I’ve spent many trainee years with him, watching him dance. I’d hunch in a corner and watch him prance across the training room, expressing his heart to an audience of air.

He slumped in another corner after an intense session of dance. His feet were frozen because the heat in the company was off, his stomach was grumbling because he had skipped his meals, but yet he stayed up late polishing his dance over and over.

“I have to start again…must…practice.” He stood up.

I had the urge to stop him, but I stayed silent and watched him embrace the night air for the billionth time.

       I’ve watched him so much that I know what he would always do for each song. He’d always start by shuffling to the right three steps, and the first bass line he’d always spread his muscular arms and always turn counterclockwise.

Always.

       You can call me a stalker, and maybe I am. But I couldn’t help but be fascinated by him. The first day I stumbled on his practice session in the training room, I stood and watched him for three hours. That day I forgot to eat my dinner, lost three hours of studying time, and also missed my appointment with my dentist, but I regret nothing.

       You can also say that I obsessed over him too much, maybe I did. I even went to the limit to asking another fellow trainee about him. My relationship with him is as if…I had a disease of being a fan of his dances. I badly, wanted to become friends with this royalty.

       I still can’t forget him, to this day. No matter how many times I tried getting a girlfriend to forget him or I made new friends, I never gave up.

One day he’ll awake from his sleep. He’ll come back to me, we’ll relive our friendship.

       You can finish off by lecturing me that a person never forgets their first love. That, you will only get half credit for; he never once left my mind, but he wasn’t my love.

“Aigoo, so late. I guess I’ll have to go to slee---OMO WHO ARE YOU?!” he jumped back from my outline in the dark.

“I’M LEE DONGHAE.” I said loudly.

“Ah, anneyonghaseyo, Donghae-sshi. Lee Hyukjae imnida, call me Eunhyuk.”

“Neh. I really love your dancing~”

       That was a stupid first meeting, if I have to say so myself. I was too shy, immature, and a stalker. But I have to thank him for how he reacted because he never once pointed them out. Instead, he smiled.

How I miss his smile now. The one where his eyes squint slightly and his gummies appear. That one smile that could always light up my day, always cheer me up, and always show that he’d be here for me.

       I regret believing that smile, because he is nowhere near me. He could be near me in a very strange way, but I still get mad at myself every so often for thinking that he’d be here forever.

“Haaaee~! Guess what?”

“Yes, Hyukkie?” I grumbled.

That stupid math teacher of mine. I’d clearly excused myself with a note because I had a vocal session with Mr. Kim, but there she goes, marking me absent for skipping class.

“Never mind, Hae. What’s wrong?” He immediately turned solemn upon seeing my discouraged face.

“It’s that math teacher, isn’t it? It’s okay, we’ll think of something. Let’s build an evil snowman and give it a sword so it can kill her.”

Then he displayed his wide, proud smile upon seeing that I laughed.

       I walked down the halls of SM Entertainment. Another day without my best friend, another day alone.

With each night I spend alone in the company building, the more my sadness and regret build up. If only that car never came down that road. If only that owner of the car never bought the damn car. If only the dealer never sold the car to him.

If only I haven’t invited him to that coffee meeting that stupid day. If only I’d controlled my temper and didn’t get shouted at by the math teacher. If only we built that evil snowman earlier.

All those if only’s. All those stupid if only’s.

“Never mind, I’ll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best, for you too.

Don’t forget me, I pray, I remember you say,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

       That’s weird. Nobody practices in the building at this time of night.

Nobody except my crazy friend Lee Eunhyuk.

       I snapped. I ran down the hall and turned the corner and almost crashed into the wall. I kept going. I followed the melody of the music. I followed what my brain told me to do; I followed the map of the building imprinted in my memory. I followed our times together, the days when we used to sneak in at night and dance.

“Hyukkie, don’t you think we’ll get caught?”

“A-aniyo. I-I bet it’s fine.” He stuttered.

I rolled my eyes. “Eunhyuk, you sound double as nervous as me.”

“Aish, let’s just practice one song, okay? Please?”

“Yeah, okay.”

The entire building was dark except for some people about to debut. Our first time practicing after hours, and we avoided everything that might get our asses in trouble.

       The door was only open slightly. I peeked in and saw a figure dancing his heart out, his hands contacting the breeze swiftly, as if an angel descended.

Lee Eunhyuk?

