I didn’t like being on bedrest. While I liked lying in bed all day being lazy, I didn’t like the limitations it put on me as a mother. I couldn’t take Haru to daycare or pick her up early for a special Mama-Haru date like we used to.

Technically, I didn’t have to stay in bed all day. I could periodically get up and, I don’t know, do the dishes or something. It kind of reminded me of the time I broke my foot and Ji Eun had to take care of me.

Jimin had been a sweetheart about the whole thing. I’d already spent a couple of weeks laid up in bed, and he made sure to be home early or send someone from Bangtan over to help us out if he couldn’t. Currently, Namjoon and Ji Eun were over. Jimin had asked Namjoon to come over without telling me and I’d asked Ji Eun to pick up Haru from daycare. They had greeted each other fairly comfortably, but I noticed some tension between them. Were they together again or were they just sleeping together again? Were they even sleeping together again? I didn’t know.

Ji Eun waltzed into my room with a pitcher of lemonade.

“Hey, gorgeous sunshine girl. How you doing?”

“Good. Bored. Thanks for being here.” I sighed despondently and adjusted the pillows propping me up.

“Wanna hear about my romantic life?” She plopped down next to me with two glasses of lemonade.

“, yes! Who you ing now?” I took a glass from her and sipped daintily.

“Mmm…Taehyung and I…broke up.” Ji Eun said quietly, tracing the rim of her glass.

“Are you sad?” I leaned my head on her shoulder.

“Yeah.” She whispered. “I really liked him a lot. Now he won’t even look me in the eye.”

“He’ll get over it eventually.”

“Mmm…he told me he loved me the other day.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She sounded a bit miserable. I snuggled closer to her.

“Do you…do you love him?”

Ji Eun shook her head ever so slightly. “I, um, I know I love Namjoon.”

“Does he love you?” I asked. Had nothing changed in two months?

“Um, yeah. He says he does.” She played with the ends of her hair. “We’ve hung out a few times.”

A knock on the door interrupted our conversation. Namjoon and Haru poked their heads in.

“Mamaaaa.” Haru sang. Namjoon giggled.

They walked in holding hands.

“Mama, Uncle Joonie said…he said he would buy me a unicorn when I get bigger.”

“Oh, that’s lovely.” I smiled at her.

“I love unicorns. They’re, like, they’re like horsies. But they have horns on they heads.” She climbed up onto the bed and snuggled in between me and Ji Eun. Namjoon clambered clumsily onto the bed and curled up next to Ji Eun. I watched a smile spread across her face before she caught my eye and it turned into a scowl. Namjoon released a peaceful sigh and rested his chin on her shoulder. They were ing again! They had to be.

“Unicorns are cool. I have a tattoo of a unicorn.” Ji Eun chimed in.

“You do?” Haru asked. She tried to lift Ji Eun’s shirt to look.

“Yeah, you can’t see it.” Namjoon chuckled, tugging Ji Eun closer. “It’s in a private spot.”

“Oh, it’s on you tushie.” Haru nodded knowledgably.

Ji Eun started giggling uncontrollably. “God, Haru, you’re so adorable.”

“She’s great, right? She’s so funny.” I Haru’s curls. “She needs a haircut.”

Haru pushed her bangs back from her face.

“I can take her.” Namjoon offered.

“No.” Haru refused, holding up a hand. “You can’t. Mama has to.”

I sat up and pulled Haru into my lap. She smiled up at me with her daddy’s smile and my dimples. I smoothed back her hair and planted a kiss on her forehead.

“Mama would love to take you to get your haircut, but I can’t. I have to stay at home, right? Until the baby comes.”

Haru pouted. “I want you to take me.”

“I want to take you, too. But Uncle Namjoon wants to take you and that could be really fun, right? Uncle Joonie always has the best hair, doesn’t he? Listen, I promise I’ll take you out to all these fun places when the baby comes, okay?”

“I don’t want the baby to come.” Haru crossed her arms with a frown on her face. “I don’t like the baby.”

