Bingu - A Fool

The whole entire filming was a little awkward for Daesung. It was one thing to be a completely different person when the camera’s on with the Family cast, to be complete opposite of what he was when a guest comes to the filming, but it was another to do it in front of his hyung. This hyung in particular. He had a little taste of it when Jiyong hyung came but the leader understood- he was G-Dragon when he was on stage singing and Jiyong behind the scenes. But Seunghyun, he didn’t want to be different and funny and outgoing, he wanted to be his normal self where it was Seunghyun who did those things for him. And that feeling mixed with nervousness and an eager to please the audience was what made him blurt it out,

Bingu Top.

It rang between his ears and when he saw his hyungs face - he didn’t think he’d ever seen Seunghyun look so disappointed and shocked at him before in his life. And he didn’t think the image of his disappointed hyung would ever go away from his brain. He didn’t mean it, he hardly blurts out secrets of his band members and this was a first that Daesung has ever done that. And yet, Seunghyun didn’t speak to him after that.

Seunghyun didn’t really speak to him all morning,

He didn’t speak to him when they went after filming to their dorm,

Nor the week after that.

And Daesung knew why, he understood. He really did. He hated that it was because of him that Seunghyun was ignoring him and he didn’t want that at all. He hated the silence between them and he knew he had to fix it. But he was scared. Scared that he will make it worse. Scared of hearing exactly how Seunghyun felt when he knew that nickname was out. Scared to knowing just how much he disappointed Seunghyun. But Daesung can be brave when he wanted to be, and so with Jiyong’s help, he managed to knock on Seunghyun’s door, and with Jiyong’s help he managed to enter into his hyung’s bedroom.

He wasn’t surprised to see his hyung on the bed - all layered up and a blanket tucked right up to his chin, earphones tightly in his ears - ignoring the world around him as he fiddled with keyboard on his laptop. Daesung would have smiled at the sight if Seunghyun wasn’t staring at him. He wasn’t glaring, he wasn’t making a face, he just waited for his dongsaeng to start talking. And that made Daesung even more nervous, his fingers fidgeting, his shoe trailing an invisible line across the cloth strewn carpet. He didn’t know it was so hard to say sorry, but he was. He was sorry with all his heart. He should have known that there was a line between funny and revealing a secret to be funny but it’s too late to take that back. He could have stayed behind, pleaded with the PD to not put it in but he didn’t. He didn’t even try. He supposed that that was also why his hyung was not impressed by him. He didn’t even try to correct that wrong.  He could hear a sigh and a gentle click of the laptop as it closed. He jumped a little but still held his ground

“I’m sorry hyung”

It came out a little shaky and Daesung couldn’t hide that fact that tears was welling up in his eyes. He doesn’t cry, he never did when things got hard for him and yet here he was, his eyes filled with unshed tears and a clogged up throat that could not speak for him anymore. He didn’t dare meet his hyungs eyes, he was sure that this isn’t the apology he wanted.

“I am so very sorry” He managed to strangle out, his whisper staining the silent room.

And it was still silent before it was broken by Seunghyuns own deep voice,

“I know”

He could hear the creak of the bed as Seunghyun got up to hug him and Daesung was slightly pleased that he didn’t manage to bawl right then and there but when Seunghyun smiled at him - he knew everything was okay. Everything will be better now and with one last hug, Daesung left the room.

Leaving Seunghyun to think about the past few weeks in his room.

Daesung was busy. He was always busy these days - especially when more appearances on shows was added to his ever growing schedule. He misses s; he misses just sitting down and using his free day to just sit quietly in his room, ignoring the world as he got lost in his thoughts. Of course that doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy what he does, but he’s grown to be wary on variety shows - there’s only so much you can say about the members that are already public knowledge no matter how you word it. People want new things, new information to wave and make fun of. So he thought it would be easier when it was confirmed that both his hyungs would appear on Night After Night. It would be easier to make eye contact and validate whether it would be okay to share a story - whether it would be okay to share this with the world. But it wasn’t just him Jiyong and Seunghyun had to share it with, the MC’s had to be involved to - to get a general idea on where the show is going and who is going to jump in and say a joke and then the script is written. And Daesung couldn’t help but feel sorry for the maknae of BigBang. It wasn’t fair at all, but Daesung was never good at voicing his complaints - they become garbled and tend to sound like he’s joking half the time, covering his complaint with a smile so that the other won’t feel offended. But surely Seunghyun would know what it was like to reveal so many secrets - so why on earth would he do that to Seungri. Big Bang’s strong baby? They might not be close but Daesung does have a heart. Nevertheless he went along with it, for the sake of the show, for the sake of being funny.

