Title - lyrics from State of Grace by Taylor Swift

Hyukjae tapped the side of his mug with his fingertips, using the pad of his fingers so he didn’t make a sound. He shifted awkwardly in his seat as brown eyes scoured the kitchen, living and dining room of the small apartment. After an uncomfortable cough, the guest smiled at Hyukjae.

“So…” he began and picked up the drink offered to him: warm, green tea. “This is where you’ve been living?”

Hyukjae swallowed and cleared his throat, ignoring the hint of disapproval in his friend’s tone. “Yeah.”

Junsu was scanning the interior again. Hyukjae could see the gears in his head working, probably thinking of what to say about the accommodation without offending him. Hyukjae knew perfectly well himself that it was no paradise, but he had come to like – or appreciate, more so – what he had. It was by no means great but it was enough for him. After all, it was just him here and he didn’t have to impress anyone with what he had, and that he found rather refreshing. He could choose where the cups go, how the plates are stacked, what design cushions and themes he wanted.

“How have you been?” Junsu asked instead, opting out of making a comment that was most likely going to sound negative no matter how he phrased it. “It’s strange without you back in Busan.”

Is it? Hyukjae shrugged. “I’ve been okay.”

Another awkward silence engulfed them. Hyukjae found it so strange how a few months between them could make their friendship deteriorate so much. They had grown up together with the same dream of being dancers. Now they could hardly look each other in the eye for a few seconds. Junsu had business here in Seoul so he came to stop by, which Hyukjae was grateful for. However, it nagged at him that Junsu wouldn’t have come visit him at all if he didn’t have another reason to come to Seoul. Still, at least he came.

“We thought you’d come back,” Junsu chuckled and took a quick sip of his tea. “We didn’t think you were serious when you said you were leaving.”

That’s the thing. You didn’t think about me. Hyukjae was just about to respond with those words that just ran through his head, but then he bit his tongue. Junsu has been the one who told him to get out of the relationship with Chungo, so he had cared and looked out for him. He was his childhood best friend. Feeling guilty, Hyukjae gave a small smile. “Seoul’s not too bad.”

“You know, if you ever want to come back,” Junsu began, and Hyukjae raised his head in curiosity, “the studio is still yours too.” At his words, he pulled out his wallet and produced a slip of paper that resembled a cheque. “Oh here, this is your third.”

Hyukjae frowned at his offer, which had been followed by a repayment. What was Junsu trying to say? “But if I accept this, the studio won’t be mine. How could I go back then?” A frown made its way onto his face.

Junsu realised the contradiction of his words and actions and smiled sheepishly. “Ah, well I thought you may need money. If you want to keep your third and come back then that’s cool too.”

Hyukjae stared at the cheque. Now he knew what Junsu had come to do. He felt some heavy weight in his stomach as he leaned over and took the cheque from Junsu’s extended hand. “It’s yours and Yunho’s now. Thanks.”

“Hyukjae –” Junsu started.

“I have to leave soon. You need to go too,” Hyukjae said coldly as he stood up and placed the cheque on his kitchen counter. Junsu looked guilty but didn’t try to apologize again. He silently left the apartment.

Sighing, Hyukjae walked to his room and fell back onto the bed tiredly. He reached for his phone on his pillow and glanced at the time. In a few minutes Donghae was supposed to come pick him up for a date but all of a sudden he didn’t feel like going. He supposed having the dance studio was a little confidence boost for him. Now that he lost his share, he felt his heart deflate. He didn’t want to cancel but he didn’t know if he could put on a happy face today. He juggled with whether he should call or text. Donghae was probably already on his way, so he wouldn’t be able to pick up the call, but he wouldn’t be able to read the text either. He decided on a text saying he was feeling unwell, hoping Donghae saw it before he came up, and sent it quickly. Then he closed his eyes and let himself wallow in his self-pity.

Did Junsu only visit him to give him back the money he spent to buy the building? Didn’t he have any other reason? Weren’t friend supposed to rock up just for the sake of seeing each other?

His ringtone disrupted him from the relentless questions and he answered it, seeing that it was Donghae calling. “Hello?”

“Hey, I just got here. Are you okay?”

