There were things in life that couldn’t be simply controlled or stopped. Some things just happen naturally, without you expecting it to. And sometimes these little unexpected things become the events that matter the most to you.

My name is Moon Byulyi. You can call me Byul. By the time you’re reading this, I just went through my first heartbreak. It was expected, really. I knew a long time ago that there was nothing that will come out of our relationship other than friendship. Along with that knowledge, I also knew that she wasn’t interested in dating someone of the same . Even if she reminded me so many times how, if I somehow magically turned into a dude overnight, she would fall for me instantaneously. It was a compliment, I suppose, but it didn’t make the fact that I am who and what I am hurt. And the fact of all facts is that because I was biologically female, she will never look at me how I look at her.

She meant more to me than she will ever know. When I was younger, I wasn’t too social. In fact, people hardly talked to me since I kept to myself. I was a bit of a geek although as I grew older I became more extroverted. No one tried to approach me sincerely. People were just around if they needed me but one day, she did. Just randomly in the library while I was reading she sat next to me and smiled.

“Hi, I’m Yongsun. Kim Yongsun. You’re Byulyi...right?” She asked.

I nodded, speechless and overwhelmed. I think I was on my period that day. I don’t remember. All I remembered was that I was so relieved someone pulled me out of the black hole I was living in.

She smiled some more, picking up her books from her bag and scooted closer to me. “Do you mind helping me with my homework, then? I heard you’re the smartest in class,” she said, looking at me straight in the eye with her penetrating gaze.

My heart skipped a beat. And ever since that day, it continued to do that.

But hers never did. All of these years.

It’s not like I made an effort to let her know either. We moved in together in college to save money. She liked and dated boys. Raved about someone cute every now and then and I had to pretend that I was interested. We went on group dates and there were confessions here and there. For both her and I. She dated and I waited.

It was the typical best friend story in which friend A is oblivious to friend B’s feelings until friend B couldn’t handle it anymore and had to confess. Except that in this story friend B was hopelessly wishing that fate will change its course for the better.

Plus, it would disgust her to know that her best friend had these kinds of feelings and thoughts about her. I was the person who she trusted the most second to her family. Continuing to have these urges make her feel as if I betrayed her. Like a sick stalker or something like that. So I just hid it. Like I hid most of my feelings.

I played my role as her best friend and made sure that she was happy. Every little gesture or word could be taken the wrong way so I was careful. Too little of this and she’ll notice, too much of that and she’ll know.

And I couldn’t afford for her to know.

As the years went by, I learned to deal with this ache in my chest. Most of the time I just liked being with her, making her smile and laugh and being there through everything. Even through her heartaches.

Some sick part of me actually liked that she didn’t last long with most of the guys she dated. I know it was wrong for a best friend to think this way, but I couldn’t help it. I was happy that...that she was still mine, in some sense, you know?

At least for now.