warning: brief and very vague bullying scene and some violence. this chapter contains self-doubt and angst that may be triggering.

 

 

 

To Seungyoon, first impressions always counts.

 

He appreciates crisp shirts ironed to perfection, hair in all the right places, a wide smile and friendly rehearsed words. He wants to be better, he strives for perfection and yearns for that look of approval. With a heavy burden on his shoulders as the president, he’ll never be able to have a free day. In the four walls of the geometrical dorm room he shared, he worked and worked. Like a worker bee, he stares at the blaring screen of his laptop until it was three in the morning.

 

A cup of coffee by his side, eyes drooping with sleep as he struggles to finish yet another essay. It never seem to end, words flowing and flowing until he can no longer squeeze out any more. When he feels like giving up, he takes a quick glance at the picture that hangs at the side of his desk. An old photo of him and his mother at their favourite barbeque place back in Busan. It reminds him why he was in university in the first place. For her, he thinks.

 

So, he takes another swig of his black coffee, and starts to rummage through his brain for words; knowledge and maybe the remaining ounce of joy in the ruins that was his heart.

 

 

For all of those same reasons, he puts on a smile. Even if he feels like his whole world was crashing down all around him, even if he felt like crying or if he wanted to just curl up in his room in the comfort of his warm sheets-- he smiles.

 

It’s the type of smile that’s convincing. His eyes are shining bright with something, his lips are stretched wide showing his pearly white teeth and his eyes crinkle at the sides, as it usually does. He manages to go through the entire day with no one asking him if anything was wrong. But they don’t know, that his eyes shine bright with a solemn sadness that itches, that his lips are stretched to keep his cries in.

 

 

The only person left who knows him well enough to through the cracks of his facade, is Taehyun. They’re sitting at the school library when Taehyun looks over at Seungyoon as he rapidly types away, hunched over his laptop. Seungyoon’s eyes are red, evidence that he had spent hours crying the night before. An almost hysteric look simmers underneath the pupils as he tries to pretend he’s okay.

 

“I think you should go home.” Taehyun speaks with a wary tone, as if worried he was going to trigger something.

 

Seungyoon frowns. “Don’t be silly, Taehyun. I still have my afternoon lectures, and there’s an important student council meeti--”

 

“No, I know you’re not okay and it’ll be worse if you stay in school.” Taehyun pleads. He sighs when Seungyoon proceeds to ignore him.

 

 

Taehyun remembers that gut wrenching feeling he felt when he saw Seungyoon standing outside his dorm room door, wearing his broken heart on his sleeve and eyes decorated with a lost expression. He looked wrecked, tears streaming down his face and chest heaving as he tried to air back into his system.

 

Taehyun remembers the anger he felt as he pulled Seungyoon in for an embrace. Seungyoon explained the reason behind his tears through broken stuttered words. Taehyun felt every hiccup, every shake, every whimper. He pulled his best friend closer, mortified and furious because of who had made Seungyoon cry.

 

Song Mino.

 

Ever since he walked through Seungyoon’s dorm room door with his oversized shirts, headphones stuck in his ears blaring with loud rap music, Taehyun had always known that Mino was bad news.

 

But at some point, when Seungyoon started to smile more genuinely, he thought, maybe Mino was good for the stressed out president after all. Seungyoon had started to eat proper meals after Mino whines constantly about being hungry, he had started to sleep earlier and he looked, for once, genuinely happy.

 

They were close. Taehyun had spotted them holding hands underneath the pillows during horror movie night, snuggling peacefully in the corner in each other’s warmth and nothing but a layer of clothes separating them. Taehyun would give anything for Seungyoon to be happy, and Mino had always made Seungyoon happy.

 

 

 

Until now.

 

“He’s a ing idiot.” Taehyun hissed. Mino couldn’t break this friendship or relationship or whatever Seungyoon and Mino had going on between them. Taehyun was certain, that even though they denied it all the time, Seungyoon only had Mino and Mino only had Seungyoon.

 

“No--” Hic. “Don’t call him that!” Hic. “It was--” Hic. “My fault.”

 

“I don’t see how this is your fault!”

