Seoul has always been a beautiful city. The night lights, the people, the whole atmosphere is just so different from Gwangmyeong, the city I was born in, or Bucheon, city I lived in the past 2 years. Seoul is amazing, wonderful, so grand and so painful to be in. And yet I’m here again, in the city that holds so many memories that I want to forget. After all that happened I still came back here and bask myself in all of these memories of him, the man that I loved, Lee Taemin.

After dropping my bags at my new apartment I decided to re-familiarize myself with the city. I only wanted to stroll around the neighborhood and find some places to eat and hang out, the convenience store and the nearest bus stop. But what my mind wanted to forget, my heart never did. My feet took me to the café I used to hang out with him in the other side of the city, took me to the park we used to play around during summer, not forgetting the ice cream stand that sells his favorite ice cream. It’s a surprise that the same man is still there selling ice cream as if nothing has changed at all since the last time I was there.

I feel betrayed by my own body, and heart on this matter. I don’t understand why my subconscious still longs to remember that beautiful man I fell in love with during my university years. After finishing my studies I decided right away to move to Bucheon just to avoid him. I knew I couldn’t go back to Gwangmyeong because he would chase my down there and demand for explanation on why I decided to bail out on him without any convincing reason. How can you say to your straight best friend and roommate that you fell in love with him and you’re driving yourself insane just being with him, therefore deciding to move away? You can’t. At least I can’t.

I sit down on a bench by the Cheonggyecheon and sipped on the coffee I bought earlier. The autumn wind is chilly but strangely comforting. Taemin and I used to sit by this stream around this time of the year to enjoy the annual Seoul Lantern Festival. As usual they managed to put up spectacular lanterns for display. Taemin would always get excited and drag me around to inspect each and every one of them. Today I’m not in the mood to do that, so I just lean back and sip the coffee I bought earlier.

It’s not like I regretted spending time with him, in fact I could never be prouder to have been with him and having the honor to be his best friend. Taemin is a bubbly, kind, sometimes silly man. He’s a ball of sunshine that everyone wants to be around. I met him during orientation day at the university and we got along well ever since. But I guess we got too close too fast and one day I realized that I fell in love with him. It was a struggle for me, having no interest in men before him. I had an identity crisis. I fought with him often just to avoid developing deeper feelings for him. But it didn’t work, nothing worked. Every minute I spent with him just made me fall deeper, harder. I tried my best to keep it to myself but it was killing me. I never denied that I loved him but I couldn’t deny that I could never have him. So I knew that I had to go far, far away from him to keep myself sane.

I take another sip of my now lukewarm coffee and wonder just how long I’ve been here. It’s only the first day I’m back in Seoul and I already feel like it’s a bad idea. I didn’t really know why I took up the job opportunity here. I was doing just fine back in Bucheon but just like what has been happening today, I said yes without even having a second to think it through. The second I realized what I said it was too late. I am very sure that my whole entire being hates me.

I look around and see how people are having so much fun with their friends, family and lovers. I smile weakly to myself and try my best to enjoy the view. I haven’t seen this kind of scenery in 2 years and I will be immersing myself in this atmosphere for the next year at least, might as well enjoy it.

“Hyung?” I open my eyes that I don’t even realize I closed only to see a familiar man with dark brown hair and a beautiful girl by his side.

“Jinki hyung?” He has this shocked, confused expression. But there’s no mistaking that he’s definitely Taemin. And I want to jump in to the stream and swim all the way to the Han River and out to the Yellow Sea.

“H-hey, Taemin.” His face stays stoic as he talks to the girl who looks pissed and storms off with a huff. Once she’s out of sight Taemin sits down beside me, keeping a safe distance.

“Where have you been?” Taemin asks after a period of silence.

“Around.” I simply answer. He quickly snaps his head to face me and for a second I was afraid he would pull a muscle.

“Around? After disappearing for two years without contacting me you can only say that you’ve been ‘around’?” He sounds furious and I can’t bring myself to look at his face.

“I didn’t disappear. I left you a note before I left.” He scoffs and from the corner of my eyes I can see him rubbing his face in distress.