I pinched her cheeks and tickled under her chin. “I love you, baby girl. I know it’s hard that I can’t take you out and play with you, but I’m always here for you, okay? I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Haru giggled and threw her arms around me. “You’re my favorite mama.”

“I’m your only mama.” I rubbed our noses together. “And do you wanna go get your haircut with Uncle Namjoon?”

“Yeah! I wanna haircut.” Haru hopped off of me and clambered over to Namjoon.

“Alright, sassafras, let’s go get your haircut.”

“Are you gonna get a haircut, too, Uncle Joonie?” Haru ran her hand through Namjoon’s platinum blonde Mohawk.

“He should.” Ji Eun fluffed his hair. “He needs one.”

“Do I, baby girl?” Namjoon rubbed his nose into Ji Eun’s cheek, a wide smile on his face. “Do I need one?”

She pushed his face away. “Get out. Go take your niece to get a haircut.”

Haru giggled and ran out of the room. “Let’s go! Let’s go, Uncle Joonie!”

Namjoon stole a quick kiss from Ji Eun and ran laughing after Haru. I heard them giggling while Namjoon helped her into her shoes and jacket. So cute.

I glanced over at Ji Eun and found her sporting pink cheeks and two fingers placed over .

“You love him!” I squealed, pinching her arm.

“Yeah, yeah.” She bashfully batted my hand away. “I don’t know what we’re doing. It’s been two months and that was only like the third time we’ve kissed. No tongue, sunshine! No tongue!”

I pulled away to stare at her. “Ji Eun, you two used to have like rabbits and you’re telling me you haven’t been kissing and sleeping together?”

“Uh, yeah. We’re, um…taking it slow?” She hesitated. “I’m…I don’t know if I trust him, you know? It’s just like, uh, I wish I could know if he really wanted to get married and have kids. Like, with Tae, I knew he eventually wanted those things. Not for a couple of years, but it’s fine, right? I wanted to get married by thirty. But I’m turning twenty-nine on May 17^th, and Joonie hasn’t even told me that he wants to move in or anything. It’s like he’s trying to woo me again. And meanwhile, Tae told me he loved me the other day and like, I don’t know, my heart fluttered.”

“Your heart fluttered?” I giggled. “You have feelings for TaeTae?”

“I’ve always had feelings for Taehyung! We dated!” Ji Eun snapped. “I love Namjoon. I just wish he was offering what Taehyung offered. I don’t want a dead-end boyfriend again. The same dead-end boyfriend.”

“Well, he must be serious about you if you’re not sleeping together.”

“Yeah.” Ji Eun rumpled her hair in frustration. “Yeah, except I just wanna get laid. He took me out for milkshakes and cheeseburgers the other day and it was so sweet, but all I could think about was how I wished we were in bed together.”

“Yeah, me too! I haven’t been able to have in so long. Like, Jimin and I still fool around, but we don’t sleep together because I’m like, I don’t know, scared. What if I hurt the baby?”

“Oh my god, I do not need to hear about your pregnant married life.” Ji Eun groaned.

The front door slammed and Jimin’s voice echoed throughout the apartment.

“Baby girl! I’m home! I missed you, you gorgeous creature!”

He burst into the room with a huge smile and a bouquet of roses in his hand. He leaned against the doorway, looking all suave and adorable.

“Hi, baby.” Jimin glanced past me to see Ji Eun. “Hey, Ji Eun. How you doing?”

“Good.”

“Mmm.” He grunted at her. Jimin had been a little cold to Ji Eun since her and Taehyung had broken up. “How long are you gonna be here? I have plans to up my wife tonight.”

“Oh my god.” I hid my face in my hands, mortified.

“She’s afraid to have with you!” Ji Eun laughed.

“She told you that?! Oh my god, baby.” Jimin hissed to me.

“It’s not very intimidating when you use a nickname to scold her.” Ji Eun raised an eyebrow at Jimin.

“I reserve her name for special occasions.” He replied stiffly, straightening his tie.

“Why are you wearing a tie?” I asked.

He whipped it off with a smirk on his face. “The better to tie you up with.”

