Henry remembers her blonde hair.

At first, he thought it was only his imagination because Amber is not one to be adventurous with her hair choices but he recognizes her eyes that sparkle when she smiles, the rounded button nose and that smile that he spent lifetimes falling for.

It’s her.

She’s seated across the cafe, nose buried in some book and Henry smiles. Even in this life, she’s still a huge nerd. Her phone dings beside her and a frown makes its way to his lips when she stands up to gather her stuff before leaving and Henry hopes that she’ll glance at him. Maybe if she does, she’ll remember.

But she didn’t.

He likes her more as a brunette, he decides, as his fingers tangle with her hair and she sighs softly in her sleep, snuggling further into his chest. He likes this Amber better because she knows his name and everything else about him. He likes this lifetime better because he gets to kiss her and tell her how much he loves her.

He likes this lifetime better because she loves him back.

“Why are you such a fragile little flower?” Amber teases with a laugh that’s supposed to injure his pride but only succeeded in making his heart skip a beat. She offers her hand and pulls him off the ground, still laughing. Henry loses himself for a moment, admiring the way her eyes shine when she laughs.

“Okay, you’ve proven yourself. You’re stronger than I am.” He says with a gentle smile and her shameless grin falters as she blushes under his gaze. “You win.”

Her hair is dyed a vibrant red this time, jammed messily under a cap and he brushes her bangs away from her eyes, chuckling when her cheeks almost match the color of her hair.

“You still need to train.” Amber mumbles and Henry hums but ignores her as he leans closer to claim her lips and any protests that she wants to say vanish, grabbing the collar of his shirt to pull him closer, instead. Henry smiles and hopes that in this lifetime, he gets to be with her longer.

Three weeks later, Amber took a bullet for him in a riot and Henry tries to save her but he couldn’t.

“Maybe it’s because I stand out too much.” She manages to joke, bloody chest heaving. “What do you think of brunettes?”

Henry wishes he could forget this lifetime.

“Henry, open up!” Eric bangs on his door repeatedly and Henry tsks, hastily fixing his hair before opening the door, rolling his eyes at his roommate.

“I’m not exactly thrilled to be a third wheel in your date with Amy, Eric.” He sighs as he picks up his shoes.

“I-It’s not a date.” Eric’s stuttering betrays him and he laughs. He tells him to shut up before shoving him. Henry stumbles to the floor but he’s laughing too hard to care.

Henry doesn’t know why Eric took them to an art gallery because he knows zilch about art. He finds out later that Amy is an art enthusiast and he wanted to laugh again. He leaves them for a while to wander on his own and to let Eric make his move. He passes a pool of vibrant colors and soft brush and stops on his track when he reaches the end of the hall.

His heart drops to his stomach, throat closing up as he stares at the canvas in front of him.

She’s brunette - his favorite version of her - but he sees streaks of blonde hiding under the flower crown that she’s wearing. A pair of hazel brown eyes stare back at him and he doesn’t get how he can still fall in love with her even when she’s just a mix of paint on canvas; even when she doesn’t exist.

He steps closer and sees the small name plate at the bottom of the painting:

Amber

Henry wakes up and he’s ten years old with chubby cheeks and unkempt hair. She’s nine with long jet black hair under a red beanie and she’s jumping up and down his bed, giggling and telling him to wake up.

“Let’s go play outside!” she grins and he looks out his window, yawning.

“It’s snowing.”

“I know.”

And then she’s throwing jackets, gloves, scarves and beanies at him and he puts them on slowly, still trying to fight sleep until she got impatient and dresses him herself. He flinches when she pulls the beanie down his head roughly and pulls him downstairs, saying goodbye to his mother and she laughs, telling them to have fun.

Moments later, they’re having snowball fights and making a huge snow man and she’s got snow in her hair and on her nose and it takes all his willpower to not kiss her.

“Let’s go down the frozen lake.” she grins again and Henry wonders if he’ll ever be able to resist that. She grabs his wrist again and drags her with him and like all the other lifetimes, he follows willingly.

