Please, Don’t Go

                  You hold me in your arms and the world is at peace again. The shooting stops and the world is quiet around me. All I feel are your arms around me and that’s all I need. I snuggle into your embrace and close my eyes. Keep me here forever. I don’t mind. No, I definitely didn’t mind. Somewhere far away I hear someone calling my name and I want to look, but the feeling of being in your arms is too blissful. Can we just stay like this forever?

                  I keep my eyes closed as I feel your lips on my forehead. They were so gentle, like a butterfly’s wings. I smiled as I tried to memorize the feeling. I forget the war we were fighting, I forget everything except you. The image of your smile flashes behind my eyelids and I can’t breathe. You take my breath away with your smile every time. I love how you like to hook pinkies with me. Other couple would hold hands, but we would just hook our pinkies together.

                  I remember a lot of things. I remember how that one winter day when we had a snow fight. I remember us having a pillow fight but ending up making out instead. I remember how I liked to play with your fingers because your hands were so soft. I remember how you always melted when I showed you my puppy dog eyes. I remember how you would get frustrated when you couldn’t get something right and how I would always kiss you and everything will be alright.

                  Now I’m here in your arms and we’re not speaking. We don’t need to. Your embrace is like a thousand words to me. I lean closer than I already am and listen to your heartbeat. It was the second most beautiful sound in the world. The first being your laughter, the third was your voice. I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for this.

                  I opened my eyes, wanting to kiss you but I find myself in another place entirely. Where was I? You were just here a moment ago. Did I imagine you here? No, I didn’t. But it was just a dream. I plopped back down on my pillow and feel the empty space next to me on my bed. I still slept on only one side of the bed even though you’re not here anymore. I still keep your things. I inhaled the scent of the pillow next to mine and I felt tears running down my face. It was your scent. It was a mix of magic, love, and a hundred other unique and wonderful things I couldn’t place.

                  I stand up and walk to our closet. I opened it and took out your favorite shirt. I hold it in my hands and I feel like it’s the most precious thing in the world. I put it back and sat down on the floor. I started sobbing and in a few minutes, I ended up curling up on the floor. I didn’t believe in ghosts or after life, but somehow I wish that you would come back and haunt me. Just come back to me, please?

                  I tried to block out the memories but I can’t. Once again, I hear the gun shots and the screams. I tried to stop the flashback, but I can’t. It’s like a movie I don’t want to watch. It was my worst nightmare.

                  What went wrong? It was just an ordinary day and we had gone to the bank. We were waiting for our turn when suddenly a gunshot sounded. I knew that it was a bank robbery. My first thought was, of course, you. I was so afraid that something would happen to you. I wasn’t even concerned about my own safety. I needed to protect you no matter what.

                  We squatted down on the floor and watched as the robbers took the money. My heart beat faster than it ever had when one of the robbers asked me to stand up and walk to the corner. I still remember exactly what he said. “Just as a warning to everybody here, this is what will happen if any of you call the police.”

                  He held up his gun and I closed my eyes, expecting the pain. I would do this as long as you were alright. I had to make sure that he wouldn’t hurt you, though. I could make him promise me, but it’s not like I can trust him. I hear him pull the trigger and expected the bullet to shoot through me any second now. I felt nothing. Was death really that painless? My eyes shot open when I heard a thump on the floor. I looked down at the floor and saw you lying there. You took the bullet for me? Why?

                  My heart felt as if it stopped beating when I saw you lying on the ground with blood all around you. All that blood. My knees gave out under me and hit the floor. I leaned down and held your hand.

                   “Don’t take revenge. I’m sorry for doing this. I was selfish and I knew I couldn’t live without you. I knew I couldn’t stand the pain of losing you so I let you lose me instead. I’m sorry. I love you, Jonghyun.”  

                  Those were your last words. You close your eyes before I could reply and I felt your hand go limp. I leaned down and kissed your lips. I knew it was the last time they would feel warm. I held your hand and kissed you again and again. I didn’t even realize I was crying until I felt the tears slide down my cheeks. They landed on your face and looked like they were your tears. I remember how sometimes in stories, tears from the prince or princess can wake the other up. Will you wake up? I remembered that in Snow White, a kiss was all it needed. Will that work?

                  I don’t remember anything else other than you. I faintly remember the police arriving and them taking you away from me. I remember insisting that I went with you even though they told me I couldn’t. I remember your funeral.

                  It was beautiful. Everybody was there. Your parents, our friends, your relatives. Everybody cried, but I didn’t. People gave me glares, wondering why I wasn’t crying. I couldn’t. It was still hard for me to accept the fact that it was you in the coffin that they were lowering into the ground.

                  Everybody left afterwards but I stayed there. I sat in front of your headstone and looked at it. At some point it started raining, but I didn’t really care. My thoughts of you kept me from noticing the world around me. I think Onew, Minho and Taemin took turns to hold an umbrella over my head, but I didn’t acknowledge their presence. I felt as if you were sitting next to me, telling me that the picture they had on your headstone was unflattering. That made me smile.

                  I go to your grave every day. Just to sit in front of the headstone and imagine you sitting next to me. Sometimes I would cry and sometimes I would smile. Sometimes I would just wonder. If we hadn’t gone to the bank that day, things would be fine now, right? If only we hadn’t gone to the bank at that time of the day. I couldn’t turn back time, but I wish I could. I would make sure that we didn’t go there that day. Or that I was the one who took the bullet instead. If you were somewhere in heaven, do you regret taking the bullet for me?       

                  I felt angry. Why had the robber chosen me? If he didn’t, then you wouldn’t have taken the bullet for me. It was the bullet from his gun that had caused you to be taken away from me.  I would take revenge on him, but your last words prevented me from it. I wish I can hear your voice again, calling my name. It sounded so sweet.

                  Was it okay to mourn for more than a year? It was a year since I lost you and you still haunt me in my dreams. I still go to your grave every day.  I still miss you. Every time I thought that I had run out of tears to cry, somehow I still cry. Sometimes I pick up my phone to call you, and then I realized that you wouldn’t be picking up on the other end. Sometimes I come home to our apartment and call your name, telling you that I’m home, but of course, you weren’t there.

                  Our friends had told me to forget you. Onew even gave me Se Kyung’s phone number and advised me to let you go and try being with someone else. Minho and Taemin even came over and asked me if I wanted to get rid of your stuff so that it would be easier to forget you.

                  But I don’t want to. How could I ever forget the best thing that has ever happened to me? Every time I started to forget you, I reminded myself again. I would take out videos of us on holiday or pictures of you just to remind myself. It hurt like hell, but I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. I already lost you. I can’t lose the memories of you.

                  I want to end it all. I want to just join you, wherever you are. I doubt that you would be in hell, but if you were, I want to suffer with you. Every time I picked up a blade or a bottle of pills, I hear your voice in my head telling me to stop. I see you in my mind, asking me not to do it. I tried to ignore you and do it anyway, but something about you crying in my mind, pleading me, prevented me from just ending everything.

                  I climbed back onto our bed and tried to go back to sleep. It was the only place where I could be with you again. My dreams were so precious to me now. It was all false, but that moment of bliss when it feels like we’re together again keeps me sane. It makes me insane at the same time.

                  I drift in and out of sleep. One moment I hold you in my arms and the next moment you’re gone. I whisper to you, but I don’t get a reply. That was the only condition. I could dream of doing anything with you, but I couldn’t dream of you talking. I needed to hear your voice, but I couldn’t. I feel my pillow get wet with my tears as I whisper again and again –

                  “Key, please don’t go. I need you. Please, come back.”