“Oh my god.” Ji Eun hopped out of our bed. “I can’t hear any more of this.”

“Oh, please.” Jimin scoffed. “Namjoon is the most erted guy I know. And Tae’s no angel, either.”

“Mmm, he’s worse than Joonie.” Ji Eun patted Jimin’s shoulder. “Tae’s a real freak, Jimin.”

“I do not need to know!” Jimin shouted. “I don’t want to hear about it!”

She giggled on her way out the door. Jimin shut the door behind her and sauntered over to me, the smirk back on his face. He tossed the roses to the floor and I knew I was in for something freaky.

“Hey, baby girl.” He straddled me and kissed me, his tongue easily slipping through my lips. We kissed pretty passionately for a long time, until Jimin broke away and rested his forehead against mine, breathing heavily. “, I wanna have with you so badly.”

“Me too, but I’m terrified.” I whispered, hand cupping his face.

“Can we work something out, please, because I’m dying.” Jimin sighed and rested his head in the crook of my neck.

“This is very unlike you. You don’t normally press me when I’m not into it.” I ran my fingers through his hair.

“We haven’t had a consistent life since December and I’m having a really hard time.” Jimin confessed quietly. “Aren’t you?”

“Um, well…I’m pregnant, so my hormones are all over the place. Sometimes I’m a little , but I most of the time I feel disgusting and bloated and also, I have acne across my s? Jimin, I’m like incredibly gross right now. Don’t you find me gross?”

Jimin pulled away and looked me in the eye, a gentle expression on his face. “I could never find you gross. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I murmured. “Wow, this . I had no idea you felt this way.”

“I…uh…well, I’ve learned to handle my frustration well over the years. You know, the whole boy band thing. Living in dorms. Sharing a room with six other guys for a couple of years. I’ve always had a roommate, you know. Except, um, when I lived with my parents.” He sat back on my thighs and ran a hand through his hair, worrying his lower lip until the imprints of his teeth were visible. “I, um, I-I…I’m…I’m sad that we don’t share this intimacy anymore. I, um, um, I’m…uh, stuttering a lot, but I just don’t know if you’re scared about the baby or if you just don’t wanna have with me.”

I tried to sit up, but his weight was too heavy on my thighs. I sort of leaned into him. Jimin noticed what I was trying to do and met me halfway, leaning down over me and resting his full weight on top of me. The pressure against my pregnant stomach felt a little uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to say anything. He looked too vulnerable at the moment.

I cupped his face in my hands and brought him close for a kiss. His lips melded against mine a little hesitantly. He broke away pretty quickly with a sad little look on his familiar face.

“Baby, let’s just talk about this.”

“I love you.” I whispered, thumb running over his cheek. “I love you so much.”

Jimin rested his forehead against mine. “It doesn’t make sense that you’re afraid of hurting the baby. The doctor said it would be fine.”

“Jimin, I can’t even get out of bed. How is it gonna be fine?” I paused and watched his expression change from insecure to cold and solemn. “I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to feel sad, but I’m really worried. This isn’t about you, I promise.”

“I just…I’m having a hard time believing that.” He swallowed noticeably. “Can you just, like, tell me the truth?”

“I’m telling you the truth.”

Jimin sighed and climbed off of me. He threw his tie to the ground and yanked at his collar, looking frustrated and y. I wished he would believe me. I wished he had talked to me about his feelings. He’d improved at communicating his feelings over the years, but he still kept things bottled up inside.

“I’m gonna go take a shower.” Jimin glanced back at me with sharp eyes before his gaze slid past me.

I fidgeted into a sitting position. “Jimin, are you mad?”

He took off his socks and threw them into the laundry basket before answering. I watched as he slowly fiddled with the buttons on his dress shirt, clearly avoiding my question.

“I’m going to sound like a real if I say yes.” Jimin crumpled his shirt into a little ball and tossed it towards the basket like he was shooting hoops. He missed and cursed under his breath. My breath hitched as he peeked over at me for a quick second, then started working on the button of his pants. “I get that you’re pregnant, that you’re on bedrest, that you’re scared. I get that this is a scary thing; I’m scared, too. I just want you and the baby to be safe, you know? But we’ve had a handful of times since the whole kissing incident happened and I can’t help but feel that it’s intentional.”

