always been and might always be in love with her. 

We broke the kiss and she faced me, I saw hint of twinkles and careness in her eyes.

"I don't think we don't love each other."

"I agree."

Some people say that magic isn’t real, but I beg to differ. Without magic, how could I explain the way her eyes make me feel like I was drowning, or how her kisses felt like electricity against my bare skin. Without magic, how could I explain her?

"Kim Taeyeon, I damned the day I met you and damned the day I let you in. I didn’t need comfort from another broken soul who in the end, broke me more than any else had. The same night you told me you loved me was the same night you told me you were leaving. I hate you for making me believe in love again. I hate you for getting under my skin and yet I will still love you nonetheless. Is this goodbye, Taengoo?"

I gritted my teeth again, I was unable to move from the abundance amount of hurt and aching loneliness in my body and I reached out to her, like so many nights before, burying my face deep in her neck, trying to inhale any scents of her and wish I could bottled it up to keep with me forever. 

"You know, Sica, I’ve accepted that we can’t be but I’ve also accepted that you’re going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one who is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots. No matter how happy I am otherwise and no matter how long it’s been."

"If we were meant to be, then maybe sometime along the way, whether it be months or years, fate will bring us back together."

She smiled and I finally smiled though my heart still won't stop aching and probably won't ever stop aching from that moment, but I hugged her, the tightest most long-lasting hug I ever gave to her for a long time. She had let go and though it broke me more than anything to let her slip away from me, her happiness is still the top priority of my life. I'd rather be destroyed and empty than having her to feel the way I do. All can I ask now, who do I run to? With her not being here anymore? I throw my question in the air and I was met with a dead silence and a cold weather who dried the tears in my face.

If this is my last night with you. Hold me like I'm more than just a friend. Give me a memory I can use. Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do. It matters how this ends. Cause what if I never love again? - Adele, All I Ask.