Hyukjae rolled over onto his stomach. “Sorry. I should have said earlier. I just feel a bit under the weather.”

“Well I’ll come up and check on you,” Donghae replied, voice caring and gentle, only making Hyukjae feel bad for partially lying. He did feel down, just not sick in the usual way.

“No, it’s alright. I’m fine by myself,” Hyukjae said quickly. He didn’t want to put on a brave face right now, and he didn’t want to break down in front of the other either. Nevertheless, he got up and walked to the main room, staring at the door and expecting it to open. Donghae could be quite stubborn, and he often did whatever he felt like anyway. Hyukjae couldn’t deny that he liked that about him. Sometimes he was too shy to voice what he wanted, and even when he protested, Donghae just kind of understood what to do.

“Alright then. Get some rest. If you need anything, call me, okay?” Donghae said gently.

Hyukjae almost, almost called.

“Why do I have to be keeper?” Sooyeon whined as she pulled back her hear into a high ponytail and braided the ends. “The grass is still wet and, ew, there’s mud on my shoe.”

“Because I said so, and toughen up princess,” Donghae rolled his eyes at his cousin and even kicked more mud her way. She shrieked and sunk further into the goals. “You have to stand in front, here.”

“Then you do it if you’re so good!”

It had rained that morning so the park field was still damp and humid and rather muggy, but Yesung and Donghae had this need to play soccer every day, so on their training free days they went to a usually uncrowded park (to avoid being recognised, of course). Today they had more than usual, with a lot of the café staff joining in as the store was closed that day, as well as some family, friends and a few of their close teammates. Hyukjae had felt anxious when Donghae said lots of people were coming, but it wasn’t all as bad as he thought it would be. For starters, now he didn’t feel so much pressure playing soccer as there were more in the teams. He felt a bit self-conscious at first, but after seeing a few other people play that were not good either, he was able to loosen up.

“Hyuk,” Donghae said after he was done bossing around Sooyeon. “Don’t push yourself if you feel unwell.”

“No, I’m better now,” Hyukjae smiled, feeling that warmness spreading through his chest at Donghae’s consideration.

Donghae stopped in front of him, glancing in all directions like he was summing up courage. He looked a bit conflicted. After a few attempts at speaking, he finally managed to talk. “Uh… is there anything on your mind?”

“No?” Hyukjae said, puzzled by the unsure sounding question and Donghae’s hesitation.

“Oh. Okay,” Donghae replied and grinned, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You can tell me if there was.”

Since there was a lot of people around, some who were close to Donghae and some who weren’t, Hyukjae quickly reached over and squeezed Donghae’s hand. It had just been a few seconds but it wiped the fake grin off Donghae’s face and was replaced with a genuine one. “I know.”

Donghae chuckled, previous hesitation forgotten, and flicked Hyukjae's cheek before walking towards the centre of the field to start off the game. Hyukjae rubbed the cheek with a small pout but the slight stinging was by no means painful, just a bit uncomfortable.  

He secretly admired Donghae, the way he just looked so right in a loose top and shorts, wearing sneakers with half of his hair pulled back. Or maybe it was just because he was on a field. Donghae belonged here – he was confident in his element. Hyukjae, on the other hand, had never felt quite like that, and had long accepted he probably never would. Perhaps he was too picky about places. Nonetheless, for now at least, he knew he should be in Seoul.

“Just don’t judge, okay?” Hyukjae mumbled as Donghae followed him out of the elevator and into the hall. The slowly walked passed apartment doors, one walking nervously whilst the other took slow steps, inspecting the walls and taking in the interior of the building. Somehow, Hyukjae had been able to resist Donghae from seeing his crappy apartment, but today the soccer player had been extremely unyielding.

“It’s just an apartment,” Hyukjae had said as he stepped out of the black Audi and tried his best to softly brush Donghae off.

“But it’s weird that I haven’t seen it yet,” he complained and turned the engine off, quickly unbuckling his seatbelt. “I'll get worried if you don’t show me.”

Hyukjae pressed his lips into a thin line, debating if he should just break and make a run for it, but Donghae was giving him the goofiest smile and waiting for him to start walking (and he'd probably outrun him anyway). And really, from the look on his face, he wasn’t going to back down. “Fine,” Hyukjae said, earning a bigger smile from the orange-haired.