“Here you are.”

Amber turns to him, returning his gentle smile with a weak one before turning her attention back to the lake.

She has a secret hiding place under the bridge by the lake that she runs to when she’s sad and wants to be left alone. Henry is the only one who knows about it and the only one who’s allowed to come there with her.

“Talk when you’re ready and I’ll listen.” he says, taking his place beside her and Amber is quick to lean her head on his shoulder. She’s quiet for a moment before Henry feels her tears fall on his shirt.

His heart shatters inside his chest and he shifts to take a better look of her face but she shakes her head, wrapping her arms tightly around his middle, burying her face in his shirt. He wraps her up in his arms and it’s the only thing he could do to not feel completely useless because he can’t make her stop crying. He doesn’t even know why she’s crying and it breaks his heart to see her like this.

“I hate myself.” she sobs, digging her fingers on his back.

Henry hugs her tighter. “Don’t say that.” He kisses the top of her head and wishes that she’d remember all the lifetimes that he loved her.

“This is a really bad idea.”

Her hair is long again and he kind of wanted to laugh because the Amber that he knows won’t survive with a hair like that. But like the Amber that he knows, she still manages to make him fall in love.

“Relax, you’re not going to die.” he teases as he pedaled faster.

Amber tightens her grip on his waist while holding onto her skirt so it won’t fly up. “I will if my parents find out that I skipped school. Where are you taking me anyways?”

Henry only grins. “You’ll see.”

He thinks that this is what he lives for - watching her laugh as she rolls down the hill, their school bags discarded along with his bike and she grins at him, blades of grass sticking out of her hair.

“Still think this is a bad idea?” he laughs, picking out the grass from her hair and tucking a stray strand behind her ear.

She shrugs but she’s still grinning. “It’s alright.”

Then she shoves him before running up the hill again and challenges him to a race. Henry laughs and follows after her.

The next time they meet, he offers another bad idea. He has a lot of those, apparently.

This time, she’s the kingdom’s princess and he’s nothing more than a thief who tried to steal from her when she was out taking a stroll in the woods alone. He didn’t get punished like he expected but she smiled and asked him if she has met him before.

“This is a really bad idea.” she gasps as he kisses her neck, his fingers disappearing under her silk night gown.

“If my father finds out he’ll kill y--” he cuts her off with a kiss, tongues tangled in a fiery dance and she sighs as he presses himself closer to her.

“Yiyun, haven’t you figured it out yet? I’m willing to die for you.”

She stares at him for a moment, gentle eyes boring into his and he wonders if she can remember all the times that he died for her and all the times that she died for him. His heart twists inside his chest painfully because he remembers all of them and he wonders how many more will come.

She kisses him again, letting him take her clothing off and she moans his name against his mouth when he enters her, nails digging into his .

No matter how many times he dies, she’s always worth it. Every single time.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” Amber asks quietly, looking up at him with wide wondering eyes. They were at the back of the university library, trying to study for midterms. At least he is. Amber doesn’t need to study because she’s some sort of genius. Like always.

“What?” he asks again, hope bubbling up in his chest, thinking that maybe, the Amber in this lifetime remembers.

“Reincarnation? Do you believe in it?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because I keep having weird dreams.” she frowns. “Like playing in the snow, which is weird because I grew up in L.A. And there’s one where I’m in a Chinese imperial castle of some sort.”

Henry’s lips form a tight line. He doesn’t know how to explain without traumatizing her. He doesn’t know how to explain because he, himself, can’t understand what’s going on either. All he knows is that he wakes up, heart aching for her.

“Have you been reading fantasy books again?” he asks instead, refusing to meet her eyes. Amber huffs and tells him to shut up.

(Later that day, Amber has this look on his face, frowning at her phone and Henry asks her what’s up.

“Do you think I’d look good with red hair?”

Henry’s heart stops.)

Henry hates the times when she doesn’t exist.

All he does is wait but she doesn’t come and he feels a hole on his chest for his sole purpose is to be with her and if she doesn’t exist, then he won’t, too.

