I feel it everywhere. It’s like the kitchen counter is a phone on vibrate and someone is calling nonstop.

I have been deaf since I was five. I was able to learn how my own voice sounds before my hearing got taken away but it doesn’t mean my words still come out slurred. I got made fun of for my lack of knowing how i sound. Even with the hearing aids, sound comes in fuzzy and knowing that it’s the reason people like to point and laugh at me, made me super self conscious.

I learned sign language so I can find a way to get away from those who point. My own private language that my friends and I learned so we can talk about those s without them knowing. I never thought that i would fall in love with it, the beauty of it took my breath away and instead of seeing it as a way to talk behind people’s backs without them knowing, i saw it as an art.

When it was time for college, i decided i wanted to be able to teach kids with the same disability as me the beauty of not being able to hear so i majored in sign language. I was a bit of professor’s pet but being friends with the professors had its benefits. Professor Kwon, my favorite teacher, said he would give me 3 credits if i became his Teacher's Aid. I was so close to graduating that I couldn’t pass up such a great opportunity. I snagged the T.A. job thinking it would be a piece of cake… I was wrong.

I was basically a second teacher, when professor Kwon had too many papers to correct, he would tell me to teach the class my way of learning sign language and how much it impacts my life. The first thing i told them, “You took this class thinking it was an easy A because all you have to do is wave your hands around hoping it will mean a word or phrase. The same reason why you thought it was easy, is the same reason why it’s hard. It’s not all about waving your hands, it’s about trying to find a way to communicate with someone who doesn’t have the same strength as you.”

I didn’t think I moved hearts with my little speech but at the end of class, I got a fumbling giant with big ears tapping my shoulder. “Hello?”

“May I help you.” The giant was playing with his zipper nervously before looking up (or down) at me.

“I’m Park Chanyeol. I went to high school with you.”

I squinted my eyes until i can properly see what he’s talking about. The Park Chanyeol i knew was a bit smaller (but still taller than me), had a bit of baby fat and wore glasses but I can still see the face that would follow the person that would torment me around. “Ah, that Park Chanyeol. I see you grew up.” i looked past his shoulder, “Where is Do Kyungsoo? You two were practically attached to the hip.”

“We split apart after college.”

I let out a light chuckle, “Here to steal my hearing aids and stuff me into the janitor’s closet again? No, that one wasn’t fun at all, you guys had to up it a bit. ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if we put his hearing aids in a ziplock bag and throw it in the pool?’ Did you laugh when i almost drowned trying to get them out? Were you happy when the water seeped into the bag and damaged my hearing aids? ”

“I’m so sorry Baekhyun.”

“Do you know how much hearing aids cost? 500,000 won! My parents buy me the most expensive ones that are not noticeable to see and at least let me hear when someone is whispering about me. Which you guys tested out everyday. I can never forgive you.”

I pushed past him, bumping his shoulder so his satchel can fall down. “Why did you even take this class for? So you can make fun of deaf people in their own language?”

I felt a thump on the floor and I turn to see Chanyeol on his knees, “Please Byun. A lot has happened to make me repent doing what i did to you.”

“Not a chance.”

It was like that for a while, Chanyeol would stay after class begging for forgiveness and I would push past him to finish my T.A. work in Professor Kwon’s office. Sometimes he would follow me and stay outside until i finished so he can follow me again to my next destination. He even showed up to my work at the daycare for hearing impaired toddlers. He would sometimes help out in both situations; helping me make copies for Professor Kwon or carry the crates of milk cartons to pass out to the children.

It took me a month to finally talk to him. It was a day after he hadn’t shown up to follow me to Professor Kwon’s office, I didn’t realize how much of a presence he left until it was time to feed the kiddies their snack. The children would rapidly sign at me, asking where the giant went. “I don’t know.” I would sign back.

The next day while i was making copies of a worksheet for Professor Kwon’s other class, I let it slip out, “Where were you yesterday?”

“Huh?” Chanyeol looked up from the copier machine, his eyes were surrounded with dark circles and his eyes were red.

“Nevermind.”

“No. Um, i heard you. I just was just shocked that you noticed my presence.”

I let out a nervous laugh. “I’m sorry about that, I guess i still hold a grudge for what you did to me.”

