Yixing wakes up in the middle of the night when he feels a soft pressure on his bed. He blinks a few times, slow, confused, before he finally wakes up and realizes this isn’t right.

“Who- what?” he slurs, mouth not fully under his control yet, and the figure freezes.

A quiet voice whispers, “Ge?” and Yixing’s brow furrows as he pushes himself upright.

“Jongdae? Is that you?” It’s rare that Jongdae moves from his bed once he’s fallen asleep. He’s not the deepest sleeper, but he’s never had problems sleeping through the night, or at least that’s what Yixing remembers. It’s been a while since they’ve shared a room, with Yixing’s activities in China and their constant concerts, where all the hotel arrangements are different.

Jongdae- it is Jongdae, Yixing’s sure of it now, can see him in the darkness, the way he’s curved into himself- even with his expression shrouded in shadows, Yixing knows he’s upset. “Jongdae, are you ok?”

“I… it’s nothing, ge, forget it.” It’s not nothing, and Yixing frowns, reaching out to grip Jongdae’s wrist when he tries to get up. “Ge-”

“Jongdae.” Yixing’s tone is firmer now that he’s more awake, and Jongdae slowly lowers himself back onto the bed, protests dying on his lips. “What’s wrong?”

Jongdae doesn’t say anything for a few long moments. Then, “I forgot you were actually home tonight.”

That hurts Yixing more than it should. He knows that Jongdae didn’t mean to say that he’d forgotten Yixing. Rather, he’s gotten so used to Yixing’s absence that he still acts the same way even when Yixing is here. Even so, it hurts Yixing, because that shouldn’t be the case, that should never be the case. He should still be here enough that Jongdae remembers him, that his absence is jarring instead of expected.

But there’s also something weird about that statement, because it means… “Then- you’ve been sleeping in my bed while I was away?”

“Not every night,” Jongdae murmurs, soft, a little apologetic. “Just- just sometimes. When I can’t sleep.” When I miss you is left unsaid, but Yixing hears it anyways.

And that hurts, too. There had been nights before, when Jongdae couldn’t sleep, too stressed, too lonely, too uncertain. On those nights, Yixing had always stayed up with him, plied him with warm tea and soft hugs and gentle words, soothing and calming in his ear.

But now, Yixing’s left Jongdae to cope on his own, and he swallows hard. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, his throat tight. He releases Jongdae’s wrist, leans forwards to wrap an arm around his shoulders instead. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, ge,” Jongdae murmurs back, but he leans into Yixing, pressing tight against him, and Yixing can feel how he’s shaking, now. Just a tiny shiver, but it’s there, and Yixing tightens his hold, heart aching because this only happens when Jongdae is really upset. “I just- I couldn’t sleep well.”

“Did sleeping here help?” Yixing asks, and Jongdae nods, burrowing further into Yixing’s chest. Yixing just tugs Jongdae down, until they’re both lying on the bed, Jongdae still cradled in Yixing’s arms.

They cuddle once in a while, when one of them needs the comfort, but it’s almost always Jongdae that holds onto Yixing, doesn’t let go. It’s rare for them to be reversed like this, Yixing wrapped around Jongdae, keeping him close. Jongdae doesn’t struggle, doesn’t fight, just pushes back against Yixing, letting himself be comforted by Yixing’s presence.

“Is this ok?”

Jongdae lets out a shaky laugh. “Yeah. Yeah, this is fine. Thanks.”

Yixing just hugs him tighter. He can still feel the shaking, and he frowns, shaking his head against Jongdae’s neck. “Jongdae…” there’s a slight note of warning in his voice. He knows it’s not quite ok, not yet.

“…Can you- can you talk to me?”

Jongdae was always reassured by sound, Yixing supposes. Not noise, per se, not loud noises or raucous laughter or anything, but Jongdae liked background noise, music, soft words, something to fill the silence. It’s not an unusual request on nights like these, and Yixing nods. “What did you want to hear?”

“…teach me Mandarin again? I haven’t hea- I haven’t practiced in a while.” Jongdae says, and it’s mostly an excuse, Yixing knows. Even if he hasn’t practiced in a while, all the concert Mandarin is straightforward enough that Jongdae could say it in his sleep. But these days, Mandarin isn’t a language Jongdae would hear often, with Yixing as the only Chinese member left and never around.

Instead of saying anything, Yixing just closes his eyes. “声音.”

“Sound?”

“练习.”

“Practice. I know these ones, ge.”

“真的吗?” Yixing mutters, with a grin.

