final.
good morning.7:00 AM
First day of a new semester. My alarm clock goes off and my hands move before my eyes open. My fingers fumble with the device in my hands, my eyelids crack open, and I slide my thumb across the flashing red “X” to turn it off.
I stay lying in bed. Should I surf the net on my phone? Work out? Get a little more sleep? I set the alarm early to get more done, but my mind… well, my mind has a mind of it’s own. I should go get ready, get some extra readings done, get a head start on homework…be efficient. Time wasted is time I’ll never get back. No wait, I should make a healthy breakfast and pack lunch. Buy lunch? Wait, do I have work today? .
7:15 AM
I force myself up, go to the washroom, do my business and wash my face. I’m looking a little unsightly, maybe I’ll go workout. My family is still asleep though… I’ll be quiet. If I don’t do it now, I never will. Never will. Never will. And I should. I really should. Now.
8:00 AM
Showers are nice in the morning after a run. They’re nice when the circuits in my brain aren’t churning at least. When was the last time I stopped freaking out about every little thing I do? Planning is good for me though. Being organized is good. Efficiency. Gotta keep myself busy so I don’t have time to think, to dilly dally. What am I doing this for though? Just yesterday I was thinking about… no, no I wasn’t, I’m thinking about my readings, my essays, my dreams, a future, some sort of goal, something to look forward to. Yeah. Family, friends, classmates. Family doesn’t understand, friends have more fun without me, classmates think I’m uptight. .
8:30 AM
My stomach felt a little soft in the showers. Oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch, fruit for a snack. I know I’m a little uptight about my dieting, but I can’t help it. I’m not fat, but I’m not skinny. I’m not skinny. I’m not skinny. Oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch, fruit for a snack. Take the stairs at school. Take the stairs fatty.
9:00 AM
I should do some readings while on the bus. But I should take a break too. Surfing the net on my phone isn’t too bad. It only takes half an hour to get to school. That’s not too much time wasted right? I’d only get a portion of my reading done anyways. Okay. Yeah. Relax. Chill. That’s cool too. Oh, I missed a party last Saturday… it’s looks the guys had fun. Whatever, I’m not a fan of partying anyways.
… I’m sure they didn’t miss me.
9:30 AM
Stairs. Run up the stairs. Stairs. Let’s go. Oh that’s an old classmate, smile, look away, don’t stop for chit chat, get to class.
9:40 AM
Need a good spot in class. Don’t be in the way, don’t be too noticeable, but it’s gotta be close enough to the front for me to see. Okay, jacket off, pencil case out, folder out, paper is neat, yesterday’s readings were done. Okay, good. Good. Right? I double check the readings, look over the schedule, take my agenda out to make sure I didn’t forget anything important. Okay. Good. I’m ready.
10:00 AM
Group discussion. Okay, that’s easy. Smile, cross legs, eye contact, be outgoing. They seem surprised that I’m outgoing. Cause I’m not. I pretend to be, but I’m not. Hah. It works though, they’re listening. They listen to me when I spew all this nonsense. I don’t know what I’m saying. What are we talking about? Is my mediocrity showing? They probably don’t care. It doesn’t matter. They’re forget this and I’ll forget this after class. I’ll make sure I know it before the paper, before the midterm and before the final. Smile, cross legs, eye contact, be outgoing.
10:50 AM
I pack up my things, but I don’t talk. The prof is still talking. Why are my classmates talking? Why are people so rude? Why are people so disrespectful? God, I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I smile and say goodbye to the professor. I then rush to my next class. I got eight minutes to do a ten minute walk. Okay, run. It’s good for my heart anyways. Burn off the chocolate I ate yesterday.
11:00 AM
. Okay, I gotta be quiet while finding a spot. Don’t look at me, don’t look at me, don’t look at me. DON’T look at me. Please don’t squeak, oh dear god. . Okay, it’s fine. Whatever, nobody notice. Nobody cares. I’m nobody. No one.
11:15 AM
“What do you think about that Kyungsoo?”
Did she just call on me? Crap. My heart is racing, now, god why is it getting so hard to breathe? Why is my shirt so tight? Am I sweating?
“Well…”
What am I saying? Is it working? It’s working. Okay. Breathe. Breathe goddammit breathe.
12:50 PM
Lunch. I always find a secluded area to eat on my own. So I can get some work done. I need to get some work done. Why do I always feel like I’m behind? Why do I always feel like I’m not doing enough? Okay, finish lunch quickly, then it’s time to get done. Wait, do I have work today? Right, I do. I have work. I have a doctor’s appointment next week too.
1:00 PM
Jongin needs help with his history essay and Baekhyun needs help with theory. Okay. Yeah, sure that’s fine. No worries guys, I got time. Totally. Don’t worry about a thing. I haven’t heard from you in a while though, how are you? Lunch? Oh um, sorry I’m kind of busy.
Busy. Too busy. It’s not their fault they don’t see me, it’s my fault I don’t see them. I don’t wanna see anyone though. I’m a mess. Such a mess. Such a mess. Why does everyone think I’ve got things under control? Why are they jealous? I don’t have things under control. This is hard. It’s stressful. When did I become like this? When did I lose myself? God, mind STOP.