“It was mainly Kyungsoo who did those pranks. I only followed him around because i was scared he would tease me instead.”

“So you let the deaf kid get hurt?” a hint of sadness seeped into my tone.

“I never meant for it to get that bad.” He grabbed my hand and held it tightly between his. “I’m really sorry about what happened. I am truly repenting.”

“How?”

“It turns out my family has a bit of a long line of Bipolar disorder. My symptoms started to show up after high school. I know it’s hereditary but i truly believe it’s my way of atoning for my wrong doings towards you. I still don’t know how to deal with it so sometimes I have episodes in the middle of class. I didn't want to be around you or the children during one of them.”

I free my hand from his and wrap my arms around him, “I’m sorry that you have to deal with that. I had no idea.”

“You went through far worse.”

“It’s okay, I’ve learned to live with it.”

“So will I.”

He pulled away from me and brought a hand to my cheek, “Can you please forgive me Byun Baekhyun?”

“On one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“Take me out to dinner and hmm, a movie?”

it’s been two years since Chanyeol and I started dating. Two years filled with episodes, fights, and sweet love making. After a year we moved in together into my cozy apartment. Having him move in was quite a difficulty. With his disorder, Chanyeol doesn’t do well with decisions so he goes through phases. It took me all my might to get him to graduate college with a music degree but afterwards he wanted to be a barista and took two classes before deciding it wasn't for him.

His new phase spinned off another phase. He wanted to be a DJ but he thought it was too much trying to get other people to sing for him. Chanyeol decided he had enough talent to become a rapper so he can mix it for his DJing. For the sake of the one I loved, i agreed to letting him install a small sound equipment set up in the apartment.

DEEP REGRET. Chanyeol keeps blasting the beats he makes and attempts to rap. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m glad to be deaf.

Tonight, he’s getting ready for a hip hop competition.  Chanyeol is blasting his beats and keeps speaking through his stupid microphone about how much rapper Kris Wu aka “Kreezy” is going to go down. So I can be able to cook dinner in peace, i took my hearing aids out and all i can hear is a small buzz like a fly. It does not mean i cannot feel the bass being dropped.

Being deaf makes your senses more heightened. I can feel the vibrations of music so i can enjoy it without the static of my hearing aids, sort of like Beethoven. I like practicing this skill once in a while when i want to escape from the world. Too bad it makes me even more vulnerable to Chanyeol’s rap beats.

I can feel the counter buzz as i try to cut a carrot. You can do this Byun Baekhyun. This is the man you love. I feel a different type of buzz a more intense one and i am ashamed to admit that i did lean into the counter to feel that one. Don’t be gross Baekhyun. I try to focus on cutting the carrots but the beat keeps getting more intense as do the vibrations.

He’s doing this on purpose, don’t let him get to you. I sort of told Chanyeol about my heightened senses and he likes to take advantage of it when we get intimate. His favorite form of  is to have me take off my hearing aids and make me guess what he’s saying or humming while he touches his lips with my thighs. That bastard. I clear my throat, i have to tell him to stop what he’s doing or i’m going to kick him out. I put my hearing aids back on and turn towards him.

Chanyeol is jumping around in the living room, his freshly dyed grey hair is standing up in all sorts of directions and he has a microphone in his hand. He must have noticed my glare because he turns down the music and motions for me to come to the living room.

“What now?”

“Can you hear me?” he signs to me.

“I have my hearing aids in so you can talk if you want.”

He breaks into a wide smile, “Yo Baek, check this out.” Chanyeol goes to his music switchboard and messes with the buttons. A heavy beat dubstep song comes on and he grabs his microphone. He starts bouncing around, with one hand in the air as if he’s trying to hype a crowd. To go along with his little shenanigans, I raise my hands and let out a monotone, “Woo!”

“AYO WUSSUP BYUN TO THE BAEK TO THE HYUN!” what the was that? Did that just happen? I sit in at state of shock of how my boyfriend just said the most boy thing ever. “Turn it off.”

“WHAT’S THAT?!”

“I said TURN IT OFF.” The giant jumps back and scrambles to push the button the switchboard to turn off the beat. “What’s wrong baek?”

