(n.) A homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.

 

        Ilhoon was a nomad. A wanderer. A nobody. If his body was found in the middle of an alley no one would miss him, no one would claim his rotting corpse. He was okay with that though. Never really bothered him. 

        He was this way by choice. He had had a decent family. They never pissed him off. They never struggled with money. But he was always very independent so when he turned ten he realized he didn't belong with such a simple minded family that believed they were fine the way they were. So he left. 

        He begged on the streets and got a job as a paper boy. He lived on the streets during the summer and saved enough money to rent a sleazy and disgusting apartment in the middle of Seventh street. It never really felt like home. Just a building he slept in. 

 

        It was during his paper route when he was seventeen that he went by a very simple house. It was two stories and white, there was a small porch on one side and two bright green bushes that rested in front of the two four-panel windows. Normally he would just throw the paper onto the lawn like any normal house but at normal houses at 4:30 am the owners weren't outside waiting for the paper boy. Ilhoon always just threw the paper at the creepy mans feet. On the days he was feeling daring he would look into the man's eyes...his deep brown eyes. 

        Something about the man intrigued Ilhoon, he knew it must have been weird (the guy had to have been twice his age) so in late June (the time Ilhoon was living on the streets), Ilhoon had decided he would approach the man. 

        "Why are you awake this early? What kind of job do you have? It's unsettling seeing you here every morning. I don't like it." Ilhoon was very blunt with the man as he held onto the paper. If he was going to approach him he wanted to get all his questions out in one go.

        "I'm...sorry you feel that way." The man looked perplex as he gave a confused smile, " I just got back from work actually and I like to read the paper before I go to sleep."

        "What's your job?" Ilhoon asked again, still clutching the paper like it was his last possession on earth. 

        "I'm a radio host." he replied. Ilhoon shoved the paper at his chest and the man fumbled to grab it as Ilhoon walked briskly back to his bike and zipped off, tossing the papers into everyone else's lawns. 

 

        Every morning Ilhoon saw him and every morning he tossed the paper at the mans feet not bothering to look at his gorgeous brown eyes. 

 

        It was when Ilhoon was sleeping on a park bench at midnight that someone had tapped him on the shoulder. He groaned thinking it was officer Yook who was going to tell him to go home. "Alright, I'm going." Ilhoon replied without opening his eyes as he shakily sat up.

        "I was just wondering if I could sit down." The voice answered. Ilhoon jerked his eyes open as he saw the same man from his paper route. 

        "I thought you worked at this time?" He felt insecure, he didn't like having him on the bench with him. Felt vulnerable. 

        "My schedule's different this week. New guy was hired, Changsub, he's an idiot so he needs training from our manager." Ilhoon smirked at the man's insult of his coworker. 

        "What's your name mister?" Hyunsik winced a little at the title, it made him seem old. He didn't like it.

        "Hyunsik," he smiled and sat down, "and yours?"

        "Ilhoon."

        "Where do you live Ilhoon?" 

        "Little creepy to ask a stranger that question, especially a minor." Ilhoon eyed Hyunsik up and down. The bulky jacket made him seem fat. Like a Dango.

        "Well someone who has a home doesn't sleep on a park bench." Hyunsik smiled kindly at the younger boy before looking up into the sky. He sighed and just stared at the stars. He seemed at ease.

        "Are you suggesting I don't have a home?" Ilhoon looked him dead in the eyes and Hyunsik smiled again up at the sky. 

        "So is this park bench your home?" 

        "It's my bed. That's it."

        "That's sad." Hyunsik looked at Ilhoon with bright eyes, he looked like the type to have his whole life planned out, to have a future and to be prepared for everything. Someone who had a place to call home.

        "Is it?" Ilhoon was just staring at him but not listening to the words coming out of his mouth. He was beautiful, the way his eyes were slightly more "Asian" then most. How his lips moved in time with the sounds emitting from the hole in his face. He wasn't particularly great looking for being in the prime of his life but he was decent. Well built. Nice broad chin. 

        "So what do you say?"

        "What?" Ilhoon was shaken from his thoughts as the man waited for an answer.

        "Stay at my house tonight. Get you a good meal."

        "Thanks but no thanks. Mama taught me not to talk to strangers." Ilhoon's done this before. But he never liked the outcome. One time the woman took advantage of him just when he was thirteen. The time after that the couple tried to adopt him and put him in therapy and school. When he was fifteen the man just used him as a way to pick up chicks. This world sickened him and made him want to throw up all his insides. He didn't need a home, just a park bench.

        "You look a little hungry." 

        "I'm not." Ilhoon's stomach betrayed him and let out a painfully vociferous growl. Ilhoon groaned. Hyunsik smirked in amusement.

        "Let me buy you dinner at least." Ilhoon nodded in agreement.

 

        Later on in the week Ilhoon was still met by Hyunsik in the morning, and each morning Hyunsik waved and said hello. Ilhoon chose to ignore him. The man was slowly creeping into his life. Just like the creep he was. He continued to buy Ilhoon dinner (even if it was cheap ramen from the convenience store). And each time they would learn more about each other.Hyunsik played piano and guitar! Ilhoon ran away from home when he was ten. Hyunsik had a love for art, especially from acclaimed artists such as Claude Monet and Basil Howard. Ilhoon's parents never tried to look for him. Hyunsik's favorite movie was Notting Hill. Ilhoon didn't care much for movies. 