“Why would I judge? We all started off like this. I did too,” Donghae said as Hyukjae lead him to his apartment. “The only thing I’m judging is your reluctance.”

“It’s just – it’s not – it’s not like, great, or anything… In fact it’s pretty bad,” Hyukjae said, hoping this would deter Donghae, which it did not.

Donghae took a few extra strides to walk beside Hyukjae, putting an arm around his shoulders. “Hyuk, you came from Busan by yourself with hardly any money. I don’t expect a penthouse. I just want to know where you live and that you’re safe and the apartment is safe and this neighbourhood is – actually, now that I mention it, this area is a bit shifty…”

Hyukjae unlocked the door, his nerves unintentionally tuning the other out. He grabbed the cool doorknob with a hesitant hand and glanced up quickly at Donghae, then changed his mind and looked back at the closed door. It’s just Donghae. Donghae doesn’t make fun of him or is rude to him. He gives Hyukjae tickets to his games and sends silly texts and lets him hang out at the café with Sooyeon and Ryeowook. If he couldn’t trust Donghae, who could he trust? Donghae was different.

Hyukjae pushed the door forward and made a small, uncertain gesture as if he was revealing something grand. Donghae stepped inside the room and Hyukjae was immediately reading his reaction. The soccer player didn’t say anything at first, his eyes just scanning over the design and furniture – over the small couch and beaten up coffee table and worn out carpet. Hyukjae averted his gaze onto his shoes as he waited for Donghae to say something. He wasn’t ashamed of what he had – no, he had come to accept his apartment and perhaps grow a little fond of it – but he was anxious of Donghae’s reaction. He didn’t think there was anything overly positive to say, but as long as it wasn’t insulting.

“I’m glad,” Donghae said softly and turned to look at a surprised and confused Hyukjae.

“About what?” Hyukjae asked.

Donghae smiled as his eyes briefly swept around the room again. “I thought it was going to be worse.” His eyes widened in alarm as he realised his words, “Not that this is bad! I don’t mean…”

Hyukjae laughed quietly. “It’s okay.”

“I’m just glad you have a place to stay. I thought, since you were so reluctant, that it’d be like a one room apartment…” Donghae brought Hyukjae closer to him and placed a soft kiss on his lips. “I didn’t want you to be having a hard time, is all.”

A rush of happiness spread through Hyukjae’s body at the words, traveling to the tips of his fingers and right down to his toes. “Well the look is one thing. I can’t comment on how good the place works – if you know what I mean.”

“You get clean water, right? And electricity?” Donghae asked urgently.

“Mm… hot water is a problem sometimes. I have to get the air-con fixed. And the pipes,” Hyukjae mumbled, his eyebrows furrowing together in stress as he thought of all the repairs he had to do.

Donghae frowned. “Well if you need help, I can always –”

“No, Donghae, I’m not taking money off of you,” he cut him off, already knowing what he was suggesting. He knew Donghae was just being nice, but he came to Seoul on his own; this was his responsibility.

“But it’s no big deal,” Donghae insisted.

“Not to you,” Hyukjae said, brushing off the proposal. He didn’t want to owe anyone anything, besides, he didn’t think they had been dating long enough for him to borrow money. It just wasn’t fair to Donghae. “It’s fine. I’ll manage by myself.”

For a second, Hyukjae thought he may have seen a flicker of hurt flash across Donghae’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared. “Alright.” He tilted his head to the direction of the living room and raised an eyebrow. “I couldn’t help but notice you don’t have a TV.”

“Oh…Yeah… about that…”

They had been dating for three months and fifteen days when they took the next step on the physical aspect of their relationship. It hadn’t been rushed or planned or awkward between them.

It just sort of happened.

The reason it had taken a while for them to make it to the bed, having surpassed make out sessions and some groping ages ago, was Hyukjae’s hesitance. He worried that it would hurt him in the long run. After all, even Chungho got bored of him in bed and went to seek pleasure elsewhere. Hyukjae was not extremely adventurous in bed, everything was pretty vanilla, but he wasn’t unwilling to try. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, he never got that sense of trust with Chungho and felt uncomfortable trying anything new with him. Perhaps that had been what prompted it. Either way, he was troubled by the thought that by having it would cause their relationship to end and he would just be hurt even more. Nowadays, he knew tended not to be such a big deal, but maybe he was old-fashioned, because it was a big deal to him, a very big deal.