“Really?” Jongdae replies, while reaching around to smack Yixing’s side. “Ge, come on.” Yixing rolls his eyes, but considers finding harder vocabulary.

“拜托.”

“Please. But more like please.”

Yixing snorts, because Jongdae’s not wrong, but that’s definitely an interesting way to put it. “Beg me like that again and the others might misunderstand,” Yixing murmurs in Jongdae’s ear, and Jongdae kicks him this time.

“Next,” is all Jongdae says, and Yixing snickers.

“酸.”

“Sour?”

“Yeah. Also sore.”

“Are you?”

“Hmm?”

“Sore.”

“Not really.” Yixing’s back is never not sore, really, but he’s used to it by now, and tonight is a good night. “You’re doing well.”

“Only because you’re giving me easy words.”

“信任.”

“Trust.”

“耐心.”

“Patience.”

“关心.”

Jongdae pauses for a moment. “…caring?”

It’s not exact, Yixing thinks, but it’s a hard term to translate. “Pretty much,” he agrees.

“你关心我吗?”

“Yes, I care about you,” Yixing replies in Korean, gentle. “我想你.”

“I miss you.”

“你还好吗?”

“Are you ok?” Jongdae shoots back, sharp. Yixing swallows.

“孤独.”

“Lonely.”

“烦.”

“Frustrated.”

“我想你.”

“You already said that one, ge.”

“I know.”

Jongdae is quiet. Then- “How do you say ‘I love you’?”

“我爱你.” Jongdae’s not really asking that, not when it’s one of the only phrases almost everyone knows.

“我也爱你.”

“I know.”

Jongdae finally turns around. “I really, really missed you,” he breathes, and his eyes are wet, and Yixing reaches up to gently brush his tears away. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you the one apologizing?” Yixing mutters, still feeling guilty. “I’m the one that’s been away.” He presses his forehead against Jongdae’s. “I wish- I wish I could make it better.”

“It’s ok,” Jongdae says, his voice tight. “I- I know how it is. If I had the chance, I’d be doing the same, wouldn’t I?” They both understood, going into this, that their careers came first. Neither of them wanted the guilt of knowing they’d held the other back.

Even so, Yixing hugs him tight. “Still.” Even if he couldn’t- wouldn’t- change their circumstances, he can still have a few regrets.

“How do you say ‘it’s ok’?”

“没关系.”

“没关系, ge.”

And Yixing laughs, low, shaky. “If you say so.”

“Tonight,” Jongdae whispers.

“今晚,” Yixing replies.

“For now.”

“现在.”

“Stay.”

Yixing doesn’t respond to that one, but his kiss answers it nonetheless.

Chen and Lay are idols, with responsibilities that take them to places all over the world, sometimes with each other, sometimes without. But in the end, Jongdae and Yixing will always find each other again.

***

In the morning, Jongdae wakes up to the sound of the door closing. Yixing is leaving again, an early flight, and he sighs, reaching up for Yixing’s abandoned pillow and curling up around it instead. It still smells like Yixing, and he hugs it tightly, the way he always does when Yixing’s not there.

The sound of paper crinkling against his cheek makes him pull back, squinting at the Post-it note stuck neatly in the center of the pillow.

If you can’t sleep again, call me, ok? We can still practice on the phone.

But in the meantime- try translating this?

缘分

Jongdae pulls the Post-it off and sticks it to his desk, preventing it from getting crumpled under him while he sleeps. He pulls out his phone, and sends a quick message to Yixing, before curling back up under the covers with a smile on his face.

I don’t need to translate it. It’s what we have.

***

A/N: 缘分 (Yuánfèn) is usually translated as fate. But really, it doesn’t have a translation, not an accurate one. Fate is like every road leads to the same place. No matter what choices you make, you will still end up meeting. 缘分 is more like… you have a ton of open paths, but each and every path already has a predetermined ending. One would say that it was fate that brought Yixing and Jongdae together; it would be缘分 that allowed them to stay together.

You can have缘分 with anyone or anything. It means there’s a connection; the two of you match. Like two puzzle pieces that can fit together perfectly. But that’s the key- can. Whether they actually do- that’s up to you. You could have缘分 with infinite amounts of people, but picking someone, staying with them- that’s a form of缘分 too, that’s what really makes the缘分 exist between the two of you.

Fate is like looking at the future and saying “You will definitely reach this point.” 缘分 is like looking at the past and saying “So many things could have happened, but we still ended up here.”

This is coming from a non-native Mandarin speaker, so I can’t guarantee that my explanation is accurate. Corrections are welcomed ^^