       The song ended and the person groaned. “Kay, one more time. Last time, then I’ll go sleep. One final try to get this down.”

The same song ended for the fifth time. Is he gonna stop now? Is he gonna change the song? He can do the dance blindfolded, and still finish it perfectly. My feet fell asleep from hiding in the same place too long.

“Aish, one more time. Last time, then I’ll go back to the dorm. Last try to do this right.”

       The song started and the figure shuffled across the room. Although he didn’t exactly slide as if on ice, he never stumbled. Then as the first bass line popped in, he opened his arms as if jumping off a cliff, and then he turned.

He turned counterclockwise.

“Hey, Hyukkie, I have a question. When I used to…y’know, watch you, why do you always turn counterclockwise?
”Hae, you ask the craziest questions.”

I rolled my eyes. “Just answer.”

“Well, you might laugh.”

“I promise.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

“It’s because I feel as if the wind wants me to turn that way. I don’t like planned routines; I like to allow the earth to take my body where it wants. That’s why I freestyle so much.”

       At that time, I did laugh. I felt and still feel bad for it; the way this hurt look crossed his face. But I didn’t laugh mockingly. I laughed with shock because it’s exactly what I feel when I dance. It’s as if I’m being controlled by a soul blended into the air. I should’ve told him, but I didn’t. And what made things worse is that he forgave me, really fast. He shouldn’t have.

I’m a horrible friend.

       Before I could realize it, the door I was leaning on opened. I stumbled into the room, and felt embarrassed for intruding on his private time. Maybe it’s because I know how it feels to be interrupted like that.

       “D-Donghae sunbaenim?” the kid looked up at me with shocked and scared eyes, thinking I was going to punish him.

“Omo…mianhamnida. I’m so sorry…I-I’ll leave right now.” I tripped on the way to the door.

Way to go, Donghae.

“A-aniyo! You didn’t disturb anything, I’m sorry for practicing late at night…please don’t tell Soo Man sunbaenim!”

“No! No way! You know... I used to practice here too. With a close friend of mine. We were scared that the sunbaes would come and catch us, and then we’d get kicked out. We never did…but yeah. You’re a very good dancer.”

“Eunhyuk, turn the volume down! We’ll get caught!” I whisper-shouted.

“But I can’t hear the song if it’s too low~ please?” he looked at me desperately.

“Fine, but if we get kicked out, you’re paying for my meals for the rest of my life.”

“Neh, deal.”

       “Sunbaenim? Are you okay?” the dancer looked at me worriedly, concern vibrating from his eyes.

“Oh! Yeah, I’m fine, thanks. I…uh, have a question.”

“Hey, Hyukkie, I have a question. When I used to…y’know, watch you, why do you always turn counterclockwise?

“Of course, sunbaenim.”

“Why do you turn counterclockwise?”

His face flushed red, rose crawling from his neck to his cheeks.

 “Sunbaenim, you won’t laugh?”

“Well, you might laugh.”

“I won’t laugh, I promise.”

“I promise.”

“Well…I get this feeling that when I dance the signals aren’t send from my brain. Its’ like they’re sent from somewhere else that just flows into my body…like the wind wants me to turn counterclockwise. I prefer freestyle over choreograph.”

“It’s because I feel as if the wind wants me to turn that way. I don’t like planned routines; I like to allow the earth to take my body where it wants. That’s why I freestyle so much.”

He looked down at his shoes, then at me, then at his wrist. “Omo! It’s so late, I must go!”

“Yes, yes, have a good sleep. Oh yeah, what’s your name?”

His eyes just stared at me then, like a lost puppy. He flew out the door and all I heard was a small ‘lee hyuk…’

       I searched all over the company for him. I begged the secretary to look at the updated list of trainees, I asked all the managers, I went searching at night in every single practice room. All I got in return was emptiness. Empty stares, empty answers, empty rooms.

Once I realized that the child named lee Hyuk-something never even had a watch on his wrist.

“Hae, we’re late, look at the time!” Eunhyuk whined.

I looked over at his wrist. Yeah, a clock of nothing.

“Hyung, grow up~” I groaned.

You could call me crazy. Call me a stalker, call me obsessive, and call me ‘love’ struck.

But you can’t change the fact that at night, I stay in the practice room, behind that same old curtain, watching the sky’s wind and stars dance their finales for me quietly.

Or the fact that the last night I spent behind the curtain was the night that the heavens whispered ‘lee hyuk jae’ in my ears.