Jimin wouldn’t meet my eyes, but I continued to watch him. He had his pants halfway ped, the waistband of his Calvin Klein boxer briefs peeking out over the edge.

When he looked up to meet my gaze, his face had hardened into the cold mask I’d come to recognize over the years.

“This got really heavy really quickly.” I ran a hand through my messy curls. “Can we just take a step back? Talk about this later?”

“Fine.” Jimin muttered, casting a dark look at the floor. “Whatever. I’m over it.”

“Of course you are. You’re always just ‘over it.’” I rolled my eyes and settled back into bed, covers up to my chin. “Just go shower.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

I ignored him and made a nest for myself out of the blankets. I really didn’t have the patience to handle this situation.

“We’re not kids anymore. You can’t keep putting things off because you don’t want to talk about them.” Jimin moodily kicked a cardboard box. We’d barely started packing to move into the new apartment, but our current apartment was littered with empty cardboard boxes.

“If I recall correctly, I was rarely the one to not want to talk about things.”  I commented sourly. “You’re the one who keeps everything bottled up into you explode into a vicious version of yourself.”                                             

Jimin made a small noise of disgust. “At least I’m nice the rest of the time.”

“Go yourself.” I snarled.

“I’ll have to if you won’t me.” His terse little barb angered me to the point of tears. Recently, I’d become an angry crier and it pissed me off. Tears did not make me feel strong or aggressive.

I hid my face in the blankets until Jimin padded out of the room, seemingly calm and collected until he slammed the door behind him. Stupid bastard. So what if I didn’t feel like having with him? I was pregnant and bruised and stuck in my bed all day. A little bit of French kissing and some roses weren’t going to be enough to put me in the mood.

So what if I had been a little hard to woo in the past few months? We still had .  A lot of married couples were like this. Besides, we were busy. I was pregnant. We kissed a lot, too! Jimin loved kissing. Not as much as he loved , sure, but still. I did feel scared that we would hurt the baby. If I couldn’t even go to work or stand up for long periods of time, how the hell was I supposed to have ?! Jimin was being a little about the whole thing.

My mind started to wander as I thought of other married couples who experienced issues in their lives. One of my friends had discovered her husband had had multiple affairs with women he met on the internet. Another had become addicted to paying women for ual favors. Usually, though, I heard my friends from work talk about how they hadn’t had in months and they barely spoke to their husbands. I couldn’t imagine Jimin and me turning into that kind of couple, but anything was possible.

This was how it all started, right? At least Jimin had decided to talk to me about it. Most couples who stopped having never brought it up with each other. Communication was key in a relationship, right? We were still communicating. We still had excellent moments with each other. Sure, we fought, but we always made up.

Although…recently we’d just been brushing our problems under the rug. That time Jimin left me in the hospital to go to a performance? We’d never talked about it again after we fought once. That hardly counted as communicating. And he was right. We’d had , like, I don’t know, three times since December? Maybe five? And it was the middle of March now? Jimin and I used to have a pretty consistent life, even with a kid. No wonder he felt frustrated. I felt frustrated underneath all my fear.

Alright, fine, so I was in the wrong, probably, but he didn’t have to be so pissy about it.

I argued silently with myself while shedding a few tears until Jimin came back from the shower. He closed the door behind him and padded over to me, but I refused to look at him. I felt him standing there for a while, but I didn’t say anything. Eventually, he sighed and walked over to his dresser. I faced the wall, but I could hear him dry off and toss the towel to the ground. Various dresser drawers opened and shut as I tried to compose myself. Finally, the mattress dipped and Jimin sprawled out on his side of the bed, phone in hand. Neither of us made eye contact, but I peeked at him from time to time. He focused on his phone without sparing me a glance.

“I wanna have with you.” I mumbled so quietly I doubt he heard me.

Jimin didn’t respond, but I saw his nose twitch.

