~ Dangerously Curious ~
PG - crack humour, minimal mature content
Baekhyun ft. Junmyeon, Chanyeol & Jongdae
 

In which Baekhyun asks the real questions
(An au based on Tumblr posts)

'Curiosity is, in great and generous minds, the first passion and the last' - Samuel Johnson

It’s a dreadfully dark day. The storm clouds are just huge splotches of blackness and are rolling over the city. From them, rains hammers down, smacking against windows and drenching people brave enough to face it. The wind is vicious and chilling, pushing trees to the side and sending debris flying crazily over the roads. It is virtually impossible to walk along outside without being blown over by the unbelievable force.

The boys despise days like this. They prefer the sparkling sun and the sensational shine, the waves that tumble across the shore under burning hot rays of light. If they aren’t out catching these waves, they’re splashing about in them or observing the professionals that thrive amongst them. So, when the weather plummets downhill, they become restless. Remaining indoors is difficult because they cannot sit still, and there are few stores in their area that are friendly for a male audience. A couple of them have miniscule collections of video games, but these are not enough to satisfy their desire for activities that induce adrenaline. Neither is the stinky food court they are currently sitting in.

Baekhyun munches his sandwich sluggishly, eyes lazily following a woman as she exits the restroom. She has a wailing child in her arms and seems exhausted, her facial features contorted, mascara terribly smudged around her eyes and splattered down her reddened cheeks. Her entire shirt is dripping wet, a lacy pink bra fully visible through the transparent material. The child kicks and thrashes stubbornly, but the woman powers on. It’s not like she has any other choice.

Chanyeol is talking, but Baekhyun is completely oblivious to the conversation occurring around him, instead chewing thoughtfully. He chooses the moment that his friend has reached the of a story to interrupt.

‘Why do people who use baby changing stations come back out with the exact same baby?’

The food on Junmyeon’s fork slides off, plonking onto the table with a soft, wet splat. A chunk of beef slides off Jongdae’s tongue, toppling out of his widely agape mouth. Chanyeol chokes on his own spit and splutters noisily, before desperately reaching out for his glass of water and choking on that too. Meanwhile, Baekhyun stares seriously at them as he waits for an answer.

Three pairs of eyes point in Junmyeon’s direction. This is no surprise, because Junmyeon is undoubtedly the most intelligent of the lot and often fills the fatherly role whenever the others act irresponsibly. He has a diploma in something smart – the other three have never thought to ask him what – and always tactically calculates the cost of everything before it has even been processed through a register. The only subject he is not well acquainted with is that of the study of women, so he is never sought for advice in this field, despite his false claims that he could get more action than all of them combined if he really tried hard enough.

Junmyeon wipes the back of his hand over parted lips and coughs awkwardly to clear his congested throat. ‘Well, uh, Baekhyun…baby changing stations aren’t designed to literally change a baby. They’re actually for things like the removal and replacement of dirty diapers.’

‘Then why is it called a baby changing station?’

‘Because you can change your baby’s soiled garments there.’

Baekhyun frowns in confusion, but doesn’t push the matter further and lets the others carry on eating. He continues to think about it though.

It is later in the day, after they have made a mad dash through the rain to reach their vibrant pink van, that Baekhyun’s inner voice pipes up once more. His gaze falls upon a man in an open shirt, his s erect and beer gut on full display, drooping grossly over the waistband of his shorts.

He jumps into the passenger seat and turns to Junmyeon, who is starting up the ignition. ‘Why doesn’t Aladdin have s?’

‘Because Aladdin isn’t real and is therefore allowed to defy what is considered to be anatomically correct.’

‘Oh…what’s the most pleasurable position?’

Jongdae, from the backseat, groans inwardly. ‘You’re asking the wrong person, Baekhyun.’

‘I suppose you’re right’, Baekhyun responds, twisting his body to peer at the two behind him, ‘Jongdae, Chanyeol…what’s the most pleasurable position?’

‘Wouldn’t that differ from person to person?’ Chanyeol questions, eyebrows knitting together.