 

“Well, for starters,” Seungyoon peels himself away from Taehyun’s arms and wipes away his tears. “I was the one who went in for the kiss…” Seungyoon shakily says. “He doesn’t like me, and it’s not like I can force him to. It’s fine. It’s whatever, I’ll get over it eventually. Just let me be dramatic about it for awhile so everything can go back to normal.”

 

Taehyun wants to scream, they’re both idiots. “Don’t try to act like you’re okay when you’re not! Plus, I’m pretty sure Mino is head over heels in love with you with the countless amount of times I've seen him look at you like you're the best thing in the world. He’s just stupid enough to mess it up!” was what he yearned to say, but he knows better.

 

Seungyoon is sensitive, and he might just break yet again at the harsh words jarring at him and invading his already confused mind.

 

So, Taehyun rings up Seunghoon and Jinwoo. In twenty minutes, they appear at Taehyun’s door, with spicy rice cakes in hand, several ramen packets and tubs of ice cream. They bring their respective pets, hoping that the fluffy tiny creatures would brighten up Seungyoon’s mood. While they smother Seungyoon with pats on the head and exaggerated coo-ing noises, Taehyun sits at the back in silence as he plans for The End of Song Mino.

 

/ / /

 

When Taehyun said The End of Song Mino, what he meant was cornering the guy the day after with his coldest, most piercing and intimidating cold eyes. Like a wild cat cornering its prey with a vicious predatory gaze, Taehyun just looks at him for what seemed like hours.

 

Once he’s satisfied with his work (Mino tearing up slightly and shaken), Taehyun snickers. “You don’t deserve Seungyoon after what you’ve done to him, bastard.”

Before Mino could defend himself or scold Taehyun for the lack of honorifics, Taehyun harshly shoves him into the wall. He leaves immediately, sparing no pitiful glance to the elder man.

/ / /

 

yoon it’s been three days. are u coming home?         [sent December 17th, 11:30PM]

 

seungyoon i’m so so so sorry please come home       [sent December 17th, 12:45AM]

 

yoon please what can i do to make it up to you         [sent December 17th, 12:45AM]

 

i know you’re awake                                               [sent December 17th,12:26AM]

 

im such an idiot u can hit me all u want but please come

home i miss you and let me explain                         [sent December 17th, 12:28AM]

 

With every message that pops up on the screen of Seungyoon’s phone, his heart grows heavier and heavier. The tension against his heart aches and a burning sensation tingled beneath his fingertips. He tried his best to resist caving unlocking his phone to reply to Mino’s kakao messages.

 

As more messages pop up on his screen, the more he feels like crying; but there are no more tears he could spare.

 

 

/ / /

 

Mino’s mood corresponds with the seasons.

 

 

Summer is the time filled with bright colors. Silver-blue lakes without a ripple or motion, as if time had been frozen. The stillness is broken until him and his friends jump in, breaking the water’s peaceful reverie. Heated bronzed skin, kissed by the sun. Body drenched cool water like a potion that removes the irritation from the sun. The same sun that sends the land to blossom in greens, pinks, and yellows. Summer takes the old dead blackened buds and colors it bright. Plants peeking through the cracks of the sidewalk, the taste of chlorine on his lips, movie marathons with Seungyoon. The echo of a bygone. Summer vacation are the months of brightness and buzzing excitement.

 

 

Although, winter has always been his favourite. It’s quite hard to believe, given Mino’s personality who loves social events, blasting music and the sun. Sure, it’s the time of the year when the sky seems gray and dull. When the sub zero winds bites skin that dares to be exposed in December. His footsteps crunch of fresh snow, ice-kissed cheeks red and dry, buried under the wool sweater Seungyoon gave him last Christmas.

 

The excitement of Summer now gone, only a peaceful serenity left to share in the warm, four walls of his shared dormitory. Mino loves winter because Seungyoon knows how to make the best hot cocoa (with extra chocolate sauce and marshmallows), the presents under the Christmas tree, the feeling of cuddling under warm bed sheets after a day of snow fights with Seungyoon. When all of the other students had gone home, Mino would stay with Seungyoon at the dorm, because the president copes inside finishing piles of work. It never felt wrong, or as if he was missing out, because wherever Seungyoon was, it felt like home. Warm and secure, that was winter to him.