That’s why it had been Hyukjae who initiated it first. It had to be, as Donghae was too sweet, always taking into account Hyukjae’s previous relationship. Hyukjae knew there had been times Donghae had wanted to– he felt Donghae’s hands slide just under his shirt to brush against his bare skin, or how he’d reluctantly pull away when his kisses on Hyukjae’s neck began to travel too low, and when he slightly pushed against Hyukjae to coax him to lie down.

But he never took it any further.

There had been times Hyukjae wished he did, because he himself was too shy to make the first move. But eventually, Hyukjae accepted they were never going to get anywhere without him braving up, so one night when they had been tangled on the couch, the movie long forgotten, he removed his hands from Donghae’s long strands and brought them down slowly to Donghae’s half buttoned plaid shirt (as he liked to wear another t-shirt underneath). Hyukjae nervously ed it, his fingers slightly shaky and a bit sweaty. Donghae hadn’t even noticed what he was doing, too engaged in their kiss, that he was caught completely by surprise when Hyukjae tugged it off his shoulders. Donghae felt the article of clothing being pushed off, and parted from him, allowing Hyukjae to remove the shirt with a red, embarrassed face.

“Shut up,” Hyukjae whispered before Donghae could say anything. He lowered his eyes and fidgeted underneath his scrutinizing stare.

Then Donghae chuckled quietly and leaned forward, his hands slipping under Hyukjae’s own t-shirt and massaging his thin waist, reconnecting their lips.

Soon, layers of clothes were being pulled off of each other and dropped carelessly onto the floor, and sometime during then they stood up and walked up the stairs to Donghae’s room after lots of pressing against walls and knocking into furniture. Donghae wasn’t usually a big talker during which suited Hyukjae just fine – the occasional and teasing was nice, but sometimes he liked the lack of conversation. That was why when Hyukjae unbuckled his belt and slipped out of his boxers, Donghae didn’t make a comment to further embarrass the other. Instead, Donghae just smiled gently as he scanned the newly exposed skin. The only time he did speak, besides the occasional whispers of Hyukjae’s name, was to ask if he was okay.

Hyukjae remembers having barely enough energy afterwards to shower, but he insisted because he couldn’t sleep all sweaty and covered in the aftermath of their activities. Donghae pouted and complained but he allowed Hyukjae to drag him out of bed and shower quickly. Hyukjae had felt incredibly happy as he stood under the hot stream of water with an exhausted Donghae – Chungho never wanted to clean up after at night, claiming Hyukjae ruined the moment by wanting to shower. Those nights he had trouble sleeping because of the dirty sheets and his sticky body. Afterwards, Hyukjae was going to change the sheets too, but Donghae grabbed his hand and stopped him, taking him to the nearest guest bedroom instead and falling asleep there.

Though Hyukjae would like to say they woke up and bathed in the sunshine together and lazed around in bed all morning, that wasn’t quite what happened. Instead, Donghae’s five o’clock alarm went off and he had to get up, with lots of yawns, and prepare for his training. He pecked a sleepy Hyukjae good bye, telling him to take it easy, before hurriedly leaving. Hyukjae went back to sleep almost instantly and woke up three hours later and only because Bada came into the room and began his face and running around on the bed. He snuggled with the white ball of fluff for a few minutes before stretching out his sore body. He had intended to clean up the rest of the mess they made in the house, so had been shocked when he saw the bed freshly made with new sheets, and their clothes already in the laundry. That’s when he realised Donghae’s housekeeper must have been here, and she would have definitely known what they got up to last night if the stained sheets or trail of clothes wasn’t a dead giveaway.

Hyukjae helped the housekeeper tidy up the house, which she greatly appreciated as she ranted on and on about Donghae’s messy living habits. Then he worked on a choreograph that he wanted to teach the students at school before he collapsed back into bed with an excited Bada.

“I could get used to this,” Donghae murmured as he jumped onto the bed and tackled a tired Hyukjae and Bada, still fully dressed in the clothes he had worn to training.