“I want to have with you.” I repeated, a little louder this time.

“No.” Jimin said flatly. “I don’t want to have with you.”

I pulled the blankets over my head, stung. It probably was only fair, but it still hurt.

“Where’s Haru?” He asked in a slightly softer tone.

“Getting a haircut with Namjoon.” I said into my pillow.

Jimin and I didn’t talk for a while. I cried silently into my pillow underneath my blankets while he played a song on his phone. He paused it every so often to practice singing some lines. I half-listened to the lyrics, but mostly I thought about how unstable my marriage had become in the past few months. We were happy on the surface, but I think we both felt unsure of ourselves.

At the end of the day, I didn’t feel confident that Jimin would always be next to me.

I wondered if he felt the same.

I sniffled loudly, then cursed under my breath. I hadn’t wanted Jimin to notice my tears. He kept singing to himself and didn’t say anything, but then I felt hurt that he hadn’t noticed. I was clearly crying next to him and he didn’t want to do anything about it?

The music abruptly stopped and I heard a faint rustling next to me. Soon, Jimin’s head peeked under the blanket and I felt a kiss on my nose.

My chin trembled as I tried and failed to stop crying. Jimin sighed and wrapped his arms around my waist, gently pulling me closer to him. I laid my head against his shoulder and wiped my snot all over his clean shirt in revenge for the tears.

“Maybe we should go to counseling.” He mumbled into my hair.

“I can’t fu-ing leave the house.” I reminded him bitterly, hiccupping from the effort it took to speak.

Jimin shifted so we were eye-to-eye. He rested his forehead against mine and sighed deeply, his breath washing over my face. It smelled minty; he must have brushed his teeth after showering.

“Are we happy?” He asked me in a quiet, serious tone of voice.

My heart beat unsteadily. I hated how often we had asked ourselves this question in the past few months.

“I don’t know.” I whispered, tears filling my eyes. “Jimin, I don’t know.”

“Me neither.” He confessed, nose rubbing against mine.

“I love you, though. I love you a lot.” I held his shirt tightly in my fingers. “Babe, I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.” Jimin whispered to me. “You know I do.”

I nodded, our noses bumping together again. I moved to kiss him, but he turned his face away at the last second.

“Oh, .” I exhaled sharply, incredibly wounded by his small action. I pushed away, breaking out of his arms and scrambled out of bed.

Jimin looked up at me with guarded eyes. He looked almost indifferent. I wondered why he had avoided my kiss. I wondered what on earth was happening and what had caused it.

“Sorry.” He apologized softly. “I just don’t want to kiss you.”

A sharp pain stabbed me in the chest. I placed my hand over the spot and rubbed it for a moment, wondering if that would somehow soothe my emotional pain. I swallowed and took a deep breath before replying.

“Ah…that’s, um, that’s fine. You don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t.” Jimin repeated, still watching me with those unreadable eyes. “We always fight and then just kiss and I don’t think it solves anything.”

“Oh.”

“I think we should talk.” He sat up and patted the spot next to him. “Come sit.”

I walked over with a sense of dread. I felt kind of like a child who had gotten in such deep trouble that their parent calmly punished them. The scariest kind of punishment, in my opinion.

Jimin pulled out his phone as I stiffly settled in next to him. I wondered what was happening and why this sudden tension had developed between us.

Music began to play from his phone. He set it in my lap. I glanced at him, but he nodded in encouragement.

Lyrics flashed across the screen as a deep voice sang to a sweet melody. I recognized the voice as Taehyung’s. I concentrated on the words as Jimin sang along in the background.

“I feel like we’re only happy on the surface. Late night whispers of ‘Goodnight, I love you,’ but I still fall asleep feeling cold and alone. Do you remember how to wrap your arms around me? Your gentle breath used to keep me company in the nighttime hours, but now I hear you cry yourself to sleep.

Are we happy?

Do you love me?

Are we happy?

Do you love me?

I kiss you, but you always cry.”

The song cut off abruptly. Jimin took his phone back and looked at me expectantly. I stared at him blankly, wondering why he had just played the song for me.