“Repeat what you just said to me.”

“What?”

“Repeat it.”

He bowed his head as he murmured, “Ayo wussup byun to baek to the hyun.”

I let out a loud exhale and walk towards my room. “You’re sleeping on the couch today. Order take out. I don’t feel like cooking anymore.” I close my door to my room and flop on my bed. I can hear him whisper, “What did i do wrong?”

I close my eyes for a second but after a while i feel the space beside me on the bed dip with weight. “Baek, I ordered fried chicken. The delivery guy just left. Do you want some?”

I let out a small grunt and burry my face further into the pillow. All of a sudden a sniff fills the room. I lift my head up to see tears gliding down Chanyeol’s face. I lift myself up in a sitting position so i can wipe his tears. “Why are you crying my little yoda?” I drag myself onto his lap so i can wipe his face better.

“You told me to sleep on the couch.”

i coo at him, “And?”

“I didn’t even do anything wrong.” i bring him into a hug and let out a small sigh.

“I know my little yoda.”

“So why do want me to sleep on the couch?”

I pull back so i can cradle his face in my hands, “I need some peace and quiet.”

“Why don’t you just turn off your hearing aids?” Chanyeol nuzzles into the crook of my neck, I can feel the tears that have not  dried yet on my skin.

“Because i can still feel the vibrations.”

“Do you not like my new hobby?”

“Hmm,” i start to his hair so the pieces that were wild are patted back into place. “It’s just a little noisy to me. I like it when you play your guitar more than these hip hop beats. Those vibrations are better to handle.”

I feel his breath slow down and his eyes flutter close. “Sing to me baek.”

A let out a quiet laugh, “Me? Sing? you’re crazy.”

“I’ve heard you sing before, in the shower.”

“That’s called an invasion of privacy Chanyeol”

“You have a nice voice.”

He nuzzles more into my neck, his breath sends shivers across my skin. “Stop trying to butter me up.”

“Please.” he lets out a tired whine.

“Okay, okay.”  i clear my throat and let out a silent exhale.

“I woke up tired and feeling old

And I wondered why by bed was cold

And I thought could you have gone?

And if so where and how long?

And why would I let you go?

Why would I ever let you go?

Oh but sometimes my mind could tell my heart that yes is no

Like sometime I might wake up old and all alone

Oh no, what if I never knew your name?

Oh my god, the thought's insane

What if your love is not the same

As it seems inside my brain?

What if you're not really in my sheets?

Oh, just the thought gives me the creeps.”

I continue to pet his hair as i lay him down gently on the bed while I pull the sheets around us.

“We should be a singing duo.” he whispers.

“Shut up my singing isn’t that good.”

“I say it is. You sing and I play the guitar.”

I let out a snort, “Who would want to see us?”

“We’ll go to Hongdae and perform until someone signs us on.”

“How will we pay the rent?”

“we’ll go during the weekends.”

I hum an agreement, “Sounds like a plan.”

I was answered with small snores. I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer so i can feel the heat of his body warm me up.

That would be nice. Us two on the stage. I always liked singing just as much as sign language. But i think both our disabilities will hold us back. I burry my face in his hair and remember what Chanyeol told me when I didn’t get a job because they said my hearing impairment was a liability.

He dragged me to sit on the couch while he brought out his guitar. He sung me an American song in broken English but the lyrics hit home.

“ I met a man of two feet tall

This man was quite ambitious

In a world that is so vicious to us all

I said, "Hi," as he replied

He said, "Listen to these words

That I have lived by my whole life

"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be

And you're only as small as the world will make you seem

When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall

Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall"

“Baek, i know i was like one of those people that was prejudice to your disability but remember you can prove those people wrong by being the most successful interpreter in South Korea. I have faith in you.”

I let out a small groan, I have faith in us too.

That weekend, i allowed chanyeol to drive  me to Hongdae in our red 1995 Honda Civic hatchback. We started to set up in front of playground, making sure to keep out guitar case closed so people can know that we’re doing this just for entertainment. Chanyeol was strumming on his guitar and I had my small homemade rainstick.

“Baby, I love you

I never want to let you go

The more I think about,

The more I want to let you know:

That everything you do,

Is super ing cute

And I can't stand it.”