He noticed how she suddenly became quiet soon after, while he was still laughing about the jokes he made.

He waited for a few moments, only to be greeted by pure silence, only the sound of the wind blowing the leaves out of its branch.

His feet brought himself to a stop; he himself didn’t even know why he stopped, his feet just did.

But the girl, who he liked to call as his, just kept walking.

He noticed how each steps seems heavier than before, how hard she tried to keep walking like nothing ever happened.

But he knew something did happen.

Because he knew she only kept walking and walking to keep the tears from falling down.

He felt her.

Because inside; she was breaking apart.

She felt his footsteps drumming against the asphalt behind her, before finally it relaxed to a steady rhythm beside her own.

“I am about to ask you about how you feel, and I know you’re not fine so I don’t want to hear ‘I’m okay’ coming out from you.” He started; his voice a mere whisper, but loud enough to reach her ears.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, this time in a louder voice.

She sighed. “No.” She stopped on her tracks, turning her body around; they are now face to face. “I am not okay, HanBin. I’m not—I’m not okay.” Her voice trembled, her small lips barely even lifted. She looked down on her feet, playing with her fingers, doing anything else but meeting his eyes.

“I—. I really do at sharing my feelings.” She laughed bitterly, but he didn’t laugh along. He knew she was pitying herself right now, and he hated that. “I have been playing this scenario on how I am going to tell you what’s on my mind all along, but—it just won’t come out. It won’t come out, HanBin.”

“It’s okay. I’ll wait until you’re ready to tell me your story, like how you’ve always listen to mine.” He answered, flashing her a small smile.

Even without her telling him what’s wrong, he kind of already guessed that it’s something really important to her. It must be something important for her to make her feel this… lost, wasn’t it? His girl was the type to not let things bother her life; she didn’t give a about what others said to her, about what they think of her.

At one point he thought that it might not be something that serious; she always deal with everything on her own anyway, even the hardest one; so why was this one any different?

But the look she gave him; that empty, lost eyes she gave.

It gave him goosebumps.

It made his insides shiver in worry.

He felt the atmosphere around them getting thicker, the air heavier each time they breathe.

She was breaking down.

“You know, I have this older brother. We share the same dad but different moms.” She trailed, eyes still looking down her feet.

“A half-brother, you say?”

“Yeah.”

Taking a long breath, she continued, “Mom just text me earlier… She said that he’s gone.”

He stood still, brain not processing every word she said perfectly. “Wha—What did you just say?” “My older brother is dead, HanBin. He’s gone.” She repeated, lifting her head up to meet his gaze.

How he regretted looking back inside those deep eyes.

He saw nothing but emptiness. She was confused, not sure of what to do, how to feel.

“I—I don’t know what to say.” He sighed.

They rarely talk. His girl and her older brother. He remembered her mentioning him before. She lived with him when she was in kindergarten, but she never remembered living under the same roof with him when she stepped into the first grade of elementary school.

She told him that she never remember much.

There’s nothing much left for her to hold about him. Only pieces; small pieces.

She remembered how he used to come back home really late in the night, only to get scolded the next morning.

Or when he used dad’s car and return in back with the polish already scratched.

She remembered how he sometimes brought girls home, but she never knew any of them; he never introduced her to any of those girls.

She remembered seeing the mirror on his room cracked, like it was punched out of rage.

Together with all of those pieces,

She also remembered one day he picked her up from her kindergarten.

And one day when he drew her face on a piece of paper; he had always love drawing.

One day when he let her rest her feet on his lap.

One day when they were watching her TV show.

Also when he would introduce her to his friends as his ‘younger sister’ without her even realizing why or how they were related, because she knew they don’t have the same mom.

But even after she knew they share the same dad, she never introduced him to her friends; they never met anyway, she thought.

Every time she needed to fill out forms from school, university, anything else; she always emptied out the ‘older sibling’ column.

“You know what’s weird?” She asked, leaning her back on the bench, while he took his place beside her. The park was weirdly empty that day, no one was playing by the swing, nor by the slide. Completely no one.

“I don’t even know how to feel.” She sighed. The girl brought her legs up and hugged her knees to her chest. Resting her chin on top of her knee, she continued, “I don’t… I don’t even know if I have the right to cry.”

He knew she needed to talk, even though it was hard for her to let other people know about how she really felt inside, she knew she wanted to share it with him. So he was going to let her let it out little by little, slowly, however she liked it. He was willing to wait.

“It all felt surreal. Like everything was a joke.” She began to stutter. “I am not that close to him to even feel completely lost and sad, but I cannot not be sad either. I just… I just don’t know.”

The wind blew up the leaves around them, giving the chills. He noticed how his girl shivered, but again, trying not to let it show.