        So much difference between the two but slowly they grew comfortable with each other. Hyunsik had rented a motel room for Ilhoon for about two weeks when Ilhoon finally decided to take him up in his original offer to stay at his house. Ilhoon stayed with him for awhile. Hyunsik was kind and never forced him to cook, clean or do anything really. Ilhoon was there for free.

        Hyunsik would prepare all the meals for Ilhoon, make his bed and even buy him clothes. He left an extra towel in the bathroom for when Ilhoon took showers (which was practically twice a day). He never asked Ilhoon personal questions like what happened to his parents (he learned that he shouldn't ask after their first night at the diner). Or how Ilhoon got into this predicament. Or if he had an education. Hyunsik was nice. Not like most people who took Ilhoon in who had a hidden agenda. Even though Hyunsik was nice, Ilhoon still kept his guard up. He seemed too good to be true.

 

        "So I was wondering," Ilhoon started a conversation one night as him and Hyunsik sat down for dinner, "why don't you have a girlfriend? I mean you're obviously attractive and kind." He was feeling a bit daring.

        "My fiance died four years ago." Hyunsik said flatly, as if it didn't even bother him.

        "Oh I'm- sorry.." 
        Hyunsik shook his head, "Don't be, it's in the past. Nothing I can do about it now."

        "It must hurt though." Ilhoon wasn't good with emotions, but he honestly felt sorry for Hyunsik.

        "It does, but I'm moving on." Ilhoon nodded, for some reason that made him happy.

        "What about you?" Hyunsik inquired, "why don't you have a girlfriend? You're obviously very independant."

        "Haha very funny." Ilhoon frowned as Hyunsik let out a laugh.

 

        Time went on and they spent more time together. Ilhoon started working at a local grocery store instead of doing his paper route and Hyunsik got promoted in his job so he only worked during the day. Things went smoothly, Hyunsik was the closest thing to family Ilhoon had. His house wasn't home, per-say, but it was the closest Ilhoon had ever gotten.

 

        Ilhoon had wondered what he had done to anger the gods because as soon as he saw her that morning his whole world changed. Minjoo was apparently a girl that Hyunsik had bumped into on his way home from work. High school sweetheart. She had been visiting their house frequently in the afternoons and soon at night. Till Ilhoon started to see her early in the morning. He knew what was happening he wasn't stupid but he still tried to ignore it. Act like she wasn't even there. That became especially hard when she tried to start conversation with him. He didn't hate her he just disliked her presence in Hyunsik's home. 

 

        "You know, Minjoo is really trying to make a good impression on you and you're acting like a brat." Hyunsik saw the hurt expression on Ilhoon's face and tried to reason with him, "I'd appreciate it if you just gave her a chance." 

        "You know Hyunsik, I'm tired of giving people chances. I'm tired of trusting people. I'm tired of bull. I'm just plain tired. I never should have lived with you." Ilhoon stood up from the living room couch and walked out the door. Hyunsik quickly followed him and saw Ilhoon running down the street. 

        "You can't just keep running away Ilhoon!" He called out but Ilhoon ignored him and kept running. 

 

        Ilhoon snuck into a club, he sat down on a bar stool and rested his head into his hands, rubbing his face painfully. 

        "What's a handsome thing like you doin' in a dirty place like this?" A seductive tone asked.

        "Running." Ilhoon replied without lifting his head.

        "Can I buy you a drink?" 

        "Just soju." Ilhoon replied.

        "I think we can do better than that." The voice was smiling. "Two Vodka bottles." 

        "What's your name?" Ilhoon asked as he looked up and saw a red haired man.

        "Minhyuk."

        "I'm Ilhoon."

        "Nice to meet you Ilhoon." He smirked.

 

        Before Ilhoon knew it he was in the grungy bathroom, the man groping his body and his neck as he undressed Ilhoon quickly. They were drunk and the was sloppy. It hurt Ilhoon's the way the guy pounded into him. It didn't feel good. He wanted to cry but he was so angry with himself that he couldn't bring himself to do it. He let Minhyuk pound him and make him moan, he let him touch him where he never wanted to be touched but his anger was so strong and he just needed to feel something. He tried to imagine Minhyuk as Hyunsik but he knew Hyunsik would never be this rough. Hyunsik was kind and gentle and Minhyuk was and rough. He didn't like it. 

 

        The cell phone that Hyunsik had gotten Ilhoon was in constant vibration. Texts and calls from Hyunsik were signaling his worry. After a week of being with Minhyuk, ing at least three times a day, stopping only to eat and sleep did he finally have enough and decided to leave and go back to Hyunsik.

 

        He knocked three times and the door swung open, a wide eyed Hyunsik stared at Ilhoon as he pulled him into a bone crushing hug. "Where the have you been?" Hyunsik hissed, he held Ilhoons head to his chest and just hugged him. There was no sign of Minjoo. 

        "I'm...s-sorry." Ilhoon chocked out. He was tearing up.

        "Don't scare me like that again Ilhoon."

        "I won't." Ilhoon wrapped his arms around Hyunsik's broad shoulders, he felt safe.

        "This is your home, don't ever leave it unless you're leaving with me. Got it?" 

        "My home?" Ilhoon's eyes went wide. Hyunsik was right, his home was this place and the only time his home would change was wherever he and Hyunsik went. Hyunsik was his home.

        "I love you Hyunsik."

        "I love you too Ilhoon."

        Ilhoon looked into Hyunsik's eyes and Hyunsik smiled softly as he leaned down and captured Ilhoon's lips in the most soothing, loving kiss that Ilhoon had ever felt. 

       Ilhoon finally had a home.