Baekhyun shrugs. ‘I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.’

When he receives no enlightenment, Baekhyun turns to face the front and crosses his arms tightly, sulking. His bottom lip juts out in a pout and his prettily shimmering eyes are casted down.

This doesn’t last long enough. He is back at it again by the time they return to their apartment, not even waiting for each person to walk through the front door before he goes off on a tangent of spewing ridiculous questions. Chanyeol pulls out a stool by the kitchen counter and leans over a magazine and Jongdae shoves Junmyeon onto the couch, but Baekhyun paces around in quick, uneven circles, his mind a jumbled mess. It almost seems as though he is discovering a scientific breakthrough, but the reality of the situation is not anything to be excited about. There are preposterous thoughts bouncing around inside his skull, begging for answers, and the only way he knows how to search for them is by prodding and bugging his three surfing buddies.

‘Do identical twins have an identical ?’

‘Why are babies in the womb for nine months, but we don’t consider them to be nine months old when they’re born?’

‘Which pair of s do newborn centaurs le from?’

‘If a man who is attracted to women has a change and is still attracted to women, is he gay or straight?’

Eventually, the others branch off and lock themselves away or attempt to find a means of distraction from small things around the apartment. At one point, after trapping himself in his room with no food or water for hours on end, Jongdae pokes his head through a tiny crack in his door. His eyes flicker back and forth, and then still to focus on the bathroom at the end of the hall. If he makes a break for it, he can reach the toilet and release his gurgling bowels without being noticed. So, with a sharp inhale, he darts forward and flings his body into the bathroom, smashing the door behind him and hastily locking it. He sighs contently and tugs his pants off.

There is an irritable knocking the moment his cheeks meet the seat. ‘Would the entire ocean turn into holy water if a priest blessed it?’

‘I swear to God Baekhyun, if you ask one more damn question I’ll snap your puny neck!’

For a few seconds there is silence and Jongdae thinks he hears Baekhyun shuffling away, but that hope is short-lived. ‘Do you think a priest could bless that toilet water even though your s are so unforgivably sinful?’

Chanyeol is the next target, because he takes the chance to zoom to the kitchen when he fails to detect Baekhyun moving around outside his door. He rummages speedily through the cupboard, knocking over every single item of food in the process, until there’s a full bag of chips firmly grasped in his fingers. There is a grin on his face as he steps backwards.

‘Can you un-bake a cake?’

Tin cans roll out of the cupboard and crash onto the ground as Chanyeol screams. It is a high-pitched thing that sounds like it should be emitted from the lips of a toddler instead of a man towering above six feet tall, and it makes Baekhyun chuckle hysterically, tears welling in his eyes. Chanyeol grumbles in frustration and stomps away, trying his best to ignore the questions following him all the way back to his room.

Baekhyun stops on the way to the taller man’s room when he decides that Junmyeon is the best option. He spins and heads off in the direction of the wisest surfer’s room, to discover that he is in a deep slumber, mouth open and snoring loudly. Junmyeon is innocent like this, and appears to be incredibly comfortable under his insane mess of tangled sheets, but Baekhyun disregards such an image and trudges right over.

He leans in, pressing his lips to Junmyeon’s ear. ‘What’s a plug?’

Junmyeon startles awake and commands Baekhyun to repeat his question. Upon the confirmation, he smirks sadistically and swings his legs over the bed, urging the younger male to come closer with the curl of his finger.

‘Do you want me to show you?’ Junmyeon asks, cocking an eyebrow.

Baekhyun nods eagerly and lets the other man lead him out of the room by the hand. They plod around and gather up Chanyeol and Jongdae, and congregate in the lounge room, splaying about on the couch.

Junmyeon, after ensuring that Baekhyun’s attention is pointed elsewhere, tilts and lowers his voice as he addresses the other two. ‘Chanyeol, I know you’ve got quite the stash of toys under your bed. Our little Baekhyun wants to know what a plug is, so could you fetch yours to show him?’

When Chanyeol returns with the object in his hand, Baekhyun resolves to stop asking questions and focus solely on surfing.