“I wrote that for you.” He said simply. “Or rather, about you.”

I swallowed. “Oh.”

“You’re not happy.” Jimin stated.

“I love you.” I said softly. “Jimin, I really love you.”

“But you’re not happy.” He insisted. “I know you’re not happy.”

“You make me happy, Jimin.” I took his hand and moved it to my lap. He let me hold it and I spread out his fingers, tracing my fingernail against the lines of his palm. “I love you. Do you wonder if I love you?”

“Mm, sometimes.” He hummed. “I’m worried you’re going to leave me.”

“Ah. I thought you were.” I brought his hand to my mouth and kissed his palm.

“You’re afraid too, aren’t you? Since the hospital.” Jimin cast his eyes in my direction for a moment. Ours met and he looked away after a tense heartbeat.

“Yeah.” I admitted quietly. “Honestly, our baby could have died and you wouldn’t have been there. I’m still very deeply hurt by that.”

Jimin nodded beside me.

“We knew your solo career was going to make things harder. I knew it was going to be like this. I told you when you first started talking about it that I didn’t want to be left alone raising two kids.” I tried not to sound accusatory, but I knew I did anyway.

“You supported me, though. You told me it was okay.” Jimin definitely sounded accusatory.

“I told you I wouldn’t stop you.” I let go of his hand. He took it back and rested it in his own lap.

“This is my dream.” He said, so softly.

“I know.” I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “That’s why I’m so afraid.”

Jimin didn’t say anything.

“You’ve given up so much for your career already.” I continued. “And sometimes…sometimes, I wonder if you’d…” I trailed off.

“If I’d give you up, too.” Jimin finished for me.

“Yeah.” I whispered.

“I wouldn’t.” He said with sudden fierceness. “I wouldn’t ever give you up.”

“You’ve already started to.” I sighed and wiped away a couple of tears. “Jimin, are you gonna be here when the baby’s born? Are you gonna see his delivery? Or am I gonna be spending my weekends with your parents in Busan again?”

“You knew it would be like this when you married me!” Jimin suddenly shouted. “I’ve been an idol the entire time you’ve known me; you think that would change when we had kids? Why are you acting like this? Huh? Why are you suddenly like this?”

“You missed the first time Haru said ‘I love you.’” I whispered, breaking down. “You missed the first time she picked out her own outfit. You missed an entire two weeks when she wouldn’t shut up about an ice cream party we had at her school. You missed her first day of school, when her first tooth came in, when she had her first bite of food. You missed her first nightmare, but she called out for you and it broke my heart. Just hearing, ‘Daddy! Daddy!’ and knowing that you weren’t there and you couldn’t come and she cried when she saw me come in her room because she just wanted you. You weren’t there when she asked to sleep with your shirt because she missed cuddling with you. You weren’t there when she cried herself to sleep because she wanted to see you and you certainly weren’t there when I cried myself to sleep. There’s a reason Haru loves you more than she loves me and it’s because she’s seen you less her whole life, so you’re special and precious. She’s heartbroken when you’re gone, Jimin.”

He took a deep breath and ran the back of his hand across his eyes.

“I know that you’re an idol and you have to make sacrifices for your work. I understand, but I sometimes wonder if you know just what you’re sacrificing. Is it worth it to you?”

Jimin said nothing.

“A supportive, caring wife would never have told you these things. I never told you these things because I just want you to be happy. I’m proud of you, but you have got to stop pretending that you put your family over your work, because you just do not have that kind of job, Jimin. You can’t sit here and promise me that you’ll never let me go, because the first time that promise was honestly tested, you left me.”

“Do you want me to stop being an idol?” Jimin asked thickly. I didn’t look at him. I didn’t want to see him cry.

“I want you to stop making promises you can’t keep.”

We sat in silence. I played idly with my hair while Jimin kept brushing at his eyes. I wasn’t even sure of what I was feeling.

Finally, Jimin let out a shaky sigh. I glanced over at him; he stared fixedly at his hands.

“I should have just kissed you.” He whispered.

I couldn’t help but agree.