It was a mistake.

                It was a mistake, she thought. Rain pattered down the window pane on the far wall. Nothing but a seeping steely blue from a streetlight outside lit her room, immersing her in blackness. The loneliness was welcomed, lulling, and she indulged in it. She wanted to. She felt she deserved it. A mistake, Taeyeon repeated to herself, and she closed her eyes and her mind floated away.

                She dreamed of the day Jessica Jung ran out in tears. She flung the door open, rattling the wall it slammed against. A sombre creaking from the hinge was the only sound in a room whose people fell silent. Several of them were angry with her – fuming when she had gone back on her word. After all they’ve done, and she had the nerve to say “I don’t want to… anymore.”

                At first she said she wanted to leave them. To pursue new goals and to start a new chapter in her life. Her friends laughed it off at first. They had been together for so long. But she just kept insisting; she was ready, she was sorry, but she swore she wanted more. When they finally said, “yes,” they all cried. They wanted what’s best for her. They thought they couldn’t be broken and that their love for each other would only get stronger. Jessica was going to leave and they were going to send her off with kisses, roses, and songs.

                It shouldn’t have happened the way it did, Taeyeon told herself. It was supposed to be a beautiful farewell – a night full of lights and music for an old friend with new dreams. Jessica and I may have drifted but we were never truly apart, and I wanted to tell her that on the last night – after our duet. I would have hugged her, I would have told her I loved her, and we would have both smiled. At the time, everyone only saw a beautiful future where we were supposed to continue smiling because we would be happy for each other, to cry because we would miss each other, to sing because we would still be connected to each other… It was supposed to be beautiful. But it shattered. My God, it shattered. And the glass we thought impenetrable, indestructible cut us all to our bones. Now we smile because we can’t let them know. We cry because we can’t let them know. We sing because we can’t let them know.

That we were breakable and we broke.

                In the end, she wanted to stay. We knew it would have been inconvenient, and our plans would have been for nothing. The night would have only been a dream and the songs we sing wouldn’t have been so bittersweet. We were prepared to say goodbye, and a part of us wished we could have, but we were going to take her hand back anyway. We were going to tell her that it’s okay, hug and cry and tell her that it’s actually a relief, and everything would have been okay. But we hesitated for too long, other people were yelling at her, and before we could grab her hand she ran out the door and told the world we refused her. None of us could go back.

                I remember that day. I reached out to her as she ran but I only caught air. And for a while, I just stood there, arm still stretched out, wondering what I should do. I should have ran after her – after Jessica Jung. “I’m sorry.” I should have done something. “I’m sorry.” I should have told how much you meant to me. “I’m sorry.” I’m so weak.

                Taeyeon opened her eyes and found herself in tears, in a room void of sound. The rain no longer hushed and pattered on the window and the streetlight humbly greeted her from her spell. A drowsy dusk just kept her room shy of morning. Taeyeon wiped her tears away and shuffled to her feet. The wood beneath her creaked as she made her way across the room. She knew she wouldn’t have the courage when the sun rises. She had to do it now. She had to do someting while she still could.

                Taeyeon shook a little as she pulled her phone out from her bag. She took a deep breath dialed a familiar number. The phone was chilly when it touched her face. The ringtone, Taeyeon thought, was new, sweet, but honest. And then she picked up.

                “Hello?” Jessica answered. She had reached her.