Sighing, he got up from his seat, taking his jacket off, and hand it over to her.

“Wear it.”

“No. I’m not cold.”

“I saw you shivering, wear it.”

“I said I am not cold.”

“ing stop pretending, will you?!”

Her eyes widened as he shouted at her, over and over.

“Stop hiding your ing feelings. I am sick of it. I am sick of how you always pretend to be strong, how you pretend everything is okay with you when actually it is far from okay. I hate how you even tried to joke around with me earlier to hide your feelings, but guess what? It doesn’t ing work. Because you know I can read you like an open book. So stop trying to be strong for a while and cry your ing heart out, damn it.”

His breathing became irregular, flaring with anger and desperation.

Angry at himself, because he cannot make her opened up to him about this matter sooner and let her held it all in alone.

Desperate to know how she really felt inside. Her honest feelings, her pure worries, her scarred soul.

He wanted to feel her.

He wouldn’t notice the tears she already dropped if not for the sobbing she let out.

It came out small, but then it turned louder, and louder, and louder.

He kneeled in front of her, holding her tight. Her body felt frail, like it would break any sooner.

“Hey, you have the right to cry, okay?” He whispered on her ear. “Different mother or not, he is still you older brother.”

“It pains me that… That I don’t remember much of him.” She continued her story when her cries died down. “I knew he was sick, and I didn’t even visit him. I believe he would get better. I believe He had the best plans for him; to make him better, to heal him. I believe there would be a next time for us to meet. But… there is no next time now.”

Her tears continues to drop,

“The last time he visited us, he asked whether have I graduated already or not, and I answered ‘yes’, but then that’s it. He went back to his home when I was not home, and I didn’t even bid him goodbye. I didn’t even walk him to the front yard. I didn’t… I didn’t get to say anything more because I believed there would be a next time for us to meet. But then he fall sick, and the next thing is, he’s already gone.”

His shirt had been wet by the time she finished her story, but he still refused to lose his hold on her.

“It pains me that the last time we met was just… Just like that.” She sniffled. “It pains me more to realize… That I don’t have enough memories about him. Only fragments, small pieces. Not enough for me to hold on to once he’s gone. Not enough for me to even know what his favorite color is, what he likes to do besides drawing, what his personality really is like. Not even enough to someday miss his presence after he’s gone.”

“He might not be the best brother in the world, I don’t even get the feeling of having an older brother at all; I mean, I am used to do everything for myself, by myself. But he is still my brother, even if we’re not close.”

“Even if I don’t remember much about him, I know believe he is a good person, I know he is a good person.”

The girl let go of his hug, eyes looking back to the ground. “I knew he had a tough childhood, I think even worse than mine. His mom got remarried, and she had another child. A boy, as old as I am.” Now she looked up to the sky and sighed. “He didn’t receive as much love as I did. And right now, when I think about it, it feels like I am stealing dad from him.”

She let out another bitter chuckle, “But he never hated me. Never.”

The tears dropped to her cheeks once more. “I wouldn’t want to share my dad with someone else. But he did. He even called my mom ‘Mom’. I wouldn’t do that if my parents would even get remarried to anyone, ever. I don't even want them to separate, moreover, remarried. Because they would stand as a stranger in my eyes.”

“I am not that close to him to feel utterly sad, but I cannot pretend I didn’t lose a family member, either. My feelings are in between. I just feel…”

“Empty.” 

He finished her sentence.

“Like there is something missing from your life, but you don’t know what. You wanted to be sad but don’t know what to be sad for. Because even if you don’t meet him often, or talk to him often, you have a connection with each other; you know he is living somewhere else, at the other side of the world being okay, but then suddenly he isn’t. Suddenly he is gone. You feel lost, and EunAe, there is nothing wrong with that.”

She nodded her head to his ever words, her hands wiping the tears away from her face, though some of it were already dried.

“Dad must have felt much much worse than I did.” She said. “I should pray for them. For my older brother and for dad.” She let out a small smile. “For my older brother so that he can rest peacefully now, and for my dad to keep strong.”

“You know, I wonder how you can still smile after crying.” He stated, taking his space back next to her on the bench. “I need to smile, HanBin. That’s the only way to survive, isn’t it?” She asked, or more like stating her opinion for him to agree on. He did agree about it, anyway.

“Thank you for today, HanBin. It means so much for me. I feel better now after talking to you.” The girl rest her head on his shoulder, her eyes closed. “No. Thank you for telling me how you truly feel, Ae.” Patting the girl on the head, he smiled.

He noticed how his vision started to blur, and his body started to disappear. The sun will rise soon, he thought.