“This is your room.” The nice-looking lady says as she opens the door to where he’s going to live for a year. He’s in one of those student exchange program and he only volunteered because he wants to get away from his parents for a while.

He thanks her with his clumsy Korean, never forgetting to bow. The lady smiles and pats him on the back.

“The last tenant here was a girl so don’t worry, you won’t find anything disgusting.” she jokes and he laughs awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. With another pat on the back, she leaves and he sighs in relief, stepping into the room and throwing his bag on the bed. The room is clearly meant for one person only, having a small bathroom, a small closet and a small study desk just across the bed. Absentmindedly, he opens the drawer in the desk and his heart stops.

It’s a photo of Amber and she’s blonde again, smiling at the camera with a peace sign and his chest throbs in pain.

Amber - 140918 - photo by Amy, is written on the bottom of the picture in her messy handwriting.

Henry doesn’t know if he should be relieved that he found her or cry because yet again, she’s gone before he can even reach her.

He doesn’t know how much more he can take.

In another lifetime, she was the one who found him first. He would have been really happy if it was in another situation because he was always the one who finds her, not the other way around. But this time, she has a gun pointed to his head and she’s looking at him with cold, menacing eyes.

Henry already hates this lifetime.

“Give me the data chip, Lau.” she demands, gun still trained on his head and fingers threatening to pull the trigger. He has never heard her say his name with such hatred and his heart breaks a little.

“Eunyoung, hurry.” the handheld transceiver on her hip rumbles. She tsks and grabs the briefcase from his hand, throwing its contents to the bed. Henry lets her and when she finally finds what she’s looking for, she looks at him again with eyes that don’t recognize him and only know how to hate him.

The gun is still pointed to his head and with one more look, she pulls the trigger and Henry breathes out her name.

“Amber…”

The last thing he sees before darkness consumes him is the flash of recognition in her eyes.

In almost three consecutive lifetimes, he’s a violinist, just like in his first life.

He couldn’t find her and he thinks it’s another life where she doesn’t exist and the thought pains him. But one day, before a concert, he manages to escape from his staff and heads over to the park, violin in hand. He plays a song that he wrote for her in a lifetime when he loves her and she loves him back and it was as beautiful and as simple as that.

When he finishes playing, wrist flicking with a flourish, he looks up and there she is, with that same bright smile on her face (much like the one she has when he first played the song for her), clapping along with the small crowd that gathered around him.

He smiles sheepishly, bowing a little, all the while sneaking glances at her. She meets his eyes and her smile grew wider and she sits beside him when the crowd dispersed, looking at him with the same wide and curious eyes.

“That was beautiful.” she gushes and Henry blushes.

“Thanks.” he smiles.

“I’m Amber.”

“Henry.”

Sometimes, when something good happens, Henry always have this crippling fear that things would go terribly wrong after. So in this life, he holds on to her as tightly as he could. Amber laughs at his paranoia and assures him that she’s not going anywhere. Now, years later, they’re married and Henry doesn’t worry that much anymore.   

“Morning.” she mumbles against the back his hoodie, arms circling his abdomen. Henry chuckles and turns away from the stove to face her, pecking her lips with a smile.

“Good morning.” he greets back with a grin, fingers tangling with her short hair in an attempt to tame it.

“I was supposed to cook breakfast.” she pouts, rubbing her sleepy eye with a finger.

“That’s okay. We need to eat something edible for breakfast anyway.” he teases and she glares, shoving him while he laughs.

“You’re a jerk.”

“You still married me, though.”

“Divorce papers will arrive tomorrow.”

Then Henry is chasing her throughout the house, laughing when she shrieks as he catches her by the waist and pushes her down the carpeted floor. She’s flushed and breathless from laughing and he wonders if he could ever get used of how beautiful she is. She’s grinning before she grabs the back of his neck to kiss him and Henry is startled but smiles into the kiss.

Henry can’t help but wonder if this is the last time.

