"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." -Anton Chekhov

I stared up at the Big House and felt my stomach clench uncomfortably. I could hear laughter and muffled chatter from where I stood half-way up the steps outside the Big House. The mixture of emotions I often felt just before a panic attack were bubbling inside of me and I was struggling to keep my heart beating at a steady pace.

My fear and anxiety were becoming greater with every passing minute I spent standing and my breaths were becoming short and uneven. Thousands of thoughts were running through my head at a dizzying speed causing me to feel lightheaded and nauseous.

“Calm down, Kibum!” I scolded myself under my breath, “Having a panic attack won’t change anything.”

I willed myself to climb another step and tried to ease away the tension in my shoulders. Unlocking my knees, I lifted a tentative foot off of the ground and placed it half-way onto the edge of the next step when a particularly loud burst of laughter rang out from the second floor of the big house and my foot was quickly retracted.

Although the temperatures were freezing cold outside – not that Kibum could feel it anyway – he found himself sweating and breathing raggedly as if he had run a mile.

Calm down he thought to himself again. Deep breaths.

Mustering whatever courage he had left, he started walking again. He reached the top of the staircase and with a nervous and stiff posture, continued the short walk towards the building’s entrance. When he entered he was consumed by the soothing scent of vanilla and white chocolate.

He didn’t even have a second to think before a high-pitched shrill came from across the room causing him to whip around with his hands raised and eyes closed with fear.  

“Oh! Sorry, Sweetheart! I gave you a fright, didn’t I?” Slowly he pried his eyes open and was surprised to see a middle-aged woman whose hair was starting to grey, giving me a gummy smile.

“Oops.” She shrugged half-heartedly and gave me a cheeky grin.

“I’ll call Jinki for you; he’s been waiting all morning.” And just as quickly as she had appeared, she disappeared up one of the glass staircases to the right of the entrance and through a door on the balcony at the top.

Kibum slowly put his hands down and tried to relax them at his sides.

“Brave.” A calm voice called down from the balcony causing him to whip around again. After recognising the voice he relaxing with his face alight with embarrassed.

Jinki descended the staircase gracefully and stopped a short distance away from me with a gentle yet sad smile on his face and a bitter-sweet look in his eyes.

“I thought you’d bolt.” He said softly. “I’m happy you didn’t.”

My eyes widened at the sincerity of his words and the proud look on his face. The decision to come into the building didn’t seem quite so bad anymore.

“So brave...” He muttered again to himself as he bowed to me. After he returned to his upright position I hastily bowed causing him to chuckle with that gentle look in his eyes.

“Do you want to brave for a little bit longer and meet a few people at breakfast?” I only blinked at him with wide eyes causing his smile to fall the slightest bit. “You don’t have to meet everyone at once. In fact, if you want to, you don’t have to meet anybody at all.”

I stared into his hopeful and encouraging eyes and felt my armour slowly melting away.

I wanted to take a big step.

No, I needed to take a big step.  

“Half.” I said staring him straight in the eye with a new-found confidence. “I want to meet half.”

Jinki’s eyes widened slightly before a large smile stretched over his face.

“Half.” he repeated before nodding slowly and opening the door.

The room was open and spacious. Two walls were made of glass and the other a dark mahogany. There was a buffet table towards the left of the room against the mahogany wall that contained fruits, yogurt and cereal.

Spread around the room were tables that housed anywhere from 2 to 10 people. All looked towards the door and at Kibum.

Kibum felt his breath catch as thirty smiling faces glanced at him. Jinki ushered him over to an empty table aligned with two chairs next to the glass wall.

Around the room there were tables seating anywhere from 2 to 10 people, all of which shot him a calm smile before going back to their conversations.

Deep breaths he reminded himself before facing Jinki with a panicked look. Jinki smiled at him before pushing a menu across the table without invading Kibum’s personal space.

“Half...” Jinki mumbled thoughtfully. “Are you ready to order?” Jinki took down Kibum’s simple order of fried eggs, and after insisting that he ordered some Bacon as well, left to go place the order and save Kibum from interacting with one of the waiters.

Kibum looked around the room and was surprised to see that no one was staring at him. When someone looked up in his direction all she did was shoo him a smile before continuing her conversation.

He felt the tension in his shoulders drain away.

When Jinki returned he had a tentative look on his face and seemed to be struggling to find the right words.

