I had been seeing her for weeks now. Her presence was like the lingering scent of perfume. She was always so real and tangible until I woke up the next morning with an empty bed and nothing but slightly messed up sheets to indicate any sign of her passing. 

…

            She sat at the edge of the bed, looking at her lover with those big hazel eyes. Everything about this was familiar, an instant replay of last week, and yet she felt like a stranger. Her spiraling thoughts were broken as she noticed the scruffy brunette leaning in to kiss her. Instinctively, she leaned back.

            “Why are you scared of me?” A confused tremor shook her lover’s voice.

            “I’m not scared of you, Taeyang.” Jieun shook her head slightly. Her cold attitude was not defined by fear.    

“But you always seem run from me.”  He frowned.

            Jieun knew she had a tendency to keep her distance. It was an armor molded from her first naïve love to shield her heart from attachment and deception.  She wasn’t ready to admit to Taeyang that she didn’t trust him nor did she ever try to take into consideration his emotions. As shallow as it may have sounded, it would have broken her steady stream of and the comfort she tried to deny he brought her.

            To silence his thoughts, she kissed him. The way he liked it, nibbling on his bottom lip slowly as to plunge him into a blissful darkness. He inhaled sharply and, satisfied, pulled away, his eyes half open and a wide grin spreading across his face.

            “.” He breathed. “That’s hot.”

            She loved the way she reduced him to nothing when she pulled all his favorite moves. There was a rush that came with having wrapped around her finger all while keeping a submissive front in their relationship and in the bedroom.

            Jieun smiled back and leaned in for another kiss, but he grabbed her hand by the wrist before she could daintily place it on the nape of his neck.

            “There’s something I want to do first”

…

            A confused look broke the tranquility in Jieun’s eyes. God, I could stare at them forever. I snapped out of this daze and remembered why I stopped our sensual make-out session. It wasn’t something I liked to do; I was already missing the feeling of her rose-petal lips brushing mine, the way she would gasp ever so slightly, how tiny her waist felt in my hands.

            Without wasting another second, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the little plastic bag I had been keeping jealously for a week. Inside were two round pills pink as Jieun’s cheeks.

            “What are those?” She asked, eyeing them suspiciously.

            “Ecstasy.” I replied, not once taking my eyes off of hers.

            I had always felt Jieun was a like a bird. She was small and fragile, I easily held her in my hands, but never was she weak or dependent. She could fly away at any moment and never look back. It made our nights as fleeting and volatile as she.

            My intent was not to clip her beautiful wings. I simply wanted to open up her heart and give her more reasons to stay. They don’t call ecstasy the love drug for nothing.

…

            The pills shimmered in the plastic, looking innocent as the Smarties they used to eat as kids. And yet, despite their innocuous appearance, Jieun still shivered. The world of drugs and alcohol was nothing new to her. Liquor was her best friend on weekends and weed a staple during her more stressful moments.

            Despite this, she had never taken the step into what she considered the unforgivable.

            “I know you don’t roll,” Taeyang turned to his nightstand, where he had carefully prepared water “but trust me, you want to be high for this. Tonight, I want you to feel like you’ve never felt before.”

            Jieun hesitated. While part of it was her inexperience with the drug, most of it came from her inability to read Taeyang’s motives.

            “I’ll be right next to you the whole time.” Taeyang spoke with a cotton voice. He had long anticipated her hesitation, but  he seemed determined to delve inside her darkest secrets by exposing her to magnified sensations.

            Jieun didn’t know what egged her to take the glass from Taeyang’s hands and at the same time she was convinced that the very reason was because she didn’t have one. It seemed to her there was nothing to lose, save for her life, which she was living by the quickly passing seconds anyways.

            She never stopped to double back on her initial hesitation. Though she could never share herself completely with Taeyang, in an ironic twist of logic, it seemed trust was abundant. 

…

            My skin was on fire. Every touch of her delicate fingers ignited a soft ember that burned through me and coursed through my veins. I wanted more of her than she could ever possibly give me.

            I had seen her at my mercy before, when her head was buried in my chest, her soft moans gradually building as my fingers moved in harmonious rhythm. I loved how she would lose all ability to be cohesive, this was usually the only moment I ever saw her needy and vulnerable. The effect ecstasy had on her was just that. She was even more vocal, more energetic, more greedy than I had ever seen her for intensity, pleasure, and connection.

            I took a second to get a good look at her through my rose tinted shades. Her lust laced eyes were brighter than I remembered. Her shimmering russet hair would have made Aphrodite jealous.  She seemed so far away, yet so close, in my arms, trembling with pleasure.

            “Taeyang…” My own heightened senses picked up the subtle sound of my name escaping her. I had never before heard her say my name. Shivers ran down my spine and I worked harder yet to make her say it again. And again. And again…

            I was addicted to that sound. It made my heart swell with love for her, although through the haze it was hard to tell if it was simply the drugs speaking.  

…

            Jieun wasn’t quite sure where she was anymore. The bedroom had turned into a candyland with explosions of color and blooming flowers. She surrendered to her emotions, letting them take her mind through waves of immense pleasure as she rode the ones beneath her. Focusing for a minute, she saw Taeyang’s content face painted with closed eyes and a smirk. He too was feeling blissful.

            From beneath her, Taeyang reached up to cup her face. She held his wrist firmly, not wanting to let go of this new connection. Her cheek rested comfortably in the palm of his hand as if it had been sized for it.

            It felt like every new interaction was a moment Jieun could not cherish enough. As much as she kept Taeyang at bay from her heart in the past, now it almost felt like she couldn’t get him close enough. She wanted to give it all to him, she was b with love that overflowed from her every inch.

Jieun also wanted it all. So when Taeyang was on top of her, she held on to him tightly, as if to meld their bodies together. Each washed her with a flood of ecstasy. She felt his desire fueled fire burning through her skin as if she was made of ice and each sparked a violent reaction, melting her into a complex swirl of emotions.

The room seemed to be shrouded in steam from the clash of fire and ice wrought by the couple, and Jieun felt great joy in kissing Taeyang’s neck listening as his strangled moans evaporated in the mist. 

She wanted them to disappear together in the foggy distance that clouded her mind and seemed to envelop the room.

…

I woke up with a start. My jaw felt sore, among other things. I took a deep breath, the smell of and Jieun’s perfume still strong in the quiet air of the room. Still adjusting to the light, I noticed that the walls looked faded, stripped of their brilliant blue color from last night.

My ears rang with a slight buzz and my mind was muddy. I could no longer feel my arm, which was nestled beneath Jieun’s head. She stirred slightly as I wiggled my fingers to gain feeling again, snuggling closer to my chest.

I couldn’t remember the last time she had stayed the night, let alone spent it in my arms. I smiled. Even after the come down, experiencing the glitter and intensity of the ecstasy, she was the only thing in the room that hadn’t lost its sparkle.

Perhaps it was still the drug talking, perhaps I hadn’t completely come down just yet. This was my teenage brain thinking; I had only hoped she would open her heart and mind to me. Never had I expected to fall into a deeper pit than I was already in.

I knew, however, I would have a week to come down, if at all. And I realized, even while we had melded into one last night, Jieun still had her wings and she was the kind of girl who would fly while she could.