 

But now, the bleak grey clouds reflected perfectly his grey mood inside. Short days and long nights, damp darkness creeping into his bones. Mino suddenly aches for summer again, when Seungyoon was beside him, nagging about how he didn’t bring an umbrella to fight the summer rains. Now, the world seemed to be lifeless and bare as if it had been put to sleep.

 

Regret would come back to him in random, quiet moments. When he was going to sleep in the empty dorm room, during silence moments in between conversations during lunch break. The look of Seungyoon’s eyes filled with hurt and tears the moment Mino pushed him away seeps into his mind. It settles down through his forehead and into his brain, demanding to be relived again.

 

He thinks that with every re imagining, he would satisfy his self-pity, but it only makes him feel tired. Tired of the neverending unforgivingness of his mind that always comes back to haunt him tomorrow. The tiredness shows on his face. Hair left uncombed, dark eye bags under dead eyes and his body drowned in his old worn-out hoodie. He sits alone at the back of the cafeteria, away from the questioning looks from his friends.

 

 

“Wow, what died in here?”

 

Mino glares at Namjoon. “Don’t mock my misery.” He throws his old, dirty napkins at the intruder. Mino doesn’t even talk to Namjoon. He’s heard stories, about the guy being a medicine student and the son of Kim Enterprise who owns a bunch of pharmaceutical companies across the world. They belong to two different worlds, and there’s only really one reason why he would ever sit with Mino.

 

“Did Seungyoon send you here?”

 

“Yes and no.” Namjoon flicks off stray rice grains off the table top. “Seungyoon’s a mess. We need our president back, but he’s being stubborn and refuses to talk to you. ”

 

“I wouldn’t blame him.” Mino grumbles.

 

He hears an audible, loud sigh. “Look, do you guys want to make up?”

 

Mino feels a headache creeping up and lifts his hood over his head. He remembers that this was the hoodie he wore back on the rooftop the day before the kiss happened. He vaguely imagines Seungyoon’s fingers fiddling with the tips of the strings on his hoodie. The words flow out of his mouth before he could even stop himself.

 

“I don’t know what I’d do if we don’t.”

 

Namjoon just gives him this look, eyes sparkling with simmering with a sudden realization. “If you really want him back, just apologize.”

 

If only it was so simple. Guilt tears at his heart, rips his insides and burns his skin and veins.

 

If only it was so simple to be forgiven.

 

/ / /

 

“Do you like him? Like, like like him?”

 

“What? No, I’m not-- I don’t. Okay? I don’t like him like that.”

 

“Then why don’t you just move on? What’s so special about him?” Jiho says, as if talking about the weather.

 

Mino, on the other hand, reacts to the words as if it’s the most ridiculous thing in the entire world. As if Jiho had said the sun rises from the west, that the Earth is square and that time moves backwards. He can’t find the words to explain it, why he needs Seungyoon to be in his life again.

 

Seungyoon’s indeed special to him.

 

He’s like rain; a comfortable, steady rhythm similar to the consistent beats of raindrops hitting against concrete. They know each other at the back of their hands. Seungyoon knows the right words to get Mino out of a slump, he knows that Mino loves to eat chinese takeout after the final day of exams. He knows how to read his body language, unsaid words hidden beneath his eyes and lips. He knows when to leave him alone when he’s working on his music. Seungyoon is the tumultuous thudding of his heart, excited bright eyes staring at his own pair.

 

Seungyoon knows Mino in a way no one else will ever know him, and that’s what makes him special.

 

“I don’t know. He just is.” Mino answers after five minutes of silence.

 

/ / /

 

“C’mon, when will you stop sulking? Just forget about him!” His classmate, Jiyeon says after Mino rejects her offer to follow them out to the noraebang after their afternoon lecture.

 

At the thought of forgetting about Seungyoon, it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. They say that pain will subside with time. If the pain subsides because he’s forgetting, how is that any better? If the memory of Seungyoon will escape his mind forever. If he no longer is reminded of Seungyoon with every acoustic guitar he sees, and the marvel movies they watched countless times together no longer brings tears to his eyes, what is the point?

 

If getting past his disconsolance and pain means forgetting about Seungyoon, Mino would rather deal with the pain for the rest of his life.

 

/ / /

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