The Confluence of Feelings

 

[Dong YoungBae]

It’s been seven years now since you are gone and I am not even able to forget you. There is no presence or being in this world that could fix me. I won’t deny that the companionship of my little Homi and my best friend or rather my soul brother aids me a lot. Too much I would say.

 

Oh, I am so thankful with Kwon JiYong. The guy who is always worrying about me and taking good care of me. He has helped me a bit to overcome this situation, which has tormented and consumed me since a long time ago.

 

I’m done now. The memories are killing me. I can’t even remember her face. She has stolen my dreams, peace, tranquility, has stolen my love too. I lost every single thing I used to love. I LOST HER.

 

Time passes by, I have nothing that reminds me of you anymore. I released myself from all our physical memories, but psychological; they are still tattooed in my mind. The little things I can remember are playing back in my head, just like a videotape, over and over again, every day, including today.

 

But I did all this in order to forget you, so I can continue with my life. What is wrong with it!? You, know, I tried very hard to let you go but did not succeed on it.
They say time helps us to forget and puts everything back in its place. But for me, all the time won’t be enough to forget and handle this. 

 

After a long time, my work is the only thing that sustains me and keeps my mind steady. It keeps me busy, on my feet. I have immersed myself in my work. People around me say it very often. Perhaps without my work I would have collapsed even more.

 

What should I do? After you left it is the only I can do. It’s the only affair that matters to me now.

 

I have a very comfortable life economically, what else should I ask for? But does it serve in something? I don’t know the answer, that’s what I always question to myself. Anyway I am vice president of a "small" company called "CRAFT YONG" which we, Kwon JiYong and I set up. Of course he is president, he reversed his "small" heritage on this and I support him a little financially, but between us we have worked hard to keep and make it grow, he has done very well I can not deny it, I'm happy for him, one of his dreams has been fulfilled, he is a successful man all!

 

Ah! How I wish you were here to see everything we have achieved! I feel so... lonely? ...Empty? ...Are these the correct terms?

 

Sometimes I remember your voice. Wait, is that really your voice? or is it only a memory like an echo very far away from me. I don't think it's that. I don't know, and I can't remember clearly. All this affected me, no one can imagine how traumatized I am. No one but me.

 

All I really know is that this feeling is still here!
It's the same feeling that I have since I met you, you've been a big part of my being, my heart, my person, you took everything...
But why didn't you take memories!? The times we spent together!?
Why didn't you take my pain, my tears, my loneliness, these feelings, this love!

 

I still love you! Although you're not here, and I know I'll never see you again, although I know you would never come back to me.

 

Every day I miss you more, each day I love you more and more!
Why do I feel this way!?
I need to forget you, damn it! I want to go back to being the person I was before I met you!
My life is not the same without you, nothing is the same!

 

Today is the seventh anniversary of your death, I promised myself that this is the last year that I see you, it makes no sense to continue with this situation.
I have to get on with my life, now I want to go on without you!
I have to forget, I want to get through this!
-I'm sorry...-

 

Very determined, he got into the shower, everything he has been thinking, must start it now, for his sake. All that hurt him, gradually he realized. He took too long but finally was reflecting on his situation. Today is the day for him to put everything in place, precisely this day would change his whole life from now on.

 

Could YoungBae continue with a normal life? After this day, will he still think that his work is the most important thing he has?

 

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[Lee Seung Hyun]

 

It's been seven years since you left and I still miss you, I still live immersed in memories, today is the seventh anniversary of your death, I know you had a very special person by your side, that guy, your "boyfriend" who always you said to love with all of your heart, that you gave all your dreams, feelings and hopes, to who belonged your last thought and sigh, I bet that even the last moment of your life was exclusively for him.
Wasn't it!? But what about me!? NOTHING!

 

But believe me, it was never my intention to have these feelings frustrated, yet I l-loved you... in a deep secret, I carried with this forever. We were cousins but had not the same blood, that always made me happy, made me believe that I could have a chance with you, but it was just a silly illusion.

 

We always get along; but since came that famous "boyfriend" who thankfully never had the opportunity to meet, we distanced ourselves a little. Of course you both wanted to be together all the time, there was not a single day that you didn't talk about him, about how so gentlemanly, handsome, romantic and fantastic he was. He was your favorite person in the whole world, anyway I was always glad that you felt this happy. All because of being with him, with the person you loved; I thought that at least if you could be happy then you would never notice my pain and affect you.

 

Wasn't I good at it? You never noticed anything strange about me, so you never really knew that I was crumbling for any adulation you dedicated to him.

 

It always... Hurt me!
Leaving me aside, as if he was bigger and better than me, that always bothered me a lot.
Do you know? I ask myself every day what was what he had, I do not?
Now I hate myself because I could never tell you how I feel, because I can't even get on with a normal life, the one I deserve after so much suffering.

 

-My life is not the same without you!- said Seung looking at an old photograph of the woman. His face contained a unique look, and his eyes deeply marked by pain and sadness flooded by a sea of tears, he marked those huge dark circles, probably because of so many restless nights?

 

I can still remember your voice, it's like a big echo that is repeated again and again mentioning my name, that unique and special way, just as you knew to do it, I will never forget this great detail, but what really is marked in my mind is this enormous and beautiful smile; so bright that expressed everything I can imagine now, I was always very happy to see it drawn on your face, I now realize I will never see her again, after so long without her I have not even got used to her absence.

How can we forget the person we love? Although you know that you'll never see her again. How could forget your first love? Even if you know she never loved you.

 

I've tried everything! To continue with my life, I assure you! But nothing works, I don't know what to do, I have nowhere to go, I have not whom to see, to talk about this without feeling like a fool.

 

I need you. Without you I feel uncompleted... Lost?
I feel... alone? ...Empty?
After what happened, I didn't only lost you, I lost faith, hope, I lost myself in this world so great...

 

-¡I am an idiot, she never loved me, she's never comming back. And I think these things now!- He gave a small laugh off and sad, it was painful to remember in a time like this, just today, he had picked a bad day to get emotional.

 

-Ah!...- sighed long -Today will be a very long day!- He said to himself in a whisper, getting ready for that important date marked on his calendar.

 

Today I have a different feeling, I feel that from now on everything would be different. Why is Seung Hyung thinking that way? What is what awaits him?