“Yeah, of course! A note in which you wrote when I was asleep, only for me to find it when I woke up with most of your clothes out of the closet! And you dare to send Kibum hyung to come and pack the rest of your stuff for you! What the hell did I ever do to you so that you can’t even look at my face even until now!” The venom in his voice is so apparent. And to think that I wanted this to happen, for him to hate me with such intensity so that it would be easier for me to forget him.

“Hyung answer me!” He grabs me by the collar and forcefully turns me to face him.

He looks so… I can’t even describe it in one word. Hurt, disappointed, confused? I look away and gently remove his hands.

“I can’t tell you.” I whisper, hoping and praying so hard that he won’t ask further and just leave me be.

“How dare you. What do you take me for? Am I so insignificant to you now that you can’t even give me a decent explanation? Have you ever considered how I would feel about this?”

I can feel my heart pounding so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t broken my ribcage. I can’t take this anymore. Old wounds are still wounds and I never thought the stitches are still capable of opening. I stand up and mumbled an apology before trying to make a run for it.

“You ing coward!” He shouts at me and the next thing I know I’m on the floor with a sting on my cheek, feeling a bruise forming already. I open and close my jaw, finding that it’s still working properly and look up at the fuming Taemin who just landed a punch on my face.

“You ran away from whatever problem you had with me and now you’re doing the same thing. Man up and tell me what the is wrong with you, you !” I only look at him as if he just grew another head. But it’s just too funny. It’s hilarious how I find this side of him still adorable. The way his cheek puffs up and the tip of his ears red from anger. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach, my chest tightens and the laughter bubbling up. And I just laugh and laugh and laugh on the floor like a madman with a bruise on my face.

“What the- Lee Jinki! What the hell are you laughing at! You want me to punch you again so that your brain will turn normal again?!” He stomps his foot and rests his arms on his hips. With how much ruckus we’re creating it’s almost amazing how we haven’t created a group of spectator yet.

I wipe the tear from my eyes and try to catch my breath. I look at him and it feels like the first time I saw him in a romantic light years ago. He’s still the same Taemin I fell in love with, a slight difference here and there but still the same personality. And after all these I years I find myself falling for him again.

“I loved you.” I smile and say barely above a whisper.

“H-huh? W-what?” I believe it’s going to be just like how I imagine his face is going to be when he hears the true reason I did what I did, his expression mortified, disgusted, and full of hatred. But his expression stays confused.

“I loved you. That’s why I couldn’t, can’t be with you. Hell, I don’t think I ever stopped loving you. So yeah, if you think that punching me can fix my brain somehow you might want to do that again. Of course, if you’re not too disgusted touching a like me.” Instead of landing another punch he just calmly makes his way back to the bench and sits down.

“How long? How long have you been in love with me?” I smile fondly remembering the time I accepted my own feelings towards Taemin. It was a few days before we went for a trip to Boryeong Mud Festival. I smeared his face with mud and the thing I remember the most is his dazzling smile.

“Mud festival.” I can see the gears in his head turning, counting the years.

“Ever since… That was during our second year… It’s been that long and you never told me…” He buries his face in his hands and I can only shrug.

“And risking the friendship we had? No way.” I get back on my feet and pats my pants to remove the dust.

“As if leaving me didn’t ruin our friendship.” I just sigh and run my hand through my hair. I’m getting a bad headache…

“You won’t understand. I loved you so much it hurts. In the end we just fought all the time. And I just couldn’t stay, you know? It’s just not fair for both of us. There was no point in me staying and no point in you knowing. That’s why I stayed at Kibum’s place before I decided to move away. I couldn’t find a better chance to go other than that time when we were not talking to each other.”

“But…” I walk over to the bench and grab my coffee.

“Whatever, Tae. It’s stupid anyway. Can we just pretend we didn’t run into each other today? I want to ice this bruise of mine and you should call your girlfriend to apologize. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but I hope we won’t run into each other anymore.” I turn to leave but I feel a tug on my sweater.

“She’s not my girlfriend! You know what, if it’s so stupid then turn around, face me and tell me you hate me.” I sigh and again, gently release myself from his grip.

“You know I can’t. As much as I want to run away as fast as I can like the coward I am, I can never say that I hate you.”