Of course when all three went home together, it reminded Daesung of a certain CD he had to listen to. Jiyong knew he was busy and Seunghyun had reminded him the day before and yet, there was no time for him to simply relax and listen to the subunit that is GD&TOP. It wasn’t his style of music but he owed it to the hyungs to diligently listen. And so he did. And his heart was in his throat when he heard the last song

Bingu TOP.

He couldn’t help but replay the songs again,

And again,

And again.

And a slow smile crept on Daesung’s face. Bingu TOP. He shouldn’t feel bad after so long and yet, he had been nothing but careful since the incident and to know that it is a phrase that Seunghyun hyung s was using in his songs made Daesung feel marginally better. It felt like a weight had been lifted of his shoulders, to know that his hyung had fully embraced the nickname and all that it stands for. He may still feel guilty that it was him that shared it with the world, but at least Seunghyun was making light of it.

“When did you get angry the most?”

“My nickname is Bingu”

And Daesung could see his hyung, right there on that screen in front of him. Talking about when he revealed hyung’s nickname in Family Outing.  He could see another screen being pointed at him. So he did what he always did, he laughed it off. But it hardly fooled anybody, not even himself. He knows that this is the part where they will replay that scene again, where he foolishly revealed his hyung’s nickname and he couldn’t help but clench his fist and tense his legs. He wanted to get out; he didn’t want to be here anymore. He wanted to go to his apartment and sit in a ball and cry, because he stupidly thought that he was forgiven. That his hyung had moved on.  He felt tears coming there and then but when a soft voice whispered “Oppa” in his ears, he held it back. Minzy always knew when someone was going to break down, she also knows how to distract them until they are in their sanctuary of privacy. And Daesung was thankful that he was seated next to 2ne1’s maknae, it made it easier to joke and laugh with the others until the PD called cut and the filming was officially finished.

He went home straight away.

He didn’t cry nor did he curl up into a ball and scream ‘why’. He was better than that. So he sat down and drowned his mind into the simple-ness that is doraemon. He may have moved on from the robotic cat, but watching that blue coloured robot always calmed him and reminded him of the simpler times in life.  He wished he could go back, back to when he was naïve and simple minded.

He expected a knock on the door.

Until he chose to sit next to Seungri.

Daesung wasn’t a man of neither pride nor selfishness. He doesn’t relish in people’s pain or bad experiences. He hated to keep a grudge - preferring to forget and ignore and move past it with a happier outlook. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy the look of bewilderment on his hyungs faces, nor join in with Seungri’s chuckles as they just blatantly stared and stared. For some reason, resentment flooded him at Seunghyun’s confused state, usually it was him that took the pride spot next to Seunghyun, but now, after knowing that Seunghyun still held a grudge against him for one blunder really tickled his nerves. He had made one blunder and yet he hardly held a grudge for the other members, a nickname against the revelation that he finally got in a pool... It was unfair at best.

And yet Daesung could hardly believe it. He didn’t want to talk to this hyung anymore, he just felt tired all of a sudden. But when he moved his head to look at the clock near the doorway, he accidently caught Seungri’s eyes. And Daesung knew. He knew that Seungri felt exactly how he had been feeling. There was a sharp edge to Seungri’s eyes, like he wanted to explode from pure anger at how they used him to be funny. Containing his tears because it just wasn’t fair. And Daesung knew because that’s exactly how he was feeling too. It may not be on par with all the stories of ography exposed, but knowing that Seunghyun will forever hold his own mistake over his head is enough to make him break down. So he did something he and Seungri had never willingly done before.

They held hands,

And a sense of comradery washed over them.