Hyukjae jolted back as Bada barked before his owner’s face. “Donghae! You’re all sweaty and covered in grass!”

“What a beautiful, heartfelt greeting,” he sighed and kissed Hyukjae’s cheek as the clean freak tried to brush a few blades of grass off the bed. “You were sleeping when I left and you’re still sleeping when I come back,” Donghae murmured. “Lazy.”

“I got up!” Hyukjae protested, fully aware how whiny he sounded. Bada snuggled between their bodies and wagged his tail. Hyukjae the white fur before his voice went down to a whisper, “By the way, your housekeeper knows about us. She washed the sheets and picked up our clothes!”

Donghae was quiet for a second before he started laughing, not looking mortified like how Hyukjae surely had. “Oh, she’s great, isn’t she? I wonder if she’ll ask us to wear a next time.”

Hyukjae kicked him off the bed.

And I’ve been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does
Is break…

It was the arrival of Kibum that first made the doubt grow.

Donghae’s ex-boyfriend.

They had a two and a half year long relationship before they broke up, and before that, they had been best friends since their school days. Kibum had been living in America for the past year and a half and had finally returned.

Hyukjae had been surprised Donghae had a boyfriend previously, but then again, he did seem rather confident and experienced in the relationship. According to Sooyeon, he had also had a few girlfriends in high school.

At first, Hyukjae hadn’t worried as much as he perhaps should have. After all, he comforted himself with the fact that they had broken up, and there must have been a reason that they broke up. He heard the news from Sooyeon when he and Donghae had been visiting the café. Hyukjae had gone to the bathroom and overheard it as he was walking back. He couldn’t see Donghae’s reaction because Sooyeon had been standing in the way, but as soon as they noticed him returning they both shut up quickly. He had just assumed they didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. Hyukjae didn’t say anything, and pretended he hadn’t heard about him.

It worked for a while, he was even able to forget all about it, but then the topic of Kibum came back up again when Yesung and Ryeowook were hanging out with them. He did see Donghae’s reaction this time, and he saw the way Donghae’s eyes lowered and he tensed slightly at the mention of the name. Hyukjae felt a spark of jealousy so he held tightly onto Donghae’s hand. The other gave him a bright smile like nothing was wrong, and Hyukjae couldn’t be sure of its authenticity but made himself believe it was true regardless.

Then, well, he met Kibum at the café after it closed with Donghae and his family, and a few friends they were close with.

“Hae!” Kibum exclaimed, delighted to see Donghae who grinned back. Hyukjae noticed they both seemed nervous to see each other, but after they wrapped each other in a hug, it all seemed to be forgotten.

Hyukjae stood meekly a few feet back, trying not to be bothered by the way Kibum called Donghae ‘Hae.’ But really, they had been friends for ages, of course they would have nicknames. It was no big deal. Really.

“So you’re finally back,” Donghae smiled brightly and then turned to face Hyukjae. “This is Hyukjae.”

Hyukjae realised he was being called upon and quickly straightened his posture with a small smile. He wasn’t good at meeting new people. “Hello.”

Kibum bowed. “Nice to meet you.”

He wasn’t rude. No, not at all. Kibum was actually very funny and kind and easy-going; he was a lot like Donghae actually. That must be why they got along so well. They quickly fell back into step with each other, whilst Hyukjae quietly sat and listened. After a while though, a small crowd formed around Kibum and Donghae and Hyukjae found himself uncomfortable. He didn’t like being surrounded – it wasn’t like he understood the conversation anyway, or could make a comment. So he politely stood up and sunk to the back of the room.

And from that one encounter he felt he was back at the bottom, trying to keep up with a conversation he wasn’t included in, hearing about memories that he did not share, smiling at inside jokes he didn’t understand. No one seemed to notice his uncomfortableness.

Not Donghae after he left his side to go hug Kibum. Not Ryeowook who was too busy arranging the cream on the ‘welcome back’ cake. Not Sooyeon who was laughing and teasing them.

Hyukjae hadn’t even wanted to come, but Donghae pleaded for some reason, so he relented. But after an hour of quietly smiling and being polite, he came to his limits. Though he did know he was being extremely selfish and dramatic,