“Turn around and look at me.” He proceeds to grab my arm instead.

“Tae, just let me-“

“Look at me!” I stand still, collecting my nerves and turning back to face him. And I never, ever expected that kind of look from him. Tears b in his eyes, threatening to fall, his eyebrows scrunched into a frown and his right arm held up high near his face with a slim strand of braided leather bracelet with a dreamcatcher pendant snugly wrapped around his wrist.

“Do you remember this? The bracelet you gave me along with that stupid goodbye note? You said you want me to be happy and to chase my dreams. Not a day went by without me thinking about why you left so abruptly with little to no explanation. And you expect me to be happy? In these two years I’ve never felt so unhappy. You are selfish, hyung. You never thought about how it would feel like to be left behind. Kibum hyung never told me where you went even though I begged him to. Even Jonghyun hyun, your easily-bribed cousin, kept his mouth shut even when I offered him free restaurant vouchers to take Kibum hyung on a date. Even Minho hyung knows where you ran off to! Everybody knew but I have no slightest idea where you went. You were my best friend, hyung! Or was it only me who thought that way?” He’s playing the best friend card on me, and putting on his best pout. It’s not fair. But a game with Taemin is never fair because I know, and he knows, that I’ll lose to him.

“You’re the best, Tae. You know me and you know how I always put you first. Don’t question that.” I smile because it’s true, he’s the best and it’s such a shame that I can’t have him.

“Answer me, which hurts more, the time with me or away from me?”

“With you.” He flinches upon hearing my answer. And I can’t really blame him.

“Do you love me?” He looks up at me with an expression I can’t read.

“I loved you. So please let me go, don’t make me fall in love with you all over again. I don’t think my heart can take it.”

“No. I want you to stay and fall in love with me all over again.” I laugh at the ridiculousness of his request, and also because how I find his words adorably spoilt.

“Now who’s the selfish one?”

“You were selfish with your decisions. So now let me be selfish. I want you to stay in Seoul, be my friend again and start everything from the beginning. I won’t take no for an answer.” I can’t keep count on how many times I’ve sighed today. I think I forgot just how persistent this man can be.

“If you have an ounce of care for me, Taemin, you’ll try to understand me and let me go.” I fail to understand how this man thinks. Has he changed so much?

“If you have an ounce of care for me, Jinki, you’ll stay.”

“Tae, please…”

“Because I love you.” Wait. What?

“D-don’t joke with me, Taemin.” He stands up and grabs my sweater and… kisses me. It feels like time stopped the moment his lips touched mine. My head is blank and I just can’t make sense of what is happening. I could only dream of kissing him but now I can feel his soft, plump lips on mine and here I am standing here like a dead fish. He pulls away and rests his forehead on the crook of my neck. I still have the time to look around to see some people glaring at me for such indecency while others just don’t care.

“Does that look like a joke to you, hyung?” I decide not to answer, silently begging for more words from him.

“I never really thought of you in any specific way before you left because I think that you’ll always stay by my side. But when you left I was so lost, I didn’t know what to do or think or feel. I… I felt that you left with a huge chunk of my life so suddenly and I just can’t… I can’t, you know? You were such a big part of my life, hyung. And I want you to be in my life again. Will you?”

At this exact moment I’m having a mental battle with myself. This whole situation caught me by surprise and I’m not ready for it. What if Taemin is only playing with my feelings, getting revenge for what I’ve done to him? But he’s not this type of person, he’s not vengeful or capable of doing horrible things. What if he’s telling the truth? Oh how amazing it would be but what will happen? What will others think? What will they say? How do I fix a relationship that I broke on purpose in the first place?

“Don’t think too much, just say yes.” Taemin brought me back from my thoughts with his words but it only makes me think even more. Should I throw caution to the wind? Should I protect my heart like what I’ve been doing these past years and yet fail too? What to do?

“Hyung. I love you.” The sincerity in his eyes and that same dazzling smile I’ve seen so many times, the feeling of how close he is to me, how can I resist?

Hopefully I can add and overwrite whatever memory of Taemin I have around Seoul, and just maybe exchange it to fond memories of us.