“Kibum,” He said slowly and carefully as if not to frighten Kibum. “We... There’s...” he stuttered. “There’s a thing we normally do when a new person comes here, but we didn’t want to ask you to do it because it involves meeting everyone at once. We thought it might overwhelm you.”

Kibum listened to Jinki’s melodic voice and found himself nodding for Jinki to continue despite the anxiety that washed over him.

“It’s a meeting of sorts.” Jinki explained. “We all gather in a circle here at the big house and just talk. It never lasts longer than an hour.” He looked at Kibum softly. “You won’t have to feel in the spotlight though because we talk to everyone, ask questions, learn a little bit more about each other.”

“You wouldn’t have to meet everyone separately as a one-on-one and it may be more relaxing for you although you’d get to know everyone at once.”

Kibum glanced around the room. Some people were getting up to leave, while others had only started to eat. Although Kibum was in a room full of people, he didn’t feel like they were all silently judging him and tearing him apart in their heads.

He felt welcomed and understood.

A big step. Kibum thought again. A really big step.

A step that will enable as little social interaction over an extended period of time as possible. Rather than being in the spotlight for days on end we can do it all at once, and not have to worry any more. The smart voice in Kibum’s head said.

“Okay.” Kibum said simply before he could regret it or change his mind. He watched Jinki’s face light up. “Okay then the only two you will have to meet before the meeting will be Taemin and Jong-” His voice trailed off. He glanced around the room thoughtfully before his eyebrows furrowed in obvious displeasure.
 

“Where is Jonghyun?” he angrily muttered under his breath.

“I told him very specifically to come to breakfast this morning.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Of course, he never listens. Why do I even bother?”

He pulled his face away from his hands to look at Kibum. “When you’re done, let’s go for a walk.” 

Kibum ate quickly and silently thanked Jinki for forcing the bacon onto his plate.

>< 

Jinki explained lots of small details such as mealtimes, personal drivers and the paths that all the houses stayed on as they walked through the parking lot and down a path that had the word ‘Meadow’ displayed on a wooden board at the entrance.

“Every path’s name represents something you can find down that path if you were to go for a walk. Your path is ‘Frozen Lake’ because if you continue past your house, you’ll find yourself at a lake which is probably better for drowning yourself in than skating on. Just a warning.”

Kibum tried to absorb all the things Jinki was telling him and listened carefully as they walked down Jinki’s path that housed himself and Taemin and another boy called Jongin.

“Taemin and I live down here.” He explained as they walked towards two houses that was strikingly similar to Kibum’s. “That’s Jongin’s house. “

Jinki entered the house muttering something about getting the ‘sleepy puppy’ and Kibum was left standing on the porch near the door. His eyes travelled around the landscape and he realised why it was so affectionately named. Despite the cold winter, there were small flowers everywhere. Snow was shovelled back in patches where small flower beds lay, unbothered by the white blanket. Weaving between pine trees there were small bushes that were adorned with small berries. 

Kibum hardly heard the muffled footsteps that came down the stairs and the cry of joy that came before he felt another body crash into his and an arm wrap loosely around him.

Thump.

 Thump.

 Thump.

“No, Taemin!” He heard Jinki yell.

Kibum felt adrenalin rush into his numb body and fear take over. He let out a strangled cry of unfelt pain as panic surged through his body. Instantly a layer of sweat broke out on his skin as his breathing became uneven.

He pulled himself out of the arms that were wrapped around him and stumbled forward. He grabbed onto the railing that guarded the porch and felt his legs collapse when waves of nausea and dizziness hurled through his body.

In his near unconscious state he heard Jinki speaking urgently to Taemin. “Taemin, remember, you can’t touch Kibum. You can’t touch him, all right. If you touch Kibum, you’ll hurt him.”

Kibum pried open his eyes and through blurry vision saw that Jinki had Taemin – whose eyes were watering and had an innocent look on his face - in a back-hug like grip, while muttering that Taemin wasn’t allowed to touch Kibum.

“Taemin, go inside and get me a glass of water, Okay?” Jinki asked gently before turning his and Taemin’s bodies around and guiding Taemin gently into the house.

“Kibum.” Jinki spoke as he whipped around, sounding worried and hurried. “You need to slow down your breathing, Okay? You’re going to make yourself sick.”

Kibum tried to concentrate on his breathing.  In, two, three. Out, two, three. He felt tears escaping his eyes as he squeezed them shut.

The cold air was stinging his lungs as he breathed in and he silently cursed himself for being so weak.

“Kibum.” Jinki said in a stern voice. “Think about where you are right now.”

Kibum’s