There’s a lifetime where Henry doesn’t remember her but something inside him does because when he sees her sister and her friends watching some music video on her laptop, he stops and stares, eyes glued to the girl with short bright red hair.

“What are you watching?” he asks, peering over his sister’s shoulder.

“f(x).” Whitney answers simply, eyes never leaving the screen.

The scene focuses on her, her red hair under a cap. There’s a familiar tug inside him and he feels like he’s forgetting something, something important.

“What’s her name?” he asks again, holding his breath as he waits for his sister’s answer.

“Amber.”

Henry doesn’t realize that there are tears in his eyes until they land on his hand.

It’s weird seeing her ordering coffee - a black one at that, he muses to himself as he fixes her order, she has always preferred milk and bubble teas or anything that has tons of sugar in them. He remembers nagging her that she’ll get diabetes but she just sticks her tongue at him and kisses him and how can he say no to that.

But this Amber is different. This Amber doesn’t know him.

Her phone rings and she chuckles before answering it.

“Hey Soojung,” she greets. “Yeah, I’m at the cafe already. Do you want me to order for you?”

Henry listens discreetly, hanging onto every word. She laughs in the middle of her conversation and his stomach is doing cartwheels inside him.

“Soojung, he only proposed last night. There’s still no date for the wedding so yes, it’s too early to have a dress made.”

Henry’s world stops altogether and almost drops the plate of red velvet cupcake in his hand. She’s getting married. His Amber is getting married but not to him. She belongs to somebody else in this lifetime and he thinks, with his heart breaking inside his chest, that this is more painful than the times when she kills him.

“You’re staring at her like that again.”

Henry tears his gaze away from where Amber is teaching a new recruit (a twelve-year-old named Chanyeol who they found abandoned in the streets after a riot between the government and mutants) the basics of hand-to-hand combat, to look at Sunyoung who stands beside him to watch Amber as well.

“What?” he raises an eyebrow.

“You look at her like she’s the sun and she’s all you need for you to survive.” Sunyoung says, a hint of smile on her lips, gaze still on Amber and Chanyeol. “Which is sad considering that you can’t touch her with your bare hands without getting hurt.”

Henry looks down on his gloved hands and frowns because she’s fire and he’s ice and he can’t even touch her.

“Henry?”

It’s 2 AM, he last remembers and him and Amber just finished an almost three-hour songwriting session before they both collapse on the floor, tired, hungry and sleepy. He still need to go to rehearsals in about four hours.

“Yeah?” he asks, turning to look at her.

“What do you think you were in your past life?”

Henry blinks. It’s been a long time since she asked about having past lives. And the last time was lifetimes ago.

“Where did that come from?” he tries to laugh it off.

“I was just curious. I saw some documentary last week.” Amber says with a shrug, rolling on her side, propping her head on one hand, so she can look at him properly. Henry follows her suit.

“Well, what do you think you were?” He changes the question, humoring her but his heart is thundering against his chest.

“A llama, most definitely.” she says with a laugh. “Or something else that’s awesome. Maybe an assassin.”

He almost frowns at that. He didn’t like that lifetime.

“Or maybe I’m some sort of queen or something and you were my servant.” she grins and he chuckles. Close, he thinks, very close.

“I doubt it.” He teases. “You’re not fit for a queen.”

Amber glares and shoves him until he’s on his back again and he keeps on laughing.

“Jerk.” she glares and he’s still laughing.

“Do you think we were like this, too?” Amber asks quietly after a while, reaching out to tangle her fingers with him. “In our past life, I mean. Do you think we’d still be together?”

Henry squeezes her hand gently. “Even if we’re not, I’d still find you and make sure that we would be.”

She scrunches her nose at that but she’s grinning and he grins with her, kissing the top of her nose.

“Would you mind dating a servant, though?” he asks with a laugh.

“As long as it’s you, I wouldn’t mind.”

Henry laughs again before closing the distance between their lips, and welcomes him with warmth and familiarity, just like in every lives that they lived.