2:00 PM
Group project. , I hate group projects. Maybe I’ll work with that girl who keeps complimenting me. Why does she keep complimenting me? What does she want? What does this mean? Okay, maybe I’ll work with the other quiet guy that sits in the back corner. Or not.
2:50 PM
Bus. I gotta catch the first bus. Catch the early bus so I can get home faster. Waiting around for the bus is time wasted. Time I’ll never get back. Ever.
3:35 PM
I should do the laundry and clean up a little. Wait, when does my student get here? I’m tutoring three right? Okay, yeah, tutoring three students. , I’m gonna lose my voice again. I have a performance coming up. God. Okay. Let’s get two water bottles and some honey tea ready. Okay, I got this. Just tutor, eat dinner, then get more work done. Thank god I worked out this morning. , I still need to look at Jongin and Baekhyun’s papers. When do the kids get here again? Okay, I have time. I got time. My friends need help, they’re important. They’re important.
4:00PM
First student is here. Let’s make sure he’s all set for his lesson. Don’t forget to make sure he’s able to do everything he learned today on his own. Make sure.
5:03 PM
Second student is late, that’s okay. Let’s use this time to check some emails. Emails. Club activities start next week. Right. Gotta make sure I remember to go to the meetings. Gotta bulk up my resume. Oh, she’s here.
7:00 PM
Mum comes home and screams about how messy the house is. Oops. . I meant to help out, I really did. But . Where did all that time go? I’ll just clear things out after dinner. Yeah. I should ask Seungsoo for help. We haven’t spent much time together. God, I need to learn how to manage my time better. I’ll get my work done quick after dinner and see how he’s doing.
7:05 PM
Dinner. I talk about my day. It’s not much. I complain about the workload, but it’s my fault. I mouth off at my parents. I feel bad, but it just comes out. It just comes out. I mean to change. I’ve been meaning to change. I’ve been trying, but it’s so much easier to pretend I don’t give a . They know I mean well right? They should. They’re my parents. I’m sure they know… They probably don’t. Oh well. It’s okay.
7:15 PM
Food has been scarfed down. I think I overate. . I’m so fat. This is why I’m alone. Okay, no. I’m alone cause I choose to be. Relationships take up too much time, and I’m not really the type that people like anyways. Who would like a weird, awkward nerd like me? No one. Whatever, just be successful. Be successful. Work. Go get work done. Get good grades. Study and get good grades. Don’t forget about the reference letters. Scholarships need those. Employers want them too.
11:00 PM
. I forgot to put the dishes away. I forgot to do the laundry. I’m so ing hungry, but it’s late and I’ll get fat. My eyes hurt. My wrists hurt. My back hurts. I forgot to reply to Jongdae’s text. I don’t think I’ll be going to that party.
11:05 PM
I should get ready for bed, but I haven’t done anything fun for myself. What did I even do today? Actually, I should get some more homework done just in case. Things happen. Oh, I should practice for my performance next week too. It’s too late now though. Crap. Okay, I’ll just set a reminder to practice tomorrow… I’ll set a reminder to ask Seungsoo how he’s doing tomorrow too. He’s probably sleeping now. Everybody is sleeping.
12:00 AM
I should sleep. God, should I wash my face and brush my teeth or just go to bed? Gross. I do my usual routine, and get ready for bed. I’m all changed and ready in ten minutes. See, that wasn’t so bad. The lights are off and I’m lying down, but I’m not sleeping. I’m thinking. What do I have to do tomorrow? What is there left to do? I’m I caught up? Or not? I should spend more time with my friends and family. I wonder how everybody is doing. But they understand. They understand that I don’t mean to be distant, I’m just not really good at managing myself. I need to get work done now, or I’ll never get it done. Sometimes, I lose motivation, I lose energy and when that happens, I need to make sure I’m ahead of the game. Ahead. So I don’t fall behind.
1:00 AM
God, I wonder if Jongin remembers how embarrassing I was when I got drunk at his birthday party last year.
I was pretty rude at dinner today, I shouldn’t do that.
, did I actually say that in class? Reminder, don’t say like that again. People think you’re weird.
I should get up earlier tomorrow and work out a little more. I kind of need it. No. I need sleep too. Sleep is important too.
, I wonder if Baekhyun got my email, he never replied. I hope he doesn’t mind that I did my edits in red. I forgot to ask. Ugh.
… …. …… ……….
7:00 AM
Rinse. Repeat.
7:00 AM
Rinse. Repeat.
7:00 AM
Rinse. Repeat.
7:00 AM
Rinse. Repeat.
7:00 AM
Rinse. Repeat.
7:00 AM
Rinse. Repeat.
7:00 AM
Good Morning. I don’t feel like doing jack.
12:00 AM
… I’m behind schedule. I ate too much just now and I was so rude today. I should just keep my mouth shut. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut? This is why people like Seungsoo so much better than me. God. What’s my problem anyways? What’s wrong with me?
7:00 AM
Rinse. Repeat.
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