So he kissed the top of his girl’s head, and bid her goodbye. “Thank you again, HanBin.” She flashed him her biggest smile that day. “Yeah, whatever. Just make sure you don’t do this to other guys, or I might hate you forever. I’ve told you that your face is ugly when you cry, right? Only I can see your ugly face.”

She threw him a skeptical look, “Seriously?”

“Okay, you got me. I would never hate you. I like you way too much.” His answer made her face flushed, and he just laughed along.

“Oh! And one more thing. Don’t flirt around with guys from college. I know you are a single since birth, but try not to seem so desperate, okay? And don’t you dress up to much, you have a bad fashion sense.”

She gasped, “HANBIN!”

“Anyway, make sure to only look at me, okay? No other guys, only me. Even though we only meet in your dreams, I also wanted to be in your days as much as I am in your nights. Got it?” He stated, putting up a threatening expression.

She only chuckled.

“Oh! And one last thing.”

“What?”

“I know you already are, but… Stay strong okay?”

“Okay.”

“Even though life is being a to you right now, and maybe at some other times in the future, do not give a damn about it, alright?”

“I won’t.”

“And lastly, Ae.”

“Yes, HanBin?”

“Promise me you will always be happy.”

“I promise.”

Author's Note:

Heyyy Guys~

Are you guys tired of me yet? Well, I hope not.

Because, well, you guys are the only person(s) I can talk freely to. I mean, we are basically strangers, and you guys don't even know hoe I looked like, and writing has always been my way of relieving stress, besides rapping along to GD. Kkk.

Well, like my story before, 'Purpose of My Existence', this one is also based on a true story.

I do had an older brother. And an older sister. Same dad but different moms.

I am not that close to them like how I am close to my younger brother, but it's not like I never met them either. We are more like cousins than brother and sisters.

And...

Yeah. He passed away yesterday.

It was afternoon when Mom texted me, and I was just finishing lunch with my university friends.

So I keep on walking, not sure if I have the right to cry or not, so I just held it in. And I still need to attend a meeting to talk about an event on my faculty. So yeah, I choose to push all the weird feelings inside and not cry.

But when everything is all over, and I get back to my room. I started to cry.

I don't even know why but I just did. I feel sad, and regretful. Regret of our last meeting with each other is just... just like that. Because I thought we are going to see each other some other time, but it turns out that... There is no other time. I wanted to update yesterday, but I cannot. There is not much time, and I just went straight to sleep. He was buried today morning, but I cannot come there because... well, it's in the other part of the country. Still in the same island, but for me to travel alone, it is counted as far.

The 'You' in the tittle is actually my older brother, and sorry if there isn't thet much of HanBin in this fic. I just feel like sharing my feelings to you guys.

So guys, please cherish people around you, don't use them for granted, smile at them as much as possible. Because you really don't know, I repeat, really don't know when they will go permanently from this world.

And my grandma is currently at the hospital. Get well soon, Grandma. I know you're a though one. The most femme fatale Grandma I know ever existed. #Nappeun Gizibe to the next level

The good thing is, I already started my university live two weeks ago! A week for the orientation program, and another week of studying. I sleep better than when I was still in High School. I think I am going to enjoy university life more. Because the class has started, I am currently living alone. The internet is not that good over here, but I hope it will get fixed soon so I can surf the internet more often.

Ooh! And... Because this is university, I get to see guys. Kkk. Seriously, I haven't made any contact with the other species for over three years. Going from an all girls high school made me like this. Tch~

Lastly, if you guys ever wanted to know things about me, just ask! I feel happy every time you guys leave a comment, it really brightens my day. So do ask! You can ask weird questions, anything, I don't mind. Just don't make me choose between HanBin, JunHoe, or ChanWoo. Oh! And DongHyuk. Maybe JinHwan? But YunHyeong is sweet too. #SLAP

Dear older brother,

I know we rarely talk, we seldom meet.

I still can't believe you are now gone permanently from this world. Because I believe there will always be a next time for us, for me to meet you one day, even we both don't know when.

But I believe, His plans are always the best.

I told Him once to heal you and make you feel better, and he really did. Just... in a different way.

Even though I never really felt your presence as an older brother, and I have not been presence as a little sister to you, too; I believe you are a good person, I know deep down there you are a good person.

And in those short moments we have, those fragments of you I store inside my mind and heart, even though I don't remember much;

You are a good brother to me.

You never scolded me, never screamed at me, not even mad for 'stealing' your dad.

So,

Eat a lot in heaven, okay? I don't know if there's food there or not, but eat a lot. I heard you were getting thin.

You're not sick anymore so it's good for you. You have the sky as your canvas now, so paint as much as you want.

Rest in peace, okay?

I'll be praying for you from here.

This is not goodbye, because I believe there will be a time when all of us be united as one again.

So,

Until we meet again, brother.